Finding Your Partner: How Did You Do it?

[FionordeQuester]

I've been thinking on this topic for a while now; I'm going to be turning 24 in less than a month, yet I've never really had a girlfriend or anything like that.  There was only one girl I ever felt really attracted to, both physically and intellectually when I was 18; but she told me she didn't return the feeling  .  Aside from that, I never really felt a true sense of attraction; I experienced physical attraction, sure, but what's the point when your personalities don't match?  Gotta be able to build a life together and all that.

 

I feel like my attitude is correct at least...but I'm also starting to see the statistical disadvantages that come with that.  I don't go for just anyone, so naturally I'm not going to MEET as many people either.  Compounding that issue, I am an introvert who prefers to spend time at home rather than going to new places.  Moreover, I have also been diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome; so I'm incredibly worried that even if I do meet someone I'm truly attracted to, that I'm not going to know how to approach it.  I've always found small talk boring as all-get out; the only time I can generally carry a conversation is by asking the other person about themselves (coupled with the appropriate amounts of "I see", "huh", "dang, that sounds rough", "Oh really?  That's cool!").  

 

Finally, I've heard (don't KNOW; just heard) that a lot of beautiful women get unwanted attention and false flattery.  I heard that supermodels, movie actresses, and the like worry that their friends aren't truly their friends, and that flattery is only surface-level.  So I'm worried that if I try TOO hard to avoid the "social awkwardness" listed in the 2nd paragraph, that I'm going to come off as someone who isn't serious about maintaining a real relationship.  So I don't know what to do about that.

 

So I guess what I'm wondering is this; for anyone who was in a similar situation, how did you overcome that hurdle?  Getting involved in more clubs and stuff like that?  Or did it just happen randomly?  I mean, I'm not too sad about this or anything, so you don't need to feel obligated to give advice or sympathy or anything like that; I'm just if anyone has been in such a situation?  If not, that's all good, so don't worry.  Have a nice day, and God bless you everyone  .

Edited April 15, 2017 by FionordeQuester

[SullyMcGully]

Wish I could help you, but... I'm kinda in the same situation. There is one piece of advice I can give you, though. Don't typify yourself just because you're different mentally from most others. Just because you have Asperger's doesn't mean you can't relate to women the way other men would. As someone who deals with a lot of Asperger's-like problems myself, I've noticed that often the thing that keeps me from forming good relationships is the concept that I have to do things differently due to my mentality. However, in the long run,  a woman who is unwilling to deal with your natural eccentricities isn't a woman you should consider spending the rest of your life with anyway. 

Oh, and one more piece of advice that is not mine, but comes from a good friend of mine with lots of experience. If you want friendly, kindhearted young women to notice you, then treat all women with a lot of respect, especially women you would never be physically attracted to, like sisters, mothers, or women who are way out of your age range. This is one thing women tend to notice, and it may cause your woman of choice to label you as a "nice guy" without even having to talk to you, making any future communication much easier. Then again, I have yet to test it out myself, so take that with a grain of salt.

[FionordeQuester]

Thanks man; I appreciate it.  And don't worry; I don't believe I have to do things differently, nor am I ashamed of my diagnosis.  In fact, I embrace my Asperger's; I think it's got just as many strengths as it does weaknesses.  And I know that I can pick up anything I'm lacking with enough effort.  

I just don't want to pass up any opportunities in the meantime!

Edited April 16, 2017 by FionordeQuester

[Agro]

You just need to put yourself in situations where you keep meeting new people. Get involved in a club somewhere. Take some classes in something new. If you have friends then go out, maybe have a drink somewhere, have a dance, etc. Don't let your diagnosis be a crutch... You are still you and you have full control over your actions.

Beautiful people get compliments both warranted and unwarranted. Just because you find someone beautiful doesn't mean that they are superficial or that you are superficial. If you are attracted to someone then you should just go for it and see what happens. You never know who you might connect with if you give it a chance.

Edited April 16, 2017 by Agro

[FionordeQuester]

3 minutes ago, Agro said:

You just need to put yourself in situations where you keep meeting new people. Get involved in a club somewhere. Take some classes in something new. If you have friends then go out, maybe have a drink somewhere, have a dance, etc. Don't let your diagnosis be a crutch... You are still you and you have full control over your actions.

