This is only the first 6 chapters. There may be a character limit per post so I split them up into multiple posts, just to be safe.
The Adventures of Marcus and Old Marcus:
Two Wimps Against the World
[spoiler=Chapter I: Marcus' Wish]
Narrator: It was just another day for Marcus, one of the few remaining knights of Pherae. After Nergal's defeat at the hands of Lord Eliwood, things had cooled down dramatically, and him and the rest of the knights spent their days lounging around, doing nothing.
Marcus: *Outside of Castle Pherae, tending to his petunias* Dum dee dum doo…
Lowen: *Walks up to Marcus* Man, you're a dweeb… Can't you ever do anything cool for once?
Marcus: *Ignoring Lowen* Dee dum doo dee…
Lowen: I know you heard me.
Marcus: Hey, look! The mailman!
Mailman: *Walks up to Marcus and Lowen with a sack of mail* Hello, Lowen. Uh… Hi, Marcus…
Lowen: Did I get any mail?
Mailman: Yes, you did. Here's a letter from Rebecca, and here's a letter from one of your fans. *Hands letters to Lowen*
Lowen: *Opens fan mail and reads it aloud* Dear Lowen, You are the best. The very best. You are strong, and skilled, and fast, and I, as well as the entire populace of Ostia, love you very much for that time you saved Lord Hector from those Wyvern Lords on Chapter 29. Sincerely, Random Villager.
Marcus: Um… Did I get any mail?
Mailman: Actually, you got one hundred letters.
Marcus: Wow, I have a lot of fans!
Mailman: ...It's all hate mail.
Marcus: How do you know?
Mailman: I just know these things. *Drops a sack of letters on top of Marcus* Now, could anyone tell me where Harken is? There's some guy named General banzai that thinks he's the best prepromote ever.
Lowen: He's in the main hall of the castle. You can't miss him. *Points at castle*
Mailman: Thanks! *Goes into castle*
Lowen: Let's look at your mail, Marcus! *Reaches into sack, pulls out a random letter, and reads it* Dear Marcus, I hate you. That's why I started the Anti-Marcus Thread, because I despise you. You suck, and you ruin a lot of n00b's games, including mine. From, Leukos.
Marcus: Aw, man… Why do people hate me? I'm sure that there are people worse than me!
Lowen: Nope, not that I can think of. *Leaves*
Marcus: Man, stupid Lowen… *Kicks a rock* OW! Stupid rock, that hurt! *Picks up rock and almost throws it*
Rock: Wait! I am a magic rock!
Marcus: *Immediately interested* Really?
Rock: Of course! I'll grant you one wish if you don't throw me!
Marcus: Fine! I wish… I wish to find someone worse than me!
Rock: Hmm… That'll be tough… Let's see… Man, this is hard…
Marcus: This isn't very good to my self-esteem…
Rock: Ah-ha! I got someone! Okay, just wait a second! *Suddenly, the courtyard grows dark, there's a flash of orange, and then it grows light again. Standing just a few feet away from Marcus is someone worse than he is. And that person is…*
Marcus: …My older self…?[/spoiler]
[spoiler=Chapter II: Old Marcus]
Rock: There. I granted your wish. Now put me down.
Marcus: But… If that's my older self… then it's still me! I asked for someone worse than ME!
Rock: Actually, there was no one worse than you, so I improvised.
Marcus: Stupid rock! *Throws rock as far as he can*
Rock: What about our deeeeeeeeeeeeal… *Lands somewhere far away*
Old Marcus: What's going on? Why am I here? *Notices Marcus* Who are you?
Marcus: Uh… (Dang, I got ugly), I'm your younger self.
Old Marcus: What? Huh? Don't play tricks with me, prankster! Respect your elders! *Whacks Marcus*
Marcus: Wow, that rock was right. You are weak.
Old Marcus: Speak for yourself!
Lowen: *Walks out of castle and sees Old Marcus* Hey, look, everybody! It's Marcus' dad!
Old Marcus: His dad? I don't think so!
Lowen: Oh, come on. You look exactly alike. I'll bet he's worse than you, Marcus!
Old Marcus: Respect your elders, boy! *Whacks Lowen*
Lowen: *Doesn't notice* Man, this is something I have to show everybody… Harken! Isadora! Get out here! It's Marcus' dad!
