Introducing concept for a fantasy world/novel

[DragonFlames]

Hello, everyone.

I don't know if I mentioned this before, but I actually try my hand in writing from time to time. I have drafted the concept for a fantasy world, then wrote two stories with it, then gave up, because both stories ended up sucking - and ripping off anime/video games, but that's another can of worms that doesn't need opening right now -.

Then, I went back to the drawing board and came up with another concept, keeping ideas I liked from the first one and I think this one turned out pretty okay-ish.

If you want a reason for why I am telling you about this, there's two main reasons:

1. I just wanted to share my ideas with you guys and receive some feedback as to what can be improved/altered
2. I am in desperate need of names. I came up with everything, but names are the hard part. The really, really hard part. The reason for this is because I want the name to sound 'good' and be memorable at the same time. Finding ones that fit both criteria is really, really difficult, especially so for protagonists and antagonists.

With that out of the way, let's get started. I will put most things into bullet points and spoiler tags, so it doesn't end up being a wall of text for those kind souls that actually bother to read it.

General stuff:

Story title: The Hidden History of Nentikon

Subtitle: not decided yet

Basic plot: A princess wants to overthrow her evil grandfather to bring peace back to her kingdom.

About the world:

About Nentikon:

• A continent on the scale of Australia in terms of size
• Divided into 6 countries
• Houses all kinds of environments, but mainly forests, grasslands and mountains.
• Technological development at the same level of real life 16th century Europe.
• Fauna mostly consist of regular animals with the odd fantasy creature thrown in.

Humanoid races:

Humanoid races:

• Humans
  • The most common race. They can use basic magic, but are better suited to normal weapons. Phsyically, they look like... well, humans.
• Dwarves
  • They live in the mountain range and are mainly miners with high affinity for all kinds of technology. Every technological development was done by dwarves. They are greedy drunkards who pride themselves in their beards, even the females. They hate elves. Physically, they are small (although not as small as gnomes), have long beards regardless of gender and big noses.
• Elves
  • They live in a large forest and can be divided into three seperate tribes: the Forest Elves, the Lunar Elves and the Dark Elves. Forest Elves have superior eye sight and are excellent bow users and hunters. Lunar Elves have superior magic abilities, can use higher levels of elemental magic than humans or Forest Elves and are often the leaders of the other elves. Dark Elves are generally shunned by the other two tribes since they usually live in the shadows and practice dark magic such as necromancy. They are the most feared assassins on the continent and are regularly called the strongest elven tribe. All elves hate dwarves with a burning passion, which has led to many wars in the past. Physically, they are always rather tall, have pointy ears and are cited to be incredibly beautiful. Lunar elves in particular are revered for their pale white skin. They usually have very long lifespans, which vary from one tribe to another.
• Gnomes
  • They are nearly extinct after the last war almost wiped them out. They were great in alchemy and science, but their experiments usually ended up backfiring. They did have their own country once, but after the war wiped almost all of them out, the rest decided to live among humans. Physically, they have pointy ears and are usually bald.
• Faeries
  • A race of winged lolis and shotas, basically. They live in secluded areas and possess even greater magic powers than the elves do. There are many kinds of Faeries, some are kind, some mischevious and some are outright evil. Their most distinguishing features are white hair and red or yellow eyes as well as the butterfly wings on their backs, which they are capable of hiding. Like elves, they have very long life spans.

There are also Goblins and Trolls as far as humanoids go. They are identified by green skin and pointy ears. Goblins are small and have jagged teeth, while trolls are tall and look like humanoid pigs.

About the countries:

The countries

There are six countries in total.

• The Empire
  • The largest nation of Nentikon.
  • Situated in the west.
  • Founded after a war which took place 150 years ago, unifying many smaller duchies and kingdoms.
  • Ruled by an Imperial Family and a Senate.
  • Has the most powerful military in terms of size.
• The Kingdom
  • The story mainly takes place here
  • Situated in the southeast.
  • Ruled by a tyrant after said tyrant exiled his own son and killed his wife.
  • Went through many naturaly catastrophes, creating chaos.
  • Economically the weakest nation.
• The Theocracy
  • Ruled by the Church
  • Situated in the northeast.
  • Serves as a neutral power in wartime and peacetime alike.
  • The main cathedral is a common meeting place for influential people.
• The Elven Forest
  • Largest forest on the continent
  • Situated in the south.
  • Only elves live here
  • Has economic ties to all human nations.
  • Constantly at odds with the Dwarven Mountains.
• The Dwarven Mountains
  • Largest mountain range on the continent
  • Situated in the southwest.
  • Only dwarves live here
  • Also has economic ties to all human nations.
  • Constantly at odds with the Elven Forest
  • Source of many crucial materials, such as iron.
  • Started out as a mining nation.
• The Guild Town
  • Headquarters for all guilds of the continent.
  • Has no ties to other countries.
  • Situated in the center, between the Theocracy, the Kingdom and the Empire.

