14 replies to this topic

[Spector]

Hello! I'm rather new, but I thought that a good way to get introduced to the community would be to post my Fanfic.

So I will. Feel free to leave a review if you'd like.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8017946/1/

[Furetchen]

I'm not certain entirely what just happened. You aren't entirely incompetent. In fact, you could be quite good if not for the incredibly rushed pace, and yet I hate absolutely every part of that first chapter.

I get the feeling that the setting is getting in the way of me not punching you in the face. I would read on, but I feel that would be anathema to my health and happiness.

(This is the nicest review I've ever done.)

[eclipse]

Since Furet is not being his usual self, it's up to me to do it. WHY?

'Ring Ring Ring Ring Ring Ring Ring, Banana Phone!' Chimed my cellphone. The ring tone already told me who it was, my good friend Daniel. I clicked the green button, and another one to put it on speaker.

"Oi, you coming yet Larson?" Daniel's deep voice comes out of the piece of plastic with only the slight hint he's moving.

First sentence: Past tense.
Second sentence: Present tense.

Choose a tense and stick with it.

"No, I'm not. You told me seven thirty." I reply annoyed.

Commas go right before a closed quote, and to separate a thought. Like so:

"No, I'm not. You told me seven thirty," I reply, annoyed.

I'd put the time in something that wasn't words. 7:30 works, but why are people waking up at that early for laser tag?

"You're a track star, I'm sure you could handle it." I snark back.

One of these words is not like the others! "Replied back snarkily" and "came my sarcastic reply" are other ways of expression the same thought.

'Well, I'd rather roll up in a bomb-ass caddy, if you get what I'm saying."

"It's a Bonneville, bro." I reminded him.

I'm sure there's a reason why I have no idea what the hell these two just said.

"And there is a house in New Orleans too, you wanna know what it's called?"

I sigh. "Could it be called The Rising Sun?"

I get this joke. I'm not sure if people outside the US who haven't listened to that particular song will.

[nitpick mode]

TOWER OF VALNI! WRITE THIS FIFTEEN TIMES!

[/nitpick mode]

I, pulling on my memory of Fire Emblem magic, copy a shaman's hands and say the first words that come to my mind.

Requescia Timpachi Tenebrae, I intone. A sphere of darkness begins to form above my head. I'm freaking out inside, but I have to continue. My hands were raised to keep the ball over me, now I wind back and point at Rhys, Phoenix Wright Objection-style and yell, "Flux!"

1. WHAT THE HELL. Since when did randomness count as "sudden proficiency in dark magic"?
2. Flux doesn't exist in Tellius; try Worm.

[Spector]

Each kind of Spell/Tome will exist in my iteration.

Plus, the whole proficiency in Dark Magic is mostly explained later.

Otherwise, thank you! To be honest, you guys are the first people to give anything resembling a negative review.

[Anouleth]

I'm not certain entirely what just happened. You aren't entirely incompetent.

ugh I hate it when people use this phrase, it's the smuggest most condescending thing that it's possible to say about anything

[Furetchen]

... What is it with me and poor phrasing

OKAY what I meant by that was that you weren't actually awful technically (I... think. I've been wrong with that before.) and so I didn't even know why my reaction was that violent. Again, I think it's mainly the premise as well as how rushed everything is.

The emotion that was intended was more total confusion.

[eclipse]

Each kind of Spell/Tome will exist in my iteration.

Plus, the whole proficiency in Dark Magic is mostly explained later.

Otherwise, thank you! To be honest, you guys are the first people to give anything resembling a negative review.

I'll take that for now. Furet tends to scream at people, but he usually has a point. I'm not as fun to read.

[Spector]

Thought about it some more, and also discussed it with the other inserted person.

The Dark tomes that exist in PoR/RD take a lot more proficiency than Flux, so if I didn't want people declaring my Insert a Gary Stu/Tzu for an Instant B in Dark magic, I had to do what I did.

Also, chapter 5 is out.

[eclipse]

Your main character doesn't sound like someone who I can really relate/sympathize with. . .it kinda sounds like he's in there just to make people miserable. I'd give a bit more screen time to your friend - all he seems to be doing is following along.

[Spector]

You know, you might be my most attentive reader. I'm not trying to make my insert a likable character, I hinted that as early as chapter 3. Yet every reviewer so far ether hasn't noticed or actually liked his snarky attitude.

[Spector]

Chapter 6 is live.http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8017946/6/Path_Of_Valor

[eclipse]

Your character is sure not-smooth with girls.

Why is that axe of yours attempting poetry? It seems. . .odd. Otherwise, I thought this chapter was pretty good.

[Spector]

The Devil Axe was a one-off joke somebody did in a Shadow Dragon LP, but I thought it was funny. So I rolled with it.

Character-me is actually doing what Author-me is. It's a lot easier to write a romance if there aren't any secrets between characters, so Character-me is getting it out of the way. So is Author-me.

I think it's very clever.

...

Don't look at me like that, Internet.

[Spector]

Chapter 7 is go.


http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8017946/7/

[Spector]

Well this is embarrassing. I've gone three chapters without updating this thread.

I'm sure I'm ruining Furetchen day by confirming I'm still active.

In the process of writing Chapter 11, but here's the link to 10.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8017946/10/Path-Of-Valor