Dragoncat Posted May 12, 2018 Share Posted May 12, 2018 (edited) The old "rate the above joke" thread died. Yeah. You may use any scale/rating system you want. I start! A blond, a brunette, and a redhead are running from the cops and they each climb a tree in a park to hide. The cops get to the tree the brunette is in and poke it. The brunette says "tweet tweet!" They poke the tree the redhead is in, and she says "meow!" They poke the tree the blond is in and she says "apple apple!" Edited May 12, 2018 by Dragoncat Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ProfImpossible Posted May 12, 2018 Share Posted May 12, 2018 (edited) An old Formula. Stands up to the test of time. Three bags of popcorn. Saying, "I'm sorry" is the same as saying, "I apologize." Except at a funeral. Edited May 12, 2018 by ProfImpossible Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
indigoasis Posted May 12, 2018 Share Posted May 12, 2018 Morbid and deadly humorous. A good way to reverse the mileage on a car is to drive backwards. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dragoncat Posted May 12, 2018 Author Share Posted May 12, 2018 5/10. A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says "sorry, we don't serve food here." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Von Ithipathachai Posted May 12, 2018 Share Posted May 12, 2018 snicker/10 Genealogy of the Holy War's balancing Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ProfImpossible Posted May 12, 2018 Share Posted May 12, 2018 Mildly funny. On a scale of one to ten. It is about 4. I love women, but I feel like you can't trust some of them. Some of them are liars, you know? Like I was in the park and I met this girl, she was cute and she had a dog. And I went up to her, we started talking. She told me her dog's name. Then I said, 'Does he bite?' She said, 'No.' And I said, 'Oh yeah? Then how does he eat?' Liar. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Solvaij Posted May 12, 2018 Share Posted May 12, 2018 (edited) 6/15 For long set up with good but not outstanding punchline. Still worth a chuckle. Schrödinger's cat walks into a bar. And doesn't. Edited May 12, 2018 by Solvaij Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ProfImpossible Posted May 12, 2018 Share Posted May 12, 2018 Most interesting. Simple premise, short and sweet. Five out of 13. I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dragoncat Posted May 12, 2018 Author Share Posted May 12, 2018 4/10. A man buys a lie detector robot that will slap somebody if they lie and tests it out on his family at dinner. He asks his son what he did at his friend's house after school. "Studying." The robot slaps the kid. "Okay we were watching a movie." The dad asks what movie. "Toy Story." The kid gets slapped again. "Okay it was porn." The dad says "Porn? When I was your age I didn't even know what porn was!" And the robot slaps the dad. The mom says "Well he's your son." And the robot slaps the mom. Robot for sale. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ProfImpossible Posted May 12, 2018 Share Posted May 12, 2018 On a laughing scale. Graded from grin to stitches. A solid chuckle. A group of wealthy investors wanted to be able to predict the outcome of a horse race. So they hired a group of biologists, a group of statisticians, and a group of physicists. Each group was given a year to research the issue. After one year, the groups all reported to the investors. The biologists said that they could genetically engineer an unbeatable racehorse, but it would take 200 years and $100bn. The statisticians reported next. They said that they could predict the outcome of any race, at a cost of $100m per race, and they would only be right 10% of the time. Finally, the physicists reported that they could also predict the outcome of any race, and that their process was cheap and simple. The investors listened eagerly to this proposal. The head physicist reported, "We have made several simplifying assumptions: first, let each horse be a perfect rolling sphere… Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Solvaij Posted May 12, 2018 Share Posted May 12, 2018 8/5 -- I like that one a lot. Q: How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb? A: One, but it will take 2 years, $20000, and the light bulb must WANT to change. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ProfImpossible Posted May 12, 2018 Share Posted May 12, 2018 Light bulb jokes are great,. Some of my very favorites. 7/8 Sodium sodium sodium sodium sodium sodium sodium sodium Batman! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dragoncat Posted May 12, 2018 Author Share Posted May 12, 2018 Clever! 8/10. There are two psyche ward patients, one is hanging from the ceiling and the other is pretending to hammer a nail into a board. A bystander talks to the second one. "What is your friend doing?" "He thinks he's a light bulb." "Well you better get him down before he hurts himself." "No way, then I'll have to work in the dark!