Eastern and western Nentikon are divided by another large mountain range that stretches from the north all the way to the south.

About religion:

Nentikons religion

In the past, there was a God, who turned evil and terrorized humans, elves, dwarves and gnomes. Then one day, six holy dragons appeared and sealed the God away, after which the church was founded. Each of the six dragons represent one of six elements and one of six virtues, and they are in turn worshipped by everyone.

Dragon #1

• Element: Wind
• Virtue: Compassion
• Worshipping country: The Empire

Dragon #2

• Element: Earth
• Virtue: Honor
• Worshipping country: The Guild Town

Dragon #3

• Element: Water
• Virtue: Wisdom
• Worshipping country: The Elven Forest

Dragon #4

• Element: Fire
• Virtue: Bravery
• Worshipping country: The Kingdom

Dragon #5

• Element: Light
• Virtue: Confidence
• Worshipping country: The Theocracy

Dragon #6

• Element: Darkness
• Virtue: Might
• Worshipping country: The Dwarven Mountains

About Magic:

With magic, virtually anything is possible, which is why there is a council that regulates the use of magic through strict moral concepts. It meets once a year or as soon as a new spell is discovered.

Magic uses so-called 'Magic Energy' (also known as 'Mana'), a type of energy that flows seperately from 'Life Energy' through the body of a person. The stronger the quantity of 'Magic Energy', the stronger the spells you can use.

It is divided into six basic elements. The element or elements you can use are decided at birth and it requires long and hard training to overcome this limitation.

The six elements are as follows:

• Fire
• Water
• Wind
• Earth
• Darkness
• Light

Each element opposes another.

• Fire opposes Water
• Wind opposes Earth
• Darkness opposes Light

Meaning that if you are born with a Fire element, you cannot learn or use the Water element and vice versa. The only exception to this rule are the Faeries and Phantoms (very powerful Monsters), who can potentially use all six elements.

There are also combined elements, which are usually restricted to those with very powerful Magic Energy flows. If you are born with a Combined Element, you can automatically use the Basic Elements from which it is formed as well. Combined Elements count as 'higher elements', thus it is pretty rare to see humans using them.

Combined Elements include:

• Ice (Water + Wind)
• Sand (Earth + Wind) => Faeries and Phantoms only
• Lightning (Fire + Wind)
• Mist (Water + Fire) => Faeries and Phantoms only
• Magma (Fire + Earth)
• Wood (Earth + Water)

There are also higher Combined Elements, usable only by Faeries, Phantoms and the most powerful of Lunar Elves.

• Chaos (Light + Darkness)
• Inferno (Fire + Darkness)
• Genesis (Water + Light)
• Storm (Lightning (Fire + Wind) + Water)
• Magnetism (Lightning (Fire + Wind) + Earth)

There are many types of magic that are completely forbidden, because they either violate the rules set by the Council of Magic or are too dangerous for the user. Spells that are forbidden include:

• Summoning dead people
• Transferring one's life to someone else
• Replicating life or money
• Casting natural catastrophes or causing sickness
• Time travel
• Creating new life

If you've made it this far and read through everything, then you have my sincerest thanks. As I said, feel free to give me any feedback, any name suggestion (characters, countries, religion), anything you'd like to add and/or any character suggestion you have after reading through this. If I end up using your suggestion, you will of course get credited for it if I really decide to publish this.

[Augestein]

Alright, I read it, so I'll comment on it:

1) Why do Dwarves and Elves hate each other? This is one of those things that feels like a Tolkenism for the sake of having a Tolkenism. There's no background for it either, they just... Hate each other. I'm fine with races generally disliking each other, but not without some form of explanation. People don't just fight because they don't like each other, they have to hope to gain something from it. Do they truly wish to commit genocide on the other race? And why are they fine with hating each other but no one else like this?

2) Something that always bothered me is the Elf bias in a lot of fantastical worlds. These are so detailed comparatively to everyone else. At that point, why not call these "Elves" different races? They clearly aren't the same in their cultures and backgrounds and practices. Compare humans to that, we have no general concept of "human" outside of. "There and can do everything with a physical bias."

3) Gnomes? What war? The War. Needs a name and a place in history so we're knowing just how recent this war was that almost wiped them out. And more pressingly, am I to believe that humans and gnomes live together perfectly fine? So are human reputations in this world good? Or are the humans just indifferent to gnomes?

4) Also, I'd like to know more about Goblin and Troll culture outside of their appearance.

