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Gods of Atonement Sign ups


Psych
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Okay. First off... I find it very... off-putting that you included 'ignore that it's Snike, I promise this will be good' in the topic title. There are three primary schools of thought I can see that would relate to this. One in which the topic poster doesn't relate to the quality of the RP (ergo, 'well even though X is a troll, the sign up is good'), where it partially relates (it looks good, but the TC has a history of poor RP, so it probably won't be good), or where it matters entirely (X made this RP? OMG sign me up/keep me away)! In all three of them the fact of who you are is either unimportant or too important to ignore, making the statement come off as either an acknowledgement that you are bad enough for the fact of who you are to matter to people who would normally discount, or as you begging people to look at your topic differently because you know you won't make it otherwise.

Secondly, PUT THE MAP IN A DAMNED SPOILER! Appearance counts and entering into a topic to be greeted with a unsightly blob of color is an immediate off-put. Much better to open with either story or a bit explaining your hopes/goals for the RP and have the map later on.

Thirdly, the story... is pretty bland: Long ago, there was a great kingdom. Known across the land for it's large accomplishments in magic and the arts, this kingdom had long been in control of much of the land. This kingdom's several temples also held many priests and worshipers of the gods. These priests would pray, hoping to bless the lands with good fortune.

Now, present day has seen many changes since this great kingdom. The start of what is known as the New Age was marked when a great flood destroyed much of the habitable land, even separating much of the old regions from the main land. As well, major weather changes occurred, leading to many large, hot deserts, and cold, icy mountains. Very few forests and swamps are left, but those that are, are quiet large.

Since then, the old temples and gods have been forgotten, and many have sunk below the swirling sands and falling snows as well. And lately, many demons and troubles have befallen the new world. Civilians and priests alike have prayed, looking to the scripture for gods of old who had saved them before in times of trouble, but nothing has helped.

However, one girl, an orphaned trainee-archaeologist has found an old relic, and hoping to set out on a journey across the world to find the ancient kingdom, she has searched for the different god's homes, knowing that they must be in challenging locations, she needs friends to be able to help her..

Compare this to the first paragraph of LoAF's 'the way things are': Twenty five years ago, the Great Demon King, also known as the Lord of Azure Flames, came forth upon this world, seeking to destroy all life in a violent plume of destruction. Behind his banner, he rallied forth multitudes of monsters and men, bandits and foul beings desperate to get back at the kingdoms of the world for the sake of revenge or sheer greed. With such a great threat present, the kingdoms unified their armies in a effort to push back the Lord of Azure Flames. Yet, with each and every battle, their armies faltered as kingdom after kingdom where destroyed by the might of the Lord and the fury of his armies. At last, only three kingdoms remained intact, the rest destroyed beneath the heel of the demon. The twin monarchies born of the same mother nation of Septimus and Elyisima, and the Empire of Halton. Even these three were placed upon their last limbs as the Demon King besieged them. Yet, within the hour of darkness, six heros appeared willing and capable of fighting back the demonic horde. Taking it upon themselves to stop the demons, the six heros rallied the armies of the three nations and the decimated kingdoms to charge the Lord and engaged him in fierce combat. They succeeded in stemming the Lords power and imprisoned his body in a mighty prison beneath the earth. The Lords connection to Hell was sealed away within a medallion known as the Fire Emblem.

While I grant it isn't ideal (I wrote it late at night when I was trying to get to sleep but couldn't and didn't think to spice it up the following morning), it's vastly more interesting. It gives details about exactly what happened, tells of a desperate struggle, gives a present and powerful baddie, and provides a feel for the world. Yours left me confused, baffled, and wondering why anyone would care. The OP of Shu's quest (though needlessly long and boring IMO) managed to provide an 'aura' of what was to be expected for the RP as well as the world that it was being set in at well.

Fourthly: Name:

Appearence:

Age:

Element: Fire, Ice, Water, Wind, Thunder, Earth, Light, Dark, Nature

Class:

Background:

While most RP people are familiar with this sign-up... what was the point of adding 'nature'? Okay. I can understand what the element governs and am not going to complain about it like some others have (I play a MMO in which 'Nature' is an entire damage type that covers everything from earthquakes to thorns and I wouldn't be surprised to learn of melee attacks that share the element as well. Not to mention I've played games where boar charges deal nature damage, so it isn't shocking to me), but what was the point? People are familiar with the other elements since they are FE mainstays and have learned to link them to personality types, but still... What is a 'nature' personality? This is doubly confusing with the earth-type being thrown in their. Is nature a 'anima' type? If so name it that. At least we are familiar with it as both an element and personality.