I embrace my diagnosis actually; it's part of what makes me who I am, and I don't believe any of my weaknesses are things that can't be improved. As for "going for a drink", my family has a history of alcohol abuse; I don't know if I'd end up the same way as some of my other family members, but I'd rather not find out.  Wouldn't it be kind of awkward going to a bar, only to refuse every drink offered to you?

Edited April 16, 2017 by FionordeQuester

[Anacybele]

20 minutes ago, FionordeQuester said:

I embrace my diagnosis actually; it's part of what makes me who I am, and I don't believe any of my weaknesses are things that can't be improved. As for "going for a drink", my family has a history of alcohol abuse; I don't know if I'd end up the same way as some of my other family members, but I'd rather not find out.  Wouldn't it be kind of awkward going to a bar, only to refuse every drink offered to you?

You're lucky. I'm an Aspie too and I simply cannot embrace it. I seem to be the worst case possible of someone with high functioning autism. I make so many social mistakes that I just don't bother making friends anymore. No matter how hard I try, I mess up and end up not being liked as a result. I can't even do small talk, it's so awkward and weird for me. I do have a couple friends online from a while ago, but I'm just doing all I can to keep them. I'm not trying to make more.

I'm on this forum because I love FE and talking about it and all. Not so much to meet people/make friends. Not that I won't still try to be polite though, of course.

I would still love to get married someday, but I've come to accept that it probably won't happen. I'm better off alone so I don't hurt other people with my poor word choices. I might feel lonely sometimes, but everything has its ups and downs.

As for the drinking thing, you obviously don't have to drink if you don't want to. I choose not to drink. And you can go to a bar and not drink, plenty of them have non-alcoholic beverages too. I went to one that was such a place, so I know. If someone tries to get you to drink alcohol, you have every right to say no.

And as for any general advice on this subject, it's like said above, getting out and meeting people is the most basic thing you can do. In classes, at clubs, events like Comic Con or sports games or whatever, and so on.

 

Edited April 16, 2017 by Anacybele

[GaleforceAbuse]

1 hour ago, FionordeQuester said:

I embrace my diagnosis actually; it's part of what makes me who I am, and I don't believe any of my weaknesses are things that can't be improved. As for "going for a drink", my family has a history of alcohol abuse; I don't know if I'd end up the same way as some of my other family members, but I'd rather not find out.  Wouldn't it be kind of awkward going to a bar, only to refuse every drink offered to you?

Most bars that I've been to have food and such. I usually just tell people that I don't drink, and they're fine with it. We'll get food or something, and they'll have a beer while I have water.

[FionordeQuester]

2 hours ago, Anacybele said:

You're lucky. I'm an Aspie too and I simply cannot embrace it. I seem to be the worst case possible of someone with high functioning autism. I make so many social mistakes that I just don't bother making friends anymore. No matter how hard I try, I mess up and end up not being liked as a result. I can't even do small talk, it's so awkward and weird for me. I do have a couple friends online from a while ago, but I'm just doing all I can to keep them. I'm not trying to make more.

Have you seen a therapist?  I hung out with several speech therapists while going through pre-school and elementary school; the elementary school one in particular was so nice, I still remember her fondly one-and-a-half decades later. If what you've got is as bad as you say, I'm sure there's someone out there who could help you out.  I mean, I'm not saying it's a guarantee, but, I don't think it's a bad use of money.

Edited April 16, 2017 by FionordeQuester

[Anacybele]

Just now, FionordeQuester said:

Have you seen a therapist?  I hung out with several speech therapists while going through pre-school and elementary school; those're still one of my favorite memories as a kid. If what you've got is as bad as you say, I'm sure there's someone out there who could help you out.

No. But I'm not really able to go anywhere since I can't drive and I'm unemployed due to having moved and left my old job, so I can't pay a therapist either.

I did see special ed/needs teachers in grade school though, of course. But all they really did for me was speech therapy and such since I've always had a stutter. My social skills never really improved. They were nice teachers, but didn't help me enough.

