Is it unhealthy to be friendless and/or antisocial at all?

[Anacybele]

8 minutes ago, Solvaij said:

I used to feel this way, and I still have bouts with it. Even now that I have really close friends, sometimes I just think, "Wow, this is more work than it's worth. Why am I even doing this?" In fact my worst period of depression happened right after I had made a bunch of friends (correlation, probably not entirely causation). But I dunno, friendship presents its rewards in time. So is it unhealthy to be antisocial? I don't really think so. It's more a matter of opportunity cost. Sure you can live contentedly and not get hurt if you avoid the pressures of socializing. On the other hand, you miss out on the deep connections you can have with people and all the consequences of that. Having a network of people to rely on is nice when things get tough, even if you CAN take care of yourself. If nothing else, you mentioned writing somewhere in this thread. I don't know how much you write, but it's tough to develop a round cast of characters when the only person's thoughts and feelings you know are your own. Having friends introduces you to a wide variety of perspectives, not just in passing, but deeply.

But based on your responses so far, it sounds like you're not going to be convinced, which is fine. You'll probably be okay being antisocial for a while, and if or when the time comes that you change your mind, you'll seek out what you need. Thankfully it's never too late to make friends.

Also,

hello fellow Fairy Tail fan! I sure wish it hadn't taken such a nosedive [@GrandMagicGames]

Yeah, but I feel like I'm just getting the consequences and not the "deep connections." Having a network of people to rely on would definitely be nice. I just don't believe I could have it. Yeah, I do write, but my characters seem to be liked well enough anyway.

Yeah. I appreciate people's responses here, don't get me wrong. But I'm just not going to be convinced to go out and interact with people much beyond the usual things I pointed out.

Edited April 13, 2018 by Anacybele

[ShadowAlchemist]

Yes and no... mostly no. On one hand, I would say it’s unhealthy to intentionally make yourself miserable. You’re not obligated to spend time with anyone you don’t want to or anyone who makes you feel like shit, and there’s a lot of people who are fake and just aren’t worth being friends with. I’ve also had to deal with my parents nagging me to make friends, and insisting that I would find more people in college, but the only three people I would actually call friends, are the same people I knew from high school. Around other people, I feel more alone than the times I’ve actually been completely alone for days.

On the other hand, this may just be because I’m depressed, but without those few friends, I’d be dead. Like, one of them literally stopped me from trying to kill myself. I’m definitely not mentally healthy by any stretch of the imagination, but I’d be much worse if I’d never been able to talk to someone I could trust about all the things distressing me. From my own experiences, trying to suffer in silence has only made everything worse. But, if it wasn’t for serious issues like that, I think I’d be okay with just my cats, and it might also be worth mentioning that most of the things that made me lose the will to live were caused by other people. But I do think it’s good to at least have someone in your life; having even just one or two friends is enough, even if they’re all online, or even just having a pet (they tend to be friendlier than humans anyway).

As for marriage, honestly, I kind of envy you. I wish that I could be happy being single. I’d consider wanting to be single as a good thing.

It’s your decision what people you want or don’t want to be part of your life, not your parents’ decision. (And you definitely shouldn’t listen to anyone who insists that you need kids to be truly happy. You don’t owe your parents any grandkids). Some people are just happier without an active social life, and that’s fine. You’re not hurting yourself or anyone else by being antisocial, so there’s no reason why you shouldn’t just do what you think is best for yourself.

[ErikNaga]

No, it's not unhealthy, it's unhealthy until you completely lose contact with the whole world (like the Hikikomori's)
 

Edited April 13, 2018 by ErikNaga

[Anacybele]

7 minutes ago, ShadowAlchemist said:

Yes and no... mostly no. On one hand, I would say it’s unhealthy to intentionally make yourself miserable. You’re not obligated to spend time with anyone you don’t want to or anyone who makes you feel like shit, and there’s a lot of people who are fake and just aren’t worth being friends with. I’ve also had to deal with my parents nagging me to make friends, and insisting that I would find more people in college, but the only three people I would actually call friends, are the same people I knew from high school. Around other people, I feel more alone than the times I’ve actually been completely alone for days.

On the other hand, this may just be because I’m depressed, but without those few friends, I’d be dead. Like, one of them literally stopped me from trying to kill myself. I’m definitely not mentally healthy by any stretch of the imagination, but I’d be much worse if I’d never been able to talk to someone I could trust about all the things distressing me. From my own experiences, trying to suffer in silence has only made everything worse. But, if it wasn’t for serious issues like that, I think I’d be okay with just my cats, and it might also be worth mentioning that most of the things that made me lose the will to live were caused by other people. But I do think it’s good to at least have someone in your life; having even just one or two friends is enough, even if they’re all online, or even just having a pet (they tend to be friendlier than humans anyway).

