Sign in to follow this  

The Adventures of Young Marcus and Old Marcus!

Recommended Posts

Disclaimer: this fan-fic was created by General_Banzai of the Nintendo Forums and is allowed to be reused here through his sole permission. I, Klokinator have had no part in the creation of this fic whatsoever, but i am posting it here on the behalf of General_Banzai for your enjoyment. If you want to view his other Fire Emblem themed Fan-Fics, then click on one of the following links. If you wish to contact him, then pm him a message on the Nintendo forums or give it to me to relay to him. Thank you, that is all.

This is only the first 6 chapters. There may be a character limit per post so I split them up into multiple posts, just to be safe.

The Adventures of Marcus and Old Marcus:

Two Wimps Against the World

[spoiler=Chapter I: Marcus' Wish]

Narrator: It was just another day for Marcus, one of the few remaining knights of Pherae. After Nergal's defeat at the hands of Lord Eliwood, things had cooled down dramatically, and him and the rest of the knights spent their days lounging around, doing nothing.

Marcus: *Outside of Castle Pherae, tending to his petunias* Dum dee dum doo…

Lowen: *Walks up to Marcus* Man, you're a dweeb… Can't you ever do anything cool for once?

Marcus: *Ignoring Lowen* Dee dum doo dee…

Lowen: I know you heard me.

Marcus: Hey, look! The mailman!

Mailman: *Walks up to Marcus and Lowen with a sack of mail* Hello, Lowen. Uh… Hi, Marcus…

Lowen: Did I get any mail?

Mailman: Yes, you did. Here's a letter from Rebecca, and here's a letter from one of your fans. *Hands letters to Lowen*

Lowen: *Opens fan mail and reads it aloud* Dear Lowen, You are the best. The very best. You are strong, and skilled, and fast, and I, as well as the entire populace of Ostia, love you very much for that time you saved Lord Hector from those Wyvern Lords on Chapter 29. Sincerely, Random Villager.

Marcus: Um… Did I get any mail?

Mailman: Actually, you got one hundred letters.

Marcus: Wow, I have a lot of fans!

Mailman: ...It's all hate mail.

Marcus: How do you know?

Mailman: I just know these things. *Drops a sack of letters on top of Marcus* Now, could anyone tell me where Harken is? There's some guy named General banzai that thinks he's the best prepromote ever.

Lowen: He's in the main hall of the castle. You can't miss him. *Points at castle*

Mailman: Thanks! *Goes into castle*

Lowen: Let's look at your mail, Marcus! *Reaches into sack, pulls out a random letter, and reads it* Dear Marcus, I hate you. That's why I started the Anti-Marcus Thread, because I despise you. You suck, and you ruin a lot of n00b's games, including mine. From, Leukos.

Marcus: Aw, man… Why do people hate me? I'm sure that there are people worse than me!

Lowen: Nope, not that I can think of. *Leaves*

Marcus: Man, stupid Lowen… *Kicks a rock* OW! Stupid rock, that hurt! *Picks up rock and almost throws it*

Rock: Wait! I am a magic rock!

Marcus: *Immediately interested* Really?

Rock: Of course! I'll grant you one wish if you don't throw me!

Marcus: Fine! I wish… I wish to find someone worse than me!

Rock: Hmm… That'll be tough… Let's see… Man, this is hard…

Marcus: This isn't very good to my self-esteem…

Rock: Ah-ha! I got someone! Okay, just wait a second! *Suddenly, the courtyard grows dark, there's a flash of orange, and then it grows light again. Standing just a few feet away from Marcus is someone worse than he is. And that person is…*

Marcus: …My older self…?

[spoiler=Chapter II: Old Marcus]

Rock: There. I granted your wish. Now put me down.

Marcus: But… If that's my older self… then it's still me! I asked for someone worse than ME!

Rock: Actually, there was no one worse than you, so I improvised.

Marcus: Stupid rock! *Throws rock as far as he can*

Rock: What about our deeeeeeeeeeeeal… *Lands somewhere far away*

Old Marcus: What's going on? Why am I here? *Notices Marcus* Who are you?

Marcus: Uh… (Dang, I got ugly), I'm your younger self.

Old Marcus: What? Huh? Don't play tricks with me, prankster! Respect your elders! *Whacks Marcus*

Marcus: Wow, that rock was right. You are weak.

Old Marcus: Speak for yourself!

Lowen: *Walks out of castle and sees Old Marcus* Hey, look, everybody! It's Marcus' dad!

Old Marcus: His dad? I don't think so!

Lowen: Oh, come on. You look exactly alike. I'll bet he's worse than you, Marcus!

Old Marcus: Respect your elders, boy! *Whacks Lowen*

Lowen: *Doesn't notice* Man, this is something I have to show everybody… Harken! Isadora! Get out here! It's Marcus' dad!

Harken: What?! Marcus has a dad?!

Isadora: That's crazy talk!

Marcus: This is actually my older self, Lowen! I wished him here with a magic rock!

Lowen: O_o

Harken: O_o

Isadora: O_o

Old Marcus: What kind of cockamamie story is that?! Back in my day, children didn't tell such lame lies!

Marcus: I'm not a child… I'm in my forties…

Old Marcus: We didn't lie about our age, either!

Marcus: I'm not lying!

Old Marcus: We didn't lie about lying, as well!

Marcus: This is getting lame fast.

Lowen: Lame… Like you!

Harken: Oooh... BURNED!

Isadora: You're gonna need a wet towel for that burn!

Marcus: That was stupid.

Lowen: Oh, shut up. Everyone knows that I'm funny.

Harken: Yeah, Lowen's funny!

Isadora: And Marcus is lame!

Old Marcus: Hey, my name's Marcus, too!

Harken: Whoa… So you're Marcus Jr.?

Marcus: *Smacks forehead*

[spoiler=Chapter III: Marcus Versus Lowen]

Lowen: I even wrote a song for how lame Marcus is!

Marcus: …A song?

Lowen: *Reading off of a piece of paper* Marcus is so lame, he doesn't play the game, and he's weak, and he's meek, and… uh… he stinks! Yeah!

Harken: Lowen, you're going to be a future Grammy winner!

Isadora: That was beautiful!

Lowen: *Bows* Thank you, thank you!

Harken: I especially liked the part where you were, like, saying that Marcus doesn't play the game, because he's lame.

Marcus: Oh, come on, I can make a better song than that!

Old Marcus: *Is crying because Lowen's song was so wonderful* Sniff… That was… the greatest song… that I've ever heard!

Marcus: Well… Well, at least I comb my hair, Mr. Musician!

Lowen: Ooh, you just took it to the next level! I challenge you… to a duel!

Marcus: I accept! I can beat you any day! *Suddenly, a coliseum appears around them, filled with hundreds of cheering spectators. Harken, Isadora, and Old Marcus are all watching in the V.I.P. box*

Harken: Isn't it great that impossible stuff like this can always happen in video games?

Random Announcer: Hello, everybody! On the right side, we have the fearless Lowen the Great!

Audience: *Cheers*

Random Announcer: And on the left side, we have the wimpy Marcus the Wimp!

Audience: *Boos*

Random Announcer: Are the combatants ready?

Lowen: Of course!

Marcus: Uh… Su- *Is hit by a hundred tomatoes* OW!

Audience: *Whistles innocently*


Lowen: You're goin' downtown, Marcus!

Marcus: Ooh, are there any good shops downtown?

Lowen: It's a figure of speech, idiot!

Marcus: …Oh.

Lowen: Die! *Hurls Spear at Marcus*

Marcus: *Is hit* Ha! Good thing I have good defense!

Lowen: You don't have good defense.

Marcus: I… don't…?

Old Marcus: *In the V.I.P. box* That's my boy!

Marcus: Take this! *Attacks with the Silver Lance*

Lowen: *Dodges* You got nuttin' on this griddle!

Marcus: Uh… What?

Lowen: Oh, yeah… Since your speed stinks, I get to double attack you!

Marcus: Wait, you left me at "griddle..."

Lowen: *Tosses another Spear at Marcus*

Marcus: *Is hit… again* Oof!

Old Marcus: You idiot, at least try to dodge it!

Marcus: I am!

Old Marcus: You don't even move!

Marcus: …What's your point?

Harken: *In a Lowen-Fan T-shirt, baseball hat, and sunglasses while drinking from his special Lowen-Fan sippy cup* Hey, Isadora, get us some Lowen-Fan popcorn!

Isadora: *Smacks Harken* I am not Isadora!

Harken: Huh? What?

Isadora: I am… Isadora the Explorer! *Suddenly, Dora the Explorer theme music begins playing* Swiper, no swiping!

Old Marcus: *Also in Lowen-Fan T-shirt, baseball cap, and sunglasses while drinking from his special Lowen-Fan sippy cup* Will you kids shut up? I'm trying to watch the game! GO LOWEN!

Marcus: Hey, how can you root against yourself?

Old Marcus: Stop talking to me and fight, you wimp! *Throws popcorn at Marcus*

Marcus: Ouch, that popcorn hurt!

Lowen: Stop whining about your popcorn wounds and FIGHT!

Marcus: Whatever. I summon Bahamut!

Kent: *In the stands, rooting for Lowen* Hey! That's my line!

The Two People that Read FEUV: LOL!

Everybody Else: Was that supposed to be funny?

Marcus: Fine, then, I will attack you with the Silver Lance!

Lowen: Hey, thanks for telling me! *Equips Silver Axe*

Marcus: Hey, I can't even use Silver Axes! How'd your weapon levels get so high?

Lowen: Silence, CHUMP-BOY! *Throws Tomahawk at Marcus*

Marcus: Hey, it was my turn- Oof! *Is knocked off of his horse by the Tomahawk*

*Meanwhile, up in the announcer's box*

Sparky: Dude, shouldn't you be, like, announcing?

Random Announcer: *Is watching House, A.K.A. The most awesome show ever* Huh, what? Why would anyone want to announce when House is on?

Sparky: You're right! *Watches House with Random Announcer*

*Back in the arena*

Marcus: *Is running away from Lowen* Gaah!

Lowen: *Whacks Marcus with the Silver Axe again and again… and again… and again, because Marcus' speed stinks*

Marcus: (Hey, this hurts! Maybe if I pretend I'm dead…) *Slumps over as if he's dead, but breathing noticeably*

Random Announcer: Whoa, that guy just shot House! …I mean, we have a WINNER! Congratulations to LOWEN!

Audience: *Cheers*

Sparky: Dude, you just missed it! House cut some dweeb in half with a robotic claw!

Random Announcer: WHAT?! *Runs back to House*

*The crowd leaves, cheering on Lowen as they all sing in perfect unison "We are the Champions. Old Marcus, Harken, and Isadora the Explorer all lift Lowen into the air*

Marcus: *Still pretending to be dead* Ugh…

[spoiler=Chapter IV: Canas is Kidnapped!]