Fifthly: Sprite stinks of Lyn. The problem with a visual aid, especially a sprite or doubly so for a composite sprite is that it makes you think of characters you've seen before. This one looks a lot like Lyn. Its usually better to describe what a person looks like than anything else.

Sixthly: The background sucks. Here is what you wrote: Orphaned, Sara travelled the lands, searching for a purpose and her hopes of finding a great archaeological find. One day, she ended up in the alleys of Icathia, the capital of Viole. A few men attacked her, but a masked man saved her. Having saved her life, she had to thank him, but she ran after him, only to see him get on a boat and leave. She went back to the market place, and bought a strange relic from an old crow, but it seemed to have some connection to the mythical world. She made up her mind, and boarded a boat headed for who knows where, determined to find him, the meaning of the relic, and the lost world.

It's boring, skirts key points, and suffers from bad grammar. Here is my attempt at it (written while dodging super mutants on FO3): Sara was born into a small family in the city of Icathia in the year 192 of the New Age. Several years earlier, the annual rains of spring had not come through in Viole's farmland, causing many crops to wither in the summer heat. This, combined with a sudden outburst of rodents among those stores of seeds brought Viole to it's knees in a great famine. A pint of flour to make a loaf of bread rose to a price which few of the lower citizens could afford to pay. Many families turned from good and honest work to a life of crime, seeking hungrily to feed their grumbling bellies. Bandits and gangs sprung up overnight, bold and desperate for what little food remained. Terrorizing good-to-do citizens either for their stores of food, or money to purchase their own, they became wild and unruly, forcing the common folk to pay protection money. Burdened with a new daughter, Sara's parents lacked the funds to move, and thusly were forced to pay. Yet with the poor state of the nation, her father soon could no longer scrape together the money needed to pay off the gangs. Worse yet, the gang that ruled the lower parts of the town, known as The Tunnel Snakes, was ruled by a cruel and merciless leader by the name of 'Butch'. When Sara was ten, the family was so in debt that her parents could take it no more, yet Butch was eager for the family to make up for all their lost payments. Not trusting the army to shield the peons, Sara's parents were left with no choice. With only their daughter between their arms and the clothes on their back to their names, they fled into the night. Yet escape was not to be, for Butch's men caught the family before they could flee. Before her very eyes, Sara's family was cut down. Yet Butch was not sated with their deaths and desired more. He desired a slave, and Sara stood only a few feet away, terrified and horrified at the site of her dead parents before her.

As Butch gave the command to surround and take her, her fear gave a burst of speed to let legs, causing her to flee as fast as she could and, with some luck, she escaped Butch's men and fled into the wilds. For twelve years, she lived in the wild lands with no clue as to her purpose until one day, she wandered back into Icathia. The place had changed much since she had last been there. The famine was long gone and the place was booming with people, vastly different than the sparse, destitute, and gang-ridden city she had once lived in. Seeking to buy new clothes, she entered into the marketplace and proceeded to stumble from stall to stall, gazing at wondrous objects and mysterious charms she had never seen before in her life until, at last, she entered into the stall of an old woman. Within this stall was a small artifact, devoid of the wonder and mysteries she had just seen. Yet, as she looked upon it, she could not help but as to desire it more and more until, with what little money she had gained from trading in the wilds, she purchased it.

As she left the stall though, a man spotted her in the crowd. Butch. He had not forgotten the debt her parents had owed him, and he would have it! Rallying what few men remained loyal to him, he waited for her to enter into a secluded street where he ambushed her once again. This time, he made sure Sara would not escape and quickly surrounded her with his men, their knives drawn and tongues wet with the lust for blood. But before a terrified scream could slip forth from her lips, three of the gang members had been cut down by a mysterious man wearing a cloak and a top hat, a sword entwined with the thorns of roses in his hand. The bandits stood no chance and were swift either cut down or sent scattering. Among the dead lay Butch, the man of her troubles. Yet, before she had the chance to thank him, the man was gone. In that moment, Sara made up her mind to hunt down the mysterious stranger and find him once again.

