I could use some advice...

[Anacybele]

It might seem strange that I'm about to ask family-related advice here on SF, but... I don't know who else to turn to. I can't talk to any family since as I said, it's an issue relating to that.

I'll try to keep this explanation short though. My parents decided to buy this empty lot a year ago and build a house on it. The house is kinda close to being finished now. It should've been finished a couple months ago, actually, but this is where the problems come in. It's starting to feel like this was the worst idea ever. But they couldn't find an already built place that satisfied them. Anyway, my parents are repeatedly getting pissed off at every problem that comes up. Sometimes it's understandable. Like when the people building the house tried to make my parents pay extra money to fix a critical error that THEY, as in the builders, made. And a lady down the street wants to be greedy and make them pay more money to let them dig a little in her yard to install a new water line.

I totally get being mad about those things. But everything else feels very petty, and my mom seems to want to criticize damn near everything. She's never satisfied with anything. My stepdad's been mostly cool with the house, but not her.

And even if their anger is understandable, they've also been repeatedly taking it out on me and when I offered to loan them more money (they already owe me), they just spat at me saying it's stupid to owe your own kid money and that they don't want to owe anyone anymore money. Well first of all, I'm not made of money, I can't just hand it over to people whenever. Second, it isn't like they'd have to repay me for awhile. I understand their situation, I can wait however long it takes. Third, they should've thought of these things before building a damn house. They couldn't know that lady would be a bitch or anything, but they could've thought a little further ahead and made sure they could set aside extra money in case some shit like this happened. There's ALWAYS a chance something could go wrong in a project.

And even when they apologize for taking their anger out on me, it doesn't mean anything, they just do it again later. I'm tired of all this stupid drama over the house and being treated like some lifeless object that you can just yell and snap at whenever you please. They don't seem to want to understand why I'm upset now. I want to leave and never come back, but I can't afford to live on my own right now. I don't have a job and I keep being denied SSI even though I should qualify for it since I'm autistic. I have nowhere to go.

So I have no idea what to do now...

[Dr. Tarrasque]

Quote

 I have nowhere to go.

No family or relatives you could move to for the time being? it sounds like they can't help but take their frustrations out on someone other than themselves so there's no reason for you to stick around for the duration of this mess. If not, you may just have to bear it. If you can, record their lashing out at you when they're angry and show it to them when they're calm and willing to listen. If it's as bad as you say, they may try to make a conscious effort to at least try not to use you as your punching bag.

Edited May 25, 2018 by Dr. Tarrasque

[Silver-Haired Maiden]

I totally get what you mean about your parents. My situation is slightly different though because my parents are like that even without the stress of building a house. I'm stuck too :/ Honestly the only advice I can give you is to find ways to make yourself happy outside of them. I would help you move out if I could but... yeah, I'm stuck too with no job and need them to pay for college. I feel ya.

[Anacybele]

39 minutes ago, Dr. Tarrasque said:

No family or relatives you could move to for the time being? it sounds like they can't help but take their frustrations out on someone other than themselves so there's no reason for you to stick around for the duration of this mess. If not, you may just have to bear it. If you can, record their lashing out at you when they're angry and show it to them when they're calm and willing to listen. If it's as bad as you say, they may try to make a conscious effort to at least try not to use you as your punching bag.

No, they wouldn't have room for me and my stuff. And some of them don't have internet. I have to have the internet to be able to look for a job, at least, and I like being online to talk to people sometimes.

I really don't know if recording it would only make things worse though...

4 minutes ago, Silver-Haired Maiden said:

I totally get what you mean about your parents. My situation is slightly different though because my parents are like that even without the stress of building a house. I'm stuck too :/ Honestly the only advice I can give you is to find ways to make yourself happy outside of them. I would help you move out if I could but... yeah, I'm stuck too with no job and need them to pay for college. I feel ya.

I see. Glad to know someone understands at least.

[Dragoncat]

Sounds rough...I totally get the parent drama thing, I had that and it only stopped when I moved out, which was the best thing that ever happened to me, but you said that's not an option, so I guess...just hang in there is all I can say.

[EricaofRenais]

Find places to go when they get mad, is there a library near where you live now?  Libraries at least where I live are nice and quiet have internet and wifi that you can use for free and have lots of books.  You can even take your handhelds and play video games there with head phones.   I still live at home as well and when my parents get mad I just find somewhere else to be for a while and then I contact my mom when I think they have cooled down and go home then.  

[ProfImpossible]

Here are my thoughts on the subject.

1 hour ago, Anacybele said:

No, they wouldn't have room for me and my stuff. And some of them don't have internet. I have to have the internet to be able to look for a job, at least, and I like being online to talk to people sometimes.

I don't know your relationships with your other family, but if this situation is so toxic, it might help to just take a few essentials and "visit" someone else for a few days to decompress. Unless you think your parents would harm the rest of your stuff or something. 

Libraries might work too.

