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The Adventurer's Guide to Becoming a Hero


Rex Glacies
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I feel like this should be in Far From the Forest.

So, Figment.com is going down, apparently, and instead of moving my works to their new domain "Underlined," I have elected to stop procrastinating and post this story here. It is a comedy/parody of the fantasy genre, though what it is or how funny it is is up for you to decide.

Blurb: When the Dark Lord sets out to conquer the world, it's up to young Pip, his friend Wart, a fairy named Keis, and a number of others to find the legendary sword Rexcalibur and save the world.

Ok, this is entirely a comical book and won't make any sense. Read at your own risk.

Of note: I have actually written a good couple of chapters of this story, though I'll be posting them at a slow pace on here to adjust for my pace of actually writing the chapters. And this doesn't mean you can search for the actual story on Figment and read ahead.

Feedback will be here.

Edited by Rex Glacies
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Chapter 1: Off on an Adventure!

It was a time of mystery and magic, long before modern technology, but quite a while after other ingenious inventions, such as the printing press and the wheel, had been invented. It was a time of barbarians and goblins, of elves and dragons, and wizards and knights. It was a time known as the middle ages, er, would be, assuming that this world will survive the catastrophic events that shall soon follow. But I'm not going to spoil anything. I'll get straight to the story. It begins with young Pip and Wart, on an ordinary day, doing whatever 15th century young teenage boys would be doing in their leisure time...

 

 "Watch out!" said Pip as a ball hit Wart right in his face. It went thunk and then bounced away.

"Ow," exclaimed Wart as he rubbed his face. "You've got to be more careful where you aim that."

"Sorry," said Pip as he walked to the ball. "You know, you should try to avoid things better as well." 

Wart let out a small grumble, then a large one, almost like thunder.

"You don't have to sound so annoyed," Pip said. "I heard you the first time."

"I only grumbled once," Wart said. "The second one wasn't me."

Pip was about to say something, but then heard the thunder-like sound again. Then it occurred to him that it didn't sound like thunder. It was thunder. But on a cloudless day? How?

 "Doom!" came a voice from below the hill.

"Huh?" Pip asked.

"Doooooom!" This time a man came running to them. It was the Doomsayer, whom, as his name suggested, was always preaching about doom.

"What's wrong?" Wart asked.

"Doom!" he repeated. "The end is upon us! Thunder on a cloudless day? Doom!"

"Just leave him be," Pip said. "He's always talking about the end of the world."

A soft and quiet voice came from above. "Unfortunately, he's right this time."

Pip looked up and saw a small light float down. It dimmed a little to reveal a fairy with intricate wings wearing a tunic and a strange necklace.

"Who are you?" Wart asked.

"My name is Keis," she answered. "I'm searching a young hero or two who can go on a quest to save the world."

Pip looked at Wart. "Well, we're young. We can go on an adventure."

Keis looked stunned. "Really? You'd go on a quest just like that?"

"Wait," Wart said. "What does the world need saved from?"

"From the Dark Lord," Keis replied. "He seeks to-"

"Wait a minute," Wart interrupted. "Hasn't the whole 'dark lord' title been used enough already?"

"Well, yea, but you didn't let me finish," Keis said. "You see, this particular Dark Lord has stolen the Scepter of Sethroth, one of the three ancient treasures, and seeks to conquer the world with it."

"That does sound bad," Pip said. "So how do we stop him?"

"We must find the sword Rexcalibur, another of the three treasures. So, do you think you're up to the task?"

Pip looked at Wart, whom shrugged. "Sure. Why not?"

Pip nodded. "Alright, we're in."

Keis looked even more stunned. "No hesitation? No confirmation from your parents?"

"Well, that would probably be smart," Pip said. "We should go home and pack up as well."

"And while you're there, you'll need to fill out these papers. Basically just write your name and check the 'agree with the terms and conditions.'"

"Will do," Pip said as he took a paper and walked home. Wart did the same. When Pip came to his home, he quickly packed his belongings and filled out the paperwork.

"Hey mom!" he called out. "Wart and I are going on a quest to save the world. I don't know when we'll be back. Is that ok?"

"Sure honey," she called back. "If you'll be gone for a few days, don't forget to pack extra underwear and a toothbrush and toothpaste."