Yours was a short blurb that threw key points, but didn't tell a story. Mine, though heavily influenced by FO3 (I don't have my full attention on this), at least tried to tell a story and give motives. Yes, I made up, asspulled, and was long-winded, but it's at least a backstory that tells something about the character!

Sixthly: You have country-itus. A need to create more countries than could ever possibly be needed in a RP unless it becomes very longwinded. Other people have this as well, but in general you probably should never exceed five main nations (asspull number) IMO.

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Okay. First off... I find it very... off-putting that you included 'ignore that it's Snike, I promise this will be good' in the topic title.

Firstly, you should keep the names of Rpers straight. Psych =/= Snike

Fifthly: Sprite stinks of Lyn. The problem with a visual aid, especially a sprite or doubly so for a composite sprite is that it makes you think of characters you've seen before. This one looks a lot like Lyn. Its usually better to describe what a person looks like than anything else.

Whether Psych's character sprite resembles Lyn or not is rather irrelevant to the quality of the OP. Also his character could very well resemble Lyn, there's nothing wrong with that.

Sixthly: The background sucks. Here is what you wrote: Orphaned, Sara travelled the lands, searching for a purpose and her hopes of finding a great archaeological find. One day, she ended up in the alleys of Icathia, the capital of Viole. A few men attacked her, but a masked man saved her. Having saved her life, she had to thank him, but she ran after him, only to see him get on a boat and leave. She went back to the market place, and bought a strange relic from an old crow, but it seemed to have some connection to the mythical world. She made up her mind, and boarded a boat headed for who knows where, determined to find him, the meaning of the relic, and the lost world.

It's boring, skirts key points, and suffers from bad grammar. Here is my attempt at it (written while dodging super mutants on FO3): Sara was born into a small family in the city of Icathia in the year 192 of the New Age. Several years earlier, the annual rains of spring had not come through in Viole's farmland, causing many crops to wither in the summer heat. This, combined with a sudden outburst of rodents among those stores of seeds brought Viole to it's knees in a great famine. A pint of flour to make a loaf of bread rose to a price which few of the lower citizens could afford to pay. Many families turned from good and honest work to a life of crime, seeking hungrily to feed their grumbling bellies. Bandits and gangs sprung up overnight, bold and desperate for what little food remained. Terrorizing good-to-do citizens either for their stores of food, or money to purchase their own, they became wild and unruly, forcing the common folk to pay protection money. Burdened with a new daughter, Sara's parents lacked the funds to move, and thusly were forced to pay. Yet with the poor state of the nation, her father soon could no longer scrape together the money needed to pay off the gangs. Worse yet, the gang that ruled the lower parts of the town, known as The Tunnel Snakes, was ruled by a cruel and merciless leader by the name of 'Butch'. When Sara was ten, the family was so in debt that her parents could take it no more, yet Butch was eager for the family to make up for all their lost payments. Not trusting the army to shield the peons, Sara's parents were left with no choice. With only their daughter between their arms and the clothes on their back to their names, they fled into the night. Yet escape was not to be, for Butch's men caught the family before they could flee. Before her very eyes, Sara's family was cut down. Yet Butch was not sated with their deaths and desired more. He desired a slave, and Sara stood only a few feet away, terrified and horrified at the site of her dead parents before her.

As Butch gave the command to surround and take her, her fear gave a burst of speed to let legs, causing her to flee as fast as she could and, with some luck, she escaped Butch's men and fled into the wilds. For twelve years, she lived in the wild lands with no clue as to her purpose until one day, she wandered back into Icathia. The place had changed much since she had last been there. The famine was long gone and the place was booming with people, vastly different than the sparse, destitute, and gang-ridden city she had once lived in. Seeking to buy new clothes, she entered into the marketplace and proceeded to stumble from stall to stall, gazing at wondrous objects and mysterious charms she had never seen before in her life until, at last, she entered into the stall of an old woman. Within this stall was a small artifact, devoid of the wonder and mysteries she had just seen. Yet, as she looked upon it, she could not help but as to desire it more and more until, with what little money she had gained from trading in the wilds, she purchased it.

