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Let's Play Final Fantasy Tactics (WOTL): The Nadir of Videogames


Parrhesia
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Everyone loves screenshots! Screenshots they will be.

Also I've run out of buffer. It's the end of the semester, and that means assignments and panic. I should really be focusing on a couple due next week in particular, so expect somewhere up to a week's hiatus before the last updates - one or two to clear out the last subquests, then two for the story finale itself.

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On 5/5/2017 at 4:08 PM, Parrhesia said:

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this

this is my aeshetic

mercurio doing the obvious thing for the lying, cheating enemies

having them immediately turn out to have lied and cheated

throwing his arms up and yelling

WE ARE DECEIVED

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In lieu of an update today I have discovered that there is an FFT Randomiser. I'm not going to play it because a cursory google search unlocked peak... it.

expect an update tomorrow

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I'd honestly consider it but it's only for PS1 FFT which is a buggy mess that I can't be bothered to get working. Maybe sometime in the future!

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Update 47
In Which We Clear Up Loose Ends

Spoiler

 

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Wow, guess who also can't die?

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Mercurio just looking around like; 'wow'.

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Mercurio has killed five dudes, three spooky boys and his zombie brother today but this is what shocks him.

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Man, we don't even really try to save him.

Anyway, as anyone with a basic sense of narrative will know, the game will end at Orbonne. So it's time to mop up the remaining sidequests.

...
. . .
.  .  .
.    .    .
.          .         .
..................................
.
ELEVEN DAYS LATER

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Anyway I guess Ovelia's still in th

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Okay I don't know why this is happening but it triggered the moment I hit uhhhh fuck idk I wasn't expecting a scene here

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how exactly did we find her

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Delita has no guards I guess and we could seriously just spirit her away

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Then again, if we opposed Delita in any meaningful way or impeded him significantly... no, no, that just wouldn't do.

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Wouldn't do at all.

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I guess Delita Technically isn't our enemy and there's no reason to seize the princess but whatever I hate him. And Ovelia shouldn't be this easily-accessible.

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So does Agrias! Sadly Ovelia stops her from slapping the OC around.

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Agrias is great. To think the game wants us to replace her with a strictly superior replacement.

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She gives Ovelia something.

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Chekhov's own dagger.

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And off they go.

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Anyway, this is where we're going. We unlocked it ages ago and haven't been able to actually interact until a certain extremely intuitive event trigger.

Yep! Buying a flower from Aerith. Of course.

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(he starts counting down)

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Okay we need to defeat the Robo-Musdadio.

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We have defeated the Robo-Musdadio.

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As the game delights in lying to us he returns to life.

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Admire these extremely good, dignified birds.

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Anyway he only comes back with one HP. Portia moves twice, shooting in between, before Thurio moves once. The Construct, who is level 66 with 66 experience, doesn't move at all.

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Drops a Lucavi rock, lol, why not. I guess Construct 8 is powered by one too.

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Dialogue only happens after we're kicked back to the world map and try to leave fsr.

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Dragon shuffles off into the cave.

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That's it. That's all the dialogue, whether or not we allow her to rejoin. Also I was wrong - if we kick out Reis, Beo stays on despite having no reason to.

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We get this scene en route to Goug somewhere.

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hhahahaah
as soon as beo leaves there's a teleportation and then a scream
you cannot make this shit up

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ahahahaha it's just darkside beowulf

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why would you tell him this shahah

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tom slattery cribbing from asoiaf again, nice

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It's so dangerous to be a heretic, as you can tell by the fact that we can enter towns without harm and trade with the locals.

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he teleports out update over bye

 

 

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Update 48
In Which the Game Loses All Remaining Self-Respect

Spoiler

 

So we're prompted to save and kicked into the roster and then a deployment screen.

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This would prompt some great memories for Portia and Selkie if we weren't forced to ditch Portia for Level 25's Own Beowulf.

Then Aliste's voice says it's tired of waiting.

