''Skills'' Feedback Thread

[Nym]

Here is the place if you want to leave feedbacks for the chapters. I'll also post the references for each chapter.

Spoiler

Chapter 1

• Both Rezzy and Chloey are characters based of 2 members of SF, Rezzy being obviously @Rezzy and Chloey being @TheSilentChloey, althought the latter is more based on the character that Chloey made for her Awakening story.
• Nym is of course, me
• The ''Open Sesame'' tome is based of the magic phrase of ''Ali Baba and the Forty Thieves''.
• The stuffed animal that Nym made for Rezzy's baby is a reference to Eevee, obviously.
• Mugemin is a reference/parody of the Crimson Mage Megumin, from the anime Konosuba.
• Both Tristan and Harve are based of two of my IRL friends.
• Harve's design is based of the character Genji from Overwatch
• Flona is a reference/parody of the useless Goddess and Arch priest, Aqua from the anime Konosuba.
• Light is a reference/parody of the masochist crusader Darkness, from the anime Konosuba
• Knil (I wrote Kril by accident oops) is a reference to Link from the Legend of Zelda
• Aryl is a reference to Ariel, Link's little sister in the Wind Waker
• The song that Chloey sings is a parody of the song ''Be a man'' in Mulan
• The 2 maids are a reference to both Ram and Rem from the anime Re:Zero
• ''Look like the cavalry is here'' phrase from the red maid is a reference to Tracer's (from Overwatch) favorite catchphrase: ''Cheers, love! The cavalry's here!''

Spoiler

Chapter 2

• The idiot that walked on Chloey when she was naked is a reference to the female avatar's B support conversation with Chrom in Awakening
• The plush that Nym gives to Chloey is a reference to Pikachu
• The name Chrome is a reference to Google Chrome
• Est is also based on a real person, although not on a member on SF since it's Rezzy's baby.
• ''lost in thoughts all alone'' is a reference to Azura's song
• ''as fast as a blue hedgehog'', a reference to Sonic the hedgehog
• Chloey's story is all the events in Awakening
• ''I only know her for a year and almost five months'' is actually the same amount of time when I made contact with Rezzy by the time I wrote this.
• A reference to the game ''Knock, knock! Who's there?''
•  Officer Hawknose is a reference to the character Hawkeye
• ''we got trouble'' is a reference to Felicia's favorite line

 

 

Edit 30/05/17: Holy, finished Chapter 3 last night and it took me 26 pages on Google Doc, a new high score.

Spoiler

Chapter 3

• Sword, Lance and Axe, the ancestor of Rock, Paper and Scissor.
• The whole trial is a reference to the franchise of the Ace Attorney games.
• The judge is a reference to the judge in those games.
• ''for the Smurfette'' a reference to Smurfette in the Smurfs.
• Wolf is a reference to Rezzy's husband @Papa Wolf.
• His character is also inspired by Simon Blackquill.
• Simon Blackquill has the habit of calling his opponent by their names and -dono, a reference to Samurai movies.
• ''if you would kindly.'' from the judge, a reference to Ryan from Bioshock.
• I don't think I need to explain both the weapon durability and weapon level to anyone.
• The name Ralm and Relm is another reference to Ram and Rem from the anime Re:Zero.
• ''It's no use...'' is a reference to Silver the Hedgehog From Sonic 2006.
• The character of Merlin is a reference to both Merlin and Santa Claus.
• ''a disturbance in the for-- foyer.'' is a reference to the Jedi in Star Wars (no, not Jedi the SF member).
• The Outrealm's shape is a reference to the portals used in ''Stargate''.

Edit 04/07/17: I finished Chapter 4 a few days ago but I made no references aside from a few Awakening callbacks :P

Edit 30/07/17: I didn't update this for a while, I stopped making too much references :P But Chapter 5 and 6 are out and I just finished rewritting Chapter 1.

Edit 25/08/17: Sorry for the lack of news, Chapter 7 and 8 are available, Chapter 9 is on its way. I'm not making as many references anymore, I want to focus on improving my story.

Edit 22/09/17: I swear, I do not make this lack of updates on purpose. Anyway, a bunch of chapters are now here. All of the Sentinels are based off some characters of the anime Re:Zero

Edited September 22, 2017 by Nym

[Rezzy]

Hey, I'll try to read it when I get a chance, but sadly the text color doesn't show up well on my skin.