As for marriage, honestly, I kind of envy you. I wish that I could be happy being single. I’d consider wanting to be single as a good thing.

It’s your decision what people you want or don’t want to be part of your life, not your parents’ decision. (And you definitely shouldn’t listen to anyone who insists that you need kids to be truly happy. You don’t owe your parents any grandkids). Some people are just happier without an active social life, and that’s fine. You’re not hurting yourself or anyone else by being antisocial, so there’s no reason why you shouldn’t just do what you think is best for yourself.

Depression sucks. That's good that you didn't end up killing yourself after all. I don't think I would ever be that badly depressed though. And even if I was, my brother already committed suicide, so I could never bring myself to make my parents even more hurt and all by doing the same.

But yeah, exactly. Who would want to marry me anyway? I'm not wife material at all. I have social problems. Disabilities. I'm not really attractive either (though I wouldn't say I'm ugly). And I look like a child on top of that despite being in my almost late twenties. I wouldn't want to marry someone like me either. This might sound like a bad attitude to have, but I don't mind being someone guys wouldn't want. I avoid heartbreak and such that way anyway. And I don't think my ideal guy even exists.

Edited April 13, 2018 by Anacybele

[Junkhead]

Yeah, I do. I know this because there's a difference between being asocial and that of being in healthy solitude. I was there once, and I've been through said difference. I used to be alone in a way I didn't even know it was unhealthy. The thing is, the mind isn't exactly built to cope with being this way, and it is a truth that we are known as social creatures for a reason. Your mind tries to make up for and with stagnation with what it can- and, in this case, it would have to be with the Internet and it's respective forums. Ever wonder why these so-called "anti-social" people report that they are this certain way, and yet, you still constantly see them coping through social forums.

Whether you have a "life" or not (not saying it's exactly your case), your mind finds a way through. It's an evolutionary mechanic, and I'm not expert. I only talk from actual experience.

And with all said this, again, I'm not going to assume your life's actual backround. I'm just saying...if a person is what they say they are, they wouldn't be projecting it through something else (in this case, online forums). Maybe you do actually want to find (good quality) company, and there's absolutely nothing wrong in coming to admit.

Edited April 13, 2018 by Oz ♠

[ProfImpossible]

4 hours ago, Anacybele said:

This kind of came up in a discussion I was in a little awhile ago and it made me decide to make a thread. I hope it's an okay topic.

I sometimes get told that it's better for me to have friends and stuff than to be alone. Even my own parents seem to think this. I did once wish to have more friends, and to even get married someday. But I no longer want any of this. I decided I'm not suited for it and that I'm better off by myself and not even interacting with people much (outside of like three people I do consider friends, but they're only on the internet, so that doesn't exactly matter that much when I can only talk to them through a screen and not really do anything with them. If I could though, I'd abandon all of them too, but that would obviously be really mean of me).

I actually don't even post much on SF outside of the Heroes board these days, so even on the internet I don't want to bother with this much anymore. If it still seems like I kind of post a lot, believe me, I used to post on forums a lot more.

And I'm fine. No problem. I don't get why anyone's told me it's unhealthy. Now I know being antisocial is a little different and it CAN be bad. It can involve being hostle, unfriendly, etc. That's obviously not good. But if you're simply not willing to interact with people much, but you can avoid being a jerk, I don't see a problem with that. You're not hurting anyone or yourself.

Does this make sense? Am I right to disagree with those telling me it's unhealthy to (generally) avoid people like this?

TL;DR

All I can tell you is from my own experience. If you feel fulfilled and happy with your life with a minimal or no amount friends then go for it. But you need to really examine yourself before you jump to any conclusions. I would ask you this if you (only if you don't mind of course): what made you think you weren't suited for having friends?

First let me say I realize this reads kinda like a pastor's note ( I'm really sorry about that, it's definitely nor my preferred tone, I'm not even religious) . And that, while unequivocally introverted, I greatly enjoy talking to a select few people. I know our situations are different but i hope I can help you come to a conclusion.

I grew up in a very small town, and lets just say there wasn't a lot of people that enjoyed the same things as me. I at the same time didn't realize how much I craved real human interaction, and enjoyed what interaction I had (however disappointing it was).  I was convinced that anyone that hung out with me didn't actually like me, they were just being nice or pitying the weird kid. Part of this was because I didn't have much in common with them (which led to many interactions feeling shallow and like "just going through the motions") but the other part was that I was unwilling to put much effort in to them (I'm not saying this is or was your problem), friendship and general human interaction is a give and take thing, the hard part is finding someone who gives you as much as you give them, I also had self esteem issues but that's a different story :D. Anyways, I ended up going to a music camp (in hindsight music is what gave me a feeling of self worth and is the major reason I didn't go insane)  eventually, I ended up meeting a few people there that had more in common with me and helped me realize some people really do enjoy hanging out with me. My point is that it seems like you have had people who you enjoy being around (your mom/grandmother even your internet frineds) and you can find people like that again. I could listen to Kenny G and say jazz isn't my thing, and honestly my life would be fine without jazz, but if I had done that I would be kicking myself for never discovering Coltrane or John Lurie. People are boring, shallow, assholes, or all three, but if you can find one person that wants to actually be your friend it changes a lot. At least, it did for me.