"Those haven't been invented yet."

"Oh. Right. Sorry. Well, have fun!"

Pip left his home with a backpack full of clothes, food, and other necessities. He went to the hill where they had met Keis earlier and found she and Wart waiting for him.

"You all packed up and ready?" asked Wart.

"Yup," Pip said. "You?"

He nodded. Keis looked at the both of them, then said "So you're all set? Good. May I have the papers?"

Pip and Wart handed the papers to her, then Wart asked " So, where is our destination?"

"Well, first of all, we need to be better prepared. And I mean weapons and barbarian-mercenary-allies prepared. So, our first destination is Vikingland, through the Forest Woods."

"Forest Woods?" Wart asked. "Isn't that a little, I dunno, redundant?"

"Perhaps, but we must travel through it regardless. We will take the Wooden Path."

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Chapter 2: Into the Forest, or Woods, or something

The Forest Woods lay between Pip and Wart's homes and Vikingland, a port town of, well, Vikings and ports. Taking the Wooden Path (which was just a bunch of planks and wood boards nailed together), the three companions of Pip, Wart, and Keis set off through the forest, or woods, or whatever it was.

 

"I’m tired. Are we there yet?" Wart said for the fifth time.

"Not yet," Keis replied for the fifth time.

Pip sighed. They had only been gone for an hour, and Wart was already complaining. “Just man up and deal with it,” he said.

“But I’m tired,” Wart continued. He paused for a moment. “Are we there yet?”

“Not yet,” Keis stated with some annoyance.

“Why don’t we play a game?” Pip asked. “I spy with my little eye, something green.”

“The grass,” Wart responded.

“Wow, good,” Pip said. “Now, I spy with my-“

“The trees,” Wart interrupted. “Now can we do something interesting?”

“How about this quest?” Pip asked. “We barely know where we’re going. Could you tell us more about the plan Keis?”

“Sure! What do you want to know?”

“How about this Dark Lord?” he inquired. “Who is he? What does he want?”

“Well, I don’t know who the Dark Lord is exactly, but I know that he’s evil. And wants to take over the world.”

“Seriously?” Wart interrupted. “First he calls himself a Dark Lord- like that’s never been done before- and now he wants to take over the world? Who came up with this story? I’ll tell you who - every single fantasy writer ever. Tell me - does he at least have a good motivation?”

Keis and Pip shared a blank stare, not understanding Wart. Pip decided to ignore this outburst and turned to Keis. “So, uh, you said we’re looking for a sword?

 “Um, yeah. Rexcalibur, one of the three ancient treasures.”

“One of them? What are the other two?”

“Another is the Scepter of Sethiroth. The Dark Lord has that one. Then there’s the Amulet of Auroris, but it’s been missing for centuries.”

“Huh,” Pip said. “So where are we supposed to find Rexcalibur?”

“I... actually don’t know,” Keis pondered. “So we’ll need to ask a wizard who lives across the sea.”

Pip nodded his head. “That’s why we’re going to Vikingland? To find a ship?”

“Yup!” Keis stated. “That, and hire some mercenary barbarians to help us.”

“So that’s why we’re going to Vikingland,” Wart grumbled, “but what about the elf?”

“What about the elf?” Pip questioned.

Wart pointed ahead. An elf, wearing what appeared to be a dress, was standing on the Wooden Path. He had long ears, and was puzzling at a map.

“Can we help you?” Pip cried out.

The elf didn’t notice him, as he continued to read the map.

“Can we help you?” Pip cried out louder.

The elf gasped, and fell to the ground, dropping his map and pack.

Pip and the group ran to him. “Are you ok?” they asked.

The elf looked around him. “Well, I just fell, so I think you can guess what the answer is.”

“Well, you don’t have to be so rude,” Wart grumbled as he helped him up. “So, what are you doing out here?”

“I’m trying to find a concert around here, but I’m afraid I’m, err...” he paused.

“You’re what?” Keis asked.

The elf scowled for a bit. “I’m hopelessly lost.”

“Lost?” Wart inquired. “You’re on a literal path. It’s impossible to get lost.”

“Wait, what?” the elf asked. He looked down. “Oh my! There is a path! I didn’t even see it.”

