finished Let's Play: OpenXCOM - UFO Defense

[Parrhesia]

It's theoretically possible. I don't know if you lose or not if it happens. You'd definitely be racking up a huge loss through monthly maintenance costs, though.

[Parrhesia]

GEOSCAPE

NO TIME TO TALK THIS IS A PICTURE OF THE BATTLESHIP THAT IS TRYING TO INFILTRATE SOUTH AFRICA

IT ACTUALLY HAS THE RANGE NEEDED TO ATTACK AN AVENGER

avenger with plasma still fucks anything though

Oh fuck me.

The squad - oh, fuck. Two battleships have arrived.

It nearly takes out a firestorm, but we splash one. The other lands, to infiltrate one of the countries. Hopefully the Avenger's in time to intercept...

Alright.

Thank christ.

... But fuck, this'll be rough.

BATTLESCAPE

Godlike: "Okay. I was on the last rough Battleship attack, and fuck, it was rough going. And we made it."

Godlike: "BUT I AM JUST. A TOUCH. CONCERNED. WHEN THE TWO GUYS AHEAD OF ME DIE INSTANTLY."

Empath: "oh fuck me."

Ironclaw: "Shit happens! Move on!"

Harmwell: "Looks like the blasters are still payin' off... the sniper must be somewhere in that rubble, and I doubt he's doin' great."

Zenith: "Wait... you're flying with the Eagles?"

Achilles: "HOW DARE YOU."

Ironclaw: "No, not with. Above."

Glyndwr: "This is tantamount to treason."

Ironclad: "Oh, you BASTARD!"

Empath: "Jesus, you cleared him through the window? Guess those jetpack suits are useful after all!"

Zenith: "Hmph."

Bilgewater: "Oh, fuck me, it lives."

Mahoney: "I got it, but..."

Hawke: "It's still fucking breathing! And there's another of the cunts here, too?!"

Mahoney: "Will you not fucking die?"

Hawke: "Fine, I'll stand on the one in the house - you stand on that one."

Hertz: "Ohh, breach is hot! Breach is hot as fuck!"

Punishment: "Hahah oh my god you thick bastard you shot your own mate trying to get me on overwatch! Not happening! Reaction fire is for wankers!"

Hertz: "Shit."

Arcthrower: "Well, we made the breach. That's... four down?"

Swagger: "Top floor's not too heavily guarded... from the south, at least."

Plutarch: "You hear that from upstairs?"

Windmill: "Yeah... sounded like a losing firefight. ARTILLERY!"

Plutarch: "Right, I'll just pop down and open the door for them..."

Crowley: "STAND CLEAR."

Plutarch: "Aww, bollocks!"

Harmwell: "Wait, what the fuck are you doing down here?!"

one ineffectual enemy phase later

Harmwell: "... Can I keep you?"

Ironclaw: "YOU CANNOT KEEP THE X-RAY AS A PET, HARMWELL."

Plutarch: "Oh, are you the weird tickling sensation in my thigh? How long've you been there, eh? You cheeky fucker..."

Scopewell: "Well this prick's down... who's that guy?"

Hertz: "I dunno. Either way, this Muton was it down here. Looks like they're just sniping at us from the corridors."

Scopewell: "Wish it wasn't working."

Achilles: "Still one there in the command room!"

Ironclaw: "So you're the commander? And you've been hiding here while your men die on the front lines? Go fuck yourself."

Arcthrower: "Found another blaster guy here! But he's down. Christ, if they'd been firing, they could've decimated us..."

Ironclaw: "Probably afraid of the friendly fire if they miss. Hah, God knows we found out in the confined areas of alien bases!"

Arcthrower: "So you're saying the aliens are more scrupulous about avoiding casualties than us?"

Ironclaw: "... Just keep clearing the ship."

Windmill: "Aren't you a bit late to join the party?"

Windmill: "Uh."

