[FE7] HHM: Why be fast when you can be HILARIOUS

[scorri]

Jaffar and Harken I guess

[eclipse]

Oh. . .why didn't I think of this earlier?!

Karel!

[SB.]

OSTIA THWOMP

[Terrador]

Wil and Renault.

[SB.]

Other thwomp.

[eclipse]

Hawkeye.

[scorri]

Yay I get Dart

[eclipse]

AND IT BEGINS!

Chapter 11 - 13/13

This isn't where I cheat. Yet.

Perhaps you'll know what's going to hit you. Perhaps not.

Looks like Hector wants to see where this draft goes.

I swear I didn't kill Uther.

"Matthew, that's half the pantry!"

"Milord, you're still a growing boy, and you need your food!"

"I don't eat that much! Besides, you know how I don't care for sweets!"

"Oh, I have. . .plans for the rest of this."

"I thought you were supposed to pay Castle Ostia's bills with that money."

"They won't care once we're gone, milord."

"I don't like where this is going."

"Wait, this is a late notice from the electric company!"

"Milord, we're in a medieval setting. We don't have electricity--"

"OH FOR FUCK'S SAKE."

"The electric company sent their bill collectors!"

"Milord, WE DON'T HAVE ELECTRICITY! Sheesh, your acting is awful today."

"Their shirts say 'Wire for Hire'. Sounds like the electric company to me."

"I'll show them what it means to strongarm me!"

"HEY, that was our payment for the electric bill!"

"First Hector, and now you. We don't HAVE electricity!"

"So explain the lack of lights, smart guy!"

"Set guys screwed up again. Easy."

"Set guys? What do you think this is, a performance?"

"Yet you're the ones insisting that a medieval castle has electric lights."

"Gonna need this for the rest of my plans to take hold."

"I won't move until the electric bill has been paid!"

"Okay, die then."

"Someone's gotta keep up with Matthew."

"THIEF!"

"Well, yeah, that's my job."

"Who names their electric company Wire?"

"I can't believe that this doofus thinks that electricity exists in medieval times. Thanks for the shitty name, Mom."

"As if some armor knight is going to outspeed me."

"I got some additional supplies off of them, too."

"Oh, you have a plane at your disposal?"

"You're an idiot."

"I don't swing that way."

"Well, neither do I."

"So what's up with that line, then?"

"Blame the writers."

Edited September 11, 2016 by eggclipse

[Terrador]

Chapter 11: Already giving up on turncount

[spoiler=]

Alright, duuudes. So I hear this Hector guy is gonna go fight some dudes. Not my thing, man, but to each his own.

I have been C to the O to the N to the SCRIPTED as his tactician. No clue why, but I'll give it a whirl. What's the worst that could happen?

Oswin knows what's up.

Relaaax, Matthew. I'm sure he's just mad about Eliwood; he'll level off with time.

Right?

Of course.

I remember when I thought this map was hard. Good times. Goood tiiiiiiiiimes.

"Speak for yourself. I don't have an inkling as to why Lord Hector brought you along, but I'm feeling a bit holier than I'd like."

But... bro... consider. What if... he just keeps trying to steal back from you... forever...?

"You dreadful dolt. The moment my Speed grows, he's going to stop."

"Oh, what's the worst that could happen?"

Oh. Well, there's your face.

And there's a hit rate! Good job, Hector. I approve.

Duuude. Not cool.

"This is very cool. What are you on about? Look at all the snacks!"

"If you hadn't dodged that armor knight, you would be dead right now."

"Details."

"SHIT!"

...perhaps again, with a bit less greed.

One doob and God knows how long later

I, uh... figured out that stealing exploit.

"Through soul-crushing tedium, I have achieved power! I am perfection! I AM--"

"Still a chump."

At least there is some small solace for Matthew.

