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[From hack to indie] Path of the Midnight Sun


Alfred Kamon
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Little late here, cause I haven't been on SF in a day or two, but basically your colours are totally off. The portrait itself I wouldn't even say is that bad, but the hair colours basically just took the shading and destroyed it. I'd say try recolouring it using someone from vanilla FE's hair colours.

Also, I do think it's good you have a story and a drive to tell it (Not meaning to just spew hate, it has promise if you can fix up the portraits somewhat)

Thank you, I'll treasure the suggestions.

Also, thank you for the encouragement.

hey hey, we have something that could be pretty fun to play if the person works hard enough on it. we don't need to say anything to drive them off

I honestly didn't get what he was intending. Like, if I want to tell a story, it would have been better to write a book instead of making a videogame? Because if that's the matter, well, I've already written two books.

And anyway, bad critiques won't mow me down easily.

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http://i50.tinypic.com/205cdcn.jpg http://i48.tinypic.com/4jx6cx.jpg

These two lines in particular stick out as being very ... disjointed. Like, nobody would ever say that to a bunch of soldiers trying to kill them, and as for the description I'm not even sure what the combination of 'dismal and lunatic' would even be. Everyone's already commented on sprites, so...

Still undecided on things like story/character. Will critique those as more comes out.

Glad I'm not the only one who feels this way.

Also, the line "I would like to meet even only - one - person in my life who sees me, just as 'Fa'." is, to be blunt, bad. The only is unnecessary, as are the dashes and comma. It's just an awkward sentence.

It seems absurd at the beginning of the story, but I assure you it will be clearer when you see the following chapters.

Fa is highly contradictory. She has deep thoughts and want to change herself, but she also is irrational at times and enjoy things she will regret later, like killing or having absurd behaviours. That's the "lunatic" part. I could also have used the term "psycho" but it seemed too heavy to me. The "dismal" part is a reaction to her lunatic side, so that she feels depressed and dull because of her actions.

So basically Fa can't control herself and doesn't really know what she really wants. She'll slowly understand it on her path.

I also think that this insane characterization fits her being a Dark Mage Lord.

This helps a little bit with the description, but the issue is how you phrased it. Lunatic is a very heavy word, too. For her description, try something like "The rash but repentent princess of Hiokade."

Overall, my first thought was ugh. Don't take this the wrong way. I have a knee-jerk reaction to things that seem like they're trying to be deep and dark. That's not to day I don't like deep, dark things. It just feels like your story is trying too hard to convey that mood, forcing it on the reader/player, if you will. Also, I kind of want to hit you for the title. It sounds pretentious and nonsensical.

I know I'm being harsh, but don't let that discourage you. You have a foundation for your story and the desire to write it. That's good. I can't really speak on how solid it is until I see more. Keep working with it. Don't feel like you're being too subtle; trust your readers to figure it out (if they can't, they'll tell you). If you want some editing for your story, I'd be glad to.

One last thing, from what you've said, this is a story driven hack, but don't neglect the gameplay.

Edited by bottlegnomes
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Glad I'm not the only one who feels this way.

Also, the line "I would like to meet even only - one - person in my life who sees me, just as 'Fa'." is, to be blunt, bad. The only is unnecessary, as are the dashes and comma. It's just an awkward sentence.

This helps a little bit with the description, but the issue is how you phrased it. Lunatic is a very heavy word, too. For her description, try something like "The rash but repentent princess of Hiokade."

Overall, my first thought was ugh. Don't take this the wrong way. I have a knee-jerk reaction to things that seem like they're trying to be deep and dark. That's not to day I don't like deep, dark things. It just feels like your story is trying too hard to convey that mood, forcing it on the reader/player, if you will. Also, I kind of want to hit you for the title. It sounds pretentious and nonsensical.

I know I'm being harsh, but don't let that discourage you. You have a foundation for your story and the desire to write it. That's good. I can't really speak on how solid it is until I see more. Keep working with it. Don't feel like you're being too subtle; trust your readers to figure it out (if they can't, they'll tell you). If you want some editing for your story, I'd be glad to.