Hertz: "WHAT THE SHIT"

Windmill: "Don't ask! Just shoot!"

Casualties: Steve J. Blum, Thames Touchdown, Carry Touchwood, Grit Swagger, Broken Gutshot, Capital Punishment, Columbus Magellan, White Sabbath, Streak Evil

Edited February 25, 2015 by Parrhesia

[Dandragon]

Name:Ava Meatcave

Sex:Female

ClassSniper

Other: Seeing the genocide, she has the brilliant idea to repopulate the Earth through the power of sex, and chooses to seduce the soldiers first. It did not work out well. Now she is drafted.

[Excellen Browning]

She can only get pregnant one at a time, though. But whatever.

[Parrhesia]

BATTLESCAPE

No change to the reserves - we're headed for the crashed UFO, immediately.
I have, of course, run out of armour for any of them. I'd have ordered it more efficiently but, um, I forgot.


Yggdrasil: "At least Marque killed... some sort of liver thing? Before dying to the green men?"
Godlike: "Celatids and mutons, moron, celatids and fucking mutons! Do they not fuckin' brief the scouts these days?!"
Yggdrasil: "I dunno, they just said it would be a waste of money after the last batch. ... Hey, where is the last batch, anyway?"
Godlike: "Jesus christ."


Hawke: "Oh fuck, oh fuck... medic!"


Stonegrip: "I'm sick and fucking tired of this overwatch bullshit, you know that?!"


Riddermark: "Hm... quiet up here."


Hertz: "God, not many other places for them to be, is there? Haha... God, I hope we get some reinforcements."


Stonegrip: "We really have fucked this place up, eh? But there's something down there..."


Hertz: "FUCK ME."
Mahoney: "He just walked in and chucked a fucking grenade! It's fucking uncalled for! That cunt!"


Hertz: "Alright... place is clear?"
Hawke: "No enemies here."
Mahoney: "All good."
Hertz: "Okay. We need to start scoping out their siege..."


Windmill: "Took out a liver... but Stonegrip's dead beside me, Jesus. Don't underestimate those things!"


Arcthrower: "... The fuck did you come from? Well... easily solved..."


Stonehenge: "I keep shooting at this fucking muton and it keeps not fucking bleeding! These pistols are useless!"
Windmill: "Gangway! Coming through!"


Harmwell: "Nice arse, mate."


Windmill: "Dunno what you're talkin' about, medics, it's all good here. But what was that squelching sound... ?"


Ironclaw: "Hey, where'd you come from?"
Achilles: "DON'T TOUCH! THAT'S EAGLE PREY! I'M LINING MY SIGHTS!"


Ironclaw: "Area's clear."
Achilles: "YOU BASTARD. YOU FUCKING BASTARD."


Arcthrower: "Guns blazing! Um... blazing... uh... ahh... fuck..."


Horrorshow: "Heh. Nice conference call!"
Horrorshow: "By yourself!"
Horrorshow: "..."
Horrorshow: "Nerd!"


So Heavy Arcthrower, with his heavy laser, was in the room with the two blaster muton soldiers. They do nothing on their turn - in fact, one panics. So he guns down the right one and misses the left one. It's okay, panics again. To make sure of it, and to get him out of the fucking doorway, he walks forward to take care of the last muton execution-style.
I misclick 'end turn' instead of the gun.
The muton calmly fires and kills himself, Arcthrower and the unfortunate Knight Godlike near the lift. Rest in fucking peace. Also Arcthrower is the landmark 250th death (Godlike the 251st), hooray!
Casualties: Client Marque, Efficient Yggdrasil, Knight Godlike, Chant Softspoken, Balkan Firepower, Gothic Empath, Tense Arcthrower, Stun Stonegrip, Marquee Simony, Elegant Riddermark

[eclipse]

ITT: Vicious Harmwell enjoys some nice alien ass.

[Parrhesia]

BATTLESCAPE

What do you think? There's a third battleship waiting to be bashed up!