He must be quite the scatterbrain, Pip thought. That must explain the dress.

Almost on cue, Wart asked “So, what about the dress?”

The elf scoffed. “Why, you uncultured swine, this is a tunic! I’d have thought everyone would know what a tunic is. Why, you probably don’t even know about the top-notch bard bands that I was going to listen to!”

Pip and Wart shared a blank stare.

“You don’t know of the good bard bands?” the elf exclaimed. “You know, One Crossroad? Five Fortnights of Summer? Do those ring a bell?”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” Wart remarked.

“Come on,” Keis said. “He’s not worth it.”

“Well, wait a moment,” the elf cried out. “I’ve probably missed my concert, and now I’m lost, so might I come with you?”

“That sounds fine to me,” Pip said. “What’s your name?”

“It would be Toimor,” the elf stated. “Where are you heading?”

“Vikingland,” Wart said. “We have to defeat some ‘Dark Lord.’”

“Ah,” Toimor said. “Which one? He-who-must-not-be-named?

“A completely new one,” Keis said. “But, um, are you sure you want to join?”

“I would much like to join,” Toimor said.

Keis muttered something, then handed him the application papers.

“Well that means we have a new group member,” Pip exclaimed. “Now, we’re off to Vikingland- for a boat!

Edited by Rex Glacies
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Chapter 3: Of Thugs and Men, er, Women

With their new companion Toimor, Pip, Wart and Keis reach Vikingland to find a boat, as well as a few mercenary barbarians to help them in their quest. Writing this chapter has made me hungry. Now I really want pizza. Mmmmm, delicious poor-man’s pizza...

 

“We’re here!” Wart exclaimed as he ran to the town.

Pip couldn’t stop the smile on his face. The town was all wooden and stone, and there were numerous thugs and Vikings walking around. A couple of them were wearing plain triangular helmets and holding signs stating “Remove the Horns!” and “Stop the Horned-Helmet Tyranny!” A few more barbarians were beating each other up in plain sight. Pip could have sworn that all of the thugs had beards, even the female ones.

But they weren’t the reason Pip was smiling. It was the ocean. He had never seen it before, and it was beautiful. The blue waves, the sparkling waters, the giant green sea serpent popping out of the water and eating fish- it was all so unfamiliar and majestic.

“It’s so beautiful,” Pip remarked.

“Meh,” Wart complained. “You’ve seen one ocean, you’ve seen them all. Literally!”

“Guys, focus on the task,” Keis stated. “We need to find a sailor, a ship, and a few barbarians to help us out.”

“Technically, we don’t need barbarians,” Toimor said. “They would just be nice to have. I, for one, would like to tour this place for its musical heritage.”

“No, we need a barbarian,” Keis snapped.

What’s gotten into her? Pip wondered. But she made a point. There was no time to sightsee when the world was in danger. “So where should we go?”

“Well, there is a famous tavern nearby for its mercenaries.” Keis responded. “It’s called the ‘Screaming Bandit.’”

Almost on cue, someone screamed. “Did you say the ‘Screaming Bandit?’” Toimor asked.

“You know of it?” Wart asked.

“Do I know of it?” Toimor scoffed. “Why, it must be the most famous tavern in the world! Every bard band has played here before. In fact, it’s where the famous band Arrow Smiths started, as well as Taylor Quick!”

“Then I see no reason not to go,” Pip said. “Come on!”

~   ~   ~   ~   ~   ~   ~   ~   ~   ~   ~   ~

Entering the Screaming Bandit, the group decides to order food while looking for mercenaries. Loud music played over the speakers, or would have, if speakers had been invented at this time. But they hadn’t, and so the only music came from a screaming singer in the center of the tavern.

“I guess that’s how this place got its name,” Wart grumbled over the music while covering his ears.

Toimor certainly disagreed. “While she’s certainly not as good as the real one, this Selena Gnomes impersonator is impressive.”

A waiter came by and asked what they wanted to eat.

“I’ll take a pizza!” Wart yelled.

“Excuse me,” Pip asked. “Do you know of any mercenary barbarians or sailors that we could hire?”

The waiter pointed to a table in the corner where a lone barbarian sat shrouded in shadows.