Narrator: While Marcus was suffering defeat at the hands of Lowen, way, far away in a small village in Ilia, people were preparing for the worst snowstorm in ages. Of course, the scholar Canas and his wife were planning to fight back the dreaded snowstorm with all of their magical power.

Canas: *In his house, organizing his magic tomes* Well, this snowstorm is going to be a big one, so I might want to dress warm…

Narrator: Suddenly, Canas hears the door creak open!

Canas: Huh? Who's there?

Huh?: I'm sorry, Canas…

Canas: It's you!

Huh?: *Pulls out tranquilizer gun and shoots Canas* I was paid a lot of money to do this…

Canas: No… I… don't believe… it… *Falls asleep*

Canas' Wife: *Suddenly walks into the room* Canas, are you ready to fight the blizzard?

Huh?: There wasn't supposed to be anyone else!

Huh?(2): *Walks through door* Exterminate her.

Canas' Wife: Hey, what's going on? How come I don't even have a real name?

Huh?: Are you sure this is what our master wants?

Huh?(2): No one else can know. Kill her quickly!

Huh?: …Fine. *Casts Excalibur, killing Canas' wife* I'm so sorry, Canas…

Huh?(2): Quit sniveling. Bury her body. We must leave quickly!

Huh?: But won't people think it strange that they're missing?

Huh?(2): For all they know, both Canas and his wife died while trying to protect the village from a snowstorm.

Huh?: Oh, this is so terrible…

Huh?(2): Hey, you agreed to do this when you joined our master. Now let's hurry!

*Meanwhile, back in Pherae, about a day later*

Mailman: *Running up to Castle Pherae* Urgent news! Urgent news!

Marcus: *Running from his flower bed* OOH! News! Hooray!

Mailman: *Panting* I just came from Ilia! Canas and his wife are dead!

Marcus: Oh, no…

*Suddenly, Harken, Isadora the Explorer, and Old Marcus come out of the castle, still carrying Lowen on their shoulders*

Harken, Isadora the Explorer, and Old Marcus: Oh, Lowen's a jolly good fellow, Lowen's a jolly good fellow, that nobody can deny!

Lowen: thank you, my adoring fans!

Mailman: Urgent news! Canas and his wife were killed trying to protect their village from a snowstorm!

Lowen: Who's Canas?

Old Marcus: Bah! I'll bet you that this fellow here that everybody hates really murdered them both and used the snowstorm thingy-majig as a cover up!

Marcus: What?

Lowen: You killed Canas?! (Whoever he is) I will hang you!

Harken and Isadora the Explorer: *Chanting* Hang him, hang him!

Marcus: Gah! *Runs away*

I'm sorry if this chapter wasn't as funny as the others, but I had to get a plot in there somehow. Trust me, it will revert back to previous funniness next chapter!

[spoiler=Chapter V: Marcus on the Run]

Eliwood: *In Castle Pherae, giving a speech to the knights* Troops, we have a problem. One of our own has murdered our dear Canas… The very same Canas that had that stylish monocle!

Troops: *Gasp*

Eliwood: This traitor is… MARCUS! I need you to find him, and kill him!

Troops: *Run off to kill Marcus*

Old Marcus: I've always wanted to kill that villain, ever since I met him!

Harken: Come on, Isadora! Let's kill Marcus!

Isadora the Explorer: Wait! Can you find the purple ball?

Harken: Huh?

Isadora the Explorer: …

Harken: What are you doing?

Isadora the Explorer: …

Harken: Man, this is awkward…

Isadora the Explorer: Correct! There is the purple ball!

Harken: Now can we go kill Marcus?

Isadora the Explorer: Go, Harkeniego, go!

Harken: …Harkeniego…?

Narrator: Meanwhile, in the small village next to Castle Pherae…

Marcus: *Hiding in trashcan* Ha! They'll never find me now!

Marcus' Horse: *Also hiding in same trashcan* Neigh!

Marcus: you're right, Horsey! This place is too cramped!

Marcus' Horse: …Neigh?

Marcus: No, Horsey, we can't get out, they'd catch us!

Marcus' Horse: Neigh!

Marcus: All right, all right, you win! *Gets out of trashcan*

Angry Mob: *Is standing right there* Kill Marcus!

Marcus: Gah! *Runs*

Marcus' Horse: Yes! He's gone! Now I can catch up on my soaps!

Marcus: *Talking to himself while he runs* If only I could go somewhere that nobody would find me…

Angry mob: *Chanting* Kill Marcus' children!

Marcus: I don't have children!

Angry Mob: *Chanting* Kill Marcus!

Marcus: wait, I do have children! They're, uh, in the Nabata Desert!

Angry Mob: *Chanting* All your base are belong to us!

Marcus: NO!

Angry Mob: *Chanting* You have little chance to survive… Make your time!

Marcus: I can't take it! *Trips and falls, landing next to a rock* Wait! A rock! Please be a magic rock, please be a magic rock…

Random Villager: *Watching Marcus* O_o

Rock: Hey, you lucked out! I'm a magic rock!

Marcus: …Seriously?

Rock: …No. Just kidding!

Marcus: I'm doomed!

Rock: I can connect you to the magic rock hotline!

Marcus: Yeah, do that!

Rock: …Please hold. *Dials magic rock hotline*

Marcus: I wonder what's taking that angry mob so long?

Isadora the Explorer: Can you see the yellow square?

Angry Mob: Where's the Yellow Square? WHERE'S THE YELLOW SQUARE?

Isadora the Explorer: … … … … Go, Harkeniego, go!

Harken: What?

Angry Mob: Where's the yellow square?

Isadora the Explorer: Swiper, no swiping!

Marcus: Hurry up, rock!

Rock: *Playing waiting music and singing along* Oh, look at all the lonely people… Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah! Oh, look at all the lonely people…

Marcus: Come on, be quicker!

Rock: …Father McKenzie, lived in a church writing the words to a salmon that no one would hear…

Marcus: Those aren't even the right words!

Rock: Hello, this is the magic rock hotline. What is your wish?

Marcus: I wish I was somewhere nobody could find me!

Rock: …Please hold. We will, we will, ROCK you! We will, we will…

Isadora the Explorer: That's it for our show! Tune in next time andSUBLIMINALMINDMESSAGEOFTHEDAYBUYCHEERIOS Isadora the explorer!

Angry Mob: *Goes to buy Cheerios*

Rock: …Kicking my frying pan all over the place!


Rock: Please hold. Your wish will be granted in thirty seconds.

Marcus: Yes!

Rock: Oh, I've been through the desert on a horse with no name, and now I'm glad to get out of the rain…

Marcus: NO! Not old songs!

Angry Mob: *Has eaten Cheerios* Kill Marcus!

Rock: …Your wish has been granted!

Marcus: Finally! *Suddenly, a warp sucks him to someplace nobody would find him*

Angry Mob: What a gyp! *Buys more Cheerios*

[spoiler=Chapter VI: Marcus on the Dread Isle]

Narrator: Marcus' wish took him to the Dread Isle.

Sparky: Dude, that was boring. Be more enthusiastic!

Narrator: …Fine. Marcus' wish took him to the Dread Isle!

Sparky: Much better.

Marcus: *Is in front of the Dragon's Gate* Well, I guess no one can find me here! I'll just grow my own crops and hunt wild animals for the rest of my life!

Old Marcus: What in gleeber-dabber just happened?!

Marcus: Huh? Why are you here?

Rock: *Is there for no reason* Because you wished for yourself to be here, and since he technically is you, he came as well!

Marcus: Whoa! That's the third rock to talk to me!

Old Marcus; son, are you delusional?

Marcus: I am not your son! You are me!

Old Marcus: But you are not me!

Marcus: Yes, I- never mind! I am your son! Are you happy?

Old Marcus: Son, it's time we had a talk about the birds and the bees…

Marcus: O_O

Rock: Could you talk someplace else? I'm trying to sleep!

Marcus: *Throws rock somewhere far away*

Old Marcus: Son, there's a time when you get older that…

Marcus: I'm not a kid! I'm in my forties!

Old Marcus: Son, I told you not to lie about your age!

Marcus: Okay, just leave me alone! Go somewhere! *Runs into the Dragon's Gate castle*

Old Marcus: My son doesn't love me anymore…

Marcus: *In the Dragon's Gate castle* I have to hide from him! *Hides behind random pillar*

Canas: *Is tied to a chair, gagged and bound, and sees Marcus* MMPH!

Renault: *Suddenly walks into room* Ah, he's awake! Nino, Pent! Come to me!

Pent: *Appears* Yes, master. Your will is my command.

Nino: *Appears* Of course, master…

Renault: Stupid child, address me with confidence!

Nino: Yes, master!

Renault: Much better. I say… Ever since Pent told me of how you hesitated to do my will when kidnapping Canas, I have begun to lose faith in you as a subordinate!

Nino: I will be better next time, master!

Renault: …Good. Now I will say my evil plan really loudly so that anybody in here can hear for no apparent reason! Bwahaha!

Pent: Master, what if a spy is listening behind that pillar? *Points to pillar Marcus is hiding behind*

Renault: What? No spies hide behind pillars! You have to be a stupid, idiotic, moronic loser to hide behind that pillar! No, I am a hundred percent sure no spies are behind that pillar!

Pent: As you say, master!

Renault: Very nice. Nino, you should be more like Pent!

Nino: But I'm better than Pent!

Rock: Ooh, you just got BURNZORED!

Pent: Burnzored…? And since when can rocks talk?

Rock: Shazaam!

Renault: Stupid rocks, always tampering with other's affairs! *Hits rock with magic staff*

Rock: *Isn't hurt at all*

Renault: Luce!

Rock: *Is hit by Luce, but still isn't hurt*

Renault: Nino, get rid of that stupid rock!

Nino: As you wish… *Casts Fire on rock, and it explodes into pieces*

Renault: As I was saying, my evil plan that I'm telling you for no reason very loudly so that everybody can hear is to- Huh?

Canas: MMPH!

Renault: What?

Canas: MMPH!

Renault: I cast Silence! *Casts Silence, but misses even though Canas can't move*

Canas: MMPH!

Renault: Curses, the staff must be defective!

Nino: Actually, I think the problem is with your Skill-

Renault: Silence! I have better things to do than this! I have a world to take over! The populace will bow to me! I don't have to put up with you! Pent!

Pent: Yes, master?

Renault: Prepare to take Canas to Bern. I've finished what I needed to do here! We leave tomorrow!

Pent: Yes, master.

Renault: And Nino, fix me some coffee! I'm caffeine-deprived!

Nino: Uh, yes, master.

Renault: *Grumbles to himself*

Marcus: *Still behind pillar* (Take over the world? I have to do something! But what…?)

Edited by Klokinator

Share this post

Link to post
Share on other sites

[spoiler=Chapter VII: The Same Jokes Never Get Old!]

Eliwood: *Giving another speech* Marcus, the killer of Canas, has evaded us once again!

Angry Mob: NO! Must kill Marcus!

Eliwood: But I have good news!

Angry Mob: What?

Eliwood: I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching to Geico!