I, um.

I don't remember what race it is. And it's out of hyperwave range.

Fuck.

Glyndwr: "Hah, these sectoid cavalry are pathetically weak! The flower of Welsh chivalry still shines through."

Ironclaw: "Uh... yeah, mate, we have video footage of us trying to fight them with conventional arms. It didn't go well."

Zenith: "Aahh, fluffed my lines... just bomb the fuckers!"

Crowley: "Done and done. Stand clear."

Arsenal: "Jesus... this is some salt the earth shit right here..."

Scopewell: "Shit, mind the other side of the lift! Plasma sectoid on guard there!"

Rand: "Alien... kid... you've made some bad fuckin' mistakes."

O'Donnell: "I got this one. You head upstairs, shocktrooper."

Rand: "Shouldn't it be you? Your face is already pretty fucked up, better to throw the dying man to his death than risk the healthy."

O'Donnell: "I'm not wounded, I just suffer from a number of harmless but disfiguring diseases!"

Rand: "... Christ. Alright. Heading up."

O'Donnell: "I heard a scream, and it wasn't an alien. ARTILLERY!"

Killsmith: "Oh, hi. Like what you've done with the place."

Arsenal: "... Wait, how'd we miss you pricks?!"

Windmill: "No worries, mate, you got backup."

Killsmith: "Yeah, I got one lurking in this hallway."

O'Donnell: "... Really?"

Arsenal: "Fuck me, we had the choreography all down just perfect..."

Donoghue: "'Open door, step out, step left, gun raised...'"

Sleet: "And nothing to fucking shoot!"

Windmill: "Oh, fuck me-- !"

Rushmore: "This one survived the fall! I'll patch them up, you go up and murder the cunts!"

Parrish Scopewell had 10 HP after being patched up for three wounds. It follows that he had 1 HP when bleeding out on the floor.

Hertz: "Was that you? You cheeky pricks!"

Arsenal: "Nah, mate, has to've been this one. Get the fuck down and stay there!"

Sleet: "Ehm... y'know what, lads, I'm not fancying this..."

Sleet: "JUMP!"

Millar: "Oh, you jammy bastard."

Hertz: "No worries, we fragged the prick. Heh, coward just wanted to run away!"

Millar: "Should've fired. Would've at least gone down swinging."

Hertz: "Nah, they're not gonna be that suicidal. They're fuckin' sectoids, ain't they?"

Harmwell: "OH COCKS-"

Casualties: Sergeant Vicious Harmwell, Feudal Rand, Malevolent Hart, Rifle Killsmith

Edited February 26, 2015 by Parrhesia

[IGdood]

I fucking enjoyed this, even though by the time I found it I think it's too late to sign up. Love your writing.

[Parrhesia]

GEOSCAPE

... Why the fuck would we want this?!

ohhhhh come on, you bastard-

I MEAN

OH NO

DON'T ATTACK OUR BASE

(it doesn't. passes within fucking inches.)

how many ethereal american bases do the aliens even fucking need?!

I sort of accidentally splash a small scout and decide to go attack it! Look how cute it is.

how... cute...

Anyway, moving on.

We've discovered the finale.

We did manage to take home a live silacoid! The psions-in-training are presently trying to make it do tricks.

It's training.

A normal grenade, incidentally, has a power of 50. But, y'know. Don't really use them.

Supply ships are just how you find alien bases, they're nothing but help to you.

On the subject we eat a couple supply ships. But balanced is winning, and we've taken out a fuckton of supply ships.

Alien infiltration? Not on my fucking watch...

(We lose it. Shit.)

...

Why would you put a base here?

I mean, it's worked. That's another three we'll have to break up.

Man all these problems we've been having with the air game recently! Nah. You don't need this. Plasma on anything is fine.

This? This is more interesting. A tank with a blaster launcher - slightly weaker and very expensive in Elerium, but it doesn't need to reload.