If I don't respond by the end of the weekend, feel free to remind me.  It's been crazy busy with weddings, Easter, and general family stuff.  I like to critique when I don't have distractions, and I've got a 5 month old distraction on my lap right now.

[Nym]

1 minute ago, Rezzy said:

Hey, I'll try to read it when I get a chance, but sadly the text color doesn't show up well on my skin.

If I don't respond by the end of the weekend, feel free to remind me.  It's been crazy busy with weddings, Easter, and general family stuff.  I like to critique when I don't have distractions, and I've got a 5 month old distraction on my lap right now.

Euh Rezzy... it's the same story XD, I just posted it on a specific page for it and I will add the future chapters here. However chapter 2 is on the way.

But yeah as I told you, feel free to critique whatever you want, I don't want you to be pressured or forced to do that.

Speaking of 5 month old baby... oops I shouldn't have said that.

[Rezzy]

3 minutes ago, Nym said:

Euh Rezzy... it's the same story XD, I just posted it on a specific page for it and I will add the future chapters here. However chapter 2 is on the way.

But yeah as I told you, feel free to critique whatever you want, I don't want you to be pressured or forced to do that.

Speaking of 5 month old baby... oops I shouldn't have said that.

Okay, I wasn't sure, since it's a blue on black text for me.

Oh, am I pulling a Louise?

[Nym]

11 hours ago, Rezzy said:

Okay, I wasn't sure, since it's a blue on black text for me.

Oh, am I pulling a Louise?

Euh? Are you on the night theme? It was all in bold when I copy pasted it from Docs but I edited that out.

(Wait, what's  pulling a Louise again?)

Edited April 18, 2017 by Nym

[Rezzy]

3 minutes ago, Nym said:

Euh? Are you on the night theme? It was all in bold when I copy pasted it from Docs but I edite that out.

(Wait, what's is pulling a Louise again?)

Yeah, I like the Night Theme.

Just being a pregnant FE character.

[Nym]

30 minutes ago, Rezzy said:

Yeah, I like the Night Theme.

Just being a pregnant FE character.

Ah ah ah, someone didn't read Nym's letter (or you forgot, but it's okay). Got the cat out of the bag I see. :)

Spoiler

PS2: I finished making that stuffed animal that I told you about the other day, I’ll give it to Est once your husband comes back from his trip with her and your son.

 

Edited April 18, 2017 by Nym

[TheSilentChloey]

I loled way more then I should have from the Mulan reference.

I wonder how Chrom and the others will fit in however I will wait for the next chapter.

[Nym]

19 minutes ago, TheSilentChloey said:

I loled way more then I should have from the Mulan reference.

I wonder how Chrom and the others will fit in however I will wait for the next chapter.

:D

Ahhh, it's a surprise :).

[TheSilentChloey]

3 minutes ago, Nym said:

:D

Ahhh, it's a surprise :).

Yeah that's what I thought

[Sunwoo]

Accidentally posted this in the other thread, so I'm reposting it here.

The writing and narrative style comes off as a bit ... juvenile. The characters' dialogue sound very simplistic and a bit exaggerated. You should also never put actions in dialogue such as "*cough* [Insert character saying something here]". Nor should you really use asterisks to describe action in narrative in general. Descriptions of various characters sound clunky, like they were fit in where they were not necessary or where they do not flow well.

Breaking out into random singing (no matter how good "Make a Man Out of You" is) also makes me take this less seriously. Also, the random "Inside Out" reference is not really funny or sensical, nor does it seem well thought out or well placed.

I'd suggest not using things like "The next day ..." to indicate scene breaks. Either put in a dash or some other symbol (~, ^, -) to indicate that two scenes are not the same, or use an extra narrative paragraph to describe that time has passed. There are a few run-on sentences, where there really should've been a period or at least a semicolon but it just runs on. Also, there are some errors with punctuation around dialogue. There are some instances when there are no punctuation, like the below example:

‘’Oh, sorry’’ replied Chloey as she wiped her tear off her face ‘’I just got lost in thoughts all alone, ergh... I mean just lost in thoughts.’’.