One last thing, from what you've said, this is a story driven hack, but don't neglect the gameplay.

i agree with this

Edited by Cyron
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while i cant give to much writing advice i do advise that what gnomes said is good advice while i see you want to emphasize the wish for someone to see who she really is i agree the punctuation is just weird and not really helpful i would try i wish for someone to see who i am inside or i wish someday for someone just one person to see me for who i am that said i can however help on balance and such also if you pm me your map design i might be able to give you some criticism on that (i think i already ofered to advise you on the maps oh well)

Would it be too much to ask that, before giving advice on good writing and punctuation, you actually spend a few seconds making your posts legible?

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I honestly didn't get what he was intending. Like, if I want to tell a story, it would have been better to write a book instead of making a videogame? Because if that's the matter, well, I've already written two books.

I don't get what the number of books you have written has to do with whether or not this story would be best as a written work or a ROMhack. If anything, the fact that you have written in the past should suggest that you should write again rather than switch to an entirely different medium that imposes special constraints and requires far more time and effort, not to mention write in your non-native language (while your English is very good for a non-native speaker, you do make occasional mistakes and some jarring word choices).

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Would it be too much to ask that, before giving advice on good writing and punctuation, you actually spend a few seconds making your posts legible?

yeah have you ever heard of periods? They help so much it's unFUCKINGbelievable.

Anyway I think it's cool that you're going from writing a book to a totally new format in the form of a ROMhack. Maybe he just wants people to be able to play the story as well :3 Plus any jarring English mistakes can be fixed by native English proofreaders and shit :P

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I think telling a story through a game is an awesome experience although it's way different than just writing a typical book, of course

And that change in experience would be a great reason to want to make a game with a certain story as opposed to just writing the story through words

So I think he's justified in wanting to do what he's doing so I won't tell him to stop hacking and do something else, cuz well I guess I just don't feel like it's my place to say that. I can, however, offer critique on how to improve things, but there's not much to say that hasn't already been touched up thus far, so good luck on fixing those portraits if you so desire, and/or improving the script! Friendly tip, don't worry about making a hack that's better than everyone else's or has super awesome graphics or features--first and foremost, make something you like, and if you put a lot of effort into it, I'm sure some other people will like it too. :)

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yeah have you ever heard of periods? They help so much it's unFUCKINGbelievable.

Anyway I think it's cool that you're going from writing a book to a totally new format in the form of a ROMhack. Maybe he just wants people to be able to play the story as well :3 Plus any jarring English mistakes can be fixed by native English proofreaders and shit :P

And you people say my grammar is bad.

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Ahah! Thanks for all the comments. I'm glad I've shared my work here on serenes. The critiques help me improving and the encouragements are fair and not exaggerated. It's a nice place.

I think telling a story through a game is an awesome experience although it's way different than just writing a typical book, of course

And that change in experience would be a great reason to want to make a game with a certain story as opposed to just writing the story through words

So I think he's justified in wanting to do what he's doing so I won't tell him to stop hacking and do something else, cuz well I guess I just don't feel like it's my place to say that. I can, however, offer critique on how to improve things, but there's not much to say that hasn't already been touched up thus far, so good luck on fixing those portraits if you so desire, and/or improving the script! Friendly tip, don't worry about making a hack that's better than everyone else's or has super awesome graphics or features--first and foremost, make something you like, and if you put a lot of effort into it, I'm sure some other people will like it too. :)

Thank you, Blazer. I didn't want to be the best hacker or stuff like that. I don't even think I could have the time or the skills to be so. I just wanted to make something I, for first, would like and be proud of, and then share that work. That's all.

I don't get what the number of books you have written has to do with whether or not this story would be best as a written work or a ROMhack. If anything, the fact that you have written in the past should suggest that you should write again rather than switch to an entirely different medium that imposes special constraints and requires far more time and effort, not to mention write in your non-native language (while your English is very good for a non-native speaker, you do make occasional mistakes and some jarring word choices).