... Mutons in Africa. I need to start taking these fucking bases out. Then we can finally get to Cydonia...

Fuck their bases.

BATTLESCAPE

Rushmore: "Fuck this, more ethereals?"

Donoghue: "I want a floater base somewhere."

Ironclaw: "This could cause some problems."

O'Donnell: "We have 'em this side."

Sleet: "Oh, thank christ the support's actually close by this time!"

Windmill: "Khlljft.... kkh.hh"

Breakdown: "Aaaargh, fuck! Medic!"

Arsenal: "I'm coming over."

Privateer: "No, shoot first! Cry later!"

Shen: "Sectopod down. Three shots was all it took?"

Uptop: "These heavy lasers, man! They're perfect!"

Haywire: "... Well, fuck. Fallin' back!"

Uptop: "Got him. ... Hey, Emerald, why weren't you shooting?"

Ironclaw: "This psi-amp the techs gave me. Shit, I'm just trying to mind control everything by this stage."

Uptop: "Do those things have minds?"

Ironclaw: "One way to find out!"

McCann: "AH, CHRIST!"

Bilgewater: "Get out of there! We can fix this!"

Crowley: "... We can try to fix this."

Blaze: "Shit, shit! We've only attracted its anger!"

Tolchok: "Aren't lasers meant to be effective against this thing!?"

Sleet: "Tearing through this flank, at least!"

Rushmore: "S h i t"

O'Donnell: "Don't turn around... don't turn around... don't turn around..."

Donoghue: "Sometimes I wonder if we should start using grenades."

Glyndwr: "Eagles charge! ... Ach, I can't fire through this strangely squared-off diagonal passageway!"

Horrorshow: "Three and a secto' here! Where's the artillery, for fuck's sake?!"

Crowley: "Reloading! You'll have to do what you can!"

Horrorshow: "Ahh, fuck off!"

Haywire: "Blaster guy up here! Maybe he'd have been more effective if he hadn't been seperated from us by an automatic fucking door!"

Tolchok: "Take it, you bastards! Wooo!"

Gundown: "Wait... Glyndwr's down? But who shot him?!"

We never find out. I ... I have no idea how he was shot, because it wasn't a straight-on shot, and I... yeah. Also this sectopod running around in the hallways - the one O'Connor saw the arse of - is surprisingly the last enemy of the match.

Casualties: Captain Owain Glyndwr, Colonel Casualty McCann, Mitch 'Fuckface' O'Donnell, Infamy Rushmore, Tilted Windmill

[Parrhesia]

Also you can sign up! Just the chances, barring a disasterous few base assaults, might be slim to sneak into the final squad.

[Person123]

RIP Fuckface

This should be my last submission.

Name: Armond Hammer

Sex: Male

Class: Heavy

Other: Once a competitive rugby player, he was banned from the game after "accidentally" crippling an enemy player. He sought to join X-com for more opportunities to hit things.

[Dinkiniensis Pontifex]

Shame about Owain. Here's my last, but not least, submission.

Name: Margaret Thatcher

Sex: Female

Class: Shock

Other: Back from the grave and determined to avenge Norman Tebbit, the former Prime Minister of Britain is vengeful, tough as nails, and very likely to harangue her fellow soldiers. The Iron Lady won't give up until she or all the aliens are dead.

[Parrhesia]

Oh shit, Norman Tebbit was a real guy?!

... The one guy I IIRC gambled on giving an American accent? whoops

Oh yeah I plan to release a Memorial video alongside the finale videos

It will probably take some time.

[Parrhesia]

BATTLESCAPE

Arsenal: "Off the ramp-"

Off: "Oh my God, was she killed the moment she stepped out? What have I signed up for?!"

Serif: "... You voluntarily signed up?"

Scopewell: "Aarrgh, I hate the watchtower guys!"

Crowley: "Better safe than sorry, eh?"

Scopewell: "You didn't even hit the watchtower!"