Harken: What?! Marcus has a dad?!
Isadora: That's crazy talk!
Marcus: This is actually my older self, Lowen! I wished him here with a magic rock!
Old Marcus: What kind of cockamamie story is that?! Back in my day, children didn't tell such lame lies!
Marcus: I'm not a child… I'm in my forties…
Old Marcus: We didn't lie about our age, either!
Marcus: I'm not lying!
Old Marcus: We didn't lie about lying, as well!
Marcus: This is getting lame fast.
Lowen: Lame… Like you!
Harken: Oooh... BURNED!
Isadora: You're gonna need a wet towel for that burn!
Marcus: That was stupid.
Lowen: Oh, shut up. Everyone knows that I'm funny.
Harken: Yeah, Lowen's funny!
Isadora: And Marcus is lame!
Old Marcus: Hey, my name's Marcus, too!
Harken: Whoa… So you're Marcus Jr.?
Marcus: *Smacks forehead*[/spoiler][spoiler=Chapter III: Marcus Versus Lowen]
Lowen: I even wrote a song for how lame Marcus is!
Marcus: …A song?
Lowen: *Reading off of a piece of paper* Marcus is so lame, he doesn't play the game, and he's weak, and he's meek, and… uh… he stinks! Yeah!
Harken: Lowen, you're going to be a future Grammy winner!
Isadora: That was beautiful!
Lowen: *Bows* Thank you, thank you!
Harken: I especially liked the part where you were, like, saying that Marcus doesn't play the game, because he's lame.
Marcus: Oh, come on, I can make a better song than that!
Old Marcus: *Is crying because Lowen's song was so wonderful* Sniff… That was… the greatest song… that I've ever heard!
Marcus: Well… Well, at least I comb my hair, Mr. Musician!
Lowen: Ooh, you just took it to the next level! I challenge you… to a duel!
Marcus: I accept! I can beat you any day! *Suddenly, a coliseum appears around them, filled with hundreds of cheering spectators. Harken, Isadora, and Old Marcus are all watching in the V.I.P. box*
Harken: Isn't it great that impossible stuff like this can always happen in video games?
Random Announcer: Hello, everybody! On the right side, we have the fearless Lowen the Great!
Random Announcer: And on the left side, we have the wimpy Marcus the Wimp!
Random Announcer: Are the combatants ready?
Lowen: Of course!
Marcus: Uh… Su- *Is hit by a hundred tomatoes* OW!
Audience: *Whistles innocently*
Random Announcer: Then… FIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT!
Lowen: You're goin' downtown, Marcus!
Marcus: Ooh, are there any good shops downtown?
Lowen: It's a figure of speech, idiot!
Lowen: Die! *Hurls Spear at Marcus*
Marcus: *Is hit* Ha! Good thing I have good defense!
Lowen: You don't have good defense.
Marcus: I… don't…?
Old Marcus: *In the V.I.P. box* That's my boy!
Marcus: Take this! *Attacks with the Silver Lance*
Lowen: *Dodges* You got nuttin' on this griddle!
Marcus: Uh… What?
Lowen: Oh, yeah… Since your speed stinks, I get to double attack you!
Marcus: Wait, you left me at "griddle..."
Lowen: *Tosses another Spear at Marcus*
Marcus: *Is hit… again* Oof!
Old Marcus: You idiot, at least try to dodge it!
Marcus: I am!
Old Marcus: You don't even move!
Marcus: …What's your point?
Harken: *In a Lowen-Fan T-shirt, baseball hat, and sunglasses while drinking from his special Lowen-Fan sippy cup* Hey, Isadora, get us some Lowen-Fan popcorn!
Isadora: *Smacks Harken* I am not Isadora!
Harken: Huh? What?
Isadora: I am… Isadora the Explorer! *Suddenly, Dora the Explorer theme music begins playing* Swiper, no swiping!
Old Marcus: *Also in Lowen-Fan T-shirt, baseball cap, and sunglasses while drinking from his special Lowen-Fan sippy cup* Will you kids shut up? I'm trying to watch the game! GO LOWEN!
Marcus: Hey, how can you root against yourself?