5) We have 7 races primarily (with 2 being unlisted really), and 6 countries. Outside of "The Elven Country" and "Dwarven Mountains," we don't know any of the compositions of the races in the countries. For instance, if humans hail from the other 4, and Gnomes live with humans and are in ALL of these 4 countries, the Gnomes aren't doing too bad in terms of population despite almost being wiped out. It stands to reason that even as a minority, they might actually outnumber Dwarves and Elves for instance if they literally exist in 4 different countries possibly.

6) Is the religion just a myth or did that actually happen? Seems pretty real if 6 countries all believe in it-- but why are they willing to divide the religion up in different countries? Do they simply not believe in the other virtues? Why do they not adopt the rest of them and host them in one town? What's happening with each town representing a virtue is awkward in this case. It's not like Ultima for instance where each place praises a virtue and ALL of them are city-states of a kingdom giving them sort of unity-- here all of the virtues are segregated. I'm at a lost for how/why this could/would even happen. Are the dragons still alive? Or are they just deities that the people believe in?

7) Magic is magic, so I can't really say much about them outside of Phantoms. What exactly makes them able to use all elements? What's the source of their power? Ditto for fairies. Those things need an entry tbh. The history of magic is interesting enough to give more detail about the CoM. How did something like that get established for forbidden magic and the like? Is it run by all races? Just humans? What? The make-up of magic is fine and since it's magic doesn't really need an explanation, but people around it? Definitely.

[Shuuda]

My apologies in advance, because I'm going to be really nasty about this. I'm going to be urging you to stop on this course and reconsider everything.

Your idea here sounds generic and void of any significant creative thought. It reads like something I'd find a run of the mill video game RPG, if you know what I mean. I say it like that because from the sounds of it you're trying to avoid that problem, but here you're walking straight into it.

Your so called world building is basically just you stealing from all the other generic fantasy books (that stole their ideas from Tolkien). Your plot is the white nose of fantasy stories, and you've given me no reason to care about the characters you've offered (if anything, the use of "evil grandfather" simply convinces me that the morality in your story is going to be deep as spit).

These ideas are little beyond an amalgamation of the most bland and repeated cliches in fantasy

I say these things because I'm certain you could come up with something miles better if you put your back into it. You shouldn't sell yourself short by just blindly copying a bunch of other bad writers.

Write something that's you, not every hack fantasy writer ever.

Edited November 17, 2016 by Shuuda

[Augestein]

My apologies in advance, because I'm going to be really nasty about this. I'm going to be urging you to stop on this course and reconsider everything.

Your idea here sounds generic and void of any significant creative thought. It reads like something I'd find a run of the mill video game RPG, if you know what I mean. I say it like that because from the sounds of it you're trying to avoid that problem, but here you're walking straight into it.

Your so called world building is basically just you stealing from all the other generic fantasy books (that stole their ideas from Tolkien). Your plot is the white nose of fantasy stories, and you've given me no reason to care about the characters you've offered (if anything, the use of "evil grandfather" simply convinces me that the morality in your story is going to be deep as spit).

These ideas are little beyond an amalgamation of the most bland and repeated cliches in fantasy

I say these things because I'm certain you could come up with something miles better if you put your back into it. You shouldn't sell yourself short by just blindly copying a bunch of other bad writers.

Write something that's you, not every hack fantasy writer ever.

Well that's the thing, it's a basic concept, so of course it's not going to sound very interesting at its base. The problem is not the races or necessarily the basic setup, it's that there's not enough details to anything to make it have much in terms of things, much less tie into the princess wanting to overthrow her evil grandfather (of which we don't even know which nation it is) . That's why instead you ask questions to goad the person into fleshing out their own basic ideas.

At base, it does have potential with things like the dragons and the magical setup-- ie, do the dragons and the magical abilities have anything to do with each other? To expand on this let me begin: let's suppose we continue rolling with the author's "born under a fire element" scenario. A person that's born under fire cannot use water elements unless they are a fairy or a phantom, but this begs the question of why? Why are fairies and phantoms blessed with this power? If so, you'd think that fairies would be the most powerful and successful race on the account that they can pretty much conjure spells of everyone else's wildest dreams-- or at least, requires two individual entities to work in conjunction with one another. If that's the case, why are fairies not more powerful? Especially if magic is apparently so powerful in this world that there needs to be a group of powers that keep this magic in check. And why would the fairies even agree to this? Sounds like the other races are just upset that they aren't the master race and can't do these wonderful spells and wish to keep the fairies from reaching their true potential. See, now we have something kind of original. People just out and out fear fairies in this world-- they'd have to, as these spells that fairies can do alone people have to work together with each other. Fairies in this world are badass in their setup here. A far cry from Tolkenisms there. Fairies aren't even really a thing in them tbh. And the fairies seem more like djinn than anything else here.