Crowley: "Yeah, but all his mates are probably dead."

Ironbrew: "Christ, the medic corps is getting smaller by the week! That's Thirstquench down, and I got nothing against this pod! Help!"

Donoghue: "OH, GOD"

Hertz: "Wait, what the fuck?! Old Emerald Ironclaw dies to... to a fucking fluke shot..."

Stonehenge: "Fire! Fuck, fire!"

Gundown: "Straight-up shootouts, you cunts! Have some of this!"

Privateer: "Things aren't looking good here, either..."

Uptop: "Ahh, these fucking glass tanks don't make for the best of cover! Jacqui, pick your fucking gun up, you dumb cunt!"

Off: "Ahh... I... I can't... I can't breathe..."

Tolchok: "Fuck me, they're everywhere..."

Bilgewater: "Less everywhere now!"

Chevrolet: "Another one down here! Tried to wing me as I turned the corner. This entire LZ was a trap for us!"

Enemy phase. Overheard on enemy phase was a friendly fire ethereal death as well as two blaster launcher explosions that both miss.

Scopewell: "Grenade! Damn it, Jacqui, if you were so scared why didn't you take cover..."

Day: "It was bloody, but... we won through."

Sleet: "Hah, this fucking moron fragged himself with his own launcher!"

Tolchok: "Glad I cleared the area in time..."

Horrorshow: "OH GOD HE JUST THREW A GRENADE ON THE BOTH OF US"

Tolchok: "Haha, yessss, drop your gun and dance for me!"

A bloody, ugly fight, but we were fortunate not to lose more. It's getting to the stage where straight firefights are winnable, but there are always going to be casualties... and some casualties can never be replaced.

Casualties: Jacqui Off, Vice Stonehenge, Lunge Thirstquench, Fanta Ironbrew, Colonel Iskander Haywire, Chelsea Arsenal, Commander Emerald Ironclaw

[riariadne]

Name: Bolt Slampage

Sex: Male

Class: Sniper

Other: This can in no way fail.

[Parrhesia]

GEOSCAPE

We research this, it's pointless.

Time to go attack a base.

guess who forgets to load plasma pistol ammo in the avenger but equips everyone with pistols

While these guys attack... a splashed medium scout.

BATTLESCAPE

Cooldown: "Well... this isn't the hottest of LZs. I mean, they put slimes in the sniping positions. We should be okay."

Rockhenge: "Shit, shit, two people down! Psych- ps- WHOA."

Rockhenge: "Yes... shoot the slime... good dog..."

Axejaw: "That's... fucked up."

Jims: "Haha, I got mine to head upstairs, drop his gun, drop a primed grenade at his feet..."

Goliath: "Reporting enemy casualties approaching the command."

Ng: "Ugh, this thing is gnawing on me!"

Goliath: "It's irrelevant. We're cleaning up here."

Cheapgrog: "Found a guy! And I'm set to... mind control... it... oh, FUCK me-"

Tomahawk: "This 'let them eat their own grenades' strategy's really workin' out for us, eh?"

Cheapgrog: "Alright... second time's the charm, now drop the gun, give it to me, thaaaat's it..."

Goliath: "Still cleanin' up down here."

Rockhenge: "Hm, looks like the grenade didn't quite stick on this one..."

Goliath: "Ahh, shit."

Ryan: *grunt*

Muton: *grunt*

Ryan: *snort*

Muton: *bestial grunt*

Ryan: *grunt*

Muton: *grunt*

Axejaw: "For all our devastation, something's still alive out here! Wish it didn't take so much energy to get this thing to fire..."

Tomahawk: "Blindfire looks to have got something."

Cannon: "Hah, took out one of th' liver things! Stupid things shouldn't just be roamin' about..."

Goliath: "Still life signs up here... how?"

Dreams: "... Shit, tagged something on the rocket's route. These things still aren't flawless..."

