Dragoncat Posted May 15, 2018 Author Share Posted May 15, 2018 7/10 sounds like me lol. How I learned to mind my own business: I was walking down the street and I passed a fence. From the other side I could hear people laughing and cheering and saying "43 43 43!" The fence was pure wood so I couldn't see through it, and it was too high to see over, but there was a hole I could look through. Some idiot poked me in the eye and then they started chanting "44 44 44!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ProfImpossible Posted May 15, 2018 Share Posted May 15, 2018 9/10 A neutron walked into a bar and asked, "How much for a gin and tonic?" The bartender smiled wryly and replied, "For you, no charge." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DragonFlames Posted May 16, 2018 Share Posted May 16, 2018 Pun Alert! 8/10 What do you call an archaeologist's skeleton inside of an ancient ruin? Indiana Bones. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dragoncat Posted May 16, 2018 Author Share Posted May 16, 2018 Got a smile out of me. 6/10. Never trust atoms. They make up everything. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ProfImpossible Posted May 17, 2018 Share Posted May 17, 2018 5/10 Two chemists go into a bar. The first one says “I think I’ll have an H2O.” The second one says “I think I’ll have an H2O too”—and then he died. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DragonFlames Posted May 17, 2018 Share Posted May 17, 2018 XD 9/10 Where did Anna go after the explosion? Everywhere. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dragoncat Posted May 17, 2018 Author Share Posted May 17, 2018 Anna from FE? 8/10 Give this flask to Mel and tell him to put it somewhere where nobody can find it. It's formaldehyde. (read it out loud if you don't get it) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DragonFlames Posted May 17, 2018 Share Posted May 17, 2018 (edited) Pun Alert! 8/10 For ten years, Herbert was praying every weekend: "Dear God, please let me win the lottery." It was always for naught. When he tried it again one day, his room was engulfed in a bright light and a desperate voice called to him: "Give me just one chance, Herbert. Buy a ticket, for Heaven's sake!" Edited May 17, 2018 by DragonFlames Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ProfImpossible Posted May 19, 2018 Share Posted May 19, 2018 8/10 You know who's a real son of a bitch? Bitch Jr. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dragoncat Posted May 20, 2018 Author Share Posted May 20, 2018 9/10. Little Johnny gets a toy train for Christmas. "All you sons of bitches who want to get off, get off, and all you sons of bitches who want to get on, get on, because this train's leaving for the next stop!" His mom hears him. "Go to your room for an hour! When the hour's up, you may play with your train, but no more of that language!" When the hour is up Johnny goes back to his train. "Please board and unboard now, have a pleasant trip and thank you for traveling with us...anyone who's pissed about the hour delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ProfImpossible Posted May 21, 2018 Share Posted May 21, 2018 8/10 How many narcissists does it take to screw in a light bulb? One, they hold it up and the world revolves around them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SMEDIA Posted May 21, 2018 Share Posted May 21, 2018 (edited) 8/10 There’s s teenage boy and his girlfriend. They decide to have sex in his bedroom, however, he shares a bunk bed with his little brother. The teenager has the top bunk. When they decide to have sex, they decide to use code words so the little brother doesn’t know what’s going on. ”Ok, if I want you to go harder, say “tomato.” If I want you to change position, say “lettuce.” Also, do not cum inside me; I’m not on the pill.” says the girl. So the two begin and the girl says “Lettuce, lettuce, tomato...” However, The teenager is about to cum and his girlfriend says “Wait! Don’t cum! I can’t risk getting pregnant!” Then, the little brother yells out ,” Hey! Stop making sandwiches up there! You’re getting mayonnaise all over my face!” Edited May 21, 2018 by SMEDIA Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dragoncat Posted May 21, 2018 Author Share Posted May 21, 2018 7/10 eww gross! xD A bear and a rabbit find the magical golden frog that will grant 6 wishes. Since there's two of them they each get 3 wishes. The bear wishes all the other bears in the forest were female. The rabbit wishes for a leather jacket. The bear wishes all the other bears in the country were female. The rabbit wishes for a motorcycle. The bear wishes all the other bears in the world were female. The rabbit says "I wish that bear was gay!" and hops on his motorcycle and speeds off. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ProfImpossible Posted May 23, 2018 Share Posted May 23, 2018 8/10 One day this guy's wife left him for another man. It tor him up, but he had had a trying life, so he was used to hardships. The next day he was fired from his job, but he was used to hardships. The third day, he became very depressed and decided to commit suicide, he jumped off a bridge. But just as he did, a boat was passing through and he smacked right on to it, but he didn't die, because he was used to hardships. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DragonFlames Posted May 23, 2018 Share Posted May 23, 2018 That pun... physically hurt me. 9/10 "Doctor, is there anything I can do against my inconspicuousness?" - "Next patient, please." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SMEDIA Posted May 23, 2018 Share Posted May 23, 2018 8/10 God is most certainly a bastard. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dragoncat Posted May 23, 2018 Author Share Posted May 23, 2018 6/10 There were two women who went on a ladies' night out. They got drunk and had to walk home. As they passed the cemetary they had to pee. One wiped with her underwear and threw them on the ground, and the other wiped with a wreath on a gravestone. The next day their husbands are talking. "No more ladies' night out!" The first husband says. "My wife came home with no underwear on!" "That's nothing." The second husband says. "My wife came home with a card up her crack that said from all of us at the fire hall we will never forget you!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ProfImpossible Posted May 25, 2018 Share Posted May 25, 2018 8/10 My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad, I had to take his bike away. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SMEDIA Posted May 25, 2018 Share Posted May 25, 2018 6/10 How do you get Helen Keller to keep a secret? Break her fingers. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ProfImpossible Posted May 25, 2018 Share Posted May 25, 2018 4/10 Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to help check her balance. So I pushed her over Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dragoncat Posted May 25, 2018 Author Share Posted May 25, 2018 6/10 The kindergarten teacher gives all the kids honey flavored life savers and none of them can guess what flavor it is. So the teacher says "Your mother might call your father this." Little Johnny jumps up and yells "Spit it out! It's asshole flavored!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ProfImpossible Posted May 25, 2018 Share Posted May 25, 2018 8/10 My teacher didn't believe me when I said I had 36 pets, so I showed her a picture of my fish tank. She freaked out when she saw how many dogs I could fit in there. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SMEDIA Posted May 26, 2018 Share Posted May 26, 2018 6.5/10 Do robots have souls? Of course; why wouldn’t they wear shoes? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ProfImpossible Posted May 26, 2018 Share Posted May 26, 2018 6/10 A bear walks in to a bar and says, "I'll have a rum... and coke". The bartender says "why the large pause?" And the bear says "I don't know, I was born with them." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SMEDIA Posted May 26, 2018 Share Posted May 26, 2018 7/10 Me: If you kissed your girlfriend/wife one day and her mouth tasted like cum, would you break up with her? You: Yes/No/ I dunno Me: How do you know what cum tastes like? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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