There should be a comma after "sorry" and "face". And there should be only period at the end of "thoughts", and it should be inside the quotation mark. Punctuation marks always go inside the quotation in dialogue if the character in question is speaking.

Another example of punctuation being used wrong in quotation marks is the following:

‘’A few more moments.’’ responded the red haired maid to her sister.

The period at the end of "moments" should be a comma. If you are using a word such as said, responded, whispered, screamed, etc., you use commas in place of the period.

Now, here is the more important part. I really have no idea what kind of story you are going for. I can't tell whether you want to make an epic adventure story or if you want to write a comedy. If you mean for this to be very non-serious and comedic, then you can get away with some of the things I've mentioned here (aside from the grammar stuff. Always use correct grammar). If you mean for this story to be taken seriously and to come off as being more epic, then this really isn't working.

Most of characters don't sound very distinct from one another enough, a lot of them seem to have the same emotional and somewhat melancholy but generically determined tone of voice. The descriptions feel a bit clunky, and sometimes there isn't enough description when you need them (such as descriptions of emotions). If you want me to go more in depth, then send me a PM. I'll select a random section from your story and show you how I would write it, and you can let me know if this advice has been helpful or not.

[Nym]

4 hours ago, Sunwoo said:

Accidentally posted this in the other thread, so I'm reposting it here.

*Snip*

I'll start by first thanking for reading the story, I appreciate it.

I corrected as much mistakes as I could find (so many missing comas and periods in chapter 1, ugh).

I'll start with what I agree first:

I know that the descriptions of the characters seem a little bit off, but I don't know any other way unfortunately. I'm still on new ground with this kind of writing especially on my second language.

For the scene breaks, I agree that also seem weird but I use so much ''the narrator'' already that I thought it would be nice to have that. Kinda like the Spongebob's time cards for example: it's fast to read and do the job well without bothering anyone for an extended period of time.

I also agree about the Inside out reference, but I have to say that the Mulan song made more sense unlike this one. I just tried something crazy while pulling a double reference, honestly.

Now for the rest:

Yes this is meant as a non-serious comedic, you really shouldn't take this seriously. 

Which bring me to my next point, yes the characters are simple and a little bit exaggerated but that's how characters in comedy are written anyway (most of the time). And as I said, don't take this too seriously.

If you want an example of something that I took inspiration from, the anime Konosuba is the perfect example: there's a serious and huge problem (the demon king is here) and the main goal for the characters is to kill him. However, the anime is never ''serious'' about it. The four main characters spent more time arguing, saying funny remarks, doing quests, living their life. There's only like, one moment when the anime is ''close'' to being serious and it's usually in a very important fight.

The only thing I'll have to disagree is how the characters being ''similar''. I suppose by the characters, you mean Rezzy, Nym and Chloey. For the sake of the argument, I'll assume this. Yes there is sometimes, similar emotions when for example Chloey is melancholy about her family just like Nym is also, a few moments later. But there's differences: Chloey feels like that because she didn't see her family for MONTHS while Nym feels like that because he's lost his parents and all he got for ''family'' is another family that is not even his (or maybe I did a poor job at explaning that part, now that I think about it).

Hell, Rezzy doesn't feel even close to melancholy in both chapters. Unlike the other two, her family is still here, only gone for a short time.

Or look at Chloey, she's more ''rude'' or ''harsh'' compare to the other two. Twice she grabbed boys by the collar because she gets angry very easy.

And honestly, this is something I tried to respect: being as close as I can to the real person. All the reactions that Nym had, this is something I would do if I was in the exact situation.  

I don't know Rezzy personally, but for what I've seen, she seems to be a very gentle and compassionate person which is exactly what her character is reflecting.

I know less about TheSilentChloey but she seems on the same boat, I took more inspiration on her character that she made on her own story. There's also the fact that is kinda ironic how the silent one in real life is actually the more noisy and harsher of the trio in the story.

I already asked both of them to give me comments about their character, so I can make sure I respect this idea as much as I possibly can.

Hell, I did the same thing for Harve, Tristan and even for Est.

That's it honestly, I just want to say but what you said in the last part was not necessary wrong but this is my opinion as an amateur writer.