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what

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AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAhaahfhsdfhhfsd

Okay, where to start with fuckin' Aliste!
1) character design; he's the evil Beowulf!! He has the same class, too, but with better stats I'm fairly sure.
2) !!!he's left-handed!!!
3) he has unstealable ribbon/genji shit and a knightsword. I'm 95% sure ribbons in this game are hats - the barrette was, after all - and it gives +10 HP. It's been hacked into the Accessory slot and given to him because fuck it, why not?
4) He has the samurai skillset and also hilariously...
5) you know what's better than 70% shirihadori? 80% shirihadori.
6) M A S T E R  T E L E P O R T A T I O N
7) you know he's an edgy mercenary because 35 faith of course

hahaha

He has a crew of overlevelled ninja/archers/time magi, too, outnumbering us 4.5 to 6.

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Beowulf swings and misses, predictably. Thurio, well, fuck it, what else is he going to do? His chance to hit is 11%.

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They kill Selkie, I kill this guy.

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what
the
fuck

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So. Let's recap. I've done the obtuse bullshit sidequest. My reward was to return to Lionel Castle, A BLUE ZONE, MEANING NO CONFLICT, and be thrust into a side battle. The side battle contains many overlevelled enemies. One of them teleports straight to our guest, who is using one of our deployment slots arbitrarily and is deeply underlevelled, who he kills in two hits while being all but invincible to anything besides sword-skills. If the underlevelled guest dies to the really powerful guy who beelines immediately for him, IT'S A GAME OVER. Oh, and of course, this isn't listed in the objectives.

What inbred designed this game?

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I miss the screenshot but Agrias kills an archer for 600 damage.

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We smash some people onto the cobblestones. Thingy fails to make Beo an Atheist which btw was originally translated as 'Innocent'. Make of that what you will.

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For... some reason the fight keeps going, at least to let their archer's Aim go off. It was aimed at Thurio, who his line of sight was blocked at, so the arrow hit the wall. Remember how the objective was to 'defeat Aliste'?

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Because Aliste decides to recover from 0 health.

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And Beo gets a 6% disable off on Thurio, preventing him from raising Selkie, who is Actively Bleeding Out.

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Staying down this time, Aliste?

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Okay, the game probably expects it to be this sombre moment or whatever, but. I can't help but read it more charitably - like Beowulf reacts like a NORMAL HUMAN BEING. This guy's like, 'well i was sick or whatever so i decided i would KIDNAP THE WIFE of this dude i admired so he'd come and kill me, during a fight i'd actively try and murder him during'

and Beo's just like

watching him bleed out

takes a deep breath

"Wow, you're a fucking moron!"

We loot his genji armour and give it to Thurio.

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Meet the new pope, same as the old pope. Hilariously he recoils at this prospect after pacing a bunch. Also, meet the game's only female samurai.

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So Aliste cryptically alluded to some line about 'feeling the effects' that made no context. Did he drug all his own dudes?

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The pope starts vibrating.

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Can you tell from these subtle hints that the new pope is a coward?

This theme from Ogre Battle seems appropriate.

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His bodyguards turn to stare at him for a bit, then turn to us.

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Selkie's killed before she can move, of course.

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ten bravery

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The boys sweep upfield.

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Bremondt chooses his move... unwisely.

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Samurai being a samurai.

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Well, I move Selkie up to try and persuade the Pope to become a chicken, but it looks like the ribbon inoculates from Every status, and Chicken is a status.

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And that's how we killed another pope.

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um

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Okay so, whatever

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It may feel like a Lucavi - we can't see his stats - but the bad Lucavi Theme isn't playing and he is vulnerable to status so who knows, really?

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He oneshots Beowulf, thank fuck for the Angel Ring! I'd imagine that'd be a reset if we hadn't plonked that on him.

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HOW MUCH HEALTH DOES THIS FUCKEN SCALY HAVE

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We hit him a bunch more and he finally goes into critical. He's also immune to chicken but not to blind somehow.

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Thurio kills him. I look up the FF Wiki. It reverses his brave/faith to 80/10, makes him immune to all negative status except Blind/Slow/Immobilise, gives him Arcane Defence on top of that so attack magic is worthless, and has THREE THOUSAND ONE HUNDRED AND FIFTY HP.

