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1 hour ago, LucarioGamer812 said:

Nah someone typed a ( and just rotated it.

You are right. That is the lenny face mouth. Edy did the lenny face before it was cool :O

Edited by MadJak91

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Viewer beware, you're in for a scare!

Because it's Friday the 13th.

It's time to watch our troops go Jason Voorhees on some Imps.

Chapter 6-5: What Was the Name of That Song?

Spoiler

As always, let's recap.

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Where we last left off:

  • I kept trying to dissuade Edy from pursuing a career in acting by painting broad strokes with sexual predators in Hollywood
  • Catherine... arrived
  • Nadine can't roadie for shit
  • Welkin was extremely derpy and drove his tank out in the open for no reason, thus resulting in the damage you see in this shot

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  • We learned from a Pawn that Imp snipers hunt in packs wait, wrong game
  • There's a fuckin' enemy sniper just sitting at the base, being the little tittly twat he is
  • Edy became Kenshiro from Fist of the North Star for some reason
  • Isara is done with this shit

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And Jann has arrived RGaYS2c.png

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Look at these assholes...

So say hello to our new friend.

His name is Sergeant Go-Fuck-Yourself.

He's an enemy sniper.

And he needs to die!

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So let's do that, shall we?

And finally acquire a net-positive to the CUC.

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It takes not one, but two headshots to kill him.

He really is Sergeant Go-Fuck-Yourself, isn't he?  Not only is he just naturally an asshole by virtue of him being an enemy sniper, but he's hard-headed, too.

Well, you ain't stoppin' the Catty Train!

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Fucc

The dick shot her, so now...

uh, a potential has proc'd that lowers her defense.

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Remind me, how exactly does this impede a goddamn sniper, who shouldn't be under heavy gunfire in the first place and is likely to die in two shots from enemy snipers anyway?

Oh right...

It fucking doesn't.

So now Catherine the Tsar with 14 HP is being impeded by an entirely pointless debuff.

Will she survive the encounter?

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You bet your damn ass she will.

Now you can go fuck yourself, Sergeant.

Have.

A.

Nice.

Trip.

To HELL.

Or the equivalent of which Isara is the owner, proprietor, and manager of.

Spoiler

We don't talk about it here.  Theimer Studios Inc. won't allow me to even say anymore than that.  But I assume you can imagine what it'd be like.

All of Isara's enemies go there.  They really don't want to go there.  That's all you need to know.

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Never got to show this animation off...

And I still won't.  At least, not with a gif.

But here, she says, "I'm not done yet!" and...

Well, yeah.  You aren't done yet.  This goes on for... at least another turn, I think.

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So for now, I'll plant her behind these sandbags, and-

wait...

On 10/10/2017 at 10:23 PM, Ertrick36 said:

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This is always a really good place to put your backing sniper for this map.  The stairs serve as excellent cover, and she has immediate access to the roof for when we need her assistance.

On 10/10/2017 at 10:23 PM, Ertrick36 said:

The stairs serve as excellent cover, and she has immediate access to the roof for when we need her assistance.

On 10/10/2017 at 10:23 PM, Ertrick36 said:

The stairs serve as excellent cover

fucc

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*Insert some comical ragtime music here*

This doesn't count as Catherine being useless because of what I do next.

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Definitely not pictured: me save-scumming like a total bitch.

Actually, I've been save-scumming... to a moderate degree on this map.  Mostly because I made stupid decisions like this.

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So again, we kill Sergeant Go-Fuck-Yourself, and wind up in pretty much the exact same situation as before, with Catherine at 14 HP and her existential crisis proc'd.

Though this time, not only does the fine sergeant give us a slightly different send-off pose than last time, but I'm also not gonna have Catherine run behind those limp-dick-useless sandbags.

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There we be.  Probably would've been better to put her on the stairs... but it's better than the place I was about to put her at before.

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Gonna have Musaad give Catherine some steroids.

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And have him run through the desert to join Edy.

Why?

You'll see soon enough.  Or maybe it's more accurate to say that we won't see soon enough.

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The... almost last member of the desert charge squad will be Jann.

Because it'd be really nice to take down those goddamn tanks.

No one likes tank snipers, after all.

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Speaking of sniping and tanks...

Let's snipe this bitch in particular, shall we?

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Yeeeaaaahhhh.

Here's a funny thing; Jann also says a variation of "please hit", just like our friendly neighborhood bread-baking serial killer Alicia.

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Let's get Jann moving so that he can at least cover some more ground on his quest to destroy the other tanks.

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Or... I guess we can proc a cutscene?

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Oh... is it already time? :Kappa:

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Oh, hello, Isara; it feels like forever since I last saw you in-game.