Even stranger is that we went on a tangent AWAY from a person born under the fire. Is a person born under a fire element because they are from The Kingdom? Because that'd be interesting if like celestial forces caused a person to be born under certain elements. I could see crazed wizards, kings, empresses, vassals etc. going on pilgrimages to try to breed a line of children born under different elements to bring more glory to themselves or continue to expand on their magical resources (immoral yes, but who cares, magic is like...Everything in this world). But if the element a person is born under is not based on the place they were born, this begs the question of whether it's genetic or not. If it's genetic, what causes a person to be born in such ways? Are they actually birthed from the dragons themselves? What in the hell is happening here? And monsters? So are monsters born under different elements too? And what exactly constitutes a "powerful monster?" And if it's genetic, why not try to fuse with a monster? If one were to fuse with a monster or become some sort of hybrid (through breeding for instance), then couldn't a different race in theory, gain access to all elements? Or is this simply not possible?

But we're still not done with this born under an element thing: can a person be born with NO elements? Like can a person be born with no mana and have absolutely no mana energy? And speaking of that, how is magical energy different from life energy? Like... Can a magical spell not heal a person then? Because one would think that because a person has more magical energy that equates to more magical power than more life energy would equate to more... Life force? So does that mean that elves have more life energy than other races sans fairies? Or does it mean that humans have the same amount of life energy but simply exert more life energy over a shorter period of time. Because depending on how this is done, this could mean that the races with longer life spans are actually weaker in some aspect if life energy is particularly a powerful force. This also ties into necromancy in this world, is that manipulating magical energy or life energy? Especially because of the fact that replication of life is apparently possible in this world. Does that mean that life energy can be created at will? If so, doesn't that mean a person that doesn't follow the rules of CoM could in theory live forever? Creating new lifeforms and transferring their mind/soul into a being that has a set of life energy that they created?

I mean, shoot. None of this was even made up from stuff that specifically wasn't already listened in those bullet points. (as in, they weren't things that I just added because I could) And I'm not even done asking questions on these things, because all I can see is that potentially this world is absolutely batshit insane. If expanded in the right way, it could be pretty good because of how insane the base setup can potentially be. Remember, just because the premise is some girl trying to get her kingdom back doesn't mean that we don't find out the evil grandfather was doing evil shit because he's willing to be called "evil" by the history books because he's trying to protect his people and the girl is just too naive and ignorant to understand why the grandfather did/does what he's doing. Like maybe the grandfather is aware that the seal the dragons made is breaking and so he's doing stuff to prepare for the broken seal that's happening. Maybe the grandfather is actually trying to bring back the old god that actually wasn't evil and instead was merely defeated by the 6 dragons. Maybe no one is evil and the god just lost and the grandfather wants to bring the god back? Also, why is the grandfather in control of the kingdom and not the father and mother or even the freaking princess herself if her parents are out of commission? That actually sounds like a story in and of itself for why the princess wasn't put on the throne and instead the grandfather. I'd wager this "princess" isn't even actually a princess or if she is, she's probably like a princess that was born from the shagging of the queen/king and the butler/maid. Or maybe the grandfather is evil, nothing wrong with having a black villain in a tale. Maybe the grandfather isn't the actual focus of the story.

Premises do not need to be original. The setup is fine. It needs an expansion. It's good that he at least has the brainstorming down for a base concept. Base concepts pretty much universally sound like ass.

Edited November 18, 2016 by Augestein

[DragonFlames]

Alright, I read it, so I'll comment on it:

1) Why do Dwarves and Elves hate each other? This is one of those things that feels like a Tolkenism for the sake of having a Tolkenism. There's no background for it either, they just... Hate each other. I'm fine with races generally disliking each other, but not without some form of explanation. People don't just fight because they don't like each other, they have to hope to gain something from it. Do they truly wish to commit genocide on the other race? And why are they fine with hating each other but no one else like this?

2) Something that always bothered me is the Elf bias in a lot of fantastical worlds. These are so detailed comparatively to everyone else. At that point, why not call these "Elves" different races? They clearly aren't the same in their cultures and backgrounds and practices. Compare humans to that, we have no general concept of "human" outside of. "There and can do everything with a physical bias."

3) Gnomes? What war? The War. Needs a name and a place in history so we're knowing just how recent this war was that almost wiped them out. And more pressingly, am I to believe that humans and gnomes live together perfectly fine? So are human reputations in this world good? Or are the humans just indifferent to gnomes?

4) Also, I'd like to know more about Goblin and Troll culture outside of their appearance.

