''Skills'' Feedback Thread

[Nym]

@Rezzy @TheSilentChloey @Oboro! @Rex Glacies @DisobeyedCargo

 Chapter 1 was really... not great compare to the others because not only was it the first but I had to hurry up to write it because it was for  the SFS contest.

However this resulted in the chapter being a total mess.

I just finished rewriting Chapter 1, it may not be perfect but it's at least better than before.

However because of story purposes, I had to make a few differences between the two versions. The ending is the exact same tho.

For those who already have read Chapter 1 but don't want to read it again because lack of time/kids but wish to know the differences, here below are the important differences that will be stay for the future chapters.

Spoiler

• Following Rezzy's idea, her character has now red hair instead of blonde.
• Nym is now an outsider that got accepted inside the village instead of being native from the village.
• He now works for Anna in her shop, his only way to get food on his table.
• Nym knew that something was ''weird'' about his magic before Chloey explained what it was to him.
• Rezzy is now more hostile towards Chloey but try to stay friendly while keeping an eye on her.
• Instead of learning what is a ''Skill'' from Chloey, Rezzy eavedropped Nym and Chloey talking about it when she was behind her pupil's tent.
• All the recruits aside from Nym and Harve were villagers before being promoted.
• Ralm and Relm are not longer not interested by Nym's Skill, they found him a nuisance since he saw them doing the ritual.

 

Edited July 30, 2017 by Nym

[TheSilentChloey]

Makes sense to me.  I have to go through said chapter again because the last time I saw it, it wasn't quite finished.  I have noticed some minor issues but I'll do the full list via PM. 

[Rex Glacies]

I just found the time to procrastinate read and reread some of the story, and decided to state a few things. This is mostly just small grammatical errors I noticed. I also only did so in Chapters 7-9; I might go through with the other chapters as well.

Oh, the things I noted are in bold.

Spoiler

Chapter 7:

Spoiler

Chloey shivers just to think of this idiot. To think he would betray his own people for a few bags of coin, good thing he's in prison. She can only hope the enxt one will not make the same mistakes.

Simple mistake; you simply pressed the "e" before the "n." It's happened to me numerous itmes in htis forum.

Quote

''Exactly, there's nothing left for him to learn as a mage! B class and above are for sage only, have you forgot?'' Chloey replied, about to shout. ''Quit control him and mother him like he was one of your kids!''

"Control" should be "controlling," with an added l and -ing. The sage remark works as is, though I think it might sound better if you added an "s" to make it plural.

Chapter 8:

Quote

Everyone looked over Rezzy, hoping an answer.

This doesn't sound right. Perhaps you should add a "towards" after "over," or replace "over" altogether. I also think there is a "for" missing in between "hoping" and "an."

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''Are you sure about this, Captain?'' asked Harve in a very serious tone. ''This is not something that Nym will approuve, he will surely try to stop us.''

I think this is the British spelling. Nothing wrong with it. However, I did notice as I was copying it that your quotes ('') are actually two apostrophes ('). I'm not certain as to your keyboard, but I think that most of them have a key for quotes ("), which might make writing a bit easier.

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Yea... but she's going to be mad that you bring three outsiders to the village. I know her well... mumbled Nym.

In a forum setting, I'm perfectly fine seeing something like this - using the forum tools in the story itself. In fact, I like it a lot. But, it likely wouldn't fly in an official book or so - I think it's seen as unprofessional.

Quote

''You look like one tho.'' mocked Nym.

I think I saw this elsewhere as well. While the internet doesn't care, the correct word is "though." Though, "tho" could work as a more informal "though" for slang or a joke, or so.

Quote

''Enough, Nym.'' said Lucina. ''Do not tease Nah like that, she just... grow slowly.''

There should be an "s" at the end of "grow."

Quote

''Indeed, do not understimate Nah, she could beat you in a heartbeat. said Laurent as he adjusts his glasses. ''She isn't part of the royal guard for nothing, you know.''

Underestimate. Serenesforest has a spellcheck, so if you wanted to, before posting the story you could reread it and check for any misspelled words. You also forgot to add end quotes after "heartbeat."

Also, another thing I noticed with quotes. You often use a period where it should be a comma. It's kinda difficult to figure out the exact rule of periods, commas, and quotation marks, but this might help:

Quote

"You should use a comma when it has not yet been stated who is speaking," said Rex Glacies. "But use a period when the paragraph is over."

"Also, use a period when it doesn't say who spoke."

"So, use a period when all is said and done, and a comma when there is still something to be added," finished Rex Glacies, content with his example.

It can be difficult to figure out (even I have trouble sometimes) but I trust you can do it.