Also people are fun but who you are shouldn't be defined by or changed by them . Who you are doesn't have to be set in stone though, and DO NOT ever use being yourself as an excuse to feel inferior to someone else, or to not better yourself. I'm not saying you (or anyone) have to be perfect or honestly even close to, but the constant acknowledgement and rectification of your faults are something you do for yourself, not for anybody else. 

And yeah, I get that I'm basically telling you that you haven't met the right person (I apologize, it's not exactly what I want to say.) but I hope I don't come off like I telling you that you have to meet this imaginary person. That is not my intention. 

In conclusion: If you feel it is not unhealthy than do whatever you want as long as you're not developing bad tendencies like becoming super narcissistic or arrogant (humans have these tendencies and friends help some of them keep  them to a minimum) but also,  I guess those aren't that big a deal if you don't deal  with that many people... I think you got me on this one :D

But I would also say, a lot of times when people, especially family say stuff like this ( I do not know your family I am just making general assumptions ) it's because they see something off (or that they think is off) about you and are just trying to help. That being said they could also do it because they think not particularly liking to interact with a lot of people "just isn't normal". 

I apologize that I'm so long winded ( I actually edited this down quite a bit ) but I hope this helps in some way.

Edited April 13, 2018 by ProfImpossible

[Anacybele]

12 minutes ago, ProfImpossible said:

TL;DR

All I can tell you is from my own experience. If you feel fulfilled and happy with your life with a minimal or no amount friends then go for it. But you need to really examine yourself before you jump to any conclusions. I would ask you this if you (only if you don't mind of course): what made you think you weren't suited for having friends?

First let me say I realize this reads kinda like a pastor's note ( I'm really sorry about that, it's definitely nor my preferred tone, I'm not even religious) . And that, while unequivocally introverted, I greatly enjoy talking to a select few people. I know our situations are different but i hope I can help you come to a conclusion.

I grew up in a very small town, and lets just say there wasn't a lot of people that enjoyed the same things as me. I at the same time didn't realize how much I craved real human interaction, and enjoyed what interaction I had (however disappointing it was).  I was convinced that anyone that hung out with me didn't actually like me, they were just being nice or pitying the weird kid. Part of this was because I didn't have much in common with them (which led to many interactions feeling shallow and like "just going through the motions") but the other part was that I was unwilling to put much effort in to them (I'm not saying this is or was your problem), friendship and general human interaction is a give and take thing, the hard part is finding someone who gives you as much as you give them, I also had self esteem issues but that's a different story :D. Anyways, I ended up going to a music camp (in hindsight music is what gave me a feeling of self worth and is the major reason I didn't go insane)  eventually, I ended up meeting a few people there that had more in common with me and helped me realize some people really do enjoy hanging out with me. My point is that it seems like you have had people who you enjoy being around (your mom/grandmother even your internet frineds) and you can find people like that again. I could listen to Kenny G and say jazz isn't my thing, and honestly my life would be fine without jazz, but if I had done that I would be kicking myself for never discovering Coltrane or John Lurie. People are boring, shallow, assholes, or all three, but if you can find one person that wants to actually be your friend it changes a lot. At least, it did for me.

Also people are fun but who you are shouldn't be defined by or changed by them . Who you are doesn't have to be set in stone though, and DO NOT ever use being yourself as an excuse to feel inferior to someone else, or to not better yourself. I'm not saying you (or anyone) have to be perfect or honestly even close to, but the constant acknowledgement and rectification of your faults are something you do for yourself, not for anybody else. 

And yeah, I get that I'm basically telling you that you haven't met the right person (I apologize, it's not exactly what I want to say.) but I hope I don't come off like I telling you that you have to meet this imaginary person. That is not my intention. 

In conclusion: If you feel it is not unhealthy than do whatever you want as long as you're not developing bad tendencies like becoming super narcissistic or arrogant (humans have these tendencies and friends help some of them keep  them to a minimum) but also,  I guess those aren't that big a deal if you don't deal  with that many people... I think you got me on this one :D

But I would also say, a lot of times when people, especially family say stuff like this ( I do not know your family I am just making general assumptions ) it's because they see something off (or that they think is off) about you and are just trying to help. That being said they could also do it because they think not particularly liking to interact with a lot of people "just isn't normal". 