Anyway I think it's cool that you're going from writing a book to a totally new format in the form of a ROMhack. Maybe he just wants people to be able to play the story as well :3 Plus any jarring English mistakes can be fixed by native English proofreaders and shit :P

It's not that I'm quitting writing books in order to do this hack rom. This is probably the only game I'll ever do. I just feel like it's an experience I want to have. =)

Also, have you ever felt, while reading a book, like wanting to do something in that world, maybe experiencing different choices and having the possibility to change the story at your please? To me, some videogames are like interactive books. I just want to create a deep story well involved in the gameplay. As both a writer and a gamer since I was very little, I wish I can realize this purpose.

Glad I'm not the only one who feels this way.

Also, the line "I would like to meet even only - one - person in my life who sees me, just as 'Fa'." is, to be blunt, bad. The only is unnecessary, as are the dashes and comma. It's just an awkward sentence.

This helps a little bit with the description, but the issue is how you phrased it. Lunatic is a very heavy word, too. For her description, try something like "The rash but repentent princess of Hiokade."

Overall, my first thought was ugh. Don't take this the wrong way. I have a knee-jerk reaction to things that seem like they're trying to be deep and dark. That's not to day I don't like deep, dark things. It just feels like your story is trying too hard to convey that mood, forcing it on the reader/player, if you will. Also, I kind of want to hit you for the title. It sounds pretentious and nonsensical.

I know I'm being harsh, but don't let that discourage you. You have a foundation for your story and the desire to write it. That's good. I can't really speak on how solid it is until I see more. Keep working with it. Don't feel like you're being too subtle; trust your readers to figure it out (if they can't, they'll tell you). If you want some editing for your story, I'd be glad to.

One last thing, from what you've said, this is a story driven hack, but don't neglect the gameplay.

Thank you, your comment is very helpful.

For that sentence: yes, maybe it was bad, but I don't think the comma was unnecessary. <<just as me just as "Fa">> doesn't make sense and sounds stupid, while <<just as me, just as "Fa">> gives tonality and puts "me" and "Fa" on the same level. Anyway I corrected it into << I just want to meet one person who sees me just as me, just as "Fa".>>

As for the deep-dark feeling of the story... it's my style. At the beginning my stories seem dark and forced, but they tend to get lighter and lighter as they go on. I follow the main character's feelings and evolution.

Also, "Sunpath of Midnight" may seem nonsensical but it's well thought, I can assure you, and its meaning will be clear in the last chapters of the game.

Now, a little update on the editing:

95qtnb.png

Better?

I still have to work on the lower part of the sprite (the body) so it may seem weird. I don't know if the palette is good or not, but now the hair shading should be okay, at least.

I'm not an artist so let me know something an artist eyes could notice better than mine.

Also notice the change of description.

The beginning of the story and the characters development will be clearer from chapter 3-4. I'm currently working on the battle sprites of the 2-3 new classes that will appear in these chapters so the next one may take a while to be released.

Update:

I think this looks better.

k51h8l.png

Edited by AlfredKamon
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Wow! This looks absolutely fabulous, and story driven games are often very interesting. And the good gameplay is already there too, haha.

As for that new mug, I think that the hair looks weird. The shadows are are little disoriented, too round and most importantly don't really reflect the lighting well - pay more attention on where the light is coming from. This said, while I have some background to working with sprites, I'm no artist and many others have done numerous mugs. There probably will be critique to expect from those who can better tell what doesn't work.

I really like your ideas and where you're coming from, along with the attitude you have towards making this hack. Keep it up!

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Thank you, your comment is very helpful.

For that sentence: yes, maybe it was bad, but I don't think the comma was unnecessary. <<just as me just as "Fa">> doesn't make sense and sounds stupid, while <<just as me, just as "Fa">> gives tonality and puts "me" and "Fa" on the same level. Anyway I corrected it into << I just want to meet one person who sees me just as me, just as "Fa".>>

I missed the first just. In that case, the comma isn't unnecessary; in fact, it is necessary. The rest, still stands. As for the last part, I'd play around with that a little bit. It still sounds a bit off. Maybe try something like "I want to meet even one person who sees me, just me, Fa." That's entirely up to you. Just my thoughts on it.