“Thank you,” Pip said as he got up. Keis flew with him. “You want to come with us Toimor?”

He shook his head. “I, for one, am going to ask this Gnomes impersonator a few questions.”

Pip and Keis crossed the tavern, avoiding a few fistfights between local thugs. They reached the lone barbarian, and Pip asked, “So, I heard that you’re a barbarian we can hire?”

The barbarian left the shadows, revealing herself to be a woman. She had a horned helmet, and a button on her shirt saying “Make Vikingland Great Again.”

However, she scoffed. “I’m a thug, not a barbarian.”

“Is there a difference?” Keis asked.

“Yes,” the thug snapped. “A college degree. Now what do you want?”

“We need a sailor and a mercenary to help us defeat the Dark Lord. Can you help us?”

The thug chuckled. “I’ve done a lot of things, but I ain’t never defeated a Dark Lord. I’d love to join.”

“Great!” Keis rejoiced. “Now you just need to sign these papers and-“

“I wasn’t finished,” she interrupted. “You see, I’d love to join, but I’m in debt to Dr. Rudolf Moneybags. I can’t go with you until I’ve paid him off.”

“How much do you owe him?” Pip inquired.

“One hundred grand,” the thug stated.

“Can we pay it off for you?” Keis questioned.

“If you can give him a hundred grand, then I’ll join. But until then, I’ll be sitting here.”

“Then we’ll try to pay it off,” Pip stated as he walked back to their table. He glanced at Toimor, of whom it appeared had taken center stage and was singing his rendition of “What Does the Unicorn Say?” He sat at the table with Wart just in time for the waiter to come bringing their food.

“Wait a sec!” Wart complained. “This pizza doesn’t have any sauce!”

“I’m sorry sir,” the waiter replied, “but this is the Middle Ages. There are no tomatoes to make sauce because we haven’t discovered America yet.”

“Aw, nuts,” Wart whined as he took a bite anyway.

Pip chowed down on his food as well. “You know Wart,” he stated, “you should try to complain less.”

“But that would be too difficult,” Wart stated. He paused. “Huh, maybe I should.”

They continued to eat their food. Pip told Wart about the thug they might hire, and the payment they needed. At this point Toimor came to the table.

“Nice singing,” Keis said sarcastically.

“Why thank you,” Toimor responded genuinely.

“So now that we’re all here,” Pip stated, “we need to find a way to get one hundred grand.”

“What a coincidence! Someone just gave me a hundred grand for singing earlier!” Toimor laughed.

Wart spewed his drink all over the table. “Well that solves that problem.”

“Then come on!” Pip said as he got up to ask the thug where Rudolf Moneybags was.

“He’s in this tavern actually,” she stated. “He’s in that section. You can’t miss him. He’s a dragon.”

“Gotcha!” Pip stated as he ran off.

“Wait, what?” Wart staggered.

They all ran off and quickly found him- a massive red dragon with a pair of spectacles on his face.

“Mr. Moneybags!” Pip called out.

“Doctor Moneybags,” the dragon corrected. “I did not go through eight years of medical school just to be called ‘Moneybags.’”

“Well, the point is, we have the money to pay off your one thug’s debt! Toimor, show him the money.”

“Uh, well,” Toimor shuffled his feet. “I never said I had money, just a hundred grand.” He pulled out a small candy bar with a red wrapper.

This time Wart spat out the pizza he had just taken a bite of. “You mean, you got a Hundred Grand candy bar?”

The dragon stared at it, then sighed. “I would have preferred a king size, but this will do.” He snatched it and ate it in one bite, wrapper and all. “Her debt is paid. She’s free to go.”

Pip stood still for a moment. “Just go with it,” Keis said. “I have no idea what just happened, but lets just go back to the thug.”

They walked back silently. When they got to the thug Toimor said, “Your debt is paid, I guess.”

“Great! Thanks a lot! Now I guess I’m in debt to you. What do you need me for?”

“Just sign these papers,” Keis said. “We need your help in defeating the Dark Lord.”

The thug signed them and handed them back.

“Wait,” Keis said. “It says ‘barbarian.’ Didn’t you say you were a thug?”

“That’s my name,” she snapped. “Barb Arian. Occupation: thug.”

