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SF's "Write Your Butt Off" II - Return of Writer's Block


Rapier
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SF's Write Your Butt Off! II Votals  

11 members have voted

  1. 1. Which submission will you vote for?

    • "The Heart of Dedication"
      0
    • "The Strength Within"
      5
    • "Simply a Hunter"
      0
    • "One More Time"
      3
    • "Perfected"
      2
    • "No One Is Iredeemable"
      0
    • "Going Forward"
      1

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  • Poll closed on 03/09/2019 at 10:00 PM

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11 hours ago, AnonymousSpeed said:

Weren't votes supposed to be hidden? Not just who voted for what, but how many each entry got.

Since I only have two stories to comment on, I'll cover them both in one big pseudo-comparative analysis.

While Chloey's story is the weakest in terms of comedy, and as she herself admits, I think it does the best job of presenting the "unintended consequences" aspect of the prompt.

Jotari's story kind of touches on this, but the various realms visited are mostly separate levels holding various McGuffins; Tauroneo possibly screwing his past self over comes close but nothing really comes with it. The same could be said of my story- the realms are really just different locales to be visited and don't induce any existential crises and fail to alter the character's original world.

Meanwhile, Chloey's story comes closer to the idea that Lucina's world has been irrevocably mutated because of these dimensional shenanigans. I feel that its main failing is in that same area though- making the differences result from the tactician rather than Lucina's interference severely weakens what could have been the best execution of this idea. I'm not entirely sure my opinion here is final, though- there is an argument to be made for trapping yourself in an unrecognizable reality making for one hell of an unintended consequence.

I had my vote here because I forgot I thought I wasn't supposed to share it so now it's not here.

 

Now, for some of my favorite lines/bits and comments on specific moments:

  Hide contents

Chloey:

The idea of Lucina having a different mother than in her own reality is actually really dark and really interesting, especially if (as the story implies but could do more to imply) she kind of has to hide that fact.

I also feel that romantic bits at the end are a bit rushed- maybe it should have been sprinkled more throughout or the story should have ended around B support, but I get what you were going for, it's a nice moment held back by being undercooked.

Jotari:

Using "Kaga" as a sort of deific being calling back to Naga is a masterful idea.

This is a fantastic line.

When I was proofreading the story, that last line wasn't there. I feel the ending is actually more effective and engaging when it isn't.

 

I added that last line because I thought it might be a bit too inobvious that destroying the Sacred Stone of Grado would have ramifications for the world and Tauroneon & Volug's immediate futures. Now for my assesments.

@AnonymousSpeed

Spoiler

 

So first thing out of the way, that overly long Anna joke was obnoxious. Didn't work for me at all. Other than that, the story was pretty solid. The set up was good (I find it amusing we both ended up killing Chrom) and each new world brought something unexpected and new, even if it's just a one paragraph joke, they managed to land. I felt completely in the same shoes as Sully and Stahl. My favorite one was the last world with the crazy conspiracy theorist Basillio. It somehow manages to make absolutely no sense as a character, yet at the same time fits perfectly (and he might not actually be wrong considering Stahl did note that Falchion doesn't seem all that hard to wield at the start of the story). 

Also you prompted me to google Mexican Chrom and the internets did not disappoint.

Image result for mexican chrom

 

@TheSilentChloey

Spoiler

 

This was a good idea (Back to the Future, Awakening Edition). Even though it's about time travel, it seems strikingly logical and realistic as a chain of events. The only exception would be Bradly and Cynthia. I feel they should have been included somehow. After all, if Lucina has to pretend Maribelle is her mother, she'd have to pretend Bradly is her brother and Cynthia isn't her sister, which would complicate things a lot more.

I don't think the romance came completely out of nowhere, it was built up throughout, and I like the last line, but other than that I don't think it really connected well. We didn't actually see any scenes of Caleb actually interacting with her. I think what the story could have really benefited from (and this is what I though you were going to do when I saw how the paragraphs were arranged out of the corner of my eye) outright mimicing a support conversation with three or four separate but connected conversations happening one after another with an implied time skip. I think that would give it more cohesion with the game and might improve the pacing a bit.

Some last loose thoughts,

You said this was based on your own playthrough, so this was probably unintentional, but I find that the pairings that did occur were amusingly appropriate in how completely unsuitable some of them are. Specifically Gregor X Miriel and Nowi x Libra (although to be fair, I don't think Libra suits any of the female cast because his personality is so thin).

"She frowned under her mask." This doesn't strike me as possible given the shape of Lucina's Mask, but details.