You damn well bet it is time...

The Barius Desert...

Is conjuring...

A N C I E N T   M E M E S !

 

It has come!

The Darude Sandstorm is here RGaYS2c.png

Now for as long as this sandstorm stays, you must listen to the song.  If it ends, loop it.

Better read fast.

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You say they're infamous for sandstorms? :Kappa: :Kappa: :Kappa:

Gee, how many people fell for this joke here?

I think maybe the Darcsen Calamity wasn't caused by magic nukes, but rather ancient Darcsen trolls who created a remix of Sandstorm with enough bass to kill a whale and gathered a bunch of musical connoisseurs to partake in the song that they know all but the name of.

Pretty tragic if that's the case.  As of right now, 81 million people have viewed the video I linked, so that'd be a lot of people killed by meme music.  It's a musical holocaust.

Ahem... anyway...

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Wow, the song is powerful enough to not only deafen you, but also make you go blind?

Fuck man, that's insane!

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You dumb, worthless fuck...

All this work I do for you.  Maintaining your stupid tank, working with the R&D team to make your weapons...  Those big "ideas" you had?  Also were my achievements.  I was the one who made our tank into a goddamn submarine.  I was the one who prevented a full company from swarming us in our first campaign.  Hell, I was the one who led you to the damn tank in the first place.

And just now you choose to repay me, and with little more than a "Thanks, Is"?

You are living on borrowed time, boy.  You are little more than a small scrub in this world, I a towering giant.  You succeed at my whim.  You better learn to show me more respect.

And by the way, I've labeled this picture "Isara Done With Your Shit 3".  Yeah, I have three of these things now.  Here are the other two.

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You better watch out, Welks.  Isara's had it with your crap.  The proof is in her eyes, furrowed brow, and pursed lips.  She's onto you, so you better shape up...

You don't wanna go to Isara Hell, would you?

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Anyway, so Darude's hit us with a Sandstorm.  I love how right after the dialogue, it just sort of happens.

This was the reason why I tried to move Welkin up; I thought he'd trigger the event.  It was either that or... well, what I did with Jann.

So the thing about this sandstorm is that your sighting line is extremely limited; I think it's less so with Scouts, which is why I moved Mole Rat up a bit.

Take this image for example; there's a tank not too far up ahead (you can see it on the left), but for gameplay purposes, Jann can't actually see the tank.

However, this doesn't mean that you can't still shoot at them; you very much can.  In fact, any time vision is obscured like this, you can cheese the game by firing "blindly" at the enemy.  You do this correctly, the enemy will never dodge.  Not only that, but enemies have a harder time finding you.  Those asshole snipers?  They're never gonna attack us in this storm, not even through interception fire.

So basically, we have a huge advantage over the enemy now.  We're pretty much unstoppable.  In a meme, we have...

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So what do I do with this newfound power?  Will I hate on the sand I walk on?  Will I slaughter the women and children of the Empire like animals?  How about younglings?

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Actually, I'm just gunnin' for the enemy tank.

Jann's far enough away that the tank's interception fire didn't activate, so that's nice.

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Yup...

And the nice thing is, I can just have Jann stand in the middle of the wasteland here because the enemy can't target him.

Thank you, Darude RGaYS2c.png

Can I just call a sandstorm "Darude's Protection" from now on?

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Also reconfiguring Homer's location.

I want an engineer to be following Jann, and due to his potentials, it's better if that engineer is a dude, and Nadine, as far as I know, is definitely no bro, bro.

Next... maybe Edy will get more spotlight, 'cuz I'll use-

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Okay, there are a number of things wrong here.

First of all, fucker took Edy's health down to half.

Secondly, Panicky has proc'd, which is never a good thing.

Thirdly, how the fuck is it that I managed to cause her to levitate over this trench at probably the worst possible time?

She can't crouch at all...

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fucc

Can't even kill the guy.

And he took even more of her health away.

I think we just came across Corporal Eat-a-Dick.

Well...

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Fuck it, lob a grenade at the dude ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

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Catherine out here earnin' respec n' killin' dudes with demeaning names.

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Yeah, yeah, you go eat a dick, bitch!

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Not gonna make the same mistake twice.

You stay on the stairs.

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Also gonna have Mizz Novelist Rockstar here repair the tank.  Because I really don't want to have to do this all over.

Now let's see what the enemy does.

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fucc

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Yeah, see them question marks?

Love that.

What's more concerning is that we can still see one of the tanks.  That means the tank can probably see one of our units; probably Edy.

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Okay, at this point, the enemy's just trying to piss me off.

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Vroom vroom, bitches.

