Adventurer's Guide to Becoming a Hero Feedback

[Rex Glacies]

Feedback for this story will be placed here.

One of the reasons I began writing this story was to improve my writing skills, so any and all feedback will be welcomed. Well, unless you just say something like "You're story sucks!" which isn't helping anyone and just makes you look like a fool.

Edited November 8, 2017 by Rex Glacies

[SullyMcGully]

Oh, wonderful! I love literary critique!

Hmmm... your story is humorous, but slightly cliche. For example, you used the "isn't the dark lord thing kinda cliche" cliche. While every story eventually uses its fair share of stereotypes, you should make the first chapter as non-stereotypical as possible. The more original the first ideas you present are, the more people like me feel driven to read. I'll continue to read, because it's funny and you're one of the dudes, but just keep in mind that the only thing in here that genuinely surprised me was the doomsayer who should definitely be a primary character from here on out.

As far as writing goes, you're golden. Your paragraphs are way to short for an actual book, but it goes over well on a forum.

[Rex Glacies]

4 hours ago, SullyMcGully said:

Oh, wonderful! I love literary critique!

Hmmm... your story is humorous, but slightly cliche. For example, you used the "isn't the dark lord thing kinda cliche" cliche. While every story eventually uses its fair share of stereotypes, you should make the first chapter as non-stereotypical as possible. The more original the first ideas you present are, the more people like me feel driven to read. I'll continue to read, because it's funny and you're one of the dudes, but just keep in mind that the only thing in here that genuinely surprised me was the doomsayer who should definitely be a primary character from here on out.

As far as writing goes, you're golden. Your paragraphs are way to short for an actual book, but it goes over well on a forum.

Oh, thank you Sully!

Interesting notes. I'll admit, I am using a lot of cliche's in here, though I was hoping to subvert them by using them in different ways. That's why I made Wart comment on the Dark Lord - he was criticizing him for being too unoriginal. On that note though, I was not aware that the "dark lord is cliche" was cliche anyway. Maybe I just need to pay more attention to things.

Yeah, I'm still working on making bigger paragraphs. I'm just not certain how to when most of the story is dialogue, and the scenery doesn't really matter.

[DefaultBeep]

I'll warn you now, I have very little experience with critique, but I'll give it a shot regardless. I'm not sure how many of these are objective points and not simply subjective opinion, but... well, here ya go regardless.

I liked it, but there were a couple little things that I wasn't as into. I think the idea of pointing out cliches in the dialogue is fine, but it's done quite a few times just within this first small part alone. It's a bit too meta for the introduction in my opinion, and it kinda takes the reader out of the story when it's being brought up so much, by even the characters themselves. The dialogue is well written, but there's maybe a bit too much of it without any real breaks. Just about everything is one line long, and a very large portion is just short lines of dialogue back and forth, which makes it feel thin and light to actually read. Even if things like scenery don't matter too much in a story like this, I think adding in some longer paragraphs of silence and details might help it flow a bit better. Having some descriptive humor in addition to the dialogue humor could add a bit more variety in the chapters too. Just something simple and unimportant, like:

"Pip opened the door to his house, and walked inside. He began to look around, but tripped over a loose board in the floor before he could make note of anything. Was that the same board he fell over last week? Yes, it would seem it is. Pip decided that he and the board should have a long discussion later, involving a hammer and righteous revenge. He stood up and glanced around the house again, but decided that the board had already ruined his examining flow, so he ran upstairs to start packing instead."

Obviously substitute in your own humor and ideas, but something like that could help the reading flow of the story, in my opinion.

I really liked the Doomsayer too, as simple as he was. He was a good example of a funny character and idea that is arguably a cliche, but is presented in a way that isn't really denying it or pointing it out. All the characters seem pretty well done so far too, although I can't comment too much on them, since this is only the first part. The last few lines about getting prepared were particularly good too, like the Doomsayer bit. I don't know why, I just liked the way you wrote the dialogue there. Really, all of the dialogue was well done overall; there's just so much of it without much of a break, which made it read a bit thin as it kept going. I'll certainly keep reading any future parts, and I can give future critiques if you would like them.

[Bartozio]

So I'm not to great at giving advice (since I don't really write stories myself), but for what it's worth:

I really liked the opening part, I think it perfectly describes what kind of story this is going to be. The describtion of the setting is pretty clear and the joke at the end adds a lot to the tone of the story.

Subverting cliches can work really well, but just having characters point out all the cliches you're using will get old really fast. Something else you could do is just blow those cliches out of proportion. For instance, instead of having Wart just point out that the title of dark lord is used a lot, you could have him confuse this one with a few others.