“Ooo-kay then,” Keis muttered. “Now we need to find a sailor and a ship.”

“Funny that you mention that,” Barb responded. “I happen to know a sailor.”

“You do?” Pip inquired.

“Well, not really,” Barb stated. “My sister’s landlord’s son’s pet fish’s cousin is one. But I can easily ask her to help us.”

“That’s convenient,” Toimor stated. “But I guess that means we’re settled in Vikingland. Now, to find a wizard!”

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  • 2 weeks later...

Chapter 4: Jack out of the Box

Now with the warrior Barb Arian on their side, the group sets out to sail to a wizard who knows where the sword Rexcalibur is. Normally at this point in the story the author would write a short section from the Dark Lord’s point of view to build suspense, so here it is!

No?

Nothing?

Well then, I guess the author’s an idiot. Now, back to your regularly scheduled program!

 

“You expect us to ride that?” Wart exclaimed.

“Yup,” Barb Arian responded. “The best boat I could afford.”

Pip had to agree with Wart. Their “boat” was a giant sea serpent, with a large saddle of sorts attached to its back.

“Yea. I don’t think this is a good idea,” Pip stated.

“Don’t be racist,” Keis said. “This is the first sailor we’ve met that can bring us to the wizard.”

“Well I’m fine with it,” Toimor added. “Oh, this brings back so many memories!”

Pip decided not to question Toimor, but realized they were right. They had been in Vikingland for three days, and there were no other sailors willing to help them. As such, this was their only option.

“I guess it’ll be ok,” Pip stated.

“Oh, not you too!” Wart protested with eyes wide open.

“Oh, come on!” Toimor eagerly replied. “It will be fun!” He walked the gangplank leading to the serpent’s back. Pip and Barb followed, with Keis flying right behind them. Wart let out a grumble, and ran after them.

The serpent was fairly large, with four seats on the saddle, enough for two in the front and two in the back. Wart and Pip sat in the front, with Barb and Toimor behind them. Keis sat on Pip’s shoulder. Pip noticed that there was no room for any sort of captain, and decided to question it.

“Um, who’s driving the serpent?” he asked.

The serpent turned its green head around to look at its passengers. “Thank you for choosing Sea Serpent Sailing for your trip today. I am your boat and captain, Polly. Remember to buckle up, and keep your arms, legs, hands and feet inside the ride at all times.”

Wart hadn’t moved once since the snake turned around, and his face was white. Pip felt similar, but decided to listen to her. He buckled up and placed a mental note in his head not to put his hands in the water. Toimor and Barb did the same.

However, Wart was still encased in fear. The sea serpent looked at him, and then repeated what she said in Spanish.

“Just buckle up,” Pip told Wart. He shook out of it, and did so. The serpent smiled- or did the reptilian equivalent of it- and started swimming off into the open sea.

“Oh, this is so exciting!” Toimor trembled in joy. “Why, I feel like singing the Scarab’s famous song ‘We All Live in a Yellow Loch Ness Monster!’”

“Please don’t,” Barb stated. “We don’t want Polly to eat you and be fired from this job as well.”

Pip was afraid to ask, but curiosity got the better of him. “Where did Polly used to work?”

“Disney World,” Barb responded. “But she was fired for eating a passenger.”

Pip gulped, and hoped he wouldn’t be next. Barb’s comment must have made an impact on the rest of the group as well, because they were all silent.

He looked around the water. There was nothing but ocean all around, and the seas were calm. There was a fain breeze, one that brought warmth and memories of crisp summer days. The skies held few clouds- just enough to block out the sun when Pip started to feel too hot.

But whether it was clouds or sun, it felt perfect for Pip. He didn’t care if he was riding on a carnivorous monster- it felt perfect for him to take a nap. And so, that’s what he did.

Wart woke him later that day, and pointed to the distance. A boat was sailing in their direction, and although it was far away, Pip could tell that it had a black pirate flag hanging from the mast.

“Um, it appears our ride is encountering some turbulence,” Polly stuttered. “Please remain calm and hold onto the railing.” Pip noticed that the serpent had forgotten that there was no railing.

“Aw, great,” Barb hissed. “I can deal with Vikings, but pirates? They’re just annoying.”