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Well now...

I guess the commander of this tank is Lieutenant Asshole himself, because FUCK YOU.

That being said, if none of the enemies run towards Edy, this will actually all be fine.

Also, let's admire the pose Edy's taking on.  Even on the verge of death, she still tries to exude an air of elegance by practicing her dance poses.

Truly, Edy is an asset to our team.

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So more pointless tank driving...

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You fuck, you better stay away from Edy!

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Somebody stop me, please.

And I think this is the Ace of the map that's moving around.  He's hiding behind a wall in the middle of the desert.  I think he's a sniper, but I don't remember.

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Oh, thank Isara, the enemy didn't capture Edy!

With that said...

 

I'm gonna break the pinky promise I made and stop here..  Though I guarantee that the next part will be the end of the gameplay segment of this chapter.

I'll be back after Isara chops my pinky finger off.  Until then, stay safe, and make sure to not choke on a sandwich or ruin your keyboard.

 

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1 hour ago, Ertrick36 said:

Also, let's admire the pose Edy's taking on.  Even on the verge of death, she still tries to exude an air of elegance by practicing her dance poses.

Truly, Edy is an asset to our team.

Dang it Edy you had one job and you blew it! You were already a rising star so that's why they targeted you and sadly you'll never attain your dreams of Stardom. At least not as soon once you get out of the Ragnaid tank (since assuming it works like Bacta).

1 hour ago, Ertrick36 said:

And I think this is the Ace of the map that's moving around.  He's hiding behind a wall in the middle of the desert.  I think he's a sniper, but I don't remember.

I remember this. He is a Sniper, I remember as I had moved Edy ahead enough to Flank that I accidentally found him and Edy killed him instantly. Man all this talk of Edy makes me want to use her even more in Valkyria (but she's already deployed on every map as it is)

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On 10/13/2017 at 3:22 PM, LucarioGamer812 said:

Dang it Edy you had one job and you blew it! You were already a rising star so that's why they targeted you and sadly you'll never attain your dreams of Stardom. At least not as soon once you get out of the Ragnaid tank (since assuming it works like Bacta).

Spoiler

I imagine that's what they put Selvaria in when they were experimenting on her.

 

On 10/13/2017 at 3:22 PM, LucarioGamer812 said:

I remember this. He is a Sniper, I remember as I had moved Edy ahead enough to Flank that I accidentally found him and Edy killed him instantly. Man all this talk of Edy makes me want to use her even more in Valkyria (but she's already deployed on every map as it is)

Wait 'till you see how I have to deal with him...

It definitely isn't through an "accident", I'll tell you that much.

 

So a couple days back, one of my cats escaped into my backyard, and I had to spend a good few hours trying to fetch him from under a deck.  This has nothing to do with the LP, but I wanted everyone to know what a dumb, pain-in-the-neck, bitch-ass cat he is.  Though he's also adorable, isn't a total recluse, and loves to snuggle with people, so he's forgiven.

Also getting addicted to this little game called Stardew Valley.  In it, I find the local mayor's lost purple "funtime" shorts, help a local Walmart stocker deal with his alcoholism and existential dread, talk to kids about the realities of war while their dad is actively serving the military, and enter a psychedelic dancer chick's (probably drug-induced) dream.  Oh, and it's supposed to be a cute little farming game, apparently?

Anyway...

Do you wish to continue the Eeeellllll Pee?  Yes orrrr no?

Chapter 6-6: Darude's Protection Is Now Ready to Roll! (Gameplay)

Spoiler

RSWdN2z.png

But is Genny ready to roll?

So the usual deal is in order...  Though this will be the last gameplay portion.  That's right, folks, after several weeks, we'll finally be done with this garbage RGaYS2c.png

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Where... we... last... left... off.

  • Darude Sandstorm
  • Also, apparently someone died

So now unfortunately, Darude's protection has expired for the time being.  But like "Daruk's Protection" from Zelda, it recharges after a time RGaYS2c.png

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For now, we've got a bit of a sticky situation.  Though it isn't nothing that a little ingenuity can't fix.

Or should I say...

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ENGINE-NUI-

Oh, I didn't use him yet?

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Oh that's right, there's a stupid sniper bitch sittin' there.

Lemme introduce you to the direct superior of Sergeant Go-Fuck-Yourself, Lieutenant Fucked-Your-Mom.

They may be different people, but there's one similarity between them that will shock you to your very core; they're both assholes!

Look at what this fuck did to Catherine's health!

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Wow, I can take him down in one shot?

That's a rare occurrence...  Or at least, it feels rare.

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...