I also think it's probably a little bit early to judge the characters since I only did two chapters and there's so much to unwrap. :P

 

Edited April 28, 2017 by Nym

[Sunwoo]

That's why I said most of them sounded too samey, not all. "Rezzy" did sound more distinct than "Nyx" or "Chloey". And even though the characters weren't so similar that one could switch the character names and no difference would be noticed, it still didn't feel distinct enough. When I was reading through the first two chapters, the tone of the characters' dialogue seemed too similar. When they're happy, they feel happy in the same way. When they're sad, their tone of voice when sad seems to be the same. Yes, "Chloey" gets angry more so than the other two, but there should be more changes in tone besides that.

Also, it is not too early to judge a story based on two chapters. Maybe it's early to make a decision about your plot. But it's not too early to tell about everything else. If your characters or writing style or dialogue doesn't appeal to me, then I don't have an obligation to keep reading. Nor does any other person who comes across your story. Many people will stop reading a story based on just the first chapter if it does not appeal to them. You can tell them it's too early to judge from two chapters, but no one wants to read something they're not ecstatic about.

[Nym]

24 minutes ago, Sunwoo said:

That's why I said most of them sounded too samey, not all. "Rezzy" did sound more distinct than "Nyx" or "Chloey". And even though the characters weren't so similar that one could switch the character names and no difference would be noticed, it still didn't feel distinct enough. When I was reading through the first two chapters, the tone of the characters' dialogue seemed too similar. When they're happy, they feel happy in the same way. When they're sad, their tone of voice when sad seems to be the same. Yes, "Chloey" gets angry more so than the other two, but there should be more changes in tone besides that.

Also, it is not too early to judge a story based on two chapters. Maybe it's early to make a decision about your plot. But it's not too early to tell about everything else. If your characters or writing style or dialogue doesn't appeal to me, then I don't have an obligation to keep reading. Nor does any other person who comes across your story. Many people will stop reading a story based on just the first chapter if it does not appeal to them. You can tell them it's too early to judge from two chapters, but no one wants to read something they're not ecstatic about.

You mentionned I didn't give enough descriptions for the emotions, do you think it would help?

[Sunwoo]

55 minutes ago, Nym said:

You mentionned I didn't give enough descriptions for the emotions, do you think it would help?

That would help, yeah. Little things such as maybe when one character is angry they clench their firsts while another character has an eerily serene smile and a sense of tranquil fury. Maybe one character shouts when they're angry while another one just speaks calmly but coldly. Even minor things like that would really make the characters sound more distinct.

[Nym]

8 hours ago, Sunwoo said:

That would help, yeah. Little things such as maybe when one character is angry they clench their firsts while another character has an eerily serene smile and a sense of tranquil fury. Maybe one character shouts when they're angry while another one just speaks calmly but coldly. Even minor things like that would really make the characters sound more distinct.

Got it, thanks!

[Rex Glacies]

I see Sunwoo is quite the critique; though there's nothing wrong with some constructive criticism.

Anyway, I've seen a couple of flaws/ odd tidbits, though I've only read the first chapter.

Anyway, first off, when people are thinking, it's usually in italics. You can use "parentheses," but this tends to be confused with what someone is saying. It's best to have thoughts in italics, and "spoken words" in parentheses.

As this is a comedic writing, I won't judge the plot or characters. But some of the jokes, such as the "I'll Make a Man out of You"' segment, while funny, felt out of place. However, this may just be your writing style, and not a flaw in the work.

I noticed that you are writing in the present tense- this is quite interesting. Most people write in the past tense, so it is a pleasant surprise when someone can pull off the present.

There are a couple of grammatical errors, such as misspelled words or a "find" where it should be "found." Nevertheless, it is done quite well, especially given English isn't your first language. I'll look forward to how it turns out.

[Nym]

On 03/05/2017 at 0:50 AM, Rex Glacies said:

I see Sunwoo is quite the critique; though there's nothing wrong with some constructive criticism.

Anyway, I've seen a couple of flaws/ odd tidbits, though I've only read the first chapter.

Anyway, first off, when people are thinking, it's usually in italics. You can use "parentheses," but this tends to be confused with what someone is saying. It's best to have thoughts in italics, and "spoken words" in parentheses.