So something like:

Keis: "The dark lord, he seeks to..."

Wart: "You mean the one who got defeated by the 12 heroes of old?"

Pip: "No, I think he's talking about the one that got sealed away by first kings of elves, man and dwarves."

Wart: "Or could it be the fabled ruler of the Dragon kind?"

Obviously, more written in your own style, but you get the idea. This would still let you make fun of the abundance of dark lords, but you also get the opportunity to make a (in my opinion) funnier joke, it flows a bit better with the story, and you can even introduce some lore to use later on in the story (if you really want to go that extra mile).

Other then that, I liked the short paragraphs. It makes things easy to read. Don't be affraid to add some stuff that doesn't impact the overall story though. For instance, the part that Beep wrote about Pip entering the house is never going to be relevant for the story, but it does add some characterization. It helps your characters feel more 3 dimensional and helps the reader to grow more attached to them.

That's all I have for now, looking forward to the next part.

[Rex Glacies]

On 11/8/2017 at 3:14 PM, DefaultBeep said:

I'll warn you now, I have very little experience with critique, but I'll give it a shot regardless. I'm not sure how many of these are objective points and not simply subjective opinion, but... well, here ya go regardless.

I liked it, but there were a couple little things that I wasn't as into. I think the idea of pointing out cliches in the dialogue is fine, but it's done quite a few times just within this first small part alone. It's a bit too meta for the introduction in my opinion, and it kinda takes the reader out of the story when it's being brought up so much, by even the characters themselves. The dialogue is well written, but there's maybe a bit too much of it without any real breaks. Just about everything is one line long, and a very large portion is just short lines of dialogue back and forth, which makes it feel thin and light to actually read. Even if things like scenery don't matter too much in a story like this, I think adding in some longer paragraphs of silence and details might help it flow a bit better. Having some descriptive humor in addition to the dialogue humor could add a bit more variety in the chapters too. Just something simple and unimportant, like:

"Pip opened the door to his house, and walked inside. He began to look around, but tripped over a loose board in the floor before he could make note of anything. Was that the same board he fell over last week? Yes, it would seem it is. Pip decided that he and the board should have a long discussion later, involving a hammer and righteous revenge. He stood up and glanced around the house again, but decided that the board had already ruined his examining flow, so he ran upstairs to start packing instead."

Obviously substitute in your own humor and ideas, but something like that could help the reading flow of the story, in my opinion.

I really liked the Doomsayer too, as simple as he was. He was a good example of a funny character and idea that is arguably a cliche, but is presented in a way that isn't really denying it or pointing it out. All the characters seem pretty well done so far too, although I can't comment too much on them, since this is only the first part. The last few lines about getting prepared were particularly good too, like the Doomsayer bit. I don't know why, I just liked the way you wrote the dialogue there. Really, all of the dialogue was well done overall; there's just so much of it without much of a break, which made it read a bit thin as it kept going. I'll certainly keep reading any future parts, and I can give future critiques if you would like them.

Thank you, and sorry for being late but if you know anything about me on the internet its that I take all the time I need and more to do something.

Yeah, I do use a lot of cliches and intentionally break the forth wall with acknowledgements of them, and I'll likely be changing a few things as time goes by. Right now, I am mostly focused on putting the story on this site, and thus will likely edit the chapters slightly in future times once I have more chapters up here.

Your descriptive humor thing was too funny. I am ashamed I didn't think about it.

Sully said something about the Doomsayer as well. I'm surprised. I thought about him on a whim, and only added him because, well, why not? I never expected him to be popular. Maybe I'll include him in the future...

On 11/9/2017 at 11:38 AM, Bartozio said:

So I'm not to great at giving advice (since I don't really write stories myself), but for what it's worth:

I really liked the opening part, I think it perfectly describes what kind of story this is going to be. The describtion of the setting is pretty clear and the joke at the end adds a lot to the tone of the story.

Subverting cliches can work really well, but just having characters point out all the cliches you're using will get old really fast. Something else you could do is just blow those cliches out of proportion. For instance, instead of having Wart just point out that the title of dark lord is used a lot, you could have him confuse this one with a few others.

So something like:

Keis: "The dark lord, he seeks to..."

Wart: "You mean the one who got defeated by the 12 heroes of old?"

Pip: "No, I think he's talking about the one that got sealed away by first kings of elves, man and dwarves."

Wart: "Or could it be the fabled ruler of the Dragon kind?"

Obviously, more written in your own style, but you get the idea. This would still let you make fun of the abundance of dark lords, but you also get the opportunity to make a (in my opinion) funnier joke, it flows a bit better with the story, and you can even introduce some lore to use later on in the story (if you really want to go that extra mile).