As she left the stall though, a man spotted her in the crowd. Butch. He had not forgotten the debt her parents had owed him, and he would have it! Rallying what few men remained loyal to him, he waited for her to enter into a secluded street where he ambushed her once again. This time, he made sure Sara would not escape and quickly surrounded her with his men, their knives drawn and tongues wet with the lust for blood. But before a terrified scream could slip forth from her lips, three of the gang members had been cut down by a mysterious man wearing a cloak and a top hat, a sword entwined with the thorns of roses in his hand. The bandits stood no chance and were swift either cut down or sent scattering. Among the dead lay Butch, the man of her troubles. Yet, before she had the chance to thank him, the man was gone. In that moment, Sara made up her mind to hunt down the mysterious stranger and find him once again.

Your version also contains significant grammatical errors (although at least there is no "aweful" thank god). All you really succeeded in doing was making the backstory overly dramatic and setting the character up to be riddled with angst. I found Psych's backstory adequate. Spelling out all the details of a character's life story is entirely unecessary.

Sixthly: You have country-itus. A need to create more countries than could ever possibly be needed in a RP unless it becomes very longwinded. Other people have this as well, but in general you probably should never exceed five main nations (asspull number) IMO.

More countries help to flesh out a world, even if not visited directly.

Edited by -Cynthia-
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Agreeing with Cynthia mainly.

@Presentation

As I've said before, the map is.... a bit of an eyesore, but I don't think the sprite is an issue. I myself have opted to use a FE splice for my character description in AD. And it probably reeks of a Myrrh sized Lyon I personally prefer graphical aids to long winded descriptions myself. Though both work equally well.

@Background

I'm not sure, Psychs was short, to the point and adequate IMO. Character personalities and backstory should be explained during the course of the RP. Using LoAF as an example "Aiya is cheerful,chipper,and rather shy.She is quick tempered." Quick tempered I saw. Cheerful? Chipper? Shy? ......Who?

I find characters develop by themselves, and what originally gets stated doesn't follow through. So I have to support the Psych backstory here. If I want to know more I'll ask during the RP. As for grammar, we all suck. I wouldn't go into critiquing poor grammar unless it was being done on purpose or was so awful you couldn't figure out what the text was conveying.

@Countries

No comment, It all depends on whether these countries actually have a role, or just exist to fill the quota.

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Exactly. Quick and to the point is good. Using what Kanami said, I could tell you that characters developing on their own definitely applied to Alf, who was originally a Thief with a personality of Eddie Brock from Spider-Man 3. Lots of changes overtime, to the point where the original concept is nearly unrecognizable to him.

For grammar, I agree a little, though good is relative.

Psych's backstory is fine with me.

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Its not too late to sign up here is it, even though you already started the first post? If not then:

Name: Bliss

Appearence:jzttev.png

Age: 21

Element: Dark

Class: Shaman

Background: Born and raised in Shorrfan, Bliss is the daughter and subordinate of an influential cult leader. She is proficient in dark magic and has a strong spiritual sense - she can feel the emotions and intentions of others. She is a kind of assassin for her parents' cult and has killed many people. Each time she kills she is tormented by the emotional pain in her victims and has created a ritual to relieve herself of the pain - she cuts gashes into her skin equal, in centimeters, to the age of who she killed. She is confident in her abilities but has began to doubt the goal of the cult and the missions she has been sent on. Because of her "power" she prefers to be in pleasant places where there are families and children and positive emotions; she really likes children.

Edit: Also, I'm a new RPer so bear with me if I'm not so good at first.

Edited by acey555
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By default I cannot sign up for this because you're running it.

Meh. I'm honestly not really interested, and I barely have time for LoAF as it is (read: I don't even have time for that anymore usually).

Maybe if it piques my interest later on when I don't have as much to do, but for now, meh.

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Um....well, classes won't really matter, but eventually, if say...you have a cavalier, they'd be able to learn other weapons if we get far enough. Weapons don't really matter. >_>

So, currently, just so I can remember, we have:

Dancer

Fire Mage

Fighter

Shaman (Not yet seen)

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His main weapon would still be bows, but like if he got disarmed he could use a knife.

I don't want to see an archer who suddenly fights with knives and axes all the time, or mages with lances though. >_>

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Not to intrude, but, why can't he have a Blade Lord class, but not actual rank? It just means he fights like one. Basically a dismounted Nomadic Trooper, anyways...

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