5) We have 7 races primarily (with 2 being unlisted really), and 6 countries. Outside of "The Elven Country" and "Dwarven Mountains," we don't know any of the compositions of the races in the countries. For instance, if humans hail from the other 4, and Gnomes live with humans and are in ALL of these 4 countries, the Gnomes aren't doing too bad in terms of population despite almost being wiped out. It stands to reason that even as a minority, they might actually outnumber Dwarves and Elves for instance if they literally exist in 4 different countries possibly.

6) Is the religion just a myth or did that actually happen? Seems pretty real if 6 countries all believe in it-- but why are they willing to divide the religion up in different countries? Do they simply not believe in the other virtues? Why do they not adopt the rest of them and host them in one town? What's happening with each town representing a virtue is awkward in this case. It's not like Ultima for instance where each place praises a virtue and ALL of them are city-states of a kingdom giving them sort of unity-- here all of the virtues are segregated. I'm at a lost for how/why this could/would even happen. Are the dragons still alive? Or are they just deities that the people believe in?

7) Magic is magic, so I can't really say much about them outside of Phantoms. What exactly makes them able to use all elements? What's the source of their power? Ditto for fairies. Those things need an entry tbh. The history of magic is interesting enough to give more detail about the CoM. How did something like that get established for forbidden magic and the like? Is it run by all races? Just humans? What? The make-up of magic is fine and since it's magic doesn't really need an explanation, but people around it? Definitely.

Well that's the thing, it's a basic concept, so of course it's not going to sound very interesting at its base. The problem is not the races or necessarily the basic setup, it's that there's not enough details to anything to make it have much in terms of things, much less tie into the princess wanting to overthrow her evil grandfather (of which we don't even know which nation it is) . That's why instead you ask questions to goad the person into fleshing out their own basic ideas.

At base, it does have potential with things like the dragons and the magical setup-- ie, do the dragons and the magical abilities have anything to do with each other? To expand on this let me begin: let's suppose we continue rolling with the author's "born under a fire element" scenario. A person that's born under fire cannot use water elements unless they are a fairy or a phantom, but this begs the question of why? Why are fairies and phantoms blessed with this power? If so, you'd think that fairies would be the most powerful and successful race on the account that they can pretty much conjure spells of everyone else's wildest dreams-- or at least, requires two individual entities to work in conjunction with one another. If that's the case, why are fairies not more powerful? Especially if magic is apparently so powerful in this world that there needs to be a group of powers that keep this magic in check. And why would the fairies even agree to this? Sounds like the other races are just upset that they aren't the master race and can't do these wonderful spells and wish to keep the fairies from reaching their true potential. See, now we have something kind of original. People just out and out fear fairies in this world-- they'd have to, as these spells that fairies can do alone people have to work together with each other. Fairies in this world are badass in their setup here. A far cry from Tolkenisms there. Fairies aren't even really a thing in them tbh. And the fairies seem more like djinn than anything else here.

Even stranger is that we went on a tangent AWAY from a person born under the fire. Is a person born under a fire element because they are from The Kingdom? Because that'd be interesting if like celestial forces caused a person to be born under certain elements. I could see crazed wizards, kings, empresses, vassals etc. going on pilgrimages to try to breed a line of children born under different elements to bring more glory to themselves or continue to expand on their magical resources (immoral yes, but who cares, magic is like...Everything in this world). But if the element a person is born under is not based on the place they were born, this begs the question of whether it's genetic or not. If it's genetic, what causes a person to be born in such ways? Are they actually birthed from the dragons themselves? What in the hell is happening here? And monsters? So are monsters born under different elements too? And what exactly constitutes a "powerful monster?" And if it's genetic, why not try to fuse with a monster? If one were to fuse with a monster or become some sort of hybrid (through breeding for instance), then couldn't a different race in theory, gain access to all elements? Or is this simply not possible?

But we're still not done with this born under an element thing: can a person be born with NO elements? Like can a person be born with no mana and have absolutely no mana energy? And speaking of that, how is magical energy different from life energy? Like... Can a magical spell not heal a person then? Because one would think that because a person has more magical energy that equates to more magical power than more life energy would equate to more... Life force? So does that mean that elves have more life energy than other races sans fairies? Or does it mean that humans have the same amount of life energy but simply exert more life energy over a shorter period of time. Because depending on how this is done, this could mean that the races with longer life spans are actually weaker in some aspect if life energy is particularly a powerful force. This also ties into necromancy in this world, is that manipulating magical energy or life energy? Especially because of the fact that replication of life is apparently possible in this world. Does that mean that life energy can be created at will? If so, doesn't that mean a person that doesn't follow the rules of CoM could in theory live forever? Creating new lifeforms and transferring their mind/soul into a being that has a set of life energy that they created?