Other then that, I liked the short paragraphs. It makes things easy to read. Don't be affraid to add some stuff that doesn't impact the overall story though. For instance, the part that Beep wrote about Pip entering the house is never going to be relevant for the story, but it does add some characterization. It helps your characters feel more 3 dimensional and helps the reader to grow more attached to them.

That's all I have for now, looking forward to the next part.

No, this advice was nice. Thank you!

In other chapters, I have a few situations like your exchange on the Dark Lord, though with direct references to Dark Lords from other works, so that's something. Though, your idea is far better. I might have to use it.

But thank you for the critique. I have noticed that one of my main problems when writing or making a story is sticking too closely to Chekhov's Gun, which means I often ignore or exclude things not relevant to the plot (or humor, in this case). I guess I just need to tell myself some things can be included even if they aren't obviously important.

I'm uploading my next chapter nigh immediately, so I hope y'all enjoy it!

[SullyMcGully]

Pretty much all of the same comments I had for the first chapter. I'm in suspense! Keep up the good work.

[DefaultBeep]

Hey! Sorry I'm a bit late, I wanted to wait until I had a good chance to read this chapter.

I liked this one better than the first. The dialogue felt more casual with its humor, the new character was introduced pretty well, and it overall flowed a bit better in my opinion. There were a few more small, unimportant details that were nice as well. I got a chuckle out of the description for the wooden path, for example; that's a little thing that I wouldn't have expected, but it gives a bit more character to the world while also being a nice joke. Basically, I feel like there were small things that were improved from the first part, which helps out quite a bit when they're all combined together. I'll still be looking forward to seeing more of the story!

[Rex Glacies]

On 11/15/2017 at 1:48 PM, SullyMcGully said:

Pretty much all of the same comments I had for the first chapter. I'm in suspense! Keep up the good work.

Alright, thank you!

On 11/18/2017 at 3:32 PM, DefaultBeep said:

Hey! Sorry I'm a bit late, I wanted to wait until I had a good chance to read this chapter.

I liked this one better than the first. The dialogue felt more casual with its humor, the new character was introduced pretty well, and it overall flowed a bit better in my opinion. There were a few more small, unimportant details that were nice as well. I got a chuckle out of the description for the wooden path, for example; that's a little thing that I wouldn't have expected, but it gives a bit more character to the world while also being a nice joke. Basically, I feel like there were small things that were improved from the first part, which helps out quite a bit when they're all combined together. I'll still be looking forward to seeing more of the story!

Take your time - the only reason I've been able to keep uploading consistently is because I already have the first 5 chapters written and am slowly posting them on here.

But thank you. I did prefer this chapter to the first one, though I couldn't quite tell why.

It's kinda funny actually - sometimes (well, most of the time) I'll just insert a random detail with no thought (such as the Doomsayer or here with the wooden path) and expect it to be forgotten, but often these details end up having a better reaction than the actual jokes I intentionally placed in the story. So when you give specific mentions of what you found enjoyable, it helps me discern what I think is funny from what actually is funny. So, thank you for that.

Chapter three should be out now.

[Nym]

The poor 4th wall it's not even in pieces, it's in powder now.

[SullyMcGully]

Once again, good work. Keep it up with the medieval pop artist puns! And don't forget Def Shepperd or N' Washbasin!

[Bartozio]

This last chapter was absolutly amazing.

The part where Pip is amazed by seeing the ocean is a perfect example of a detail that doesn't help the story but tells us more about Pip himself.

The joke about the 100 grand almost killed me, great job there.

One thing I'm wondering about, was it supposed to be Toimor who said that last line? It felt more like Keiss was supposed to say that, although I could be wrong there.

[Rex Glacies]

On 11/21/2017 at 9:47 PM, Nym said:

The poor 4th wall it's not even in pieces, it's in powder now.

I don't think there was a 4th wall to begin with!

On 11/21/2017 at 9:51 PM, SullyMcGully said:

Once again, good work. Keep it up with the medieval pop artist puns! And don't forget Def Shepperd or N' Washbasin!

Thank you! My sisters enjoyed the Medieval bard bands as well, so I inserted them in for their sake, but I was worried there might have been too many for Serenesforest. I'm glad you enjoyed them. I know nothing about popular music, so any recommendations for puns are welcome.

On 11/23/2017 at 7:47 AM, Bartozio said:

This last chapter was absolutly amazing.

The part where Pip is amazed by seeing the ocean is a perfect example of a detail that doesn't help the story but tells us more about Pip himself.

The joke about the 100 grand almost killed me, great job there.