As this is a comedic writing, I won't judge the plot or characters. But some of the jokes, such as the "I'll Make a Man out of You"' segment, while funny, felt out of place. However, this may just be your writing style, and not a flaw in the work.

I noticed that you are writing in the present tense- this is quite interesting. Most people write in the past tense, so it is a pleasant surprise when someone can pull off the present.

There are a couple of grammatical errors, such as misspelled words or a "find" where it should be "found." Nevertheless, it is done quite well, especially given English isn't your first language. I'll look forward to how it turns out.

Yes he is, that's quite what I was looking for.

I thought adding ''thought'' at the end would be quite enough, but I think it would be better yea.

Oh man, if you think this song is out of place, prepare yourself for the next one, 

Well, althought at first it was both because I have no idea of what I was doing, I choose the present tense because it feels more ''dynamic'' but maybe it's just me.

Thanks, I'll try not to dissapoint anyone :P.

[TheSilentChloey]

I am looking forward to chapter 3 when it's ready  I'm enjoying it so far.

[Nym]

18 hours ago, TheSilentChloey said:

I am looking forward to chapter 3 when it's ready  I'm enjoying it so far.

I'll start working on it tomorrow, I already have a general idea of what I want to do. Luckily I only have one exam left (French) so I don't need to study at all for this one xD.

[TheSilentChloey]

10 hours ago, Nym said:

I'll start working on it tomorrow, I already have a general idea of what I want to do. Luckily I only have one exam left (French) so I don't need to study at all for this one xD.

Good luck  

[Arcanite]

@Nym, I've got a couple questions before I say what I want to say

You don't know me very well, and I don't read much stories like this anyway.

1. What type of story is this exactly? Action? Comedy? What?

2. Are you trying to become better at writing or is this just for fun? Cause that will dictate the type of criticism I give.

3. Is there really no one that can proof read this? Maybe you can split it into a few sections and give a few people a part to edit out for grammatical mistakes as well as other things?

[Nym]

49 minutes ago, Arcanite said:

@Nym, I've got a couple questions before I say what I want to say

You don't know me very well, and I don't read much stories like this anyway.

1. What type of story is this exactly? Action? Comedy? What?

2. Are you trying to become better at writing or is this just for fun? Cause that will dictate the type of criticism I give.

3. Is there really no one that can proof read this? Maybe you can split it into a few sections and give a few people a part to edit out for grammatical mistakes as well as other things?

1. A mix of both but mostly comedy. I took a lot of inspiration from the anime Konosuba since it's a comedy anime with a few action moments and a ''serious'' story.

2. This is mostly for fun but I also try to improve at the same time which is why I want criticism.

3. I don't know, I never asked anyone really. Part of me when me to learn to make less mistakes by reading the story all over again and to correct the mistakes that I made as I read. Unfortunately, I know I'll miss a few of them when I have that many pages and words.

For example, I edited the story this morning since I find a lot of mistakes and a few words that did less sense than I expected.

There's also the part when people also have lives outside of the forum: work, kids and more. I cannot ask that to anyone for that kind of work, especially since I'm just a random guy on the internet (with maybe too much free time on my hands).

So I don't know, just give me your best shot for the criticism.

Edited May 30, 2017 by Nym

[Arcanite]

14 minutes ago, Nym said:

1. A mix of both but mostly comedy. I took a lot of inspiration from the anime Konosuba since it's a comedy anime with a few action moments and a ''serious'' story.

Well I have no idea what Konosuba is XD

But this is the exact answer I expected.

49 minutes ago, Nym said:

2. This is mostly for fun but I also try to improve at the same time which is why I want criticism.

I'm no expert on fan creations and whatnot but:

Spoiler

 

Well if its mostly for fun, then I won't say as much as I need to. I just want to say that the story seemed to move in an awkward direction to me (I only read chapters one and two). It just didn't seem as if there was some specific thing that was happening. Also, some things feel as if they came out of nowhere. Like "Nym was wondering why she was standing still with her eyes closed. Look like her ‘’Skill’’ is Clairvoyance (yeah Chloey forced him to study every single possible ‘’Skill’’ that she noted in her book)."

You don't think this deserved a little more recognition than "Oh yeah btw this happened"? I would have liked to see some sort of mini-scene where Chloe is teaching Nym how to see skills!