I apologize that I'm so long winded ( I actually edited this down quite a bit ) but I hope this helps in some way.

I see... I read all of what you wrote here, and I apologize if I can't give you a sufficient reply. I'm not that good at replying to long posts like this...

For now, I still don't really care to make friends, but I guess maybe I'll just see what happens in the future or whatever. You could be right, who knows? Or I could still be a loner and enjoying that. xP

[ShadowAlchemist]

43 minutes ago, Anacybele said:

Depression sucks. That's good that you didn't end up killing yourself after all. I don't think I would ever be that badly depressed though. And even if I was, my brother already committed suicide, so I could never bring myself to make my parents even more hurt and all by doing the same.

But yeah, exactly. Who would want to marry me anyway? I'm not wife material at all. I have social problems. Disabilities. I'm not really attractive either (though I wouldn't say I'm ugly). I wouldn't want to marry someone like me either.

I’m really sorry about your brother, I don’t really know what to say, but I hope you and your family are doing okay.

Now I’m a bit more concerned; correct me if I’m wrong, but before it sounded like you’re really happy with being single, yet what you just said sounds more like you’ve just accepted it because of low self esteem. Please, try not to think so badly of yourself.

@Solvaij I don’t think it’s necessary to have experience with socializing to be able to write. I think I learned to write dialogue well enough just by reading other things. (If it was anything like conversations I’ve really had, it would be terrible). Honestly I think I feel more connected with my characters than I do with most real people, pathetic as that may be. But I’ve gotten a lot of good feedback on them.

edit: I just discovered a very good reason to not have a social life. I’m in a group chat with a few girls in my class I’m sort of acquainted with (but I don’t know them well enough or for long enough to call friends) and the texts are blowing up my phone while I’m trying to type this and IT’S 10 AT NIGHT

Edited April 13, 2018 by ShadowAlchemist

[Anacybele]

8 minutes ago, ShadowAlchemist said:

I’m really sorry about your brother, I don’t really know what to say, but I hope you and your family are doing okay.

Now I’m a bit more concerned; correct me if I’m wrong, but before it sounded like you’re really happy with being single, yet what you just said sounds more like you’ve just accepted it because of low self esteem. Please, try not to think so badly of yourself.

Yeah, we're doing fine all things considered.

Nah, my self esteem isn't bad. I'm not depressed or anything. I don't hate myself or anything (though I can say I hate some of my habits that I can't seem to break). I just understand and know my limits in life, basically. And I am happy being single now, because I've realized just how much better I do being on my own anyway.

Edited April 13, 2018 by Anacybele

[ProfImpossible]

5 minutes ago, Anacybele said:

I see... I read all of what you wrote here, and I apologize if I can't give you a sufficient reply. I'm not that good at replying to long posts like this...

For now, I still don't really care to make friends, but I guess maybe I'll just see what happens in the future or whatever. You could be right, who knows? Or I could still be a loner and enjoying that. xP

No problem at all, thanks for reading! I was mainly just wondering what made you come to the conclusion that you "weren't suited" to interact with people. Yeah that's possible too :)

 

4 minutes ago, ShadowAlchemist said:

 

Now I’m a bit more concerned; correct me if I’m wrong, but before it sounded like you’re really happy with being single, yet what you just said sounds more like you’ve just accepted it because of low self esteem. Please, try not to think so badly of yourself.

 this. Something I had a lot of trouble with was developing a sense of self worth and esteem. I just wanted to make sure you didn't think you didn't deserve friends for some reason.

It sounds like you're in a good place with it though.

also, I'm really sorry to hear about your brother, that sucks. My condolences to you and your family.

[Anacybele]

6 minutes ago, ProfImpossible said:

It sounds like you're in a good place with it though.

Yeah, I am.

6 minutes ago, ProfImpossible said:

also, I'm really sorry to hear about your brother, that sucks. My condolences to you and your family.

Thanks. It's all good though. We've managed.

[Ansem]

As social creatures, I am inclined to say yes, but exceptionals always exist. There are some people that are perfectly content left to their own business, but I would have to say that generally, people may tend towards some sort of mental illness due to prolonged loneliness. 

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4225959/#!po=39.2857

I don't expect anyone to read the whole paper, I definitely didnt (even when it was assigned to me as HW LOL), but if it interests you, you can skim through the Psychiatric Disorders and Loneliness portion which describes tendencies towards certain illness from loneliness. 

Not referring to your case at all, you seem to be fine with the way you are. I thought it would be an interesting read on the topic. 

Edited April 13, 2018 by Navv

[eclipse]

Normally, this would be an interesting topic.

But the replies tell me that you're looking for affirmation.

Yes, it is unhealthy to be friendless/antisocial.  It's also one one of the signs of depression.  I suggest making an appointment with a therapist.