 

2 hours ago, Anacybele said:

But everything else feels very petty, and my mom seems to want to criticize damn near everything

It seems your mom is insecure about the very big life decision she made(that's not going as planned) and is taking it out on most everything she sees(including you). It also seems like it's hard for her to accept help, a lot people like to bitch about their problems instead of constructively trying to fix them. It's also common for people to feel like their problems must only be their own, and excepting help would make them look weak in a sense (Especially in a parent child relationship) . They often will say that they don't want to bother someone else with their problems, but in reality, the stress they are incurring is building up and being taken out on others. These are stupid, but also harder than they seem to change. It seems to me that you've made a valiant effort to try and help out, and the best thing to do is to try and detach yourself from the situation as much as possible (I realize this may be harder than it sounds). 

I don't know if this happens to you, but I often think I see an easier way someone could do something, or a way I can help out and make things easier for them (how meta is that). But in the end, it comes down to the fact that you can't change people, all you can do is offer help, and if they don't want it, whether because they truly don't need it, or through some petty conceit of their own, it can't be helped.  I don't know you or your family though, so obviously you need to use your own judgement with this.

Also, contractors and builders are notorious for things like this(yours in particular sound very hard to deal with); and even if you do it yourself, building a house is an experience filled with setbacks and extra costs. It sounds like your parents definitely could've had more foresight, but it's hard to have enough of it when undertaking something like this. They can't be blamed too much for that.

So in a nutshell, my advice would be since can't physically leave. The best course of action seems to be to detach yourself and try to reach some sort of emotional peace with the situation.  

 

Hope it works out okay.

 

 

 

 

 

Edited May 25, 2018 by ProfImpossible

[Anacybele]

1 hour ago, Dragoncat said:

Sounds rough...I totally get the parent drama thing, I had that and it only stopped when I moved out, which was the best thing that ever happened to me, but you said that's not an option, so I guess...just hang in there is all I can say.

I know, you've told me. I didn't tell you over PM or anything, Dcat, because I knew this would be exactly what you'd say. No offense, really.

1 hour ago, EricaofRenais said:

Find places to go when they get mad, is there a library near where you live now?  Libraries at least where I live are nice and quiet have internet and wifi that you can use for free and have lots of books.  You can even take your handhelds and play video games there with head phones.   I still live at home as well and when my parents get mad I just find somewhere else to be for a while and then I contact my mom when I think they have cooled down and go home then.  

Nope, no library near here, unfortunately. At least not one close enough that I can walk or bus to, I believe. Otherwise, I might've considered that.

46 minutes ago, ProfImpossible said:

Here are my thoughts on the subject.

I don't know your relationships with your other family, but if this situation is so toxic, it might help to just take a few essentials and "visit" someone else for a few days to decompress. Unless you think your parents would harm the rest of your stuff or something. 

Libraries might work too.

 

It seems your mom is insecure about the very big life decision she made(that's not going as planned) and is taking it out on most everything she sees(including you). It also seems like it's hard for her to accept help, a lot people like to bitch about their problems instead of constructively trying to fix them. It's also common for people to feel like their problems must only be their own, and excepting help would make them look weak in a sense (Especially in a parent child relationship) . They often will say that they don't want to bother someone else with their problems, but in reality, the stress they are incurring is building up and being taken out on others. These are stupid, but also harder than they seem to change. It seems to me that you've made a valiant effort to try and help out, and the best thing to do is to try and detach yourself from the situation as much as possible (I realize this may be harder than it sounds). 

I don't know if this happens to you, but I often think I see an easier way someone could do something, or a way I can help out and make things easier for them (how meta is that). But in the end, it comes down to the fact that you can't change people, all you can do is offer help, and if they don't want it, whether because they truly don't need it, or through some petty conceit of their own, it can't be helped.  I don't know you or your family though, so obviously you need to use your own judgement with this.

Also, contractors and builders are notorious for things like this(yours in particular sound very hard to deal with); and even if you do it yourself, building a house is an experience filled with setbacks and extra costs. It sounds like your parents definitely could've had more foresight, but it's hard to have enough of it when undertaking something like this. They can't be blamed too much for that.

So in a nutshell, my advice would be since can't physically leave. The best course of action seems to be to detach yourself and try to reach some sort of emotional peace with the situation.  

 

Hope it works out okay.

There's really no one I want to visit right now that I don't already see a lot, unfortunately... No, I know my parents wouldn't mess with my stuff like that. My niece might, but so long as her parents and mine make sure she knows not to, that wouldn't be an issue either.

I see. Yeah, that sounds about right.

Well, I do partly understand the issues regarding the mistakes the builders/contractors have done. Wayne Homes, the company building the house, had never built in this county before, or at least never did it much. So they didn't have an full understanding of the county code, at least not at first. Their employees should've learned it better, and they shouldn't have wanted to charge my parents more for their own mistakes, but it WAS a kind of project they weren't used to doing. And this county does have some stupid shit too.

Yeah, I've been detaching myself right now... But I thought maybe there was something else I could do too. Thanks though. I hope it works out too.

Edited May 25, 2018 by Anacybele

[Dragoncat]

3 minutes ago, Anacybele said:

I know, you've told me. I didn't tell you over PM or anything, Dcat, because I knew this would be exactly what you'd say. No offense, really.

None taken. I had to show support though. Good luck!

[Anacybele]

6 minutes ago, Dragoncat said:

None taken. I had to show support though. Good luck!

Yeah, I do get that. Thanks. :)