I don't know though. Plenty of people have tried to help me. And while some progress has been made, it hasn't been enough. I feel like I've hit a ceiling. For every choice of words I learn are wrong and quit using, I end up saying more and hurting someone again.

[FionordeQuester]

4 minutes ago, Anacybele said:

No. But I'm not really able to go anywhere since I can't drive and I'm unemployed due to having moved and left my old job, so I can't pay a therapist either.

I did see special ed/needs teachers in grade school though, of course. But all they really did for me was speech therapy and such since I've always had a stutter. My social skills never really improved. They were nice teachers, but didn't help me enough.

I don't know though. Plenty of people have tried to help me. And while some progress has been made, it hasn't been enough. I feel like I've hit a ceiling. For every choice of words I learn are wrong and quit using, I end up saying more and hurting someone again.

Ooof...yeah, that's rough not knowing how to drive.  Do you have any sort of co-morbid diagnoses as well?  Because I got mine at around 16. And if possible, gaining that kind of freedom and independence will probably go a long way towards helping your self-esteem.

1 hour ago, GaleforceAbuse said:

Most bars that I've been to have food and such. I usually just tell people that I don't drink, and they're fine with it. We'll get food or something, and they'll have a beer while I have water.

Btw, overlooked this.  Thanks for telling me this; I appreciate it!

Edited April 16, 2017 by FionordeQuester

[Anacybele]

11 minutes ago, FionordeQuester said:

Ooof...yeah, that's rough not knowing how to drive.  Do you have any sort of co-morbid diagnoses as well?  Because I got mine at around 16. And if possible, gaining that kind of freedom and independence will probably go a long way towards helping your self-esteem.

What do you mean by "co-morbid diagnoses?" I'm not sure... I would like to have more freedom and independence though, that's for sure.

[FionordeQuester]

When someone has a psychological disorder, it's actually MORE common for them to have two or more than it is for them to just have one.  What we call that, then, is "co-morbid"; for example, those with Asperger's Syndrome will also often have OCD.  And of course, some form of depression is also common when you've already got something else causing you distress, so you can see how problems snowball.

So what I'm asking is if there's anything else you have that would interfere with driving.  Because Asperger's didn't prevent me from getting a driver's license. I failed the driving test twice before finally succeeding, but I did it; and I have a feeling you can too  .  

Edited April 16, 2017 by FionordeQuester

[Rezzy]

3 minutes ago, Anacybele said:

What do you mean by "co-morbid diagnoses?" I'm not sure... I would like to have more freedom and independence though, that's for sure.

Co-morbidity refers to having two diagnoses simultaneously, often which affect the same function or situation.

One example would be a patient who has both diabetes and peripheral vascular disease.  Both would affect the body's ability to heal a wound for instance.

 

As a 30 year old married person, all I can say is just try to find groups that share your interests.  Look to find friends first, and other things may follow.  I met my spouse in a D&D group.  I also don't drink and have never been to a bar to look for a prospective mate.  I prefer smaller groups and bars make me uncomfortable.  Find your comfort zone in terms of crowd size.

[Anacybele]

1 minute ago, Rezzy said:

Co-morbidity refers to having two diagnoses simultaneously, often which affect the same function or situation.

One example would be a patient who has both diabetes and peripheral vascular disease.  Both would affect the body's ability to heal a wound for instance.

Oh, I see. Then no, I've never had that before.

[Thor Odinson]

I don't know if this will be helpful to people, because I'm the type of person who actually doesn't care for having a romantic relationship until I am actually attracted to someone, and I also only develop physical attraction after I am attracted to someone as a person first. So usually I don't even try to look for relationships. Mind, I'm not exactly someone who would be considered conventionally attractive---I guess my face is not awful but the amount of effort I put into my appearance just makes sure I'm presentable. 

However back when I was still an intern at my current job, there's this other guy who got hired a semester after me, and worked on projects with me. Long story short while working with him I noticed a bunch of qualities in him in his personality that were like "hell yeah" to me and became attracted to him. I was debating for the longest time whether or not to go for it, because I don't want to make work awkward if it doesn't work, but I did. Dude has some qualities I find both rare (in the field I work in) and also those same qualities made him super attractive to me and I was afraid some other girl was gonna ask him first if I wait until he graduates and stops working with me, so I asked him out.