Angry Mob: BOO! *Throws stuff at Eliwood*

Harken: That was a really overused joke.

Isadora the Explorer: Can you see the flashing nuclear warhead?


Angry Mob: *Runs around in circles*

Harken: *Turns to Isadora the Explorer* Where’s the warhead?! Where is it?!

Isadora the Explorer: …

Harken: WHERE IS IT?!

Isadora the Explorer: …

Lowen: *Suddenly walks into room with a Boo Radley T-shirt on* Hey, what’s up?


Lowen: WHAT?! *Runs in circles*

Isadora the Explorer: Correct! The flashing nuclear warhead is under the floorboards!

Harken: AACK! *Starts uprooting the floorboards frantically*

Lowen: Harken’s right! We have to build a bomb shelter! *Starts uprooting floorboards*

Angry Mob: Bomb shelter! *Starts uprooting floorboards*

Eliwood: You know what? Cake tastes good.

Isadora the Explorer: Let’s count in Spanish! Cinco…

Harken: CINCO?

Isadora the Explorer: Quatro…

Lowen: QUATRO?

Isadora the Explorer: Tres…

Angry Mob: TRES?

Isadora the Explorer: Dos…

Eliwood: Milk tastes good with cake!

Isadora the Explorer: Uno!

Harken: Uh… Nothing happened…

Isadora the Explorer: Do you know when the bomb will explode?

Harken: When?

Isadora the Explorer: In one minute!

Harken: O_O *Starts uprooting more floorboards*

Lowen: Uh… It was nice knowing you! *Runs*

Angry Mob: *Also runs*

Eliwood: Hey look, a rock!

Harken: Maybe it’s a magic rock!

Rock: actually, I’m just a normal rock! But I can connect you to the magic rock hotline!

Harken: Yeah, do that!

Rock: Please hold. *Starts singing wait music* We all live in a yellow sub sandwich, yellow sub sandwich…

Harken: HURRY UP!

Rock: Welcome to the magic rock hotline! May I take your order?

Harken: Uh… I’d like a Double-Double, with no ketchup…

Rock: No, you moron, make a wish!

Eliwood: I wish for a pony!

Rock: Here you go!

Eliwood: Yeah! *Jumps on pony*

Harken: What about the bomb?

Isadora the Explorer: Just kidding! There is no bomb!

Harken: T_T

Isadora the Explorer: That’s it for today’s show! Tune in next time for SUBLIMINALMINDMESSAGEOFTHEDAYBUYCHEERIOS Isadora the Explorer!

Eliwood: Cheerios!

[spoiler=Chapter VIII: How Many People Will this Chapter Tick Off?]

Marcus: *Is still hiding behind random pillars, watching Pent guard Canas… Alone… With his back turned… With no magic tome… And no armor…* (Hey, no fair! He could have a concealed Knife!) *…And no concealed Knife…*

Pent: *Practicing his beat box skills* Boom boom kish!

Marcus: (I need a perfect opportunity to strike!)

Pent: Good thing nobody’s here right now, because this would be the perfect opportunity to strike!

Marcus: (Uh… I need him to be distracted!)

Pent: Hey, look, Isadora the Explorer’s on the television! *Watches Isadora the Explorer* Mmmm… Cheerios…

Marcus: (I need it to be dark!)

Pent: Man, it sure is dark out tonight! I can’t see three feet in front of me!

Marcus: (Uh… I need a better weapon!)

Pent: Hey, I think I left that spare Rex Hasta behind that random pillar that I’m sure nobody is hiding behind! *Points to pillar that Marcus is hiding behind*

Marcus: (Uh… I need… Uh… I need him to be asleep!)

Pent: Zzzzz…

Marcus: (Uh, I need him to… Err, I don’t know. I guess I’ll attack now!) *Runs up to a sleeping, defenseless Pent and attacks with the Rex Hasta*

Pent: *Wakes up* Huh? Was that a raindrop? No, it can’t be… I’m indoors!

Marcus: (Oh, crud, my position’s been given away!)

Pent: Well, I guess I’ll go back to sleep! Zzzzzz… *Goes to sleep without noticing Marcus*

Marcus: (Wow, he can go to sleep at the drop of a hat!) *Hides behind pillars again*

Nino: *Magically appears next to Pent* Wakey wakey, sleepyhead!

Pent: Huh? What? Whozat?

Nino: It’s time to go to Bern!



Weird Random People: HUHZORS?

Nino: We’re going to sail there on Renault’s ship, the S.S. I’m-Really-Bad-At-Everything-Except-Supports!

Pent: Yeah!

Canas: MMPH!

Marcus: (Maybe I should follow them…)

Nino: Renault’s already there! All we need to do is take Canas and go!

Pent: *Takes Canas and goes*

Nino: Hey, wait for me!

Marcus: *Secretly follows in a cardboard box* Maybe I’m a good Solid Snake!

Leukos: You’re not good at anything.

General Banzai: He’s a good meat shield.

Leukos: Actually, I never said you weren’t good at anything. That’s why I’m changing the name to the “Who-Gives-A-Bleep-About-Marcus Information Thread!” Except I can’t edit, so it’s still the Anti-Marcus Thread!

The Real Leukos: *Is angry*

Marcus: AAA! Who are these voices in my head?!

Nino: Hey, Pent, do you realize that there’s this cardboard box following us?

Pent: Yeah, I do! This is weird because cardboard hasn’t been invented yet!

Harken: *Randomly appears* Apparently, nuclear warheads haven’t been invented yet either… *Randomly unappears*

Pent: Oh, well, I’ll bet you that it’s just the wind pushing us in the exact same direction that we’re walking!

Nino: Uh, the wind’s blowing the other way…

Pent: Oh.

Marcus: (Ha! They can’t see through my disguise!)

Nino: You know what, I like destroying cardboard boxes!

Marcus: Uh, oh…

Nino: *Casts Excalibur*

Marcus: *Flies through the air* Looks like Team Marcus is blasting off agaaaaaaaaaain! *Lands on Renault’s boat*

Pent: How come I don’t get an Excalibur tome?

Nino: Here, you can take one from Sacred Stones! *Gives pent Sacred Stones Excalibur*

Narrator: Meanwhile, on Magvel…

Eirika: Only one more hit to kill the Demon King! Lute, use Excalibur!

Lute: Actually, it’s not here…

W34v3r: You took my joke! *Sends lawyers at General Banzai*

General Banzai: *Runs away from lawyers* Uh, that’s it for this chapter! Bye! *Runs away*

[spoiler=Chapter IX: Marcus Sets Sail]

Pent: *Walks on to the S.S. I’m-Really-Bad-At-Everything-Except-Supports with Nino and Canas* Hello, my lord.

Renault: Bah, humbug!

Ebenezer Scrooge: Copyright infringement! *Sues Renault for every penny he’s worth*

Renault: …Darn.

Narrator: Meanwhile, hiding below the deck is…

Marcus: Doo dee doo dee doo…

Old Marcus: *Magically Appears* Hey, what’s up, son?

Marcus: huh? What? How the heck did you get here?

Old Marcus: I used the magic rock hotline!


Marcus: …I see…


Marcus: Augh! More voices inside my head!

Old Marcus: Bah, humbug!

Ebenezer Scrooge: Copyright infringement! *Sues Old Marcus for every penny he’s worth*

Narrator: Back on the deck…

Pent: Let’s go, cap’n!

Nino: Aye, aye!

Renault: Yarg, scurvy sea dogs!

Magical Talking Ship: Yarg, I hate these stupid landlubbers…

Pent: Boom boom kish, boom boom kish…

Nino: *Suddenly wearing bling* Yo yo yo, I love sailin, cuz I’m failin’, and t3h n00bs are pwning, and I’m owning!

Pent: Boom boom kish!

Renault: O_o

Magical Talking Ship: Yarg, that be weird…

Narrator: So the ship sailed. And sailed. And then it sailed some more. Then a giant sea monster swallowed it and Marcus had to navigate through it’s innards like in every Final Fantasy game!

Final Fantasy Fans: That’s not true!

Marcus: Wait, so I’m in the stomach of a giant sea monster?! T3h pwnage!

Old Marcus: Son, I do not approve of that kind of language!

Renault: Hey, why am I suddenly in the stomach of a Leviathan?

Nino: Don’t you remember? The giant monster appeared, then you screamed really loudly and hid under your “blankie”, and then…

Renault: Silence!

Pent: How are we going to get out of here?

Canas: MMPH! *Sees a door marked “exit”*

Pent: I know! We… *Explains really complicated way to shut down he monster’s organs, then crawl out through the mouth*

Canas: MMPH! MMPH!

Renault: Silence! *Casts Silence on Canas, but misses… again*

Marcus: Hey, Old Marcus, let’s follow those guys! They look like they have a plan! *Points to Renault and them*

Old Marcus: Why don’t we just leave through the door marked “exit”?

Marcus: …Err, because their way’s probably easier. Let’s go!

Narrator: Will Marcus and the rest escape the sea monster? Tune in next time for SUBLIMINALMINDMESSAGEOFTHEDAYBUYMOREHEERIOS Marcus and Old Marcus!

Isadora the Explorer: Hey! Copyright infringement! *Sues the Narrator for every penny he’s worth*

Narrator: Bah, humbug!

Ebenezer Scrooge: Copyright infringement! *Sues the Narrator for every penny he’s worth*

Narrator: Let’s end this before I get sued again!

[spoiler=Chapter X: Leviathan!]

Narrator: In the realm of Mac, King of N00bs…

Servant: King Mac! Our spies have deduced that Marcus is in trouble!

King Mac: Oh noes Mecus!

Servant: What are your orders?

King Mac: Feir Meblem suxxors! Saev Mecus!

Servant: Uh…

King Mac: The Warrio ugy killed Mrcas!

Servant: Whatever…

Narrator: Back in the sea monster’s innards…

Canas: MMPH!

Renault: Silence! *Casts Silence again but misses… again*

Random Voice: A Silence broke!

Renault: Good for nothing… *Throws broken Silence* Pent, where are we?

Pent: According to my calculations, we are in the Small Intestine!

Nino: Ew…

Renault: Hey, did you ever notice that there are two Paladins following us?

Pent: Watch out for that boulder!

Nino: That’s not a boulder, it’s a… *Hits “boulder” with Fire* Well, you know…

Renault: No, we don’t know!

Nino: Well, it’s, a, well, number two…

Renault: O_o

Pent: Boom boom kish!

Renault: Must you always beat box?

Pent: Farizzle!

Renault: Why did I ever hire you guys?

Canas: MMPH!

Narrator: Outside of the leviathan, however, is…

King Mac: *In helicopter* mecus wlil be savd!

Servant: Uh, we have a lock on the leviathan. What are your orders?

King Mac: Sasve Mecus!

Leviathan: *Shoots plasma beam at helicopter*

Helicopter: *Explodes*

King Mac: oh noes Mecus! *Falls into the ocean*

Narrator: Back to Marcus…

Marcus: Hey, where did Renault and them go?