 

Speaking of Chloey, I felt they trusted her a little too fast even though she was a complete stranger........ I thought this was good:

Spoiler

"‘’That’s because I’m on a trip, from far away from my homeland.’’ responded Chloey ‘’Anyway, about that plan of yours, let me tell you that it won’t end very well if you do it.’’

‘’Why?’’ asked Rezzy, not happy that a total stranger comes and tell her that her plan sucks."

I mean, I wouldn't be happy too! Who the heck is this chick!? But then:

‘’You may be powerful, but this is still a single woman against a group of brigands. You don’t even have armor on you, a couple of hits from them and well… let’s say you won’t get out of this in one piece. And don’t get me started on their chief, he’s a berserker, he’s extremely dangerous, especially for a person that doesn’t have that much defence.’’ explained Chloey ‘’However, I saw what they just did and I will not ignore this. I may be just a stranger for all of you, but I would like to help you, if you want of course.’’

‘’If you have a better plan, I suppose it’s okay’’

>Complete stranger tells you your plan sucks AND you're not happy

>Complete stranger explains their reasoning

>You now trust complete stranger

>This all happened in a period of what.... 2 minutes?

Emphasis on the fact that she is a complete stranger. I don't know about you, but it'll take a little bit more than some quick reasoning for me to say "Yeah, sure, whatever, I don't mind" to a complete stranger. You could have made some sort of comedic challenge to see if she really wants to "help" and doesn't have some sort of ulterior motive (tacticians are tricky). Like, I don't know, Rezzy could have asked her "Swim through this swamp and you'll have earned our trust" or something. I'm sure a tactician would understand if someone doesn't trust them when they have literally met them for the first time right then and there!

 

There was also one minor nitpick as to word choice.

 

Spoiler

 

"Satisfied of showing her true powers, the mage walks away, leaving a sad Nym alone on the central place. The crowd also left after seeing an exciting battle with such a sad end. Rezzy approaches to her sad pupil.

‘’Nym, I’m proud of you, you know?’’ said Rezzy softly.

‘’I’m sorry that I disappointed you again’’ said the sad pupil."

In 5 sentences you said "sad" 4 times. It may sound extremely nitpicky, but you could have replaced those with different words that could have emphasized the setting/mood of the scene a little more! If you read enough, you'll realize that authors will use different words when another, simpler, word would have sufficed. This is to help convey the feeling they want you to see based on the text. Like I can say "old" or "disgusting", but if I say decrepit and deplorable, you could feel what the author is trying to tell you a little bit better because they are using "better" words!

 

And one last thing I found a little.... weird

Spoiler

"As for Nym, he recovered really fast from his wounds thanks to Rezzy and Chloey (since the latter learned a few tricks about healing when she was a cleric).

However, there’s no time for rest for Chloey. After splitting the tiny army into multiple garrison for the town’s defences, the tiny blonde tactician and the blonde sage have to take care of the wounds of the careless, but brave mage. Luckily, thanks to Rezzy’s heal staff and Chloey’s knowledge (since she was a cleric for some time), he recovers pretty quickly."

You didn't have to say that twice! :P

Don't get mad at me if you don't agree please ;-;

2 hours ago, Nym said:

3. I don't know, I never asked anyone really. Part of me when me to learn to make less mistakes by reading the story all over again and to correct the mistakes that I made as I read. Unfortunately, I know I'll miss a few of them when I have that many pages and words.

Hmm I wish I could do it for you but I may not always have the time :/

The grammar mistakes are a little bit annoying, but its tolerable. Haven't read Chapter 3 yet so we'll see

[Nym]

18 minutes ago, Arcanite said:

Well I have no idea what Konosuba is XD

But this is the exact answer I expected.

Well I explained that it's an anime but it's my inspiration basically :P.

22 minutes ago, Arcanite said:

I'm no expert on fan creations and whatnot but:

  Reveal hidden contents

 

Well if its mostly for fun, then I won't say as much as I need to. I just want to say that the story seemed to move in an awkward direction to me (I only read chapters one and two). It just didn't seem as if there was some specific thing that was happening. Also, some things feel as if they came out of nowhere. Like "Nym was wondering why she was standing still with her eyes closed. Look like her ‘’Skill’’ is Clairvoyance (yeah Chloey forced him to study every single possible ‘’Skill’’ that she noted in her book)."