Anyway we're been together since. That was 9 months ago. 

So yeah. Don't know if this is helpful. Personally I wouldn't specifically look for people at work because there could be complications, company policy, etc, and don't go for someone at work just because they're hot or something. In my case I didn't even want to look for someone but he was just the right person. It might help to get to know someone beforehand, but make your intentions clear. Shit unintentionally develops with friends all the time (I wouldn't count on this, either, though), but it's deceptive to specifically go into a friendship intentionally with the end goal of dating. One thing that might be useful from my story though, is that I work in software engineering, and most people my age who work in this field are people who are passionate about some aspect of computer software and programming---or at least, the people at my job are, so the "I met him at work" aspect can be generalized to "I met him at a group where a bunch of people have at least 1 similar interest". It might be useful to attend more groups for x where x is an interest you have. 

I mean hell my bf ruined every single man who isn't a programmer (or at least in STEM) for me because we could make a lot of things funny by turning them into programmer humor and I can't do that with people who aren't in my field, so it's definitely good to make sure you at least have some things you like in common. 

[Infinite Dreams]

I think a lot of this comes down to luck.  On the other hand, you do need to "put yourself out there".  I'm an introvert as well, and unfortunately I can't really offer any good advice on where to meet new people.  My single friends seem to use online dating sites a lot.  I've seen some people suggest clubs where people share your interests, and I think that's a great idea too.  I think you will meet someone faster if you keep putting yourself into situations where you meet new people (as intimidating as that might be).  

Personally, I don't really find myself attracted to someone until I know more about them.  I agree with one of the posters above who said that women notice it when men are kind and respectful to others.  

I'll tell my story of how I met my SO, but I wouldn't recommend doing what he did.  We were both really young and things were different at that age.  I started dating him over 9 years ago.  We were both 18, and we met the summer after high school at a party.  I had absolutely 0 experience with guys.  He just kind of went for it.  He made it NO secret he had a thing for me & hit on me all the time.  I found it rather off-putting, but to be honest, I kind of liked the attention too.  He added me to MSN messenger, and I felt obligated to reply to him because it would have been rude to ignore him, haha.  After a while, I started to get more comfortable talking to him on there, even liking our conversations.  Eventually, we started to hang out at his parents' place.  It was really fun, and he taught me how to play Guitar Hero.  After hanging out twice, I started to develop feelings for him.  We started dating one week after our first hang out sesh.  It's kind of a funny story because I started out thinking he was annoying, but I grew to like him once I knew him better. 

Also, I don't find it weird at all when people don't want to drink at the bar/pub.  I think it's pretty normal, so no worries there. 

You seem like an awesome guy with a great attitude, and I'm sure things will work out for you.  

Edited April 18, 2017 by Infinite Dreams

[Res]

On 4/15/2017 at 4:25 PM, SullyMcGully said:

 Oh, and one more piece of advice that is not mine, but comes from a good friend of mine with lots of experience. If you want friendly, kindhearted young women to notice you, then treat all women with a lot of respect, especially women you would never be physically attracted to, like sisters, mothers, or women who are way out of your age range. This is one thing women tend to notice, and it may cause your woman of choice to label you as a "nice guy" without even having to talk to you, making any future communication much easier. Then again, I have yet to test it out myself, so take that with a grain of salt.

Replace 'all women' with 'all people and animals' and it's good advice. And really, if you're a decent person, this should be default behaviour, anyway. One thing that attracted me to my husband was he was gentle and kind to animals. 

Unless someone does something to earn your disrespect (which happens, people are shitty), respectful behaviour should be just something you do. Hold doors open for everyone. Say please and thank you. There's no need to pander, though, and it's pretty easy to tell when someone's being overly nice. I don't hold conversations with strangers and I don't like smiling, but even if you're socially awkward like I am it's easy enough to do the basics. 

I met my husband online, not through a dating site, just a forum like this one. We actually chatted for two years before meeting in person. By the time we met I knew all his likes, dislikes, political and religious views, about his family, pets, relatives, where he worked, what his hopes and dreams were, whether he wanted children, etc. etc. It made meeting in person a lot less awkward. I'm not romantic at all so it helped cut down on the awkwardness and I knew he'd be compatible for me in lots of ways. 