Ryan: *wounded grunt*

Rockhenge: "Ahh, man, did you have to kill him? He was like my signature boy!"

Banner: "What were you gonna do with him? Jesus, get over it."

Goliath: "Goddamn... area secure, and anything but intact."

Jims: "I mean... I could go up there, orrr..."

Dreams: "OR WE COULD HELP"

Jims: "- or I could wait until the rookies had massed up."

Dreams: "MY WAY'S BETTER."

Dreams: "Anything up there? ... I mean, shit, I'm just making shit up by this point."

Goliath: "One finally showed itself. No mercy."

Banner: "And here's the other."

Casualties: Lombard Cannon, Colonel Bronze Cooldown

While we're at it, let's take out the scout/abductor/whatever, too!

Note Joe Bloggs' psi-strength.

This is the default loadout XCOM decided to give her.

... um

well

that's an update!

Edited March 1, 2015 by Parrhesia

[euklyd]

Ng: "Ugh, this thing is gnawing on me!"

yessssssss

also

431 votes.

that's a very large value of "15"

[Parrhesia]

I am sure that the vote for Thorough is winning completely legitimately and that my thread has had a spike of activity in people who are not deciding to post.

[N7隊長ジョン]

So like I'm new to OpenCom; is there any use of cover in this game? and also, how are you supposed to tell what the hit rates are? I don't really see much of that at all.

[Parrhesia]

You can stand behind things, but generally if they're of use to you for cover they're fucking you over just as much in your attempts to attack the enemy. Early on in the LP I try to crouch behind things a lot and as a result start inexplicably losing LoS on a ton of shit.

Hit rates pop up when you click the weapon. You click on the type of shot you want to make - Aimed which is worthless, Snap which is fast and used on overwatch and when you fuck up your move and when you turn don't have enough for a burst (and on heavy lasers), and depending on the weapon type, Auto, which fires a burst and is the one you always want to use - and then you click on the target.

[Parrhesia]

BATTLESCAPE

pricks. But it's the new year! Let's celebrate by blowing up the last base.

Same squad as was on Avenger 2 last update.

Achilles: "A silicoid. Must be muton scum in the base."

Day: "Ahh, shit... Hertz is down!"

Day: "Oh, God... I heard a lot of screams there! Nice work."

Shen: "Nngh... ! But... didn't get through the armour, you little shit. You're still fucking dead!"

Shen: "Spotted another one. Get a bead on it, artillery-"

Ruthless: "Why do we keep using these fucking things?! What are they fucking good for?!"

Zenith: "Eagles preying on green scum!"

Plutarch: "Shit, we're caught in a rough place here! Hunker down, lads!"

Donoghue: "Hah, caught 'em in the overwatch!"

Achilles: "Perfect, gents, now stream into the breach!"

Hawke: "It's a massacre! They're scattered to hell!"

Lucifer: "Hah... sorry to ruin the party, mate..."

Howl: "Ahhh, that was a cheap shot. Mind the sniper's body as you walk in, gents."

Gundown: "Mmh, lonely life in this watchtower, just me and this dead mut- wait. What?"

Gundown: "... What the fuck? Kurtis, turn and shoot, for fuck's sake!"

Casualties: Colonel Tesla Hertz, Hangover Shirriff, Brute Thunderclap, Tepid Lucifer, Captain Doctor Shen

Next... the finale.

[eclipse]

. . .and then Shen was warped back to the KoF dimension, completely unsure of whatever the fuck happened, but glad to have a shiny new weapon to his name.

Still, out of all of the people I submitted, he went the farthest, bar none. Always use the original, folks~!

[Parrhesia]

The memorial - all 274 of them, complete with profile - and the final cut of the twenty-six brave soldiers fighting the do-or-die mission on the surface of Mars.

If they all die, it'd make a clean 300.

Makes you think.

[fengaridotdll]

Who are the 26 being shipped off to Mars?

[Parrhesia]

It was right there in the video...