“Well, maybe they aren’t coming for us?” Keis added hopefully.

But that was answered in just a few minutes. By then they were closer, and the group on the sea serpent could hear the yells of the pirates, saying things such as “Fresh sea serpent tonight!” and “Plunder! Pillage! Yarr!”

Pip unbuckled, and the rest of the group did as well. They knew this wasn’t going to end well, as Polly was far too slow to out-speed the ship.

The ship stopped not far from the snake. Barb pulled out a cartoonishly large axe out of nowhere, and the pirates stopped talking while a man with a large black beard and hat walked across the deck.

“Avast!” he yelled. “Do ye have any booty?”

“No!” Keis yelled back. “Leave us be. We are just trying to get across the sea.”

“Arr,” the pirate replied. He was likely their captain. “Then do ye, mayhaps, have a map?”

Everyone on the serpent looked confused. “What?” Barb queried.

“We have an important meeting in the Care o’ bean’, and our leader refuses to acknowledge that we are hopelessly lost,” one of the pirate crewmembers stated.

“We’re not hopelessly lost,” the captain interrupted. “Just, mostly lost.”

The group on the serpent looked at each other strangely. These weren’t pirates looking for plunder; instead, they were lost and looking for a map? Pip knew none of them had a map, but was afraid of what would happen if he said so.

Fortunately, Keis spoke up. “I’m sorry, but we don’t have a map.”

“And we don’t know jack about any ‘Care o’ bean’,” Toimor added.

“Ah, ha ha,” the pirate captain scoffed. “Of course ye don’t know jack; I’m Jack!”

“No, I’m Jack,” another crewmember retorted.

“I’m Jack!” repeated another pirate. They all started bickering among themselves, claiming that they are Jack. Finally, they all shouted in unison “My name is Jack!”

“Pardon?” Pip inquired.

“I’m Capt’n Jack Sparrow, mate,” a seemingly drunken pirate with a silly hairdo stated.

“And I’m Jack, looking for rose,” added a fairly handsome crewmember.

“And I be the most dastardly pirate in these here waters- Blackjack,” said the captain while brandishing his sword. “We be headed for the Care o’ bean’ for the international Jack convention, and we be mostly lost, and I’m not look’n forward to it. ‘Cause that where I face me old rival Jack Black.”

“Well, if you don’t want to face Jack Black, then would you like to join us?” Pip asked.

“What?” Wart and Keis said in unison.

However, Toimor and Barb seemed to agree. “The more, the merrier!” Toimor happily sang.

“Hmm,” Blackjack pondered. “Where are ye headed?”

“We’re going to defeat the Dark Lord,” Pip told him.

“Darth Vader?” Blackjack asked.

“No, another one,” Keis stated. “But, um, we already have four people on our quest, and I think that’s enough for-“

“Nonsense!” Toimor interrupted. “We don’t know anything about the Dark Lord, and we’ll need all the help we can get!”

 “Well, I’m not called Blackjack the Risk-taker for nothing.” He flipped a coin and looked at it. “Ah! Ah ha ha! I guess I’m going with you!”

“Just, like, that,” Keis said, almost not confused by the strangeness of the situation.

“Farewell, boys!” Blackjack yelled. “Make sure to tell Jack Black I never liked him!”

“Goodbye, Blackjack!” said a man with white hair and a frost encrusted staff. It was followed by a neigh from a black horse with wings.

He walked off the gangplank and fell straight into the water. He started swimming toward the serpent, and Barb and Wart helped him on. Keis was still shaking her head in disbelief. The ship full of Jacks started to sail away.

“I’m sorry, but you are breaking so very many protocols here,” Polly the serpent said while staring at Blackjack with eyes that implied hunger. “I’m going to have to rebuke your day pass.”

“Well I don’t give a jack about any day passes. Literally!” Blackjack laughed as he got situated. There was no room on the snake, so he held onto Polly and sat on her back. “So where we be headed?”

“We’re looking for a wizard who lives not far across this sea.” Keis answered. “He knows where the sword Rexcalibur is, and we need it to face the Dark Lord and his Scepter of Septhroth.”

“Arr,” Blackjack replied. Pip made sure to remind himself to ask Blackjack what exactly “arr” meant in pirate lingo. “Then let’s get a move on! To the wizard!”