[NekoKnight]

I'm going to agree with the people saying to get involved with activities you like. If you get a girlfriend, great! If you don't, well at least you had fun doing the thing you enjoy.

I think the important thing is to consider is how your behavior is percieved by others. People can smell desperation and if you go into a social situation primarily to get a girlfriend, you'll probably fail. Sometimes you just need to let things happen, and they're more likely to happen if you're friendly and kind without ulterior intentions. Also, have some self respect and not sacrifice your wants just to please others. 

You probably shouldn't take my example. I met my girlfriend while she was dating my friend. He broke up with her and I started dating her a year later. I guess you could take away from that "meeting people through friends is a viable way of getting a girlfriend".

[FionordeQuester]

Thank you so much everyone.  If I'm reading your stories right, there's nothing unusual about my situation; it seems like a lot of this stuff happens pretty spontaneously, so...seems I'll just keep living life!  Have a nice day, and feel free to keep sharing your stories.  I love reading them  .

[Skynstein]

Being out there is a great help, but internet can work if you can find someone that lives close to you.

Drinking gives you a little push, but I don't recommend doing it if you have anything resembling a stomach problem, or you'll wake up the next day feeling as if there was fire coming from your throat. There's a lot of crazy and wonderful stuff out there, though, so if you don't overdo it, there's no problem. :D

Nevertheless, if you're too shy, fear not, for the internet is a great help! I know of quite a few people who first met online.

 

 

[BEST TRYNDAMERE PLAYER]

I fucked around on Tinder and at parties but I ended up meeting my GF at a bar in Midtown Manhattan - we've been dating for about a year and three months now.

[TheTuckingFypo]

On 4/15/2017 at 2:51 PM, FionordeQuester said:

I've been thinking on this topic for a while now; I'm going to be turning 24 in less than a month, yet I've never really had a girlfriend or anything like that.  There was only one girl I ever felt really attracted to, both physically and intellectually when I was 18; but she told me she didn't return the feeling  .  Aside from that, I never really felt a true sense of attraction; I experienced physical attraction, sure, but what's the point when your personalities don't match?  Gotta be able to build a life together and all that.

 

I feel like my attitude is correct at least...but I'm also starting to see the statistical disadvantages that come with that.  I don't go for just anyone, so naturally I'm not going to MEET as many people either.  Compounding that issue, I am an introvert who prefers to spend time at home rather than going to new places.  Moreover, I have also been diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome; so I'm incredibly worried that even if I do meet someone I'm truly attracted to, that I'm not going to know how to approach it.  I've always found small talk boring as all-get out; the only time I can generally carry a conversation is by asking the other person about themselves (coupled with the appropriate amounts of "I see", "huh", "dang, that sounds rough", "Oh really?  That's cool!").  

 

Finally, I've heard (don't KNOW; just heard) that a lot of beautiful women get unwanted attention and false flattery.  I heard that supermodels, movie actresses, and the like worry that their friends aren't truly their friends, and that flattery is only surface-level.  So I'm worried that if I try TOO hard to avoid the "social awkwardness" listed in the 2nd paragraph, that I'm going to come off as someone who isn't serious about maintaining a real relationship.  So I don't know what to do about that.

 

So I guess what I'm wondering is this; for anyone who was in a similar situation, how did you overcome that hurdle?  Getting involved in more clubs and stuff like that?  Or did it just happen randomly?  I mean, I'm not too sad about this or anything, so you don't need to feel obligated to give advice or sympathy or anything like that; I'm just if anyone has been in such a situation?  If not, that's all good, so don't worry.  Have a nice day, and God bless you everyone  .

Hmm.. In all truth, finding someone, I've found (through observation), is not definitive in nature. There's no right or wrong way to do it.

I have not been in such situation, but that's because my case is different: I met my boyfriend and we started dating just before we turned 13 (he was born 4 days before me). We're still together now. 7 years in mid June. We plan to marry after he finishes school and becomes a chemical engineer. 
How I met him? School field trip. I nearly drowned and latched on to the nearest thing for dear life. Happened to be him. He brought my head above water. We spent the rest of the trip together and hit it off.
That's my story.