Old Marcus: Son, it’s okay to be scared…

Marcus: Shut up!

Damian: Howdy, partner!

Marcus: Hey, where’d you come from?

Damian: I believe this can all be answered by a simple flashback!

Marcus: Wait, what’s your name?


Narrator: Chapter 16x: The Port of Badon…

Eliwood: Well, this chapter will be easy!

Damian: You are about to die. Scream if you must. *Kills Eliwood with a Killing edge*

Tactician: Restart the chapter!

Narrator: Chapter 16x: The Port of Badon…

Eliwood: Well, this chapter will be easy!

Damian: You are about to die. Scream if you must. *Kills Eliwood with a Killing Edge*

Tactician: Restart it again!

Narrator: Chapter 16x: the Port of Badon…

Eliwood: Well, this chapter will be easy!

Damian: You are about to die. Scream if you must. *Kills Eliwood with a Killing Edge*

Tactician: Eliwood, stop dying! Restart the chapter!

Narrator: Chapter 16x: The Port of Badon…

Eliwood: Maybe this chapter won’t be easy… *Recruits Canas*

Canas: Hey, I’m on your team now!

Damian: You are about to die. Scream if you…

Canas: Silence, foolish mortal! *Hits Damian with Gespenst*

Xemnas: Hey, I stole Gespenst!

General Banzai: No, you stole Gespent.

Xemnas: What’s the difference?

General Banzai: You spelled it wrong.

Xemnas: WHAT?

General Banzai: I’m not quite sure what you stole, but it’s not a powerful dark magic tome!

Gespent: Hey look, it’s me, Gespent the magical sea monkey!

Xemnas: O_o

Damian: *Is sent flying into the ocean by Gespenst*

Leviathan: *Eats Damian*


Damian: So that’s how I got here!

Marcus: Uh, huh…

Damian: Hey, let’s get out of this joint!

Old Marcus: But where’s the exit?

Damian: Through this door marked exit!

Marcus: Wow, that was obvious!

Narrator: As Marcus, Old Marcus, and Damian all leave through the exit, Renault, Pent, Nino, and Canas find another way…

Nino: Which way is this?

Pent: The rear exit.

Renault: WHAT?!

Canas: MMPH!

Narrator: I don’t really need to say what happened next…

Nino: This is so gross…

[spoiler=Chapter XI: Cameos!]

Narrator: Marcus, Old Marcus, and their new friend Damian are all in a raft, sailing back to Pherae!

Sparky: I really like the enthusiasm!

Narrator: Thanks! Oh, and Renault, Canas, and Renault’s flunkies are also in a raft!

Canas: MMPH!

Renault: Where’s a Silence Staff when you need one?

Nino: You wouldn’t hit him anyways…

Canas: *Sees a giant shark coming at the raft* MMPH!

Renault: Be quiet!

Pent: Wait! Listen! *Jaws music begins playing*

Renault: What?

Pent: That music is eerily familiar…

Canas: MMPH!

Renault: Shut up! *Casts Luce, but it does no damage* Defective tome!

Giant Shark: Rawr.

Sparky: Show more enthusiasm!

Giant Shark: Rawr!

Sparky: Much better!

Renault: Ack! It’s a giant shark! *Casts Luce, but does no damage* Defective tome!

Giant Shark: *Takes off costume to reveal…*

Xemnas: Hello!

Gespent the Magical Sea Monkey: Wazzup?

Nino: Well, that was lame…

Narrator: Back to the Marcuses and Damian…

Marcus: I wonder what’s going to happen next!

King Mac: *Jumps out of water onto raft* I LUV YUO MECUS!

Marcus: O_o

Old Marcus: What the heck is “Mecus?”

King Mac: Wat R U dong to ym thred?

Candyman Den: LOL.

Marcus: Wow, it’s cameo after cameo after cameo! Who will be next?

Leukos: I hate you Marcus!

Damian: Uh… Where are these people coming from?

Luekos: From Atlantis!

Kenshin: How come I don’t get a cameo?

General Banzai: You just did.

Kenshin: Yay!

Narrator: Okay, this is going nowhere fast… So, both groups magically made it to Pherae!

Marcus: Ah, Pherae… I’m glad to be home!

Angry Mob: It’s Marcus! Get him!

Marcus: I also just remembered why I hate this place! *Runs away*

Damian: Angry mobs! Cool! *Joins Angry Mob*

Old Marcus: Back in my day, there weren’t any angry mobs!

Marcus: This is your day!

Old Marcus: …Oh.

Narrator: Meanwhile…

Renault: It’s off to Bern!

Canas: MMPH!

Renault: What?

Marcus: *Runs by* AAAAAAAA!

Renault: Was that it?

Canas: MMPH!

Angry Mob: *Runs by and tramples Renault*

Renault: Ow, that hurt…

[spoiler=Chapter XII: All Your Base Are Belong To Us!]

Narrator: We join our hero as he is evading the gaggle of furious rioters…

Bartre: Nng! Big words make my head hurt!

Narrator: Oh, sorry Bartre, I forgot you were allergic to words of high vocabulary!

Bartre: Not nice!

Narrator: Anyways…

Bartre: Stop with the big words!

Narrator: But…

Bartre: I told you, stop saying big words!

Narrator: I…

Bartre: AAAGH! *Explodes and magically reforms* There. I’m better now!

Narrator: Great. Anyways, back to Marcus!

Marcus: *Is running*

Angry Mob: *Is also running*

Marcus: Maybe if I jump off of a cliff, I’ll lose them!

Old Marcus: That’s one of your better ideas, son!

Marcus: I told you! I’m not your son!

Old Marcus: Sparky, I need a flashback!

Sparky: Would you like me to super size that, too?

Old Marcus: Just give me the dang flashback!


Marcus: Yes, I- never mind! I am your son! Are you happy?


Marcus: …Oh.

Old Marcus: Now jump off of a cliff, son!

Marcus: Okay! *Jumps off of a cliff*

Old Marcus: Yes, I got rid of him!

Marcus: *Is hitting every rock and sharp object as he falls down cliff* Ooh! Ugh! Oof! Owie! *Lands in a puddle of mud*

Marcus’ Horse: *Is right next to Marcus* How the heck did he find me here? *Runs*

Marcus: *Gets up* Ow, that hurt…

Lucius: Duck!

Marcus: Where? *Looks into sky and is hit by a dirt clod* Ow!

Lucius: Welcome to… the swamp!

Marcus: Huh? *Is hit by another dirt clod* Who keeps throwing those?

Karel: *Magically appears* All your base, all your base, all your base!

Lucius: Nerd boy! Duck!

Marcus: Where? *Looks into the sky and is hit by another dirt clod*

Karel: All your base are belong to us!

Lucius: No! You have foiled me once again, Karel!

Karel: All your base, all your base, all your base are belong to us! *Begins dancing*

Lucius: Nerd boy, duck!

Marcus: Where? *Looks into the sky and is hit by another dirt clod*

Karel: *Begins making weird techno noises* All your base, all your base, all your base is belong to us!

Marcus: Hey, it’s that song!

Karel: No duh! *Makes the loser sign*

Marcus: Who are you, someone with high growth rates? You can’t beat me!

Karel: *Giggles like a little girl* You’re silly!

Lucius: Now I strike! *Hits Karel with a barrage of dirt clods* HA! HOW DO YOU LIKE THEM APPLES?

Karel: *Takes bite out of apple* I like them very much, thank you!

Lucius: Foiled again!

Karel: Hey, nerd boy with the bad growth rates! Duck!

Marcus: Ha, I’m not falling for that again! *Is attacked by a flock of ducks*

Karel: Maybe you should of listened to me!

Marcus: AAA! Get these ducks off of me!!!! *Runs around in circles as the ducks attack him*

Scriptwriter for the SciFi Channel: I can picture the title now… DUCKS: The Revenge!

Producer for the SciFi Channel: Wow, that’s our best idea since Raptor Island!

Lucius: What you need is… Duck-B-Gone!

Marcus: What?

Lucius: Cheap, efficient Duck-B-Gone gets rid of even the nastiest duck infestations!

Marcus: Okay, give me some of that!

Lucius: *Sprays Duck-B-Gone in Marcus’ eyes* HA! HOW DO YOU LIKE THEM APPLES?

Karel: I actually prefer oranges…

Lucius: I think tangerines have more flavor…

Marcus: Hello? I’m in the mud, being attacked by ducks, with a powerful chemical in my eyes!

Karel: Now that you mention it, plums are tasty as well…

Lucius: Agreed!

Narrator: Will Marcus escape the ducks? Find out next time on… MAOM!

Sparky: Wow, you can actually pronounce MAOM?

Narrator: Of course not!

[spoiler=Chapter XIII: Renault Explains How to Kill a Mockingbird]

Narrator: While Marcus was being eaten alive by villainous ducks, it would be pretty easy to think that Renault and his flunkies would have no distractions as they took Canas to Bern. Well, you thought wrong!

Pent: Remember! It is a sin to kill a mockingbird!

Renault: Who are you, my conscious or something?

Renault’s Conscious: Kill the mockingbird! Kill it!

Renault: …Nevermind.

Narrator: Let’s go back a few hours, just after Renault was trampled by the Angry Mob.

Renault: Ow! I just got trampled by an Angry Mob!

Nino: Well, duh.

Canas: MMPH!

Renault: Well, let’s go to Bern now.

Pent: Agreed!

Canas: MMPH!

Renault: What now?

Canas: MMPH!

Renault: …Whatever. Let’s go-AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!! *Is seized in the talons of a giant mockingbird*

Pent: Master!

Nino: *On cell phone* Hey, Jaffar! How’s everything going at home?

Jaffar: ……………...I got Berserked again……………………

Nino: That’s wonderful!


Giant Mockingbird: G’day, mate! What be yer’ name?

Renault: Let go of me, you crazed beast!

Giant Mockingbird: Letgoofmeyoucrazedbeast? I’ve never heard that name before…

Pent: *Casts Excalibur* Die! Stupid mockingbird that is irregularly large!

Giant Mockingbird: *Is hit by Excalibur* Oof! *Drops Renault*

Renault: I’m free! Wait, I’m a hundred feet in the air! AAAAAAAAAAA!!!

Nino: *Still on cell phone* So then, I was all like “What-evah!” and she was all like “What-evah!” and…

Renault: *Falls on top of Nino*

Nino: Get off of me, you crazed beast!

Pascal: actually, I’m the crazed beast!

Pent: *Whistles innocently* I’m not a part of this…

Canas: MMPH!

Renault: What now?

Giant Mockingbird: *Eats Renault*

Renault: *In stomach* Not again!

Pent: Don’t worry, I will save you! *Casts Excalibur again*

Giant Mockingbird: *Is hit by Excalibur* Oof! *Regurgitates Renault*

Renault: I’m free! Wait, I’m a hundred feet in the air! AAAAAAAAAAAA!!!

Pent: Whoa, déjà vu…

Nino: *Still on cell phone* And would you believe it? He landed right on top of me!