Chapter 9:

Quote

While they run for shelter, Nym explains to the group that this region has sometimes massive rainstorms.

Not actually a grammatical error, but I'm confused. Have the Ylissians never seen a rainstorm?

Quote

However along the way, Nym notices that Chloey seems to be lost in thoughts.

''Something on your mind?'' asked the mage, worried but also tired of this silence.

''Oh!'' said Chloey, realizing that she was lost in thoughts. ''Ergh, yes! But it's nothing you need to worry about.''

I get the reference even though she's not all alone, but stating it twice is a bit redundant. Maybe you should change one of them to "unfocused" or "distracted."

Quote

Chloey turns her head over the mage. Just like her, he realized that they got fooled: the maids actually holded back in the last battle, losing on purpose so they would have time to channel their spells that snag their ''Skills''. Last time, they got saved by Merlin before they could use their spell but now...

Firstly, "held" is the correct past tense, not "holded." Secondly, I'm not certain. I was thinking "got" should be "were," but feeling something was off I looked it up and both (got or were) are correct. "Got" is merely an informal usage, while "were" is more formal. But both are completely acceptable.

Quote

''How?'' I thought we were done for.'' said Chloey before realizing who is their saviour.

You added a quotation mark after the question mark, even though Chloey wasn't done talking.

Quote

''Your friends saw a dangerous magic user in the forest heading towards, and they quickly warned us.'' explained the sage. ''And of course they were after you two.''

I think you should add "the town" after "towards," or something else of that sort.

Quote

But Nym was looking at the horizon, acting like he's not paying  attention before also sighting.

I think he's sighing - a simple mistake, happens all the time.

Quote

''What?'' asked Chloey, even more in shock. ''You ditch us now!?

I believe this should be "you are" or "you're." This change would also make "ditch" "ditching." Though it's actually really funny as is.

Quote

''There's not a lot of things that I hate, Chloey. But being lied in front of my face by two person, one that I gave my energy, trust and time to them is something that I don't hate, I LOATHE IT.'' shouted the sage, very angry. ''And I bet most people here feel the same way.

"Two person" should be "two people." There is also a missing quotation mark after "way." If you want more emotion, you could change "angry" to "outraged" or another synonym. You could also try to show, not tell - "shouted the sage, her hands trembling in frustration."

Quote

''Get out, please both of you and the other three, get out! Do not come back, ever!'' cried Rezzy as she turns around to not look at them. ''And you Chloey, we were planning to kick you out but... I guess this will do. You are the one mostly at fault, Chloey. If you wouldn't have brought your problems here, nothing would have happen.'' she said, even more angry.''And... if you comeback, we will not hesitate to strike you down, after all, you lost what made you different from us.''

I get what Rezzy's saying here, and it is indeed powerful and emotional. But I don't think this is the right wording - shouldn't they have lost what made them similar? Or did I miss something?

Quote

Without a world, Chloey, Nym, Lucina, Laurent got out of the village. They departed to the forest and the Outrealm to finally comeback to Ylisse. For sure, today the tiny tactician and the blond mage lost both their power... and valuable allies.

Again, simple mistake, you accidentally added an l. Ironically, this is when the group goes to a different world anyway.

And a suggestion: instead of "got," might you want to use "ran" or "fled?" It might be a more powerful usage of wording. And I don't have anything against the word "got." I swear!

A bit excessive, maybe and now I feel like an English teacher or something. But yeah. Just a couple of easy fix mistakes you might want to consider. My apologies if it feels like nitpicking.

[Nym]

1 hour ago, Rex Glacies said:

I just found the time to procrastinate read and reread some of the story, and decided to state a few things. This is mostly just small grammatical errors I noticed. I also only did so in Chapters 7-9; I might go through with the other chapters as well.

Oh, the things I noted are in bold.

  Hide contents

Chapter 7:

  Hide contents

Chloey shivers just to think of this idiot. To think he would betray his own people for a few bags of coin, good thing he's in prison. She can only hope the enxt one will not make the same mistakes.

Simple mistake; you simply pressed the "e" before the "n." It's happened to me numerous itmes in htis forum.

"Control" should be "controlling," with an added l and -ing. The sage remark works as is, though I think it might sound better if you added an "s" to make it plural.

Chapter 8:

This doesn't sound right. Perhaps you should add a "towards" after "over," or replace "over" altogether. I also think there is a "for" missing in between "hoping" and "an."

I think this is the British spelling. Nothing wrong with it. However, I did notice as I was copying it that your quotes ('') are actually two apostrophes ('). I'm not certain as to your keyboard, but I think that most of them have a key for quotes ("), which might make writing a bit easier.