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  • 5 weeks later...

Chapter 5: Wizwolted Wizardry

After an unexpected meeting with Jack, our heroes have another, well, hero to join them. Now they have reached the Tower of Wizardry, where the wizard who knows where Rexcalibur is hidden lives. Pip and his friends must now climb the tower to find out how to defeat the Dark Lord.

 

“And that be where vegans come from,” finished Blackjack, obviously content having told his story. The rest of the crew on the serpent clearly weren’t as enthralled, as Barb and Pip had decided to plug their ears, while Toimor was dancing “Goblin Style” and Keis was sleeping. Unlikely, Wart seemed slightly interested, but when Pip looked at him he realized he was just trying to comprehend what Blackjack was saying behind his accent.

Polly, their serpent, was also unresponsive, as she had lowered her head under the water. However, she quickly raised her head and said “Arriving at destination: on right!”

“Yes!” Keis woke up, relieved that they had reached the wizard. Everyone looked towards the tower. It was tall, on a small hill not far from the shore. It had a conical roof atop a large room at the top, which appeared to be too large for the small base to hold it up. Strange lights flickered from inside the windows at the highest floor as well.

“Finally,” Barb grumbled. Pip agreed. He had had enough of Blackjack’s stories, as well as the sea. He was also glad to get off this possibly murderous sea serpent.

Polly swam to a convenient dock on the beach, where the passengers got off. “Thanks a lot, Polly. I guess I owe you one,” Barb stated upon stepping on the dock.

“You’re welcome,” Polly said. “Just bring me along next time the Vikings are planning an invasion.”

“Will do,” Barb responded. The group walked towards the tower, saying their goodbyes to Polly.

When they reached the tower, the doors ominously opened, as if they knew there were visitors. “That be mighty suspicious,” Blackjack remarked.

“Not to worry,” Keis said. “I know the wizard. He’s really wise, so he probably knew we were coming.”

“Well, if he knew we were coming, than what are we waiting for?” Pip looked at Wart. “Race you to the top!” Pip ran through the door and up the stairs.

“Hey, wait up!” Wart called as he ran after him.

They ran up the spiral staircase, step after step. Wow, this tower is taller than I thought, Pip observed. He and Wart had to stop numerous times to catch their breath.

Once they finally reached the top, they were surprised to find Keis, Barb, Toimor, and Blackjack already there.

“How did you get up here so fast?” Wart asked.

“We took the elevator,” Toimor stated, oblivious to the fact that it had yet to be invented.

“Well, I flew,” Keis stated. She then fluttered around the room. “Merlon! Hello! We need your help!”

The room was massive- far larger than what appeared on the outside. Books, crates, and miscellaneous machinery were scatter all across the room. A crash came from somewhere. “Blasted fizzlewit!” came a disgruntled yell. “Gone and wizwolted the dabberjag!”

A man with a comically large conical hat stood up amid the mess. He had a large, singed beard as well, and round goggles that made his eyes appear to bulge out of his head. He looked at the group that had just arrived, before focusing on Barb. “Why, if it isn’t my second wife’s uncle’s neighbor’s lawyer’s nephew’s cousin! Barb!”

Barb was taken aback. “Merloon! It’s been a while!”

“It certainly has. How’s the fam? The job? The thug life?”

“It’s great! We’re great!” Barb replied, as if she was well acquainted with the obscure familiar relationship between the two. “But, we’re actually looking for something, and need your help.”

“Actually, we need Merlon’s help.” Keis added. “I asked him if he could help me before I went on this quest, so, do you know where he is?”

“Oh, of course!” Merloon said. “He’s in the sauna!” He pointed to a door on one of the walls. “All the wizards in my family are in there. Merlon, Merlin, Merlun, Gordon Ramsey.” He shuttered. “Man, Gordon is such a great wizard in the kitchen, but he terrifies me. Make’s me feel like an idiot.”

“Oh,” Keis said. “Then, can we go in the sauna to get Merlon?”

“And risk angering Gordon?” He shook his head. “Nuh-uh. I can help you just fine. What needs done?”

“We’re lookin for a sword called ‘Rexjackibur,” Blackjack answered.