Old Marcus: Stop talking to me and fight, you wimp! *Throws popcorn at Marcus*
Marcus: Ouch, that popcorn hurt!
Lowen: Stop whining about your popcorn wounds and FIGHT!
Marcus: Whatever. I summon Bahamut!
Kent: *In the stands, rooting for Lowen* Hey! That's my line!
The Two People that Read FEUV: LOL!
Everybody Else: Was that supposed to be funny?
Marcus: Fine, then, I will attack you with the Silver Lance!
Lowen: Hey, thanks for telling me! *Equips Silver Axe*
Marcus: Hey, I can't even use Silver Axes! How'd your weapon levels get so high?
Lowen: Silence, CHUMP-BOY! *Throws Tomahawk at Marcus*
Marcus: Hey, it was my turn- Oof! *Is knocked off of his horse by the Tomahawk*
*Meanwhile, up in the announcer's box*
Sparky: Dude, shouldn't you be, like, announcing?
Random Announcer: *Is watching House, A.K.A. The most awesome show ever* Huh, what? Why would anyone want to announce when House is on?
Sparky: You're right! *Watches House with Random Announcer*
*Back in the arena*
Marcus: *Is running away from Lowen* Gaah!
Lowen: *Whacks Marcus with the Silver Axe again and again… and again… and again, because Marcus' speed stinks*
Marcus: (Hey, this hurts! Maybe if I pretend I'm dead…) *Slumps over as if he's dead, but breathing noticeably*
Random Announcer: Whoa, that guy just shot House! …I mean, we have a WINNER! Congratulations to LOWEN!
Sparky: Dude, you just missed it! House cut some dweeb in half with a robotic claw!
Random Announcer: WHAT?! *Runs back to House*
*The crowd leaves, cheering on Lowen as they all sing in perfect unison "We are the Champions. Old Marcus, Harken, and Isadora the Explorer all lift Lowen into the air*
Marcus: *Still pretending to be dead* Ugh…[/spoiler][spoiler=Chapter IV: Canas is Kidnapped!]
Narrator: While Marcus was suffering defeat at the hands of Lowen, way, far away in a small village in Ilia, people were preparing for the worst snowstorm in ages. Of course, the scholar Canas and his wife were planning to fight back the dreaded snowstorm with all of their magical power.
Canas: *In his house, organizing his magic tomes* Well, this snowstorm is going to be a big one, so I might want to dress warm…
Narrator: Suddenly, Canas hears the door creak open!
Canas: Huh? Who's there?
Huh?: I'm sorry, Canas…
Canas: It's you!
Huh?: *Pulls out tranquilizer gun and shoots Canas* I was paid a lot of money to do this…
Canas: No… I… don't believe… it… *Falls asleep*
Canas' Wife: *Suddenly walks into the room* Canas, are you ready to fight the blizzard?
Huh?: There wasn't supposed to be anyone else!
Huh?(2): *Walks through door* Exterminate her.
Canas' Wife: Hey, what's going on? How come I don't even have a real name?
Huh?: Are you sure this is what our master wants?
Huh?(2): No one else can know. Kill her quickly!
Huh?: …Fine. *Casts Excalibur, killing Canas' wife* I'm so sorry, Canas…
Huh?(2): Quit sniveling. Bury her body. We must leave quickly!
Huh?: But won't people think it strange that they're missing?
Huh?(2): For all they know, both Canas and his wife died while trying to protect the village from a snowstorm.
Huh?: Oh, this is so terrible…
Huh?(2): Hey, you agreed to do this when you joined our master. Now let's hurry!
*Meanwhile, back in Pherae, about a day later*
Mailman: *Running up to Castle Pherae* Urgent news! Urgent news!
Marcus: *Running from his flower bed* OOH! News! Hooray!
Mailman: *Panting* I just came from Ilia! Canas and his wife are dead!
Marcus: Oh, no…
*Suddenly, Harken, Isadora the Explorer, and Old Marcus come out of the castle, still carrying Lowen on their shoulders*
Harken, Isadora the Explorer, and Old Marcus: Oh, Lowen's a jolly good fellow, Lowen's a jolly good fellow, that nobody can deny!
Lowen: thank you, my adoring fans!
Mailman: Urgent news! Canas and his wife were killed trying to protect their village from a snowstorm!