Name    Level HP ST SK SP LK DE RS Wlvl Supports
Hector   5.69 23 09 06 07 03 10 01 Ax C Matthew C
Matthew 20.-- 32 09 10 20 09 07 01 Sw D Hector C

Next time: CHUMP MOUNTAIN, where all my units are ASS! Stay tuned!

Edited September 12, 2016 by Terrador

[Quintessence]

Why does eclipse have fog of war?

Also holy shit matt lv 20 already lol

[Terrador]

eclipse has fog because she is a rusemaster to be feared, to my recent discovery. Also, Nightmare. The rules for this draft might be the loosest in SF history :P

[eclipse]

Why does eclipse have fog of war?

Also holy shit matt lv 20 already lol

Because cheating is allowed as long as it's funny. And the other rule I follow is that it should mostly be to my detriment.

[Quintessence]

Because cheating is allowed as long as it's funny. And the other rule I follow is that it should mostly be to my detriment.

delete enemy range and WT bonuses too

[Terrador]

Chapter 12: Brokeback Mountain

See, I'm not one to make bawdy jokes.*

I take extra-special care to, even beyond respect and understanding, leave the levity about a group to that group.*

And I certainly don't rip off media I've never even seen.*

BUT

COME

THE

FUCK

ON

IT CAN'T STOP

IT WON'T STOP

I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I DID TO DESERVE THIS*

Marcus! Do you not know anything! The rescuing is for damsels and the like! Why on earth would you be carrying Bartre; he's in perfect health!

"Because these peasants can't survive a rusty knife to the neck, and you peasants are little better."

"Disgusting."

MEANWHILE, NORTHSIDE

"Oswin, get back here! That useless cleric is about to kick it!"

"We... got it, actually. Yes."

"I will rip your soul out through your--"

"Anyhow. I enjoy a good scrape as much as the next guy, but we're a little low on axes up here."

"And hitrate."

"Move aside, peasants. It is Marcus' time."

"Peasant, bring me more steel... and tell me these two lunatics aren't complete dead weight."

"... I will permit it."

He knows so little.

*blatant lies. Do not trust Terrador.

Name    Level  HP ST SK SP LK DE RS Wlvl             Supports
Hector   5.69  23 09 06 07 03 10 01 Ax C             Matthew C
Eliwood  2.04  19 06 06 08 08 05 00 Sw C
Marcus   1.63* 31 15 15 11 08 10 08 Sw A, Ln A, Ax B
Dorcas   3.80  30 07 07 06 03 03 00 Ax C
Rebecca  1.85  17 04 05 06 04 03 01 Bw D
Matthew 20.--  32 09 10 20 09 07 01 Sw D             Hector C
Lowen, Bartre, Oswin, Serra: BASES

[SB.]

[spoiler=C11]

I haven't even started and I already regret suggesting HHM.

Unlike eclipse, my run will be pure, with Absolutely No Changes Whatsoever From the Normal Game. Definitely.

But first, he's going to become a master detective.

How else would he be able to figure out that Laus was involved with no explanation?

If Hector goes out like that, he'll probably just walk into the throne.

Matthew is confirmed a terrible person. He didn't even pack Hector any Vulneraries!

I concur!

I agree! With two whole axes and no consumables whatsoever, I'm running out of inventory space!

Despite trying to make Hector starve to death, he isn't outright trying to kill him. That's the Black Fang's job.

And because of that, I'm going to wait right here where it's safe!

Any moment now, the Thief will open the door and we'll spring our trap!

Wait, get back here!

Are you even trying to kill us?

Finally.

It is at this point that I realise that Hector has no hope of hitting the Thief.

These losers are much easier though!

Maybe if I hide on the pillar, he won't notice me...?

Hector is kind of bleeding from his everything here, help.

Never mind. Nailed it.

I'm so glad that the last guy dropped a Vulnerary. I need more though.

Way more.

My precious.

"It took you over 10 turns for you to start killing yourselves on me!"

Speaking of 30 turns, how the fuck?