Renault: *Lands on Nino… again*

Nino: Hey! My cell phone is ruined!

Pent: Shut up! The mockingbird’s coming back!

Giant Mockingbird: *Is coming back*

Renault: I summon Bahamut!

Kent: Twice in one fic? BOO!

Boo Radley: ……………………………………………

Kent: No, not you! I was… Nevermind. Let’s get out of here.

Renault: Uh… I summon Baigan!

Baigan: I’m already in FEUV.

Renault: Fudge monkeys! I summon… *Is hit in the head with a laser beam thingy but is still alive because I need him in more of the story*

Giant Mockingbird: This is Mockingbird X-7 niner, reporting in. Target is locked and I am ready to fire!

Renault: I summon Neo!

Neo: Did you ever notice that my name rearranged is “one?” I bet you didn’t! *Is killed by Giant Mockingbird’s lasers*

Pent: Could this chapter get any more randomer? Is that even a word?

Ninjas: We are ninjas!

Pirates: We are pirates!

Caboose: Hello, Sheila, big tank lady!

Angry Readers: Get out of this fic!

Ninjas: Fine! *Leave*

Pirates: Fine! *Leave*

Caboose: Hello, Sheila, big tank lady! *Doesn’t leave*

Pent: *Pulls out rocket launcher and blows up Caboose* Die!

Caboose: Hello, Sheila, big tank lady!

Pent: ERG!

Erk: Erk?

Pent: NO, ERG!

Erk: Oh.

Pent: Die, foolish Microsoft parody fanshow character! *Shoots Caboose a few more times*

Caboose: Hello, Sheila, big tank lady!

Pent: *Explodes and magically reforms* That’s it! You win!

Caboose: Hello, Sheila, big tank lady! *Leaves*

Pent: Finally!

Renault: Yes! I will now kill this mockingbird!

Pent: Remember! It is a sin to kill a mockingbird!

Renault: Who are you, my conscious or something?

Renault’s Conscious: Kill the mockingbird! Kill it!

Renault: …Nevermind.

Nino: *Still on cell phone* What-EVAH!

Renault: *Kills mockingbird*

Pent: Now can we leave?

Renault: Sure.

Narrator: And that's it for this chapter!

[spoiler=Chapter XIV: A Really Long Chapter! - The Matrix]

Narrator: We go back to Marcus, who is randomly doing stuff in the swamp with Lucius and Karel!

Marcus: Yeah! Stuff!

Lucius: You’re our best friend, Marcus!

Karel: *Whispering to Lucius* So when can we kill him and feast on his insides?

Lucius: *Whispering back* Soon, my friend, very soon…

Marcus: Let’s go in those woods that are really dark and if someone was to get murdered no one will ever find the body!

Lucius: Great idea!

Marcus: Yeah! *Runs into the woods*

Karel: Stupid fool. He will die soon enough.

Lucius: Yes, and then our master Renault will have no distractions on his plot to conquer the world! *Laughs maniacally*

Karel: *Also laughs maniacally, then hits Lucius with a dirt clod*

Narrator: Meanwhile, Old Marcus was also randomly doing stuff as well!

Old Marcus: *Plays with some Barbie dolls*

Gespent the Magical Sea Monkey: Hello, friend! Would you be interested in purchasing one of our excellent vacuum cleaners?

Old Marcus: Okay!

Xemnas: That will be one hundred bucks!

Old Marcus: Robo-Gates isn’t wearing an Organization XIII cloak.


Gespent the Magical Sea Monkey: Quick! Use the Mine glitch to get uber-spear Oswin!

Xemnas: *Throws Mine on the ground*

Random Enemy: *Steps on Mine*

Xemnas: *Turns off Gameboy, then turns it on*

Vaida: *Gives Merlinus the uber spear*

Merlinus: *Gives Oswin the uber spear*

Oswin: *Turns into uber spear Oswin, with a lot of cheesy special effects and background music*

Xemnas: Prepare to be pwnzored!

Old Marcus: Back in my day, there was no uber spear Oswin!

Xemnas: This is your day, moron! Isn’t that right, Gespent?

Gespent: *Is watching Isadora the Explorer on TV* Cheerios…

Uber Spear Oswin: Cheerios…

Xemnas: Stupid brainwashing children’s shows! Old Marcus, you may have won this time, but I will get you one day! *Vanishes, along with Gespent and Uber Spear Oswin*

Old Marcus: Heheh… It works every time…

Narrator: That was… weird… Well, let’s go back to Marcus!

Marcus: *Is in woods* Hi!

Lucius: Hey Marcus, you wanna play Simon Says?

Marcus: Okay!

Lucius: Simon says pat your head!

Simon: I never said that!

Lucius: Shut up!

Marcus: *Pats his head*

Lucius: Simon says rub your tummy!

Simon: I’m gonna sue you!

Marcus: *Rubs his tummy*

Lucius: Simon says stab yourself with your lance!

Simon: That’s it! You are officially sued!

Narrator: Suddenly, the trees shrink into the ground and a courtroom forms around them, with Lucius in the defendant’s chair and Simon in the other guy’s chair. Of course, Boies is the judge!

Boies: Geheheh! It’s time for Law and Order: Creepy Forest Edition!

Simon: I am suing the defendant for making lies about me!

Lucius: I deserve a lawyer!

Boies: I am your lawyer!

Lucius: Say what?

Boies: You obviously have not read FEUV Chapter 13!

Lucius: No, not really…


Lucius: Hey, I’m a guy!

Guy: *Magically appears* No, I’m Guy!

Lucius: Fine, I’ll read it! *Reads it*

Boies: Now you know that I’m the judge, jury, lawyer, and executioner!

Lucius: It also says that you died.

Boies: Curses! Foiled again! *Vanishes*

Simon: Wait, who’s going to be the judge then?

Damian: I am!

Simon: And who’s in the jury?

Damian: Some random people!

Random People: Yay!

Lucius: I still don’t have a lawyer!

Marcus: I’ll be your lawyer!

Lucius: Are you good?

Marcus: Uh… yeah, I’m really good.

Simon: I accuse you of creating lies about me!

Marcus: Actually, I’m going to have to agree that you did, Lucius.

Lucius: Hey!

Damian: *Is busy slaughtering Eliwood with the Killing Edge* Um, I call a recess…

Elementary School Kids: Yay! *Play on the jungle gym*

Mean Lawyer People: These jungle gyms are dangerous! *Take jungle gyms away*

Elementary School Kids: So what can we play with?

Mean Lawyer People: Matches! *Give matches to Elementary School Kids*

Elementary School Kids: *Burn stuff*

Damian: Uh, recess is over… DIE ELIWOOD DIE! …Sorry about that.

Simon: I call my first witness! Rock, come up to the stage!


Simon: Rock, is it true that you heard Lucius say “Simon says pat your head?”


Simon: No, seriously.


Simon: Please cooperate.


Simon: Stupid rock! *Hits rock*

Rock: *Explodes for no reason*

Simon: I call my second witness to the stand! Gespent the Magical Sea Monkey!

Gespent the Magical Sea Monkey: Howdy, partner!

Simon: Did you hear the defendant say “Simon says pat your head?”

Gespent the Magical Sea Monkey: Would you like to buy a vacuum?

Simon: NO!

Gespent the Magical Sea Monkey: Bargain prices, you can’t let this one pass you by!

Simon: I call my third witness to the stand, Nergal!

Nergal: *Is dead*

Simon: …I rest my case.

Damian: Okay, now the defendant will… DIE ELIWOOD!

Lucius: *Dyes Eliwood green*

Damian: Uh, what are your witnesses?

Marcus: I call Green Day to the stand!

Green Day: Yeah, emo punk bands are cool!

Marcus: Yeah! Okay, I call my second witness to the stand! James Buchanan!

James Buchanan: Hi!

Marcus: So what’s it like being the only bachelor president?

James Buchanan: Hey, I’m dead too!

Marcus: Oh, yeah… Okay, I rest my case.

Lucius: HUH?

Damian: The jury will now… SLASH AND HACK ELIWOOD INTO PIECES!

Eliwood: Uh, oh… *Runs*

Jury: *Runs after Eliwood*

Damian: Uh oh, it seems that the jury will take a while to decide on a… SHRED ELIWOOD!

Simon: Oh, come on, Lucius is guilty!

Lucius: No, I’m not!

Simon: Well, there is only one way to settle this… Matrix style battle!

Lucius: *Is in black coat with sunglasses* Do you want the red pill or the blue pill?

Simon: *Is also in black coat and sunglasses* You are the one.

Lucius: Prepare to be killed!

Share this post

Link to post
Share on other sites

[spoiler=Chapter XV: Where's Waldo-er, Karel?]

Narrator: Just a recap of last chapter? It turns out that Lucius and Karel are working for Renault and secretly try to kill Marcus but the enigmatic Simon sues Lucius into oblivion. Meanwhile, Old Marcus thwarts Xemnas' evil plans. Then a bunch of random Matrix stuff happened. Then I asked: Where's Karel? Well, Karel is?

Karel: *Reading giant sign* Welcome to Bern. Population: A lot.

Bern Tourist Guide: Hello, hello, hello! You look like the fun-loving person! Would you like to go on a premium tour of Bern?

Karel: Uh, not real-

Bern Tourist Guide: Okay, that'll be twenty dollars, now please step on the bus and we'll be on our way!

Karel: Wait, I need to meet someone here in an hour! I don't have time for-

Bern Tourist Guide: *Extends his robotic arm to steal Karel's wallet* Thank you! *Uses the robotic arms to hoist Karel onto the bus*

Karel: Hey, there was more than twenty bucks in that wallet!

Bern Tourist Guide: Thank you for your generous donation to the Bern Old People's Society, or BOPS for short. We will send you a commemorative thank you card shortly!

Karel: I want off of this bus! *Looks around* Hey, I'm the only one on here!

Bern Tourist Guide: *Ignores Karel* Now, if you look to your right, you will see the giant mountain, appropriately named Giant Mountain! It is the thirty-second largest mountain in Bern! Please do not take pictures, and thank you for not smoking!

Elementary School Kids: *Are smoking*

Karel: I really don't have time for this?

Bern Tourist Guide: Our next big landmark, Gigantic Mountain (which happens to be the twenty-seventh largest mountain in Bern, just so you know), will not be visible for another two hours, so in the meantime, I will sing you a song! Oh, the wheels on the bus go round and round, round and round, round and round?

Narrator: Details are sketchy, but eyewitnesses claim to have seen a lone body fly out of the driver's side of the bus about two seconds later.

Narrator: Well, Lucius lost the trial, so the police took him off to jail, where he sat around for the rest of his life (cheap way to get rid of a character, but live with it because it's the best thing I've got).

Simon: Yay! I win! What do I get, judge?

Damian: You don't really get anything? KILL ELIWOOD!

Simon: I get to kill Eliwood? That's cheap?

Damian: Fine. You get two all-expense paid tickets to Bern via Pegusus Knight!