“Rexcalibur,” Keis corrected.

“Ah,” Merloon nodded. “One of the three ancient treasures. Come, let’s sit at a table and discuss.”

He walked across the room through a path in the mess. Pip and the others followed. All sorts of strange inventions and objects were cluttered around them. Wart picked up a strange can and pressed a button on the top. A stream of colored string erupted from a nozzle and flew at Warts face. With a gasp he dropped it, pulled the sticky string off his face, and whistled inconspicuously.

Merloon stopped at a badly damaged circular table and pulled out a couple of chairs, which he ushered the group to sit in.

“I’m sorry that this table is so broken. It used to be circular but Lancelot, well, he lances a lot.”

They all took a seat while Merloon grabbed a couple of things. He set them on the table- a butter knife, a necklace with plastic beads, and a stick.

“So!” He sat down on a crooked chair. “The three ancient treasures. Which one do you want to learn about first?”

“All we want is to find-“ Keis was cut off.

“How about the stick?” Wart asked, not knowing there was still some string in his hair. “Didn’t the Dark Lord steal that one?”

“The Scepter of Specterock.” Merloon nodded. He picked up the stick. “It has the ability to control darkness and destruction. Clearly, a weapon of evil, and the Dark Lord would use it to its full extent. Really makes you wonder why ancient societies were always making things like it.” He paused. “It has also been called something different each time it’s been mentioned in this story.”

“Pardon?” Barb asked.

Merloon ignored her. “Now, the sword Rexcalibur! It is the opposite, being a sword that controls light and creation.”

“So, we’ll have to use it to oppose the Dark Lord,” Pip stated.

“Correct! You must use the sword to destroy the Scepter. Only then will the Dark Lord lose their power and be defeated. Of course, once the sword destroys the Scepter, it will also be destroyed, but that’s neither here nor there.

“But that’s only two of the treasures,” Toimor pointed out. “What about the last one?”

“The Amulet of Auroris,” Merloon nodded. “Frankly, I don’t know much about it. It’s been lost for centuries, and nobody knows where it is.” He let out a chuckle. “It’s probably in the same place as my TV remote.”

“Arr then,” Blackjack stated. “So the sword can make stuff, and the staff can break stuff, but the amulet? Sure, it be lost, but what power does it have?”

“It can absorb energy,” Merloon explained. “So if Rexcalibur and the Scepter destroyed each other, the amulet could take their energy and become an unstoppable force of creation and destruction.” He paused. “Though, of course, the amulet is lost. There’s no point in discussing it, as it is irrelevant and has absolutely no purpose in this story.”

“That’s nice,” Keis said. “But we still don’t know where Rexcalibur is.”

“Oh!” Merloon jumped out of his seat. “I forgot about that! Just give me a moment.”

He walked into the mess mumbling to himself. A few minutes later he came back with a crystal ball, setting it on the table.

“Now lets see.” He stared into the ball intensely. “I see… a snowman? Yes, it is snowing, wait, no, it has stopped.”

“Sir?” Toimor asked. “I think that is a snow globe.”

Merloon stared into the ball for a few moments. “I think you’re right,” he stated nonchalantly. He tossed the globe behind him, causing a few crashes and a startled cat “meow!” Merloon got back up and went into the mess again.

“Is it just me, or are there a couple of loose screws jumping about in his head?” Blackjack pondered.

“He’s mentally insane.” Barb said. “We had him tested.”

An “Aha!” came from the mess, and Merloon came back, this time with an actual crystal ball. He set it on the table, staring into it. “Hmm, to the north, in a cave, past a bridge.”

“Is that it?” Pip asked, thinking that was too little information.

“No, you will just need to follow the signs. In the cave awaits three trials. You must survive all three. And remember, only a true hero can take the sword from its resting place.”

“Why is that?” Toimor asked.

“The same reason ancient societies were making powerful doomsday weapons.” Merloon stood up. “This is all that I can help you with. I bid you luck in defeating the Dark Lord- He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named!”

“Its actually, well, never mind.” Keis shook her head “Thank you for your help!”

“Yea,” Wart thanked him as well. “Now I wonder which one of us is the true hero who can wield the sword?”

“Only one way to find out,” Pip stated. “Let’s find the sword!”

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