As for the deep-dark feeling of the story... it's my style. At the beginning my stories seem dark and forced, but they tend to get lighter and lighter as they go on. I follow the main character's feelings and evolution.

Also, "Sunpath of Midnight" may seem nonsensical but it's well thought, I can assure you, and its meaning will be clear in the last chapters of the game.

For the first part of it, that's good. It could be really interesting to see how Fa progresses from, for lack of a better term, emo, to a more well adjusted person, and how the mood of the story lightens as she does. For the second part, Ima hold you to that. Unless they're absolutely vital points in the game, I would still consider changing the title.

Now, a little update on the editing:

95qtnb.png

Better?

I still have to work on the lower part of the sprite (the body) so it may seem weird. I don't know if the palette is good or not, but now the hair shading should be okay, at least.

I'm not an artist so let me know something an artist eyes could notice better than mine.

Also notice the change of description.

Much better.

Also, for narration, try to avoid repetition of words. For example, the just in my previous point (though you shouldn't use just in narration anyway, unless absolutely necessary, but that's a completely different point). I haven't seen much narration, so I'm not saying yours is bad, just something to watch out for. For dialogue that's completely out the window; grammar rules basically don't apply. Do whatever feels natural for the character. One thing I will say there is don't use semicolons in dialogue. They're fine for narration; I use them a bunch (clearly), but the best way I've heard it put is you can't hear a semicolon.

Edited by bottlegnomes
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I think I'd go for "I (just) want to meet one person who sees me (just) as myself, (just) as 'Fa'." Change the "me" to "myself" and consider seriously about only having one instance of the word "just" in the sentence, and where it would sound best - it's slightly repetitive like this. Or perhaps you could have it in the beginning and the end (ie. "I just want to meet one person who sees me as myself, just as 'Fa'."), or in the second and third one, removing the first "just." Or maybe the problem lies in the double "just as" expressions. Either way, it's totally up to you, as it doesn't feel like a major problem to me. Personally, I would go for keeping the first "just" and making the end "-- who sees me as myself, as 'Fa'", or possibly "-- who sees me just as me, as 'Fa'."

This definitely isn't something which has a single correct solution.

Edited by Piss Macho Macho Macho
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"I just want to meet one person who sees me as myself, just as 'Fa'."

I would rephrase this more as:

"I simply want to meet one person who sees me as myself, just as 'Fa'."

Unless the word is a word used for diving sentences (and, or, if, etc etc) I try not to have two of the same word in a sentence.

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Thank you for all the answers and the support so far. I really appreciate it.

I didn't update anything for several days because I was working hard on the hack.

Today I bring you Chapter 1 of Sunpath of Midnight!

Updates:

- Redesigned some mugs. They still aren't perfect and they probably won't ever be. I'm not a good graphic, yet I really put my efforts in these. I don't want them to be perfect. Just not horrid, that's all.

- I have decided that this game will be pretty hard. There will be chapters where your units will constantly be in danger and some wrong moves could cost you their lives. In other chapters, you will have to solve some puzzle-based events or something like that. I have some ideas that I'm going to bring down sooner or later.

- I give particular attention to music as well. I just wanted to point it out. =) Ah, I have changed the ally battle theme, it's now different from the one you could hear in the prologue video. I personally prefer this last one. ;P

- Chapter 1 introduces two new classes! The D.D. Knight (where D.D. stands for Different Dimension, just watch chapter 1 video to understand what I'm referring to) and Magic Archer.

The first one is a class exclusive to the character Helios. It is a Knight with excellent movement who can attack physically(no magic damage) at two tiles of distance with swords.