Simon: Awesome! I want to go now!

Farina: *Lands her Pegasus on Simon, flattening him* Who's going to Bern?

Marcus: *Picks up tickets that Simon dropped* I will!

Farina: Dang, you're a dweeb, but oh well? Who else is coming?

Harken: *Runs into the courtroom screaming* I am! I AM! Anything to get away from her!

Isadora the Explorer: Go, Harkeniego, go!

Farina: Fine. Get on.

Narrator: So Marcus and Harken got on the Pegasus and they flew to Bern. Whoop-dee-doo*

Farina: Now get off. *Pushes Marcus and Harken off, then flies away*

Harken: I'm free! *Kisses the ground*

Random Person Holding a TV That is Playing Isadora the Explorer: *Walks by*

Isadora the Explorer: Can you count to ten? in Spanish?

Harken: AAAAAAAAAAAAA!!! *Runs away frantically*

Marcus: Wow, I'm in Bern! I wonder what I'm going to do next.

Old Marcus: *Is there* Hi!

Marcus: Wait, how'd you- Oh, yeah, that's right. You are me, so you go where I go? I think.

Narrator: Suddenly, a giant bus drives by and almost runs them over!

Marcus: Wow, that giant bus drove by and almost ran us over!

Old Marcus: What kind of maniac could drive that bad?

Karel: *Driving bus* Gaah! I never got my license!

Karla: *Magically appears* Take a left turn! Go right! RIGHT! Watch out for that Bern Tourist Guide!

Karel: Gaah! My sister is backseat driving!

Karla: Long time no see!

Karel: Get away evil spirits! *Runs bus off cliff*

Karla: Now look what you've done!

Karel: How are we still alive?

Karla: We're still falling, you nitwit!

Karel: Don't you mean Cloaking Burrow-Nit?

Karla: What?

Bus: *Crashes to the ground and explodes*

Karel: Okay, NOW how are we still alive?

Karla: Because I used a mysterious aura to protect us!

Karel: Oh.

Karla: Bye now! *Magically disappears*

Karel: Well, now I have to find Renault.

Renault: *Talking through communicator wristwatch* Where are you, Karel?

Karel: In a bus that just exploded and fell off a cliff.

Renault: That's no excuse! We've been waiting for hours! Do you have the weakest creature on the planet?

Karel: Lucius is supposed to bring him. Is he there?

Renault: No.

Karel: That's weird? Lucius isn't one to miss sacred pagan rituals.

Renault: I agree. Maybe the weakest creature on the planet was too much of a hassle for him. Karel, I now assign you the duty to capture him.

Karel: *Looks out window and sees Marcus* Actually, I have him in my sights right now.

Marcus: Hi!

Karel: *Leaps out of the bus and pushes Marcus into a bag, then runs away with him*

Old Marcus: Well, now that he's gone, it's tea time!

Renault: *Is in a dome shaped building with weird markings all over the walls, with Canas tied to a chair at one end* Well, this is it. My dream is about to come true! Pent, Nino, are the preparations complete?

Pent: Yes, my liege.

Nino: *On cell phone* What-EVAH!

Karel: *Runs in with Marcus* I have the weakest creature on the planet! Now preparations can commence!

Renault: Oh, goody! Dim the lights!

Lights: *Dim*

Renault: I summon the essence of the greatest creature in history, Zealot!

Zealot: *Essence is summoned* Have you brought before me the strongest and the weakest creatures on the planet?

Renault: Yes! The Druid and the Paladin, respectively!

Zealot: Hmm? Yes, the Paladin is the weakest, but the Druid is not the strongest.

Renault: Then who is the strongest?

Zealot: It is? a Sage, and she talks on her cell phone a lot.

Nino: *Is backing away slowly*

Renault: Do we know of anyone like that?

Pent: I can't place a finger on it, but it seems familiar?

Karel: Hmm? I have no idea.

Renault: And what about you, Nino? Nino?

Nino: *Is not there*

Zealot: Yes! Nino is the name! Nino is the strongest creature on the planet! Bring me this Nino immediately. Until then, I have my soap operas to watch! *Vanishes*

Renault: Pent, Karel! We have to capture Nino! To the Renaultmobile!

Pent, Karel, and Renault: *Go to the Renaultmobile and drive away*

Marcus: Hey, what's going on?

Canas: *Is still tied up* MMPH!

[spoiler=Chapter XVI: Jeigans!]

Old Marcus: *Is in his apartment* Hmm, I'm bored? What can I do? Hmm... Wait! I know! I'll throw a Jeigan Party!

Random People: A what?

Old Marcus: It's a party, and only Jeigans are invited!

Random People: Oh!

Old Marcus: Let's see? First, I'll invite Seth! *Picks up phone and calls Seth*

Seth: Huh? Who's stalking me today?

Old Marcus: Hey, Seth, it's me, Old Marcus! Wanna come to my Jeigan Party?

Seth: I'm not a Jeigan!

Old Marcus: Don't be silly! Of course you are!

Seth: But I have good stat growths!

Old Marcus: Oh, that means nothing! Come on!

Titania: *Appears behind Seth* Let's go to the Jeigan Party!

Seth: What the heck? How'd you get in my house? How'd you even get on this continent?

Titania: Silly? Haven't you ever heard of boats?

Creative Team at Intelligent Studios: Oh, boats?.

Seth: But my door is locked!

Titania: That's why I hired Jaffar to pick it!

Jaffar: ????????? *Picks up cell phone* Hello, Nino?

Nino: What-EVAH!

Random Druids: *Cast Berserk on Jaffar*

Jaffar: ???????

Seth: This is strangely familiar?

Jaffar: *Picks up knife* Kill?????...

Seth: Oh, crud?

Old Marcus: Quit your jabberin' and get over here!


Old Marcus: Eh?

Canadian People: Copyright infringement!

Old Marcus: That was weird?

Titania: *Magically appears behind Old Marcus* Howdy!

Old Marcus: Holy snaps! How did you get here so quickly?

Titania: Haven't you ever heard of time warps?

Creative Team at Intelligent Studios: Oh, time warps?

Old Marcus: But where's Seth?

Seth: *Is still in Magvel* Ha! I have superior movement and can run away!

Jaffar: ???????? *Puts on Swiftsole*

Seth: Not cool! *Runs*

Old Marcus: Well, Seth's gone. So you're the only one coming to this party!

Titania: What about Jeigan? I mean, they're not called Jeigans for nothing?

Old Marcus: Yeah, but he wasn't released stateside!

Titania: Neither were you!

Old Marcus: Uh? Loopholes!

Harken: *Runs into building* Yes! I'm safe!

Old Marcus: Hey! You're not a Jeigan!

Harken: Uh? *Gets on a horse and puts on a Seth mask* Yeah I am!

Old Marcus: Hey! Seth's here, Titania!

Titania: Awesome!

Hark-er, Seth: Yeah, I've got bad growth rates? I'm definitely a Jeigan.

Titania: Of course!

Isadora the Explorer: *Walks in* Go, Harkeniego, go!

Harken: *Rips off mask* STALKER!!!!!!! *Runs*

Old Marcus: Whoa? I didn't know Seth could peel his face off like that!

* * *

Renault: *Making Batman music noises* Duh duh dunna nunna? Renaultman!

Pent: Uh, master??

Renault: Karel, you're driving!

Karel: But I can't drive!

Renault: If you can't drive, you can drive better than Pent.

Pent: What's that supposed to mean?

Renault: Just get in the car!

* * *

Marcus: MMPH!

Canas: MMPH!



Zealot: What are you guys doing?

Marcus: MMPH!

Zealot: I can't understand you.

Marcus: MMPH!

Zealot: *Takes off Marcus' bounds* What?

Marcus: I'm free! *Runs*

Zealot: I'm gonna stop you! *Steps in front of Marcus*

Marcus: *Runs through Zealot*

Zealot: Well, that sucks.

Narrator: It's time for? Unnecessary questions! Will Harken ever escape the clutches of Isadora the Explorer? Will Seth escape Jaffar? Why doesn't Renault just drive the car? Who the heck is Zealot? Find out on the next episode of MAOM!

Sparky: I wish I could pronounce MAOM?

[spoiler=Chapter XVII: Grand Theft Auto: Bern Edition]

Narrator: While Marcus has escaped, our villains seem to be having a problem?

Renault: Just drive the Censored*** car, Karel!

Karel: What the heck? What was with all those asterisks?

Renault: It's a Censored*** censor!

Karel: CensoredCensoredCensored***

Pent: This is getting off-topic?

Renault: Karel, get in the Renaultmobile and DRIVE!

Pent: Look, I'll drive!

Renault: O_o


Renault: *In passenger seat* Pent, you aren't even on the road anymore!

Pent: *Driving* It's a shortcut!

Cow: Moo! *Is run over*


Pent: Oh, come on, we're in the middle of a field and there's one pole. I'm not gonna-

Pole: *Is run over*

Pent: ?Nevermind.

Renault: What are you doing now?!

Pent: If I go really fast, I might be able to leap that giant ravine!

Renault: That's the Grand Canyon! It's grand for a reason!

Pent: Nonsense! *Flies over edge of cliff*


Karel: ?I'm driving.

Renault: Thank god for flashbacks.

Pent: I think you are being biased against me due to my superior looks and charm!

Renault: Just get in the back seat, Pent.

Pent: *Gets in the back seat reluctantly*

Narrator: And then they were off!

Karel: Wow, I'm starting to feel confident in my driving abilities!

Karla: *Magically appears* MAKE A LEFT TURN!

Karel: Gaah!

Renault: How the heck did you get in here?

Karla: Bad growth rates!

Renault: That made no sense whatsoever.

Karla: Of course not. NOW TURN RIGHT!

Karel: Gaah! *Starts driving on the sidewalk*

Random Pedestrians: AAAA! *Are run over*

Random Police Officer: *Magically appears next to Karel* You have one star!

Karel: Yay! Stars!

Random Police Officer: The bad stars.

Karel: ?Dang.

Renault: How did you get in here?


Karel: Gaah! *Runs into a police car*

Random Police Officer: You have two stars!

Karel: GAAH! *Blows up subway*

Random Police Officer: FOUR STARS! Send in the blockades!

Karel: Gaah! *Jumps out of the Renaultmobile and runs*

Pent: Uh? What's going on?

Police Officers: *Blow up the Renaultmobile*

Renault: NO! My pride and joy!

Pent: Uh? How are we still alive?

Karla: Bad growth rates!

Narrator: We go back to Karel, who is hiding in Big Al's Garage Shop?

Big Al: Youse wanna gun?

Karel: Huh?

Big Al: Take this gun! *Gives Karel Rocket Launcher*

Karel: T3h pwnsome!

Police Officers: *Run in*

Karel: Die, Piece o' ****!

Big Al: You **** ****ing are so **** **** that I'm gonna **** on your ****!

Narrator: After a lot of blowing stuff up, Karel was the only one still standing. Even Big Al had been blown up in the mindless carnage.