In a forum setting, I'm perfectly fine seeing something like this - using the forum tools in the story itself. In fact, I like it a lot. But, it likely wouldn't fly in an official book or so - I think it's seen as unprofessional.

I think I saw this elsewhere as well. While the internet doesn't care, the correct word is "though." Though, "tho" could work as a more informal "though" for slang or a joke, or so.

There should be an "s" at the end of "grow."

Underestimate. Serenesforest has a spellcheck, so if you wanted to, before posting the story you could reread it and check for any misspelled words. You also forgot to add end quotes after "heartbeat."Als

Also, another thing I noticed with quotes. You often use a period where it should be a comma. It's kinda difficult to figure out the exact rule of periods, commas, and quotation marks, but this might help:

 

It can be difficult to figure out (even I have trouble sometimes) but I trust you can do it.

Not actually a grammatical error, but I'm confused. Have the Ylissians never seen a rainstorm?

I get the reference even though she's not all alone, but stating it twice is a bit redundant. Maybe you should change one of them to "unfocused" or "distracted."

Firstly, "held" is the correct past tense, not "holded." Secondly, I'm not certain. I was thinking "got" should be "were," but feeling something was off I looked it up and both (got or were) are correct. "Got" is merely an informal usage, while "were" is more formal. But both are completely acceptable.

You added a quotation mark after the question mark, even though Chloey wasn't done talking.

I think you should add "the town" after "towards," or something else of that sort.

I think he's sighing - a simple mistake, happens all the time.

I believe this should be "you are" or "you're." This change would also make "ditch" "ditching." Though it's actually really funny as is.

"Two person" should be "two people." There is also a missing quotation mark after "way." If you want more emotion, you could change "angry" to "outraged" or another synonym. You could also try to show, not tell - "shouted the sage, her hands trembling in frustration."

I get what Rezzy's saying here, and it is indeed powerful and emotional. But I don't think this is the right wording - shouldn't they have lost what made them similar? Or did I miss something?

Again, simple mistake, you accidentally added an l. Ironically, this is when the group goes to a different world anyway.

And a suggestion: instead of "got," might you want to use "ran" or "fled?" It might be a more powerful usage of wording. And I don't have anything against the word "got." I swear!

A bit excessive, maybe and now I feel like an English teacher or something. But yeah. Just a couple of easy fix mistakes you might want to consider. My apologies if it feels like nitpicking.

Wow thanks!

Good thing I finished a chpater so I can work on that.

I'll correct them thanks again, so I'll just inform on...

Quote

I think this is the British spelling. Nothing wrong with it. However, I did notice as I was copying it that your quotes ('') are actually two apostrophes ('). I'm not certain as to your keyboard, but I think that most of them have a key for quotes ("), which might make writing a bit easier.

Unfortunately I have a French keyboard and the quotes in French are different (« ») so yea :P.

Quote

Also, another thing I noticed with quotes. You often use a period where it should be a comma. It's kinda difficult to figure out the exact rule of periods, commas, and quotation marks, but this might help:

It can be difficult to figure out (even I have trouble sometimes) but I trust you can do it.

Thanks! That will help indeed.

Quote

Not actually a grammatical error, but I'm confused. Have the Ylissians never seen a rainstorm?

They did, it's just that this part of the world has a little more rainstorms than the others.

Quote

I get what Rezzy's saying here, and it is indeed powerful and emotional. But I don't think this is the right wording - shouldn't they have lost what made them similar? Or did I miss something?

Nym and Chloey were the only one to have the special ''Skills'' (special being things like Astra or Sol, normal and much weaker skills like let's say magic + 5 can be learned by everyone else as long as you are in that class) and because of them, they were considered by Rezzy to be different or even on another level of power.

[TheSilentChloey]

25 minutes ago, Nym said:

Reinhart teached me how use a sword since I was four

It should read as taught, in the context of what your character is saying there mate

[Nym]

2 minutes ago, TheSilentChloey said:

It should read as taught, in the context of what your character is saying there mate

Oops

[TheSilentChloey]

Just now, Nym said:

Oops

It's all good.  I  understood what you meant.

[Nym]

Actually amazing from a Yu-Gi-Oh reference to this: Chapter 15 is out!

[TheSilentChloey]

On 10/8/2017 at 3:39 PM, Nym said:

Actually amazing from a Yu-Gi-Oh reference to this: Chapter 15 is out!

Poor Nym, so far things just haven't been going his way.  A good chapter (although you already knew I thought that).  The set up is making me think that something very serious had happened.

[Pengaius]

One recurring problem I see is sometimes you put adjectives in front of characters actions 

e.g says angrily rezzy when it should be says rezzy angrily

Also for the not forced relationship part with the glacies skill the correct term for not forced is consensual.