Lowen: Who's Canas?
Old Marcus: Bah! I'll bet you that this fellow here that everybody hates really murdered them both and used the snowstorm thingy-majig as a cover up!
Lowen: You killed Canas?! (Whoever he is) I will hang you!
Harken and Isadora the Explorer: *Chanting* Hang him, hang him!
Marcus: Gah! *Runs away*
I'm sorry if this chapter wasn't as funny as the others, but I had to get a plot in there somehow. Trust me, it will revert back to previous funniness next chapter![/spoiler][spoiler=Chapter V: Marcus on the Run]
Eliwood: *In Castle Pherae, giving a speech to the knights* Troops, we have a problem. One of our own has murdered our dear Canas… The very same Canas that had that stylish monocle!
Eliwood: This traitor is… MARCUS! I need you to find him, and kill him!
Troops: *Run off to kill Marcus*
Old Marcus: I've always wanted to kill that villain, ever since I met him!
Harken: Come on, Isadora! Let's kill Marcus!
Isadora the Explorer: Wait! Can you find the purple ball?
Isadora the Explorer: …
Harken: What are you doing?
Isadora the Explorer: …
Harken: Man, this is awkward…
Isadora the Explorer: Correct! There is the purple ball!
Harken: Now can we go kill Marcus?
Isadora the Explorer: Go, Harkeniego, go!
Narrator: Meanwhile, in the small village next to Castle Pherae…
Marcus: *Hiding in trashcan* Ha! They'll never find me now!
Marcus' Horse: *Also hiding in same trashcan* Neigh!
Marcus: you're right, Horsey! This place is too cramped!
Marcus' Horse: …Neigh?
Marcus: No, Horsey, we can't get out, they'd catch us!
Marcus' Horse: Neigh!
Marcus: All right, all right, you win! *Gets out of trashcan*
Angry Mob: *Is standing right there* Kill Marcus!
Marcus: Gah! *Runs*
Marcus' Horse: Yes! He's gone! Now I can catch up on my soaps!
Marcus: *Talking to himself while he runs* If only I could go somewhere that nobody would find me…
Angry mob: *Chanting* Kill Marcus' children!
Marcus: I don't have children!
Angry Mob: *Chanting* Kill Marcus!
Marcus: wait, I do have children! They're, uh, in the Nabata Desert!
Angry Mob: *Chanting* All your base are belong to us!
Angry Mob: *Chanting* You have little chance to survive… Make your time!
Marcus: I can't take it! *Trips and falls, landing next to a rock* Wait! A rock! Please be a magic rock, please be a magic rock…
Random Villager: *Watching Marcus* O_o
Rock: Hey, you lucked out! I'm a magic rock!
Rock: …No. Just kidding!
Marcus: I'm doomed!
Rock: I can connect you to the magic rock hotline!
Marcus: Yeah, do that!
Rock: …Please hold. *Dials magic rock hotline*
Marcus: I wonder what's taking that angry mob so long?
Isadora the Explorer: Can you see the yellow square?
Angry Mob: Where's the Yellow Square? WHERE'S THE YELLOW SQUARE?
Isadora the Explorer: … … … … Go, Harkeniego, go!
Angry Mob: Where's the yellow square?
Isadora the Explorer: Swiper, no swiping!
Marcus: Hurry up, rock!
Rock: *Playing waiting music and singing along* Oh, look at all the lonely people… Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah! Oh, look at all the lonely people…
Marcus: Come on, be quicker!
Rock: …Father McKenzie, lived in a church writing the words to a salmon that no one would hear…
Marcus: Those aren't even the right words!
Rock: Hello, this is the magic rock hotline. What is your wish?
Marcus: I wish I was somewhere nobody could find me!
Rock: …Please hold. We will, we will, ROCK you! We will, we will…
Isadora the Explorer: That's it for our show! Tune in next time andSUBLIMINALMINDMESSAGEOFTHEDAYBUYCHEERIOS Isadora the explorer!
Angry Mob: *Goes to buy Cheerios*
Rock: …Kicking my frying pan all over the place!
Marcus: STOP BUTCHERING THE WORDS, ROCK!
Rock: Please hold. Your wish will be granted in thirty seconds.