Karel: Not Big Al!

Big Al: I hate you, ****!

Karel: Your parting words were so nice?

Big Al: Why thank you! *Dies*

Narrator: Then more police came.

Karel: Ah, dang it.

Police Officer: WASTED!

Karel: What the heck does that mean?

Police Officer: *Shoots Karel*

Karel: Ouch.

Police Officer: You're under arrest!

Narrator: Meanwhile, Renault and Pent were looking for Nino.

Renault: I wonder where Nino is?

Zealot: You have bigger problems. Marcus escaped.

Renault: Uh? Dang. Now we have no one!

Pent: We have each other, though!

Renault: Why must I have the stupidest minions? And they're all gone! Lucius is not here, Nino deserted, and Karel got wasted!

Pent: What about the last one? You know, Mystery Agent X?

Renault: Of course! I will call Mystery Agent X to help us!

Pent: See, I do have good ideas!

Narrator: Well, that wraps up this chapter. But still, questions remain. Where is Marcus? What is the significance of the Jeigan Party? What does 'wasted' mean? Who is Mystery Agent X? Don't ask me, I have no idea!

[spoiler=Chapter XVIII: Owned!]

Xemnas: You got owned!

Narrator: Who, me?

Xemnas: Yes, you!

Narrator: Oh. *Is owned*

Marcus: Oh no! What are we going to do without a Narrator?

Xemnas: Well, me and Gespent can be the Narrators!

Gespent the Magical Sea Monkey: Hello, this is British Radio, take one! I'm Robert Blake and this is my co-host, Sean McRichguy!

Xemnas: My name is? Sean McRichguy??

Gespent the Magical Sea Monkey: Right-o, good chap! Now, let's talk about how absolutely spectacular English TV shows are! Have you ever heard of Doctor Who?

Xemnas: Why do I have a Scottish name if I'm supposed to be English?

Gespent the Magical Sea Monkey: It's a great show. There's this awesome Doctor, and then a bunch of whiny supporting characters, like Rose and Rose's wimpy boyfriend!

Xemnas: Um? Hi?

Gespent the Magical Sea Monkey: Anyways, the Doctor is killing some evil plastic things when Rose blows up this building and a trash can eats Rose's boyfriend but then he's still alive and the Doctor is a waiter who shoves a cork in the fake Rose's boyfriend's head!

Xemnas: Let's get back to the story, where Renault and Pent are summoning Mystery Agent X-

Gespent the Magical Sea Monkey: Then there's this 'Bad Wolf' thingy and then there's this evil android blowing people up as they play 'The Weakest Link' and 'Big Brother' and then there's these robot things that blow up everything and?


Renault: *Is eating a hamburger with Pent* And did you hear of this great show? It's called Doctor Who!

Pent: Yeah, I think I have heard of it?

Xemnas: Um, you guys are on!

Renault: Bah, it's our break. Go back to Marcus or Old Marcus.

Xemnas: Whatever. Anyways, Marcus was running as fast as he could go, which wasn't very fast.

Marcus: I have to find Harken! He's so much stronger than me, he could destroy those mean people!

Harken: *Is right there* Hi.

Marcus: Uh? Hey, could you destroy the mean people?

Harken: I will? if you do me a favor.

Marcus: What?

Harken: Assassinate Isadora the Explorer.

Marcus: But? I'm too weak!

Lowen: Ha! He admits it!

Marcus: How did you get here?

Lowen: I've always been here, ever since there was that deal with the nuclear explosion! I'm a Survivalist!

Marcus: Uh? Okay. Why can't Lowen assassinate Isadora the Explorer?

Harken: Because Lowen got RNG screwed.

Lowen: It wasn't fair!

Harken: It never is.

Marcus: Okay, I will assassinate Isadora the Explorer for you. Where is she now?

Cell Phone Guy: Can you hear me now?

Marcus: No, I asked 'where is she now.'

Cell Phone Guy: Oh? *Leaves*

Guy: Hey, I'm Guy!

Cell Phone Guy: *Doesn't leave* Yeah, and I'm Cell Phone Guy.

Guy: So you're me with a cell phone?

Cell Phone Guy: No. *Leaves*

Guy: Oh? *Leaves*

Harken: Uh? She will be on the set of Isadora the Explorer in thirty minutes on the Bern production lot.

Marcus: But that's far away! I'll need a horse!

Gespent the Magical Sea Monkey: I'll be your horse! Neigh!

Xemnas: Time for your pills, Gespent? *Drags Gespent away*

Harken: You can use Lowen's Horse.

Lowen's Horse: *Commits suicide*

Lowen: Hey, you killed my horse!

Harken: Uh? You can? Well, uh?

Lowen: I know! Lyon, get over here!

Lyon: *Magically appears* What's up, my brother?

Lowen: Warp Marcus to the Isadora the Explorer studio!

Lyon: Homie, I can't warp someone else, but I've got another way? *Summons Phantom*

Phantom: Aargh! Me hate bad growth rates! *Attacks Lyon*

Lyon: Ack! Marcus has worse growth rates, brother!

Phantom: Aargh! *Attacks Marcus*

Marcus: Holy- *Runs*

Lyon: Yup, that'll take him to the studio, brothers.

Xemnas: So Marcus ran. And ran. And continued to run, until he reached the Bern studio thingy.

Marcus: Yes! I'm here!

Phantom: Aargh!

Fargus: Aargh! You stole my catch phrase! I'll have to sue you, matey!

Phantom: Aargh *Vanishes*

Fargus: That's what I thought! Aargh!

Marcus: Whoa, this place is crawling with creepy characters?

Wil: Sparky, did you get that footage of Fargus and the Phantom?

Sparky: Uh? Sure, boss.

Wil: Hey, It's Marcus! I'm Wil, the Wil from the FEUV dimension!

Marcus: Uh? hi. I'm Marcus, from the, uh, this dimension.

Wil: Hey, I've got a show for you to see! It's called HAAR VS. SAAR: THE REUNION. I want you to be a test audience!

Marcus: Uh? I've actually got a job to do in thirty minutes?

Wil: Thirty! That's the exact length of my show! Come on!

Marcus: Well? okay. *Goes with Wil and Sparky to a dark room with a set. Haar and Saar are sitting there, and Wil sits in between them*

Wil: Hello! Welcome to HAAR VS. SAAR: THE REUNION! I'm your host, the beautiful and talented Wiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiil!

Audience: *Cheers*

Haar: Yawn. When can I demonstrate my eyepatch powers?

Wil: Very soon, Haar. Very soon. But first, Saar. What do you have that makes you think you have an advantage over Haar?

Saar: I'm a General now!

Wil: Well, that might help. Let's check out this long, painful, and unnecessary montage of you getting the crap kicked out of you by Haar!

Sparky: It's montage time! *Plays montage*

Onscreen Saar: Oh yes, this match is mine!

Onscreen Wil: This was episode four of HAAR VS. SAAR. The target was the punk band Green Day.

Onscreen Green Day: We will destroy you with our political nonsense!

Onscreen Saar: This is where I'm better than Haar! I'm music resistant!

Onscreen Haar: You know, this isn't really a montage?

Onscreen Saar: Say what? What does that mean?

Onscreen Haar: Well, Wil will obviously put this into a montage, except it won't really be a montage.

Onscreen Saar: Oh?

Onscreen Green Day: Don't want to be an American Idiot!

Onscreen Saar: I'm music resistant!

Onscreen Haar: But are you eyepatch resistant? *Shoots a beam of the most powerful magic known to man from his eyepatch, destroying Saar and Green Day*

Onscreen Wil: We have a winner!!!

Sparky: And thus the not-really montage ends?

Wil: We all remember that, right? Well, there was the same outcome when the targets were Robo-Gates, Xemnas, Flavor Flave, Tupac, Bill Clinton, Chester Cheetah, the entire Keebler elf clan, Oprah Winfrey, people that spam a lot, The_Candyman_Den, and IHOP!

Saar: But that's all of them!

Wil: Duh! You suck!

Haar: And I rock!

Wil: Well, it's time for the rematch. After months of rigorous training, Saar believes he can finally defeat Haar, but can he? Well, we'll find out, after this commercial break!

Elementary School Kids: *Are ditching school to watch this* Aw, man?

Wil: *To Marcus* Hey, you better be ready to run.

Marcus: Uh? why?

Wil: Just be ready.

Marcus: Okay?

Wil: And we're back! Now, your final target today is? Marcus!

Marcus: Oh, crap?

Haar: My eyepatch powers pwn all! *Destroys everybody with his eyepatch powers*

Xemnas: Marcus, Saar, Wil, and the audience got OWNED!

[spoiler=Chapter XIX: Marcus the Assassin]

Narrator: *Wakes up* Uh? What happened?? Wait, was I owned? Anyways? *Flips through script* Marcus was hired by Harken to assassinate Isadora the Explorer, but was distracted by Wil and was owned by Haar. We join him now.

Marcus: Ow, that hurt?

Haar: Eyepatch powers are not to be trifled with.

Marcus: *Looks at nonexistent watch* Oh, crud, look at the time! I have people to murder! *Runs off*

Wil: Haar, what did I tell you about the responsibilities of your eyepatch?

Narrator: So Marcus looked at the studio directory and saw that the Isadora the Explorer studio wasn't far away, so he slipped in unnoticed.

Isadora the Explorer: *On the stage* Hello, ninos!

Nino: Hello!

Isadora the Explorer: Can you see the red square?

Nino: I can!

Isadora the Explorer: ?

Marcus: *Talking to himself* Hey, what the heck am I going to kill Isadora the Explorer with?

Isadora the Explorer: Can you see the sharp spear?

Marcus: Hmm? Are there any pointy objects lying around?

Isadora the Explorer: Can you see the jagged sword?

Marcus: Come on, Marcus, think!

Isadora the Explorer: Can you see the sniper rifle?

Marcus: Ah ha! I have a spare junior edition pocket knife!

Isadora the Explorer: Go, Harkeniego, go!

Harken: I'm not here! Oh wait, I am here? Uh, bye?

Marcus: I have to wait until the moment is right, and then I strike!

Old Marcus: *Is sitting next to Marcus* Hello, son!

Marcus: How long have you been here?

Old Marcus: Since this morning! Me and Titania came!

Titania: It's a shame the Seth pulled off his skin, or he'd be here too!

Marcus: Uh?

Isadora the Explorer: Now let's introduce our guest star, Marcus' Horse!

Marcus' Horse: Howdy, everybody!

Marcus: Hey, that's my horse!

Marcus' Horse: I thought he wouldn't be here! SECURITY!

Security: *Grabs Marcus and throws him out the door*

Marcus: Ow? Now how am I supposed to assassinate Isadora the Explorer?

Mysterious Figure: Hello, Marcus?

Marcus: Who are you?

Mysterious Figure: I am the Mysterious Figure?

Marcus: What do you want from me?

Mysterious Figure: I want? YOUR SOUL!

Narrator: Now time for a commercial break!