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ProfImpossible Posted May 12, 2018 Share Posted May 12, 2018 Quite funny indeed. Impressive witticism. A six out of nine. A psychoanalyst shows a patient an inkblot, and asks him what he sees. The patient says: "A man and woman making love." The psychoanalyst shows him a second inkblot, and the patient says: "That's also a man and woman making love." The psychoanalyst says: "You are obsessed with sex." The patient says: "What do you mean I am obsessed? You're the one with all the dirty pictures.'' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dragoncat Posted May 13, 2018 Author Share Posted May 13, 2018 9/10. Wtf is up with inkblots anyway... A little boy comes in late to school. The teacher asks him where he was. "I was on Cherry Hill." Another boy comes in right after the first, he was also on Cherry Hill. Finally a little girl comes in. The teacher says "Let me guess, you were on Cherry Hill too?" And the girl says "No ma'am, I'm Cherry Hill!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ProfImpossible Posted May 13, 2018 Share Posted May 13, 2018 Perhaps it's quite dark. If someone reads in too much. 4 in a ten scale When I finished high school I wanted to take all my graduation money and buy myself a motorcycle. Buy my mom said no. See, she had a brother who died in a horrible motorcycle accident when he was 18. And I could just have his motorcycle. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dragoncat Posted May 13, 2018 Author Share Posted May 13, 2018 6/10, that's pretty dark too xD A guy hears a knock at his door, goes outside and there's a snail there. He picks it up and throws it into the woods outside his house. Three years later there's a knock at the door and a snail again. The snail says "What the hell did you do that for?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DragonFlames Posted May 13, 2018 Share Posted May 13, 2018 Oh god, I cracked up! XD 6/10 I just came back from the gym. Two hours on the treadmill really helped, but the beeping and the cashier were a bit annoying. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ProfImpossible Posted May 13, 2018 Share Posted May 13, 2018 Didn't see it coming. Delighted when it hit me. 10 out of twelve. I was reading a book on helium. I couldn’t put it down. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dragoncat Posted May 13, 2018 Author Share Posted May 13, 2018 6/10. The other day I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into them I have no idea! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The_antithesis Posted May 13, 2018 Share Posted May 13, 2018 Nice bait and switch, 7/10. What do you get when you cross Odin and Effie? A bad Ophelia. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ProfImpossible Posted May 13, 2018 Share Posted May 13, 2018 This seems to be truth. I do not quite get the joke. Hell, four out of ten. "Mommy! Mommy! When I grow up I want to be a guitar player!" "Now Johnny, you can't do both!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dragoncat Posted May 14, 2018 Author Share Posted May 14, 2018 8/10. A woman is talking to her coworker. "TGIF!" The coworker replies "SHIT." "TGIF means thank god it's Friday." "SHIT means sorry honey it's Thursday." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ProfImpossible Posted May 15, 2018 Share Posted May 15, 2018 Quite clever indeed. And I can't think of the rest so I'm done 7/10 Letter from a Guitarist to the "Dear Abby" help column in a newspaper. Dear Abby I think my wife is cheating on me. I am a working musician and, as you would expect, travel a lot. I have been noticing strange things happening when I get home. Her phone rings and she steps outside to answer it or she says, "I'll call you back later". When I ask her who called she gets evasive. Sometimes she goes out with friends but comes home late, getting dropped off around the corner and walking the rest of the way. I once picked up the extension while she was on the phone and she got very angry. A buddy of mine plays guitar in a band. He told me that my wife and some guy have been to his gigs. He wanted to borrow my guitar amp. That's when I got the idea to find out for myself what was really happening. I said "sure, you can use my amp but I want to hide behind it at the gig and see if she comes into the venue and who she comes in with". He agreed. Saturday night came and I slipped behind my Marshall JCM800 half stack to get a good view. I could feel the heat coming off the back of the amp. It was at that moment, crouching down behind the amp, that I noticed that one of the tubes was not glowing as bright as the other 3. Is this something I can fix myself or do need to take it to a technician? Thanks - Very Concerned. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DragonFlames Posted May 15, 2018 Share Posted May 15, 2018 It took a while, but I got it. 6/10 I told myself I would do 20 sit-ups before going to sleep. I've been awake for three days now. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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