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FFWiki also describes this as 'revealing the depth of his pure love and selflessness' rather than just 'not being a massive creep who sees women as chattel'.

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That really sounds more like 'I'm going to kill you'. Anyway, we get a full set of gear for Reis. I forgot to talk about Reis! Reis is unusably bad.

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Inexplicably, in her base class, she can ONLY equip female-only equipment. That is to say bags, which are insanely expensive and bad and deal random damage, and ribbons. No armour. Even her accessories are... exclusively jewelry for some reason (of what we have, a perfume, a jade armlet, the angel ring, the 'japa mala' which looks like a rosary, and the Act 2 favourite, diamond bracelets).

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Let's check out the whirry thing in Goug! A bunch of particle effects happen and a dude appears and

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it's literally just

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it's cloud strife.

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"He's from a game with better outfit design."

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So yeah this is the sort of popular-opinion-swayed self-parody angstCloud that wasn't really present in FF7 at all.

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This is really stupid.

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This. Is. Really. Stupid.

Just one update of sidequests left until it's all over, guys. We're so close.

 

 

Edited by Parrhesia
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tbh I'm Reis: I would probably use a handbag, only wear jewellery and ribbons and have a bomb-ass ball gown to fight people.

If you are fighting crime and you aren't cute: you are doing something wrong.

also

"10 bravery" is me when my depression hits

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I completely forgot about Aliste.

 

Good.

I also never forget about clod strif.

 

I wish that was good for this game.

(also no mention of Reis' godlike statgrowth what is this and why aren't we obviously trying to redeem he-- okay I'll stop now)

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I do not recall anything after returning Reis to human form. I certainly don't remember the next pope fight. Must be WotL stuff.

Man, that was stupid. That was incredibly stupid. Mindnumbingly stupid. WotL didn't do shit to make this game any better, it's just a translation that isn't on drugs with a bunch of advertisement cameos for better games. 

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15 minutes ago, grandjackal said:

I do not recall anything after returning Reis to human form. I certainly don't remember the next pope fight. Must be WotL stuff.

Man, that was stupid. That was incredibly stupid. Mindnumbingly stupid. WotL didn't do shit to make this game any better, it's just a translation that isn't on drugs with a bunch of advertisement cameos for better games. 

The best part of WotL, IMO, is the existence of Balthier.

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2 hours ago, grandjackal said:

I do not recall anything after returning Reis to human form. I certainly don't remember the next pope fight. Must be WotL stuff.

Man, that was stupid. That was incredibly stupid. Mindnumbingly stupid. WotL didn't do shit to make this game any better, it's just a translation that isn't on drugs with a bunch of advertisement cameos for better games. 

Yeah, the sidequest ends after Reis' reversion to human form in FFT original. Also I'm pretty sure in the original FFT Cloud is recruited immediately and we don't have to chase after him, and Agrias' sidequests (first talking to Ovelia, then a thing that'll happen next update) are also WotL exclusive.

I've really come around to the opinion that the PS1 version really is just a better game.

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Heh, give Reis Equip rod or sword to dual wield rods or the swords that give magic boost and she's pretty hard to kill. I recall she was stupidly bulky and about as fast as Ninjas at base and had unholy high atk and magic when her level reaches parity to most of the party. Granted I took the effort to make her get Arithmetics for a sort of solo-ish run. She's like those high growth comes late sort of character.

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I'm sure she could be good if I poured 6000 JP into her, but I've already got guys I've poured 6000 JP into over the course of the game. Her stats would have to be massively better - the difference between classes in stats is outdone by stuff like the thief hat (+2 speed), power garb (+2 attack) and bracer (+3 attack) that she doesn't have access to - at least, not in her base class.

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Update 49
In Which There's More Dull, Tedious Misogyny

Spoiler

 

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Was the reference heavy-handed enough before?