The second one is a rare class, so far the only one who bear it is Rya, Princess of Magnolia. Magic Archers use arrows which deal magic damage and are affected by magic triangle.

Things I'll fix soon:

- Cristoph's sprite. Yeah, the blonde Fighter. I honestly think that some parts of his body still are weird. Also, I must fix his battle palette.

- Some dialogue here and there, though I have already worked a lot on it. Ah, I noticed a mispelled "indeed" at the end, just don't mind it, I have already fixed it after making the video.

- The map. Some things are unsettled. Also, I'll put two houses, one over the river, and one over the bridges, so that the chapter may be a little more varied. Both houses will give special items if some conditions are met.

- Chapter names.

- Map events, though I'm indecided if I want to include them or not in this game. I figured out that I don't necessarly need them and that I also don't know how to hack them properly (lol).

- The sound effect at the starting dialogue of Ch. 1. I just haven't found yet a music which I think could fit perfectly in that scene, that's all.

Things will be revealed in chapter 2 or further on (just to say that I don't want to have plot-holes, but I'll explain everything sooner or later!):

- The nature of D.D. will be explained in a more detailed way.

- Hoikade's king?

- Hoikade's methods: are they right? Is Fa the one who is mistaking?

- Fa keeps on saying "I want to find answers" but why? And what is she effectively doing for that apart from killing people she wouldn't want to kill? -__-

- Why Fa is harsh and violent. Has she ever been like this?

- Who is the person who communicates with Helios.

- Other things as they may come in the plot.

I highly recommend you to watch Chapter 1 videos to have a clear idea of this hack! ^^ Obviously a LOT of work still has to be done, but I'll try doing my best. Also, I have the feeling I'm getting better and used to hacking little by little.. it's satisfying. (That wasn't an asshole's sentence, it was just some good ol' self-awareness. ;-;)

New! Screenshots:

awxrx2.png4jxsba.png

9l99bp.png2s0gvnr.png

azg9yd.png2qa2rep.png

"Wtf?? A shaman with a sword riding a horse?" Well, this is the D.D. Knight! Wonder how that rune works? It's not as you may think, I'm sure about it! This is a melee attack! lol Watch the full animation in the videos! =)

5vsq68.pngvoace1.png

"That guy looks weird! D:" Well, I know, I know. Still have to work on that mug, I guess. "And why does that girl have different colored eyes?". That's Rya, an original character of a dear friend of mine. She has a special meaning to her, and those eyes are part of that meaning. So, I won't tell you, sorry. ^^" But hey, she looks cool, I guess. And no, she didn't copy Idoun's.. she didn't even know Fire Emblem when she figured out Rya.

By the way, how is the magic archer? mmmh... something like this?

2evdp43.png

See that arrow at the dragon's feet? No? Too bad! But it's much clearer in the video, if you're interested. That's the Lightningrod, anyway. A "magic arrow". :3 *kinda troll-ish, yeah*

Also, Magic Archers have longer skirts than normal F-Archers.

New! Videos:

And this is part 2! (can't put it in YT format due to forum limitation, so I simply give the link)

Also note that this will be a one man solo hack. I'm not a lone wolf, it's only that this hack has a meaning to me... and I feel like I have to finish this alone.

Suggestions, though, are highly appreciated as always!

Hope you like the work so far! ; )

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I'm rather enjoying this. Sure, it's a bit rough around the edges and there are, of course, some things that need to be fixed but it's very good overall.

I'm a bit busy now so I'll give it a full run through and some suggestions and whatnot later on.

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I'm rather enjoying this. Sure, it's a bit rough around the edges and there are, of course, some things that need to be fixed but it's very good overall.

I'm a bit busy now so I'll give it a full run through and some suggestions and whatnot later on.

I'm glad you're liking this.

Let me know your detailed impressions when you have time. =)

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It was nice hearing Dahlia Hawthorne's theme at the end of Ch.1, even if that theme has creeped me out since I finished the 3rd PW game. I like the story so far, although I would say the dialogue needs polish.

I'm excited to see more!

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