Spoiler

I'm sorry, but all I can think of while watching this guy fall down is this song:

So beautiful... and so tragic ;_;7

Right, so Lieutenant Fucked-Your-Mom is fucking dead.  Can you believe it?  Man, I've been using a lot of "fucks" in this LP lately.

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Now time to run to Mr. Simpson.  I don't know how his experience working at a nuclear power plant will help here, but don't worry your head over the details.

Is it too late to make my "engine-nuity" joke?

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He'll just cram a little capsule that definitely doesn't contain radioactive material into her spine!

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And now have him run to Jann to resupply...

Now that we've fielded pretty much all the troops and have them running through the desert without nameless horses, many turns will be spent mostly moving the troops around...

I'll spare you such details and only show you the important stuff.  That is:

  • When I kill someone/a tank
  • When an enemy kills one of my troops
  • A significant struggle or event happens
  • I capture the flag

Because if I keep showing you every action they take, this thing will go on well passed Halloween.

bxBSGLW.png

So I have Abused Homer Simpson rescue his informal commander.

I just realized that I probably should've put that Celine Dion right after Edy got taken down...

Also, when he rescues someone, he'll usually either say "It's my place to die, not yours," or "I'll probably be next".

This fuggin' guy, though :sob:

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Damn, this looks like the start of a spaghetti western confrontation.

In fact, it is a confrontation!  Let me get some fitting music for this.

So while you're listening to the sweet toons of Zelda, lemme spin some yarn on the situation.

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Our quarry here is Malya the Dust.  N' he's been up to no good down in these parts.

Once a typical ranch hand, the damn Empire razed his farm and killed his entire family.  At the feeble age of eight, he turned to a life o' crime, plunderin' folks's live stock and cattle rustlin' like a mother trucker.  He din't care what way the winds blew; Imperials, Feds, Gallians... as long as there was good money in it for him, he cared not for the lives of the folks he hurt.

Then one fateful day, Lord Maximilian noticed his tenacity and had his troops capture ol' Malya.  But unlike most crooks, this fella wouldn't go down to the gallows.  Instead, Maximilian gave the dastardly villain a highfalutin job as one of the most esteemed of his stack o' Spades.

Now this Ace, best known for his duckin' n' coverin', has become a right terror for the Gallian defenders.  That is, until one brave man stood toe-to-toe with him.  The man, the legend... Homer Peron.

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Our gunslingin' hero had a plan to deal with Dust's dodgin'; he would use Wavy's patented Boy Scout Grenades so that the sly fox would have nowheres to run.

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Though dodge he did try, he couldn't escape the blasts of Wavy's brilliant invention.

"Grr... you damned cheater!" Malya cried out.

"Sorry..." Homer mumbled...  "But your days of cheating death are over."

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And Homer, being the smart hound he is, ran to cover before Dust the sniper could react.

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The very next time, Homer surprised his fast-totin' foe with another grenade, but this time thrown from behind the safety of this sturdy wall.

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Before he chucked the last grenade, he smirked grimly.  Rememberin' the days when Malya would sit by the fire with him, enjoyin' good ol' campfire tales, it made him slightly sad that it had come down to this.  But Homer always remembered the words of his dear friend.

"Homey boy, if I were to ever turn to villainy and start workin' with folks who call 'emselves Go-Fuck-Yourself and Fucked-Your-Mom, I would want you to show me no mercy... I'd want you to be the one to kill me."

And so... he loosened the grenade from his grasp and let it fly to the feet of his former friend.

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The grenade blasted ol' Malya the Dust off his feet, causing him to land on his head and break his neck...

This... was the end of Malya the Dust.

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Homer let out a heavy sigh of relief as this chapter of his life comes to a close.

He no longer had any loose ends to tie up; no more weights holding him back from destroying the Empire.  He would now remain fiercely loyal to Edy Nelson and, by extension, President Superior GUNSLINGIN' Cold-Blooded Overachieving Worldwide Tank Driving Genocidal Fast-Thinking Code-Talker the Post Apocalyptic Bitter as Hell Time Travelling Ultra Grande Exalt of Ylisse, Europa, Black Mesa, America, and Magvel, Daedric Prince of MADNESS and Cheese Driven G-Approved Interdimensional Agent of the Porcavian Pigs and Wildwoods who wields the ancient powers of DARUDE'S PROTECTION.

Ahem...

Let's move on from this, shall we?

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Jann, pls

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But Jann "can go another round".

Okay, between comments like this and faces like...

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I'm surprised this game isn't M for Mature due to its Extreme Smut.

We need to ban this game from being sold on the shelves right now!  Get this filth off the street and out of the hands of young lads and ladies with a future ahead of them!