------

What similarities we bear is our introversion, hate for small-talk, and our Autism (Mine is PDD-NOS, though). Granted, I wasn't diagnosed until I was 16, but that doesn't matter. 

------

My first piece of advice is just be yourself: Don't force yourself uncomfortable (social) situations. If you meet someone and they are off put by your Asperger's, clearly, you deserve better. 

My second piece of advice is that, unfortunately, you can't really meet someone if you stay at home. It's harder. However, it doesn't mean that you have to go to places such as clubs or bars. Personally, I'd go to places I enjoy. I can't speak for your interests, but if you do go somewhere you like, you're more likely to find someone with a common interest, potentially bypassing the small-talk entirely.

---------

I don't quite understand what you mean about mis-matched personalities. If you don't mind, could you please elaborate?

[MediocreLee]

I'm in a similar boat, I haven't really found anyone I could connect with really.  However, finding someone is neither an easy or hard thing to do.  It really boils down to if you're ready for a relationship and have someone enter your life and me personal with them.  If someone comes into your life then they do, if not then it's okay.  Waiting is fine and there's no shame in that.  There is some advice I can impart.

Try your best to go out there, experience the new, and interact with new people.  It's hard for lots of people to approach others, but it's just that approach that may help you.  Even a simple, "You're quite attractive/pretty/handsome/etc." can go a long way.

Do and find things you enjoy and find others that enjoy similar things.  One of the best ways to really get along with anyone is knowing there is some common ground in terms of interests.  I'm speaking from personal experience.  The last girl I dated may have played games, but she told me that she hates a lot of things that I love such as Fire Emblem *gasp* and Doctor Who.

Be respectful to everyone.  Whether it just be a friend or stranger, people do notice if you're respectful or not.  And if someone does catch your eye, but doesn't show similar interest in you, then be respectful.  It may suck, but it just shows that person isn't the person for you.  Eventually, someone will come into your life.

Lastly, be yourself.  Nothing is more deceptive or just morally wrong about pretending to be someone you're not.  Honestly goes a long way for any sort of relationship and if you're not honest, then it's just gonna hurt in the long run.

[a bear]

Met my wife playing Monster Hunter Tri back in 2012. Best use of Nintendo's internet service to date, I say.

My brother and I joined a random room that she was in and the three of us stuck together for a bit. It ended up being me and her talking to each other on quests for hours without actually doing anything in-game. Occasionally some other people would join in, mostly they'd just get mad that we weren't playing for realz. Eventually we started talking over the phone, and after a few months of being best buds we both admit that we had a thing for each other. Met up in person, decided we both loved each other. She ended up moving in with me a year after we met and we've been together since.

I dunno if this story helps anyone, but there it is. I've always felt that you're most likely to meet the right person doing the things you both love, and that your ideal partner should also be your best friend. Seems to hold true not just for myself, but with every great couple I've known.

[Xanaxian]

I met my s/o on Tumblr last year. I thought her art and reblogged content were both interesting, so I sent her an incredibly dumb pun as a conversation opener, and it rapidly evolved from there. We'd Skype for hours and hours, but eventually we migrated to Rabbit because the latter platform enables you to watch a TV show or movie with someone else on a shared browser. Initially, my intent was only friendship, but we quickly realized we had a staggering amount in common, ranging from our favorite TV shows and movies to the games we like to play (ironically, FE is the exception; she's never played it!). Hell, even our birthdays are nearly aligned - I'm exactly 364 days older than she is. We're currently 2,200 miles apart, but since we've both recently graduated from college, we're looking into moving closer together within the next year. 

I second the notion that an ideal partner should also be your best friend. Relationships aren't exclusively about romance and intimacy, though in my experience they are indeed crucial components to successful ones. At the end of the day, you can come home to them and relish the fact that they're simply there in your life. You don't have to be doing anything as long as you're together. And while long-distance relationships complicate the notion even further, the advent of internet-based dating and social media have all but made this trend commonplace. 

Really, if you put yourself out there and be nobody but yourself, someone will surely find their way into your life, and they might one day consider it to be one of the best highlights of theirs.