[FE10] Reunion

[Armaada J]

So despite Radiant Dawn being my third favorite game in the series, one of my gripes with it is the amount of story relevant stuff that happens in the narration. One particular scene I would have loved to see was the reunion between Reyson, Leanne, and Rafiel. So, I decided to write my idea of how that reunion, and the subsequent decision to invade Bengion, would have gone. I'll plan to post one chapter a week. I'd love any constructive criticism you guys can offer (in this thread), whether it's writing style, grammar, or characterization. Hope you all enjoy reading it as much as I did writing it!

Edited March 4, 2017 by Forged Thoron

[Armaada J]

Reunion Chapter 1: No Longer Alone

Heron laguz were known for their serenity and calm, yet Rafiel had never been more anxious in his entire life. Even though he and the small group that escorted him had left Daein some weeks ago, the approaching moment still felt like a dream. For twenty-three years, Rafiel had lived across the desert, believing himself to be alone, and the last of his kind. And now, for the first time, he felt hope. In 24 hours, the day that he and his family were reunited would finally come. “A day I never dared hope for, and yet it here I am”, Rafiel thought to himself. A million thoughts clashed in Rafiel’s mind before he was awoken from his thoughts by a voice that was now as familiar to him as his own.

“Rafiel, what are you doing out and about so late? You must get some sleep; you’ll need your energy to complete the journey to Gallia.” Rafiel turned around and smiled. He silently acknowledged an error in his previous thoughts: he had not been completely alone during his many years away from home. Nailah, Wolf Queen of Hatari, who found Rafiel in the desert, and had taken and nursed him to health. As Rafiel’s fragile persona was a stark contrast to the fierce nature of wolves, Nailah had grown aggressively protective of her partner, and prioritized his health and wellbeing. Rafiel quickly made his way back to camp with her.

“I’m sorry to have worried you Nailah,” Rafiel said. “I haven’t been able to think of anything else but my siblings and father. For so long I believed all of the other herons to have been killed in the Serenes massacre. To when I learned from Sothe that some of my family still lived, I felt as though I had finally gained purpose again.” This of course, had been the catalyst for their journey. After the war in Daein ended, Rafiel and Nailah had set off for Gallia, where Rafiel’s surviving siblings, Reyson and Leanne, lived with their elderly father, King Lorazieh, as guests of the Lion King Caineghis. Word had already been sent ahead to Gallia of the party’s approach, and they would meet with an envoy in the morning to complete the journey. At their camp, Rafiel and Nailah found their other companions awake around the fire. Tormod, the young fire mage, stoked the flames while his laguz friends stood off to the side. Muarim, the Tiger that had raised Tormod, never let his eyes wander from his young ward, while Vika the Raven seemed to peer into every corner of the forest, always paranoid of an attack. Tormod gleefully waved the two over.

“Hey, you guys wanna eat? I just cooked up the last of our meat from Daein.” He offered up a plate of charred meat to the laguz. Unsurprisingly, Refiel was the only one who declined.

“Perhaps I should get some sleep,” Rafiel said sheepishly. “I really must conserve my strength.” Nailah playfully cocked her eyebrow at him while Muarim nodded with approval.

“Wise choice Heron. Some of us ought to follow your example.” He looked pointedly at Tormod, who willfully ignored him by stuffing his face with food. Rafiel quickly bid goodnight to everyone and withdrew to his tent. But as he drifted off to sleep the thought that had dominated his thoughts for weeks continued to loop through his head. “I am not alone. I am not alone. I am not alone.”

[Rafiel's Aria]

Hi there! I haven't really ever given feedback on fanfics before, but I thought I might try this time. I enjoy any writing about herons. :3 ...well, I guess the username is kind of a dead giveaway. I'm looking forward to seeing where you go with this. ^^ 

As far as characterization goes, I can't say I have any complaints. The overall voice of the characters introduced is good. Oddly enough, the strongest bit of characterization is at the end with Muarim. His bit of dialogue and Tormod's reaction are really good examples of showing and not telling. I get a strong sense of their relationship. In contrast, you do more explaining than showing, and I don't get a strong sense of what kind of relationship you want them to have. Strong friendship? Romantic? Mother/son? Liege/Retainer? I only really know that Nailah cares for Rafiel. 

I touched a little bit on writing style with the "showing not telling" thing I mentioned before. A lot of this is exposition which is fine if your readers don't know the details of the game. But for the most part, a lot of the details you have are basically review for fans. You could easily reveal details of the past through dialogue which also helps with characterization. For example, Nailah and Rafiel could have an extended conversation and share a moment to develop whatever relationship you'd like them to have which gives the readers a sense of where the story is starting as well as how you choose to portray the characters which makes it a little stronger than merely narrating the past. 

Your grammar is pretty good, but I did notice several errors as I was reading. If you'd like, I could point them out, but I think some careful editing might find them as well. Sometimes people like to find mistakes themselves, and sometimes they like the extra help. I'll leave it up to you! Like I said, I'm pretty excited to see where you go with this. And I hope this was helpful. ^^

[Armaada J]

Thanks for the feedback! I was actually writing this with the possibility of non-fans reading it in mind, but it occurs to me that that wouldn't really happen if I'm posting it here . I may actually go back and revise it before I publish Chapter 2. Also, I was thinking about doing each chapter from a different character's perspective.

[Rafiel's Aria]

If you want non-fans to read it, you'd certainly have to find a place where it would get traffic from non-fans. I'm not quite sure where you would do that unless you had a personal blog. DeviantART might work depending on what kind of groups you advertised it in.

If you want to rewrite it, go ahead! However, it's your choice. If you're happy with it, you don't have to listen to me. XD When I'm writing, sometimes it's just easiest to finish writing something all the way through before I start the rewriting process. I tend to lose motivation if I get stuck on a chapter.

As for the different perspectives, that's a pretty tricky technique. On one hand, you can get a feel for a lot of characters. On the other, you can also lose a sense of purpose. You said you wanted to write about the heron siblings' reunion, so a story like this makes sense from the perspective of the herons but maybe not as much from Tormod. You may lose the impact of an emotional reunion by failing to focus on Rafiel's thoughts and emotions leading up to it. There are ways to make it work, but it may be a little tricky. Jumping around from perspective to perspective is a lot of fun nonetheless. If you choose to go with that, I'd recommend picking a few "main characters" to focus on instead of trying to circulate through a large portion of the RD cast.