Rock: Oh, I've been through the desert on a horse with no name, and now I'm glad to get out of the rain…
Marcus: NO! Not old songs!
Angry Mob: *Has eaten Cheerios* Kill Marcus!
Rock: …Your wish has been granted!
Marcus: Finally! *Suddenly, a warp sucks him to someplace nobody would find him*
Angry Mob: What a gyp! *Buys more Cheerios*[/spoiler][spoiler=Chapter VI: Marcus on the Dread Isle]
Narrator: Marcus' wish took him to the Dread Isle.
Sparky: Dude, that was boring. Be more enthusiastic!
Narrator: …Fine. Marcus' wish took him to the Dread Isle!
Sparky: Much better.
Marcus: *Is in front of the Dragon's Gate* Well, I guess no one can find me here! I'll just grow my own crops and hunt wild animals for the rest of my life!
Old Marcus: What in gleeber-dabber just happened?!
Marcus: Huh? Why are you here?
Rock: *Is there for no reason* Because you wished for yourself to be here, and since he technically is you, he came as well!
Marcus: Whoa! That's the third rock to talk to me!
Old Marcus; son, are you delusional?
Marcus: I am not your son! You are me!
Old Marcus: But you are not me!
Marcus: Yes, I- never mind! I am your son! Are you happy?
Old Marcus: Son, it's time we had a talk about the birds and the bees…
Rock: Could you talk someplace else? I'm trying to sleep!
Marcus: *Throws rock somewhere far away*
Old Marcus: Son, there's a time when you get older that…
Marcus: I'm not a kid! I'm in my forties!
Old Marcus: Son, I told you not to lie about your age!
Marcus: Okay, just leave me alone! Go somewhere! *Runs into the Dragon's Gate castle*
Old Marcus: My son doesn't love me anymore…
Marcus: *In the Dragon's Gate castle* I have to hide from him! *Hides behind random pillar*
Canas: *Is tied to a chair, gagged and bound, and sees Marcus* MMPH!
Renault: *Suddenly walks into room* Ah, he's awake! Nino, Pent! Come to me!
Pent: *Appears* Yes, master. Your will is my command.
Nino: *Appears* Of course, master…
Renault: Stupid child, address me with confidence!
Nino: Yes, master!
Renault: Much better. I say… Ever since Pent told me of how you hesitated to do my will when kidnapping Canas, I have begun to lose faith in you as a subordinate!
Nino: I will be better next time, master!
Renault: …Good. Now I will say my evil plan really loudly so that anybody in here can hear for no apparent reason! Bwahaha!
Pent: Master, what if a spy is listening behind that pillar? *Points to pillar Marcus is hiding behind*
Renault: What? No spies hide behind pillars! You have to be a stupid, idiotic, moronic loser to hide behind that pillar! No, I am a hundred percent sure no spies are behind that pillar!
Pent: As you say, master!
Renault: Very nice. Nino, you should be more like Pent!
Nino: But I'm better than Pent!
Rock: Ooh, you just got BURNZORED!
Pent: Burnzored…? And since when can rocks talk?
Renault: Stupid rocks, always tampering with other's affairs! *Hits rock with magic staff*
Rock: *Isn't hurt at all*
Rock: *Is hit by Luce, but still isn't hurt*
Renault: Nino, get rid of that stupid rock!
Nino: As you wish… *Casts Fire on rock, and it explodes into pieces*
Renault: As I was saying, my evil plan that I'm telling you for no reason very loudly so that everybody can hear is to- Huh?
Renault: I cast Silence! *Casts Silence, but misses even though Canas can't move*
Renault: Curses, the staff must be defective!
Nino: Actually, I think the problem is with your Skill-
Renault: Silence! I have better things to do than this! I have a world to take over! The populace will bow to me! I don't have to put up with you! Pent!
Pent: Yes, master?
Renault: Prepare to take Canas to Bern. I've finished what I needed to do here! We leave tomorrow!
Pent: Yes, master.
Renault: And Nino, fix me some coffee! I'm caffeine-deprived!
Nino: Uh, yes, master.
Renault: *Grumbles to himself*
Marcus: *Still behind pillar* (Take over the world? I have to do something! But what…?)[/spoiler]
Edited by Klokinator, 16 March 2012 - 03:37 AM.