I mean, shoot. None of this was even made up from stuff that specifically wasn't already listened in those bullet points. (as in, they weren't things that I just added because I could) And I'm not even done asking questions on these things, because all I can see is that potentially this world is absolutely batshit insane. If expanded in the right way, it could be pretty good because of how insane the base setup can potentially be. Remember, just because the premise is some girl trying to get her kingdom back doesn't mean that we don't find out the evil grandfather was doing evil shit because he's willing to be called "evil" by the history books because he's trying to protect his people and the girl is just too naive and ignorant to understand why the grandfather did/does what he's doing. Like maybe the grandfather is aware that the seal the dragons made is breaking and so he's doing stuff to prepare for the broken seal that's happening. Maybe the grandfather is actually trying to bring back the old god that actually wasn't evil and instead was merely defeated by the 6 dragons. Maybe no one is evil and the god just lost and the grandfather wants to bring the god back? Also, why is the grandfather in control of the kingdom and not the father and mother or even the freaking princess herself if her parents are out of commission? That actually sounds like a story in and of itself for why the princess wasn't put on the throne and instead the grandfather. I'd wager this "princess" isn't even actually a princess or if she is, she's probably like a princess that was born from the shagging of the queen/king and the butler/maid. Or maybe the grandfather is evil, nothing wrong with having a black villain in a tale. Maybe the grandfather isn't the actual focus of the story.

Premises do not need to be original. The setup is fine. It needs an expansion. It's good that he at least has the brainstorming down for a base concept. Base concepts pretty much universally sound like ass.

First off, thank you for taking the time to read it! To both of you, who replied, actually!

And thank you, Augenstein, for your detailed reply! That really helps!

I will write your questions and suggestions down, so I can mull over them and flesh out my concept a bit more! Thank you very, very much!

[Shuuda]

Well that's the thing, it's a basic concept, so of course it's not going to sound very interesting at its base.

I'm inclinded to disagree. When you try to convince a publisher or editor to take on your story, it's that one sentence summary that could be make or break. If you can't make a story sound appealing at the highest level, then most people aren't going to bother reading any further. Since I'm putting so much emphasis on it, I should at least try to offer some fixes.

Basic plot: A princess wants to overthrow her evil grandfather to bring peace back to her kingdom.

So, I'll start at the first words. You really should try to give us some impression of who this princess character is, even just a single descriptior can do it. For example is she the "brave princess", or the "cowardly princess"? Both of those descriptions offer very different impressions of the character, and thus the tone of the story.

"Wants to overthrow" is fine. It's a motivation for the protagonist.

The other issue here is the "evil grandfather". Maybe it's just me, but seeing a character straight up described as "evil" really turns me off. It's the kind of language I'd expect from a very naive story. Even if this character is a right piece of work, you should at least find a slightly more subtle way of presenting it.

I've avoided listing a whole bunch of points on the world building because I honestly don't think it's that important. There's something I cut out from my first post which I realise I should've left in. Stories are made up of three things; plot, character, and setting. Of those three, plot and character are the most important. No amount of world building can make a story interesting if the characters and plot aren't worth reading about. By contrast if your characters are charismatic enough, or if the plot is intriguing, the setting could be an empty room and it could still work.

This is why I think you should back to this basic plot and refine it more. Drawing people into the world will be easier if they're invested in what's happening and they care about the characters.

So I suppose I should go onto world building.

It's possible to execute things like elves and elemental magic well, but it would take something special to breath new life into these worn out cliches. You're always going to be fighting against peoples preconviced notions about these elements, always "no, no! My elves are different! I swear!". If you go to lengths to truely make your incarnations different, then at some point I'd have to ask "why not go one step further and make something entirely new?"

I think it would be worth stepping back and asking some more fundamental questions about your world building.

Why are you putting these races into your world? Why not just humans? Why humans at all? Why not other races? Why humanoid?

Why are you using this kind of magic? Or even magic at all?

What are you hoping to accomplish with these things?

Of course, I'm not suggesting that you shouldn't have these things, but I think you should really examine why you're putting them in. My suspicion is that your reasons for having them, or at least part of the reason, is because you're writing a fantasy, and fantasy has these things. If so, then that would explain why what your writing comes across as being too video game/anime. Once you find the answers to questions like these, I think it'll be easier to decide what'll work for your story and what won't.

Premises do not need to be original.

That is ultimately true, but I feel there should at least be an aspiration of orginality. I'd hate to think that there are writers out there who sit down and say "I'm going to write something totally derivative and not contribute anything of my own".

At the very least, if you're going to copy something, you could take ideas that haven't been worked to death already.

[Augestein]

I'm inclinded to disagree. When you try to convince a publisher or editor to take on your story, it's that one sentence summary that could be make or break. If you can't make a story sound appealing at the highest level, then most people aren't going to bother reading any further. Since I'm putting so much emphasis on it, I should at least try to offer some fixes.