You don't think this deserved a little more recognition than "Oh yeah btw this happened"? I would have liked to see some sort of mini-scene where Chloe is teaching Nym how to see skills!

 

Speaking of Chloey, I felt they trusted her a little too fast even though she was a complete stranger........ I thought this was good:

  Reveal hidden contents

"‘’That’s because I’m on a trip, from far away from my homeland.’’ responded Chloey ‘’Anyway, about that plan of yours, let me tell you that it won’t end very well if you do it.’’

‘’Why?’’ asked Rezzy, not happy that a total stranger comes and tell her that her plan sucks."

I mean, I wouldn't be happy too! Who the heck is this chick!? But then:

‘’You may be powerful, but this is still a single woman against a group of brigands. You don’t even have armor on you, a couple of hits from them and well… let’s say you won’t get out of this in one piece. And don’t get me started on their chief, he’s a berserker, he’s extremely dangerous, especially for a person that doesn’t have that much defence.’’ explained Chloey ‘’However, I saw what they just did and I will not ignore this. I may be just a stranger for all of you, but I would like to help you, if you want of course.’’

‘’If you have a better plan, I suppose it’s okay’’

>Complete stranger tells you your plan sucks AND you're not happy

>Complete stranger explains their reasoning

>You now trust complete stranger

>This all happened in a period of what.... 2 minutes?

Emphasis on the fact that she is a complete stranger. I don't know about you, but it'll take a little bit more than some quick reasoning for me to say "Yeah, sure, whatever, I don't mind" to a complete stranger. You could have made some sort of comedic challenge to see if she really wants to "help" and doesn't have some sort of ulterior motive (tacticians are tricky). Like, I don't know, Rezzy could have asked her "Swim through this swamp and you'll have earned our trust" or something. I'm sure a tactician would understand if someone doesn't trust them when they have literally met them for the first time right then and there!

 

There was also one minor nitpick as to word choice.

 

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"Satisfied of showing her true powers, the mage walks away, leaving a sad Nym alone on the central place. The crowd also left after seeing an exciting battle with such a sad end. Rezzy approaches to her sad pupil.

‘’Nym, I’m proud of you, you know?’’ said Rezzy softly.

‘’I’m sorry that I disappointed you again’’ said the sad pupil."

In 5 sentences you said "sad" 4 times. It may sound extremely nitpicky, but you could have replaced those with different words that could have emphasized the setting/mood of the scene a little more! If you read enough, you'll realize that authors will use different words when another, simpler, word would have sufficed. This is to help convey the feeling they want you to see based on the text. Like I can say "old" or "disgusting", but if I say decrepit and deplorable, you could feel what the author is trying to tell you a little bit better because they are using "better" words!

 

And one last thing I found a little.... weird

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"As for Nym, he recovered really fast from his wounds thanks to Rezzy and Chloey (since the latter learned a few tricks about healing when she was a cleric).

However, there’s no time for rest for Chloey. After splitting the tiny army into multiple garrison for the town’s defences, the tiny blonde tactician and the blonde sage have to take care of the wounds of the careless, but brave mage. Luckily, thanks to Rezzy’s heal staff and Chloey’s knowledge (since she was a cleric for some time), he recovers pretty quickly."

You didn't have to say that twice! :P

Don't get mad at me if you don't agree please ;-;

Hmm I wish I could do it for you but I may not always have the time :/

The grammar mistakes are a little bit annoying, but its tolerable. Haven't read Chapter 3 yet so we'll see

Yeah... about Chapter 1:

Spoiler

I think I don't surprise you by saying it's is far from being perfect.

I wrote Chapter 1 at the time of the SFS 2016 contest (and I wrote everything in like 2 weeks) which it is already almost 3 months ago. I wasn't that much busy but I still had to rush it a little bit.

Also I didn't want to write too many pages because I thought it would be too boring at some point.

I think I'll rewrite Chapter 1, or at least, do a few modifications to it at some point. I don't know when exactly but I'll do it for sure.

Also why would I be mad, I literally asked you to give me your best shot.