I won't stand for this... this... 

x1D25r9.jpg

 

And regardless of remarks with obvious innuendos, this doesn't really help our current situation.  Which is that I only have two CPs left, and no tanks have been destroyed or even damaged.

I shouldn't use that word, given that the I put an image with the Joker right above.  Yeah, it isn't the same Joker, but still.

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So I use the last two CPs to bring these lovely ladies up and prepare for proper engagement.

You see, now I'm thinking with power...

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Now I just need the Power Glove, and I'm all set.

Alright, what will the enemy do n-

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...

So you remember Corporal Eat-A-Dick?

Well, this is his officer, Major Bitch-Ass.

And no, the sandstorm will not start back up yet.

However, because literally all of my allies are behind cover, no dumbshit sniper will hit anyone.

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In fact, all the enemies even did was just move their troops around.

In what ways, you ask?  Well, lemme go down the list for you.

  • None of the shocktroopers moved at all
  • Tank number one (the northern-most one) switched places with tank number two (the western-most one), so now one of them will be really annoying to deal with, while the other one will be a piece of cake
  • Dumbass sniper ran out into the open for no fucking reason

Got it?  Good.

cSOEWSS.png

'Cuz DARUDE'S PROTECTION IS NOW READY TO ROLL! RGaYS2c.png

And once again, the advantage is very much one-sided.  In fact, I'll end the battle right here.

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First of all, Private Mayflower has had enough of your shit, Officer Whatever-the-Fuck-Fuck-Fuck.

I actually can't believe Musaad was able to kill him; his aim was shit.

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Then we'll have Imp Murderer Jane fill this guy with as many holes as there are in this desert.

Which is apparently fifteen.

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And Jann will destroy both tanks.

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Homer will lead this dick into a trap...

Ignore the tank; I have Jann destroy it after killing this guy.

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So that Jane can MURDER even more...

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And have Homer go in for the kill RGaYS2c.png

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Re-sults, boyos!

Lowest rank I could get without outright failing.  But...  I killed all the enemy leaders, the Ace, and the tanks.  So in actuality, I did pretty good.

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And I got an enemy sniper rifle!

Except there's one major problem with it...

But I'll get around to explaining that when the time comes.

For now, let's relish in our victory here.

What did all this trouble lead up to?

...

.....

.........

...............

............................

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Oh right, it did

FUCKING NOTHING OF VALUE!

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Fuck this filler PoS chapter.

Until next time.

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Wow. I completely missed the update on Friday. Time to cut on those concentration drugs...
Or maybe I should learn to stop scrolling through my notifications like: "Mmm-hm. Yes. Yeah. Sure. Cool. OK. Oh!"

 

On 10/13/2017 at 10:13 PM, Ertrick36 said:

His name is Sergeant Go-Fuck-Yourself.

Reminds me of this old obscure game called SHOGO: Mobile Armor Division where the protag says "Sir! Shut the hell up! Sir!" to his admiral at one point...

 

On 10/13/2017 at 10:13 PM, Ertrick36 said:

You say they're infamous for sandstorms?

Yes. I am laughing more than I should... lmao

 

On 10/13/2017 at 10:13 PM, Ertrick36 said:

You are living on borrowed time, boy.

Gosh. At this rate we REALLY need a fanfic where Isara actually takes over as the next dictator and ushers a new age for the whole continent. It is basically writing itself at this point :D

 

On 10/13/2017 at 10:13 PM, Ertrick36 said:

And finally acquire a net-positive to the CUC.

Heh. Last time I kept such a counter in a different LP, I always found a joke excuse not to give any positive points but this time I am going to be fair. Harsh but fair. Promise.
CUC +4.5 -> 3.5
It is still Catherine though: -1 -> 2.5

 

On 10/13/2017 at 11:22 PM, LucarioGamer812 said:

Man all this talk of Edy makes me want to use her even more in Valkyria

Wow. I misread that as "to use her even more as a Valkyria".
Imagine that. Ragnaid lit podium and shit. Probably :D

 

15 hours ago, Ertrick36 said:

He din't care what way the winds blew; Imperials, Feds, Gallians... as long as there was good money in it for him, he cared not for the lives of the folks he hurt.

It is unfortunate when a person dies. It is also unfortunate when a thousand people die in the Empire every day. Sometimes people must die for a change to occur and smuggling be used to revitalize broken economy. He had potential Maximillian wasted by sending him on the front. He would find much better position in the future Isara's state.

 

15 hours ago, Ertrick36 said:

I'm surprised this game isn't M for Mature due to its Extreme Smut.

I have since had to look up some.... I am ashamed but not sorry.

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