Other than that you got some good work though I feel the dragon was kinda underwhelming I mean lora appears to summon it and its gone like three seconds later sorta anticlimactic don'cha think

[Nym]

19 hours ago, Pengaius said:

One recurring problem I see is sometimes you put adjectives in front of characters actions 

e.g says angrily rezzy when it should be says rezzy angrily

Also for the not forced relationship part with the glacies skill the correct term for not forced is consensual.

Other than that you got some good work though I feel the dragon was kinda underwhelming I mean lora appears to summon it and its gone like three seconds later sorta anticlimactic don'cha think

I'll take note for that

Actually that's kinda part of the joke since they story is suppose to be a mix of comedy and action (althought I went more for the latter from these part few chapters).

I don't know if maybe I should add a few elements or maybe because we can't feel the joke or something.

[Rezzy]

Sorry, I hope you don't think I've forgotten about your story.  Sadly, with the two kids, I haven't been able to read a book, let alone your story in months.

The only reason I've been able to keep up with FE Heroes is because I can multitask playing that, since I can play it for 5 minutes at a time and put it down at a moments' notice.

Maybe one of these days, I'll get caught up to the point I can read again.  I've been meaning to read a Song of Ice and Fire, but haven't even been able to think about starting that.

[Nym]

27 minutes ago, Rezzy said:

Sorry, I hope you don't think I've forgotten about your story.  Sadly, with the two kids, I haven't been able to read a book, let alone your story in months.

The only reason I've been able to keep up with FE Heroes is because I can multitask playing that, since I can play it for 5 minutes at a time and put it down at a moments' notice.

Maybe one of these days, I'll get caught up to the point I can read again.  I've been meaning to read a Song of Ice and Fire, but haven't even been able to think about starting that.

No worries Rezzy I can fully understand that, having kids can drain most of your time.

I just stopped to send you pm about next chapters because I didn't want you to feel bombarded.

[Rezzy]

4 minutes ago, Nym said:

No worries Rezzy I can fully understand that, having kids can drain most of your time.

I just stopped to send you pm about next chapters because I didn't want you to feel bombarded.

Thanks, just wanted you to know I didn't forget.

[Nym]

9 minutes ago, Rezzy said:

Thanks, just wanted you to know I didn't forget.

You're welcome, I'll never forget about your busy life with your kids and Wolf, rest assured XD

[TheSilentChloey]

Quote

''Make gold if you shall my daughters, but make sure to also act for the greater good,'' added Gatekeeper Anna ''Those was the words of our very wise mother.''

I believe it would be better to put "were" instead of "was".  It'll make more sense that way Nym

[Nym]

Just now, TheSilentChloey said:

I believe it would be better to put "were" instead of "was".  It'll make more sense that way Nym

Oops

[TheSilentChloey]

And there are some minor inconsistencies in the last part as well I noticed.

 

Quote

''Yes, I remember her now. She was selling weapons and goods in the local market in tom. Relm and I visited her quite a few times when he was younger.'' he explained. ''She also helped Lord Roswaal quite a few times, maybe they are working together now.

''I see you are still a traitor.'' mocked Anna.

He didn't really care, he wasn't very intimidated by a chained Anna.

''Anyway, I hope you like my fun in my thief proof prison. Hope you like fun!'' said Chloey before ordering that we take her away.

The better way for this would be:

Quote

''Yes, I remember her now. She was selling weapons and goods in the local market in town. Relm and I visited her quite a few times when she was younger.'' he explained. ''She also helped Lord Roswaal quite a few times; maybe they are working together now."

''I see you are still a traitor.'' mocked Anna.

He didn't really care; he wasn't very intimidated by a chained Anna.

''Anyway, I hope you have fun in my thief proof prison!'' said Chloey before ordering that the rouge Anna be taken away.

I think so at least.  The end was a little bit confusing.

[Nym]

1 minute ago, TheSilentChloey said:

And there are some minor inconsistencies in the last part as well I noticed.

 

The better way for this would be:

I think so at least.  The end was a little bit confusing.

Chloey to the rescue I see

[TheSilentChloey]

Just now, Nym said:

Chloey to the rescue I see

 

I wouldn't say that!  I'd just say that it's a case of helping you out

[Nym]

9 minutes ago, TheSilentChloey said:

 

I wouldn't say that!  I'd just say that it's a case of helping you out

Thanks XD 

[TheSilentChloey]

5 hours ago, Nym said:

Thanks XD 

You're welcome Nym

[TheSilentChloey]

Another good chapter  certainly lots of fun to read~!

[Nym]

6 hours ago, TheSilentChloey said:

Another good chapter  certainly lots of fun to read~!

Thanks Chloey XD

[TheSilentChloey]

You're welcome