This is going roughly as well as expected.

[Terrador]

Chapter 13 - You can lead a horse to water...

No.

Unfortunately, Eliwood is far too full of himself to be FRIGHTENED!

Even though he makes bases!Lowen look like a brick wall.

Eliwood why

...I'd think this guy wouldn't be backing away unless he was afraid of Hector.

I mean, reasonable thing to be, but still.

Can we also take a moment and appreciate that booger-ass, full sideburn, male-patterned-baldness-to-11 hairdo he's got going?

I'm not sure how I never noticed this before, but this dude is a train wreck from the neck up

INCONSPICUOUS

Also, pretty sure he'd be gone if he fucked up. Given that, you know.

He'd be dead.

Duuude. He's gotta cut trees. It's what you do when you're an axebro with no stats.

Lowen is an excellent delivery boy.

Now, peasant, I'll need you for one more thing...

Please stop screaming. I'm fully capable of fighting with a horse on my back.

All this, to feed you filthy peasants. I hope you're happy.

Rebecca, on the other hand...

Not sure why she's in the army. I mean... at all. When you get straight-up wasted by a kind of bad generic type

You are

not doing very well for yourself.

Even Dorcas isn't humiliating himself as badly.

(That DEF proc actually saves his life later. He has no Vulnerary. You'll see what I mean.)

Trying to feed these little turds fills me with so much pain.

You can lead a unit to kills

But you can't make them do anything resembling damage.

Meanwhile, Doga* will choke** this point!
*not actually Doga
**not actually choking

This is the heme of tonight's party, isn't it.

You do realize that I'll stil be better than these chumps at endgame?

No comment from the tictacian on that one.

Also, I decided to let Matthew tank in the forest. Don't judge me, dammit!

(Spoilers: he gets hit by this.)

Also also: Bartre gets doubled by this dude.

Doubled.

This is one map after his join.

SO SB, HOW YA FEELIN'

WAS IT WORTH

W A S I T W O R T H

[3:10:22 AM] SB: he gets doubled on his starting map lol.

*screaming in the distance*

Strength allergy, 2/10

HE FAST THO

I. Regret. Everything.

Can we get Rebecca a Steel, at least?

wait nah

then she gets doubled

by fuckwretched bandits

move over Bartre

I wanted to. I should have. Marcus lived this phase with 3 HP.

Dude's on 7 health

He's not even going for the fort

No, I can't explain it.

No, I don't kill him.

He just cavs around to the southeast part of the map

aaaaand that's it

"Come here, stranger. I must prove my EXCELLENCE!"

I prefer Silvers, more reliable. Still, the peasants have to grow somehow.

"I can't hear you over how DASHING I am!"

"DASHING."

Yeah. Short that DEF proc, we'd be up shit creek with no paddle.

That said, I have a PLAN

NOT THE PLAN

WHY IS FEEDING CHUMPS SO HARD

DEFINITELY NOT THE PLAN

I REGRET EVERYTHING

THE PLAN, SO GOOD

Also according to keikaku. Feed the geezer. Keep him strong.

It's not as if he has any other options.

IT'S TIME TO SUFFER, THAT'S WHAT TIME IT IS :DDDDDDDDDD

Name      Level   HP ST SK SP LK DE RS Wlvl, Supports
Hector     7.71   24 09 07 09 04 12 02 Ax B, Matthew B
Eliwood    3.62   20 06 07 09 09 06 00 Sw C
Marcus     2.60*  32 15 16 11 08 10 08 Sw A, Ln A, Ax B
Rebecca    3.29   18 04 07 07 05 03 02 Bw D
Dorcas     4.99   31 08 08 06 03 04 00 Ax C

Matthew   20.00   32 09 10 20 09 07 01 Sw D, Hector B
Everyone else: BASESBOIS

[Weeping Dalek (MK)]

Lol, totally keeping an eye on did crap