But in this case, I think they are trying to brainstorm. So in that regard, it's better for it to be simpler in concept. Having too many adjectives already forces their hand for what their character is like if they haven't entirely established the character yet. So leaving out the adjective is a good thing here.

As for the story having plot and characters being the most interesting aspects, I'm not so sure about that, it depends on the concept of the story. For instance, Animal Farm doesn't have particularly interesting characters, and the plot isn't particularly interesting so much as it is to drive home a point at the end of the story. Its goal is to cause the reader to reflect on what they just read.

And world building lends itself credence to the characters AND the plot. Building a strong setting can actually begin to shape your world and lend to a believable world where the audience doesn't have to suspend their disbelief as much. If the world is a cool enough place, people might continue to read because they like the crazy world crafted by the writer.

This is why I think you should back to this basic plot and refine it more. Drawing people into the world will be easier if they're invested in what's happening and they care about the characters.

On the flip side, not having a world doesn't grant the reader any real sense of scope or scale and can leave them uninterested because they don't have any real sense of the world because the world seems to only exist in regard to what the main characters need or want.

That's why I said things need an explanation. Because without them, nothing happens. If (s)he explains things, the world will begin to become established and with that, possible characters and motivations. Some people build their stories differently. Some people start from a character and then expand the world around them, some people start with a world and then expand that world and place characters within it, and some people just make situations and then place certain types of character situations. It's clear that the person making this story wants to concentrate more on the world initially than necessarily the characters, hence why there's more substance about the world (which could still stand to be detailed more), instead of the characters which there hasn't even been a single character named outside of a princess and a grandfather-- which don't even have names right now. It's still clearly in the infantile stages of creation. Which is why I asked questioned to make them establish a world where they could fit things into place. What you did would literally be like if I asked:

Me: "What would you think of a concept where I have a this?" "A knight takes up arms against a corrupt government."

And your immediate response is:

You: "nope."

Not "okay, what does the knight do? Why is he fighting the government?" "What makes the government corrupt?"

Thing is, I wouldn't actually tell this person to go back and hit the brainstorming stage and "start over" so to speak when (s)he never even left the initial phase. Because harping about cliches is something that's never NOT going to happen for instance. Like... I don't understand why you're even asking why the writer wants magic in their story. The answer is obvious "because they like the concept of magic and want it in their story." We aren't asking for fixing of plotholes or even strange character motivations, but simply... "Go back and make a story that doesn't have these things in it." And my response to that is "why?"The inverse holds true to ask why they shouldn't have these things as opposed to why they should. This person has actually done more for a base concept than I would have actually expected. It's still not enough to start a story, but it's enough for me to actually give a response to. So in that regard, it's actually done a decent bit.

[DragonFlames]

But in this case, I think they are trying to brainstorm. So in that regard, it's better for it to be simpler in concept. Having too many adjectives already forces their hand for what their character is like if they haven't entirely established the character yet. So leaving out the adjective is a good thing here.

As for the story having plot and characters being the most interesting aspects, I'm not so sure about that, it depends on the concept of the story. For instance, Animal Farm doesn't have particularly interesting characters, and the plot isn't particularly interesting so much as it is to drive home a point at the end of the story. Its goal is to cause the reader to reflect on what they just read.

And world building lends itself credence to the characters AND the plot. Building a strong setting can actually begin to shape your world and lend to a believable world where the audience doesn't have to suspend their disbelief as much. If the world is a cool enough place, people might continue to read because they like the crazy world crafted by the writer.

On the flip side, not having a world doesn't grant the reader any real sense of scope or scale and can leave them uninterested because they don't have any real sense of the world because the world seems to only exist in regard to what the main characters need or want.

That's why I said things need an explanation. Because without them, nothing happens. If (s)he explains things, the world will begin to become established and with that, possible characters and motivations. Some people build their stories differently. Some people start from a character and then expand the world around them, some people start with a world and then expand that world and place characters within it, and some people just make situations and then place certain types of character situations. It's clear that the person making this story wants to concentrate more on the world initially than necessarily the characters, hence why there's more substance about the world (which could still stand to be detailed more), instead of the characters which there hasn't even been a single character named outside of a princess and a grandfather-- which don't even have names right now. It's still clearly in the infantile stages of creation. Which is why I asked questioned to make them establish a world where they could fit things into place. What you did would literally be like if I asked:

Me: "What would you think of a concept where I have a this?" "A knight takes up arms against a corrupt government."

And your immediate response is:

You: "nope."

Not "okay, what does the knight do? Why is he fighting the government?" "What makes the government corrupt?"