Random Announcer: Do you ever have trouble in court? Do you need a judge that's fair and allows moves from The Matrix? Well, look no further! Who you need is? Damian!

Simon: Oh, yes, he was a great judge. He allows anything! He didn't even do a thing when Agent Smith entered the courtroom!

Random Announcer: There you have it! Damian is the best judge ever!

Narrator: Now back to our feature presentation!

Marcus: My? soul?

Mysterious Figure: Yes, your soul!

Marcus: Well, too bad!

Mysterious Figure: Aw, dang. *Leaves*

Narrator: That's it for this episode of MAOM! Now for a sneak peek at the next episode!

Audience: Yay!

Narrator: *In a macho voice* Marcus is in trouble! Can he assassinate Isadora the Explorer in time? Oh, and a main character is going to die. Forever.

[spoiler=Chapter XX: Crazed Inaudibilities]

Enigmatic Figure: Renault! Come to me!

Renault: *Magically appears* Yes, master?

Enigmatic Figure: Has Zealot granted you the ultimate item?

Renault: Well, uh, no.

Enigmatic Figure: What? Why not.

Renault: Due to some? minor complications. Don't worry, though. I have everything under control.

Enigmatic Figure: You better, or I'll replace you with someone just as qualified.

Renault: Y-yes, master!

Narrator: We go back to Marcus, who is still trying to assassinate Isadora the Explorer?

Marcus: I know! I'll hire an Assassin to assassinate Isadora the Explorer! *Grabs phonebook and phone* Hello, Assassin Hotline?

Legault: Hello and thank you for calling Assassin hotline! How may we assassinate you today?

Marcus: Legault? Is that you? Long time no see!

Legault: Um? Would you care to hire one of our premium Assassins?

Marcus: Can I hire you?

Legault: Well, uh, actually, you can't. I'm only a Thief because SOMEONE lost the Fell Contract!

Marcus: Oh, sorry about that?


Hector: Marcus, DO NOT FORGET to bring the Fell Contract.

Marcus: Okay, I won't forget.

Hector: I repeat, DO NOT FORGET!

Marcus: Okay, I got you!

Eliwood: Come on everybody, let's go!

Marcus: heck yes! *Leaves and forgets Fell Contract*


Legault: Now I am constantly ridiculed by Jaffar, Colm, and Volke! It's all your fault, too!

Marcus: Can I just hire an Assassin?

Legault: Fine. Who do you want?

Marcus: Joshua!

Legault: You moron! No one in their right mind would make Joshua an Assassin!

Marcus: Uh? Okay, I'll have Jaffar.

Legault: *Snickers* Okay, I'm sending Jaffar right now.

Jaffar: *Magically appears next to Marcus*

Marcus: Hi, I need you to assassinate-

Random Druids: *Cast Berserk on Jaffar*

Jaffar: *Is hit by Berserk*

Marcus: Why are you glowing all red like that?

Jaffar: ??????????????.

Marcus: Why are you slowly inching towards me with your knives unsheathed?

Jaffar: ??????????????.

Marcus: Why are those Random Druids laughing so hard?

Jaffar: ??????????????.

Marcus: Hey, look! It's Lowen and Harken!

Lowen: Hi.

Harken: How is the assassination plot thing going?

Marcus: Very well. I just hired Jaffar to- Hey, where'd Jaffar go?

Harken: What's with all of those Random Druids?

Narrator: Unbeknownst to Marcus, Jaffar had secretly slipped into the Isadora the Explorer studio!

Marcus: You know what, I'm going to call the Assassin Hotline and complain! *Calls*

Legault: What now?

Marcus: Jaffar vanished and some Random Druids are laughing!

Legault: *Breaks out laughing*

Marcus: What's so funny?

Legault: I sent the Druids with Jaffar. Jaffar's gone Berserk and he's gonna kill you all! HA! *Hangs up*

Marcus: Uh-oh?

Random People: *Run out of the studio screaming*

Harken: Hey, it's a stampede! Lowen, let's join in!

Lowen: You betcha!

Jaffar: ?????????.

Marcus' Horse: Security!

Security: Huzzah!

Jaffar: *Kills Security*

Marcus' Horse: AAAAAAAAA! *Runs away*

Jaffar: *Turns towards Isadora the Explorer*


Jaffar: *Turns away from Isadora the Explorer*

Old Marcus: This is the best show ever! Right, Titania?

Titania: Heck yes!

Nino: Hey, it's Jaffar!

Jaffar: ?????????.

Nino: Jaffar?

Jaffar: ????????? *Inches towards Nino*


Jaffar: *Throws daggers at Nino*

Daggers: *Are flying through the air*

Nino: *Is standing where the daggers will land*

Narrator: We now interrupt this presentation for a commercial break!

Bern Tourist Guide: Need a guide of Bern? THEN LOOK NO FURTHER!

Karel: *Changes the channel*

Lucius: Hey, change it back! I wanna see what happens to Nino!

Karel: Fine! *Changes it back*

Police Officer: Only thirty more minutes of TV time, punks!

Narrator: Now back to our feature presentation!

Nino: *Does 'The Matrix' and dodges daggers*

Old Marcus: Well, that was cheap.

Harken: Hey, what's up? That stampede was lame, so I came here for no reason except to provide a perfect opportunity to get killed by Jaffar and thus be the character that gets killed!

Jaffar: ??????? *Jumps at Harken*

Harken: Except you forgot one thing, Jaffar.

Jaffar: ???????. *Unsheathes daggers*

Harken: I'm the best prepromote in the game! *Stabs Jaffar*

Jaffar: ???. *Dies*


Readers: But Jaffar isn't a main character!

Harken: I know. That means someone else will die before the chapter ends!

Readers: Gasp!

Marcus: But who?

Old Marcus: What even qualifies you for main charactership?

Lowen: I'm a main character!

Harken: No, you're not.

Lowen: Ah, man!

Nino: Jaffar is dead!

Marcus: We know that.

Narrator: I can't take it anymore! *Jumps off of a tall building*

Marcus: Of course! The Narrator was the least expected one to die!

Old Marcus: How is this fic going to work without a Narrator?

Lowen: I'll be the Narrator!

Harken: Whatever.

Lowen: That wraps up Season 1 of MAOM! What will happen next season? Who is Mystery Agent X? Why did the Narrator commit suicide? All will be revealed? In Season 2!

This is the final chapters. I hope everyone thought this story was humorous. It's the only fanfic I ever thought was worth reading, and it comes from ye olde FEW days.

Edit2: Just noticed the broken apostraphes, I'll fix that tomorrow.

Edited by Klokinator

Share this post

Link to post
Share on other sites

I copypasted from SOS, which was copy pasted from FEU, which was copypasted from FEW. A lot of things are broken, I gotta repair them.

I also just realized Banzai goes to these forums, yay.

Edit: Those links aren't broken, they're 5 years old and dead. I also fixed the random spelling issues it was having. I'll need to run a spell checker on this sucker.

Edited by Klokinator

Share this post

Link to post
Share on other sites

Might want to ask him about this...

Regardless, this is interesting. I recall Banzai saying he thought MAOM was lost when Oldsider went down years ago.

Share this post

Link to post
Share on other sites

Man, this is... 6 years old. At least. I feel like we've unearthed some kind of ancient artifact.

Anyways, if anyone is wondering, I really did make these, on Nsider1. They were written as a parody of all the ridiculous Marcus-bashing that went on on the forums. I'll have to reread them to see if they're decent or not.

Share this post

Link to post
Share on other sites

You joined Oldsider at most six years ago. I forget whether you joined in March or May.

I remember I thought it was funny five years ago, but then, that was five years ago. We were what, 13? If it's not decent you'll have to post FESDUV to show how well you can write now, and then you'll have to finish writing it, finally!

Edited by Othin

Share this post

Link to post
Share on other sites

You joined Oldsider at most six years ago. I forget whether you joined in March or May.

I remember I thought it was funny five years ago, but then, that was five years ago. We were what, 13? If it's not decent you'll have to post FESDUV to show how well you can write now, and then you'll have to finish writing it, finally!

I joined Oldsider May 2, 2006, so I would have been 13 then.

I don't think I wrote this until I was 14 though. Still... a looong time ago. I'm amazed anyone still remembers it, let alone thinks it's brilliant enough to warrant a demidecade reposting. I wonder if he has FEUV

I'm thinking of writing a ThraciUV over the summer. I thought about posting FESDUV here but it kinda requires having read FESSUV to get, and I'm not posting FESSUV here because 1. formatting issues 2. questionable quality and 3. too many inside jokes.

Share this post

Link to post
Share on other sites

Yeah, FESSUV wouldn't work. I'm sure you could find a way to work things out to bring FESDUV over, though. Maybe adding a sort of prologue with an explanation and relevant excerpts?

Edited by Othin

Share this post

Link to post
Share on other sites

Yeah, FESSUV wouldn't work. I'm sure you could find a way to work things out to bring FESDUV over, though. Maybe adding a sort of prologue with an explanation and relevant excerpts?

Well Ogma kind of explains everything in Ch 2 anyways, but the Gerik Mercenaries show up halfway through. What am I supposed to do to explain them?

Share this post

Link to post
Share on other sites

xD I always thought this story was worth keeping. The randomness is lame sometimes, but some parts of this truly deserve to be memes, yanno? Not only that, but it'd make a hilarious game if you cleaned it up and interpreted the script into a game in such a way as to actually be funny and cohesive.

Edit: And what are all of those acronyms? I have a couple other fan stories but I'm not sure about what "FEUV" is.

Edited by Klokinator

Share this post

Link to post
Share on other sites

Well Ogma kind of explains everything in Ch 2 anyways, but the Gerik Mercenaries show up halfway through. What am I supposed to do to explain them?

I'm sure you can come up with something.

Edit: And what are all of those acronyms? I have a couple other fan stories but I'm not sure about what "FEUV" is.

FEUV is Fire Emblem: The Unedited Version. Banzai made it around the same time as MAOM. He also made versions for Sacred Stones and Shadow Dragon (FESSUV and FESDUV). FESSUV was finished, but FESDUV only goes up to Ch20 so far, I believe. FEPoRUV was even stranger than the others, and didn't work out. I recall one of the problems was going too far to differentiate it from Radiance Theatre, an FE9 story which someone compared to the UV series. If you're familiar with it, Banzai gave a quite apt comparison along these lines:

Radiance Theatre sticks mostly to the plot of the game, whereas I pillage and rape the plots of the games.
Edited by Othin

Share this post

Link to post
Share on other sites

PoRUV made more sense than FESSUV, which was the problem. I should have made it stranger in order to break away from the Radiance Theatre comparisons.

Share this post

Link to post
Share on other sites

Well in that case I don't have any of those, just ome other fan stories that are kinda funny but yet not. Anyway, I've been preserving MAOM for like 7 years, so you're welcome I guess, unless you're ashamed it's seen the light of day again xP

Share this post

Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now

Sign in to follow this  

  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    No registered users viewing this page.