Twin Souls Feedback

[Mackc2]

This is the feedback thread for the my written work 'Twin Souls' or at least the parts of it I have written. Feel free to share what you think of the story here.

[SullyMcGully]

Glad to see you're getting into writing. I hope nothing I post here discourages you, I just wanted to point out a few things that could use some work.

Generally, when telling a story, people start at the beginning. I'm not saying that it's wrong for you to begin with chapter 4, but its difficult to understand or give feedback on a story when you don't know how it begins. The characters you have here seem fairly interesting so far. The three biggest things I would work on are: 

1) I know you said you don't proofread, but if you're writing a story: proofread. A story is different from a two-line post, and every spelling error has the potential to throw off a reader for the entire book. You know Final Fantasy VII? It was criticized for having a confusing plot, but the only confusing part was all of the typos that made the plot unnecessarily murky.

2) Your writing style is very dialogue-based. This is a common approach to writing which is adopted by many gamers, because in games, exposition comes from dialogue. However, in most books, the narrator is in charge. The narrator doesn't get much of a chance in your chapter, which hurts the immersion. Think about things other readers won't know but might would care about: what does the old lady look like? Any more details about the white haired man? Also remember to include thoughts, knowing what Eran is thinking (but won't say out loud) could provide a lot more depth. As it is, it's fairly short for a chapter of any sort.

3) Your dialogue itself is very basic, like what you would expect from someone to whom English is not a primary language. Try to spice things up with humor, witticisms, catchphrases, jibes, and metaphors. A character's personality is only partially demonstrated in what they say, the rest is in how they say it.

I hope this is helpful for you. Good luck to you in your future writing aspirations! 

EDIT: Here's Chapter 1 feedback:

Good work! There's a definite improvement. Action scenes seem to be your strong suit, so focusing on them is a good way to make your writing feel more natural. There's still a little bit of proofreading that needs to be done, but it isn't like you're selling this, so it should be fine. One thing you might want to fix: that last sentence felt really weird. Try to separate your thoughts a bit, the topic of what it was they were fighting to steal should be it's own paragraph.

Edited December 24, 2017 by SullyMcGully