Thing is, I wouldn't actually tell this person to go back and hit the brainstorming stage and "start over" so to speak when (s)he never even left the initial phase. Because harping about cliches is something that's never NOT going to happen for instance. Like... I don't understand why you're even asking why the writer wants magic in their story. The answer is obvious "because they like the concept of magic and want it in their story." We aren't asking for fixing of plotholes or even strange character motivations, but simply... "Go back and make a story that doesn't have these things in it." And my response to that is "why?"The inverse holds true to ask why they shouldn't have these things as opposed to why they should. This person has actually done more for a base concept than I would have actually expected. It's still not enough to start a story, but it's enough for me to actually give a response to. So in that regard, it's actually done a decent bit.

Yup, I want to build a believable world first, before I go into actual plot or characters. The 'base plot' I listed is just a rough sketch of what the story would be about.

And I went back and drafted up a reason for elves and dwarves to hate each other beyond 'They're supposed to, since they are elves and dwarves', which directly ties into why there is a Council of Magic, why the gnomes have been decimated and why the Empire exists:

The elves have always seen themselves as the only race worthy of using magic, since - aside from the Faeries - they have the largest amount of Magical Energy within them. They have always worked closely with the gnomes, who are versed in alchemy - which is basically artificial magic - by funding their research and using it for their own benefit. Since gnomes are naturally curious, they researched the origin of magic, which sparked the elves' interest, since they think that by finding out where magic came from, they could become even stronger.

One of these researches 160 years prior led to the gnomes finding a special kind of crystal in a large mountain range to the west. This special crystal bears magical energy inside of it and can be used to amplify a persons magical energy. The elven king, interested in this prospect, ordered a small group to go and fetch this special crystal. During this quest, the research team found that the mountains were inhabited by big-bearded and large-nosed little people, dubbed 'dwarves', who didn't have a civilisation back then. The elves then found out, that the crystal they were after could only be found deep within the mountain and that they didn't have the means to get it without destroying it in the process because of too powerful spells being required to blast through the mountains. They then noticed that the dwarves were naturally strong and well suited to using and making tools to dig caves into the mountains, were they then lived. The elven king decided to use that ability to his advantage and thus ordered his soldiers to invade the mountains and demonstrate their power to subsequently enslave the dwarves to make them get the crystals for the elves. This was the birth of the mining culture of the dwarves.

The dwarves mined the crystals for the elves who in turn used them to amplify their own power and create new spells and - in secret - started developing a new kind of weapon that would revolutionize warfare.

One day, by pure coincidence, the gnomes found out that the elves had enslaved a race not unlike their own: small and unable to use magic. This led to the gnomes feeling some kind of familiarity with the dwarves and they started to have second thoughts about telling the elves about the crystals and the land in which they can be found, since this had led to an entire race being enslaved.

Eventually, these second thoughts got the better of the chieftain of the gnomes, who then reached out to the dwarves - who by then had discovered alcohol as a means of escape from their constant suffering - and told them that it was his mistake that led to their pain and apologized to them. Surprisingly, the dwarves weren't angry with him and instead asked him to help them get rid of their oppressors, to which the gnome chieftain gladly complied. Thus, a rebellion was launched, in which the dwarves, together with the gnomes, used their knowledge of technology and alchemy together to oppose the powerful elven magic. This in turn enraged the king of the elves, who then ordered the launch of the newest weapon: the magic cannon, powered by several magic crystals, which serves to amplify and weaponize pure magic energy. With this, the elves were able to completely raze the gnome country and make it sink into the sea, leaving only a few of the gnomes alive.

The very few survivors then fled to the Kingdom and Duchy, who offered their help in subduing the king of the elves, while the few nations that would later form the Empire decided to help the elves because of the economic contracts they had with them. The war lasted a full ten years with weapons and magic becoming increasingly stronger and deadlier and it only ended after a guild of assassins run by a Dark Elf butchered the tyrannical elf king, putting an end to the one who caused the conflict in the first place.

His successor then offered an apology to the gnomes and dwarves alike and officially set the dwarves free from their slavery, upon which they founded their own nation in the mountains. To honor the deaths of their gnome friends, the dwarves opted to advance the technology they had developed together.

The new elf king also ordered the destruction of the magic cannon so that it couldn't be used again and established the Council of Magic together with the neutral church, the few gnome survivors, the other humans and even the dwarves to regulate the use of magic and preventing anything like a magic cannon from happening again.

He did attempt to make peace with the dwarves, but the memory of slavery and oppression was still fresh in their minds. While a peace treaty was made, both dwarves - who had been enslaved and oppressed - and elves - who had been soundly defeated by 'inferior people' - were still not ready to forgive each other yet and tension remained between the two races, although through the next century, there were no further armed conflicts between them.

At the same time, the western human countries banded together to form the Empire after they had fought and lost together in the war. They are still regarded with critical eyes by the rest of the world.