One thing I'm wondering about, was it supposed to be Toimor who said that last line? It felt more like Keiss was supposed to say that, although I could be wrong there.

Thank you!

Yeah, even though this is a comedy work, I suppose I do need to pay attention to other story aspects, such as the plot, characters, and setting. So thank you for noting that. It helps me figure out how to put in characterization without breaking from the story, and I can remember to keep doing things like that.

Thank you! Its really nice when someone points out what they found funny.

Keis*. But yes, it would have made sense for her to say it. However, I thought that if Toimor said it, it would make him more involved in the quest. After all, Keis is the main driving factor in the journey - she's always the one pushing everyone to do the things and stay on track. So it would make sense for her to say it. But with Toimor saying it, it shows that he is devoted to the quest as well. He likes Vikingland, but he knows the Dark Lord is far more important, and thus knows that he should devote his time, energy, and words to the adventure as well.

Or something like that.

[DefaultBeep]

I'm gonna agree that this chapter was super good. The balance between descriptions and dialogue was good, the short jokes were all strong, and there was even some solid characterization thrown in. I don't have much to say otherwise, it was just a very solid chapter!

[Rex Glacies]

On 11/26/2017 at 4:48 PM, DefaultBeep said:

I'm gonna agree that this chapter was super good. The balance between descriptions and dialogue was good, the short jokes were all strong, and there was even some solid characterization thrown in. I don't have much to say otherwise, it was just a very solid chapter!

Thanks! Glad to know that this chapter was such a big hit.

Chapter 4 should be up momentarily.

[SullyMcGully]

Yeah, this is definitely getting better. My favorite bits from this last chapter are the change of perspective that doesn't happen, the Beatles reference, and the Blackjack vs. Jack Black moments. 

As you add new characters to your work, be sure to give attention to all of their little quirks. For instance, bringing back Toimor's "bard band" references in this one was a good move, it would also be neat if Blackjack's relation to the other Jacks came back up in future installments. It's something that becomes harder to do the more characters you have, so keep an eye on it.

[Erren]

I have to say, it's really good. And to see some humor in there makes it even better. Keep it up!

[Rex Glacies]

Sorry I haven't been updating the story! I only have one more chapter pre-prepared, and I'll probably post it around the holidays (though it has nothing to do with Christmas). The chapter after the next one is almost finished... kinda... so I'll probably get that one done in January. As for why I haven't responded in a while, I forgot have been doing other things and haven't quite found the time. And I was procrastinating.

On 11/30/2017 at 10:30 PM, SullyMcGully said:

Yeah, this is definitely getting better. My favorite bits from this last chapter are the change of perspective that doesn't happen, the Beatles reference, and the Blackjack vs. Jack Black moments. 

As you add new characters to your work, be sure to give attention to all of their little quirks. For instance, bringing back Toimor's "bard band" references in this one was a good move, it would also be neat if Blackjack's relation to the other Jacks came back up in future installments. It's something that becomes harder to do the more characters you have, so keep an eye on it.

Oh, thank goodness. The Beatles reference was one of the first things I thought of when I came up with Toimor, so I'm glad you enjoyed it.

Yes, one of the main problems with having so many characters in the story is trying to keep each of them in the spotlight for a fair amount of time. I'm trying to do it, and in future chapters I'm thinking of splitting up the group at different times to give each of them the proper amount of focus, though I'm not certain how well it'll work.

On 12/1/2017 at 10:32 PM, Erren said:

I have to say, it's really good. And to see some humor in there makes it even better. Keep it up!

Ah, thank you! It's meant to be a parody whilst being an attempt at improving my writing skills, so thank you!

[DefaultBeep]

On 12/14/2017 at 10:36 PM, Rex Glacies said:

As for why I haven't responded in a while, I forgot have been doing other things and haven't quite found the time. And I was procrastinating.

Thanks a lot for taking my own excuse, you fiend.

I definitely think that the humor has been continuing to improve in every chapter. This one in particular has a lot of quick gags that come and go pretty quickly, which works really well for the feel that I think you're going for. I don't really have much to say, other than keep doing a good job like you have been!

[Rex Glacies]

On 12/18/2017 at 2:58 PM, DefaultBeep said:

Thanks a lot for taking my own excuse, you fiend.

I definitely think that the humor has been continuing to improve in every chapter. This one in particular has a lot of quick gags that come and go pretty quickly, which works really well for the feel that I think you're going for. I don't really have much to say, other than keep doing a good job like you have been!

I'd come up with my own, but, eh. Too much effort.

Thanks! I'm glad that y'all think I'm improving. It's one of my goals of writing this, so its good that my work hasn't been for naught.