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WHO EVEN WOULD SAY THAT? SOMEONE STARES WEIRDLY AND CREEPILY AT YOU AND YOU'RE LIKE

"Do I look like someone familiar?"

it's like

you could even say

"have we met?"

and it's a thing people would say, ever, at a stretch, and ALSO has the heavy-hammered refefence

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oh no

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OKAY SO LET'S LOOK AT THE ECONOMICS HERE
YOU SELL FLOWERS FOR 1 (ONE) GIL
YOU HAVE FOUND THE ONLY LOAN SHARKS IN THE WORLD WHO DO NOT CHARGE INTEREST
HOW WERE YOU HOPING TO RECOUP
THIRTY
THOUSAND
FLOWERS
OF GIL

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the monk and left thief do the kefka laugh i'm not even making it up it's the kefka laugh with a better soundfont

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yay sexual violence, it's all FFT does, it's all it does, it's all FFT is, it isn fsfgs

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nobody talks like this
nobody ever talked like this

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this is unspeakably stupid
LET"S PROTECT CLOUD I AM SURE HE CAN TAKE CARE OF HIMSELF

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"Literally fuck your own face" - SquareSoft, to me

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rocks break charm

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Whatever.

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(This never happens.)

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Anyway we recruit Cloud, Cloud is level 1 and has terrible stats and his moveset is garbage. In order to use his garbage moveset, he needs to find his sword, which is in a mountain somewhere. We will not be retrieving it. We replace our last cool, hard-working bird with this moron. Cloud is by the way the only timeboy who was in the original PS1 release, though of course FFT the original predated both FF12 and FFTA2.

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I ... wander into the Guild for some reason, I don't know why at all.

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But it turns out you can rename your construct, so I do.

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Anyway, if you decide to go out of your way to check out Eagrose or Gariland after getting the Ovelia/Agrias scene in the northeast, you get this rumour from the inn. Let's go to the Brigand's Den and hopefully end this update - and every sidequest, for that matter - on a Not Really Stupid note.

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It's another Grog Hill. I'll take it.

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Oh no, Northern Sky Deserter #3, don't tempt fate like that.

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This guy's scruples return to the default position of 'missing'.

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They all bounce on their feet a bit and do the Kefka laugh. I can't adequately describe how half-arsed the animation was. They literally just. Moved Up And Down, Limbs Stationary, All In Time.

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No, Petey Half-Full, I don't think that's the case.

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they do the Kefka Bounce again

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I hope whoever wrote this game doesn't have a wife or know any women in real life. And yet at the same time I'm convinced they don't.

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Agrias is so mad that her ability to speak coherently collapses in on itself.

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shut the fuck up, tom slattery

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Much like all women in the game's plot, the enemy's monk is invisible.

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For no discernable reason, the enemy can't be Enticed.

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Agrias is a guest and oneshots both squires, which is annoying, since one of them had a really nice gun.

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Sorry, you expected to be rich as footsoldiers and WE'RE daft?

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Literally every thug has spoken very florally and it's really fucking annoying.

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The knights are both crossbowmen with really nice shields that apparently we won't be getting since Portia's down.

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Agrias backs up her words with motherfucking actions.

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Done and dusted.

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Here endeth, at last, the sidequests.

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Tomorrow, we're going to end this.

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Once and for all.

 

 

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there's so many silly bad lines here

"Might be as you get blood on them fancy riggings of yours."

"Think you women sport?"

but I think the one that takes the cake has to be

"It's not your bellies that are empty-it's your souls!"

thank you mercurio
 

i'd say to use cloud if the FF7 battle music played every time he did anything, but it doesn't seem to, so there's really not much point in using cloud no matter how good or bad he is

Edited by unique
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Even if it's nega-Aerith, you don't boss around Aerith.

You just don't.

 

Something that always bothered me with Cloud's set in WoTL was that Braver was renamed but nothing else was, even Climhazzard which is supposed to be Hazard Climb. I don't get it. :x

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yeah you don't boss around aerith because of course a manfolk will come bail her out of it

 

(i know what you were going for because i also know what she's like in ff7 but she did literally nothing lol)

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