 

 

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Oof, this is a hard choice, you guys - while Anon and Jotari knocked it out of the park with the humor, I didn't feel like either of yours actually did any time-traveling, just world-hopping, particularly Anon's, where all Stahl and Sully really did was play around with the Outrealm Gate and fill one very lucky Anna's pockets. Meanwhile, Chloey's entry, though less humorous, did actually focus on the time-travel aspect more. At the very least, I'm holding off on the vote until we decide if we're switching the poll back to private.

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I personally don't have great humour so that's the expected part.  Am I terrible for saying I didn't find the others all that funny either?  *winces*  That's it I must be defective in some way...

 

@AnonymousSpeed

Spoiler

The Anna joke for me was a bit too long and was the factor that kind of turned me away from the story a bit, though I didn't really find it that humourous, (I clearly know no comedy because others found it funny) I did like the Kellam bit because that joke did reach me.

I also found it pretty hit and miss (god why?!) though I can see why others might enjoy it, so over all it was a good read.  Just not so humourous to me.

@Jotari

Spoiler

Your story kind of does the same thing.  It's not really that funny to me, but I can see why others would find it funny I think I'm defective and that's why humour is lost on me.  I guess this is a running theme, perhaps again due to my lack of getting jokes more likely.

 

The various deus ex machinas could have been handled better, perhaps, though I did get some references most fell flat with me.  That said it was an enjoyable read, a tad more than Anon's probably because the jokes weren't as drawn out.

I'll just plonk in the corner and wait for the next theme...

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4 hours ago, Rapier said:

I couldn't find any ways to make votals hidden. I mean, except for asking people to vote by messaging me, but that's inconvenient.

We could request the staff implement it as an option on Sernes. Not sure how difficult that would be.

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On 9/28/2018 at 10:36 AM, Jotari said:

I added that last line because I thought it might be a bit too inobvious that destroying the Sacred Stone of Grado would have ramifications for the world and Tauroneon & Volug's immediate futures.

I would say that we can assume most people here have played Sacred Stones, but then I remembered that like 80% of the fandom came in with Awakening or a later game but maybe not. I still feel you should have left the last sentence off- people who won't have gotten it at the end probably won't appreciate much of the story (at least not to the same degree) anyway.

 

You know, while people really didn't like the Anna joke, I'm okay with it, because that joke was more for me than the reader, and the joke for the former was at the expense of the latter. So, in the end, it worked out exactly as it should have had. Rapier's reaction to the word count was pretty funny too.

 

On 9/28/2018 at 6:50 PM, TheSilentChloey said:

Am I terrible for saying I didn't find the others all that funny either?  *winces*  That's it I must be defective in some way...

If I might present a different hypothesis-

c8l5sdA.png

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3 hours ago, AnonymousSpeed said:

If I might present a different hypothesis-

c8l5sdA.png

*slowly removes glasses in shock*
*quickly puts them back on because is blind as (self-censored) without them*
Chloey! (Insert mock horror here) You mean to tell me you've been a woman this whole time?! *scandalous gasp*

I actually laughed quite a bit at the Anna joke because, being me, I tried to come up with all the different ways Stahl could have been pronouncing 'Anna' to see if I could actually come up with that many pronunciations of 'Anna', it was a surprisingly enjoyable ten to fifteen minutes. I did also find the smashing of the Sacred Stone pretty good.

As for my vote, I believe I'll have to go with Jotari. While Chloey certainly held to the time travel part of the theme the best, and I got more laughs out of Anon's, Jotari's came closest to the merge of the two parts of the theme, since Jugdral and Ylisse are both visited and those two are technically supposed to be part of the same timeline while none of the others are confirmed to be linked.

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3 hours ago, AnonymousSpeed said:

I would say that we can assume most people here have played Sacred Stones, but then I remembered that like 80% of the fandom came in with Awakening or a later game but maybe not. I still feel you should have left the last sentence off- people who won't have gotten it at the end probably won't appreciate much of the story (at least not to the same degree) anyway.

 

You know, while people really didn't like the Anna joke, I'm okay with it, because that joke was more for me than the reader, and the joke for the former was at the expense of the latter. So, in the end, it worked out exactly as it should have had. Rapier's reaction to the word count was pretty funny too.

 

If I might present a different hypothesis-

c8l5sdA.png

That's not actually it nice try though lol

4 minutes ago, SoulWeaver said:

*slowly removes glasses in shock*
*quickly puts them back on because is blind as (self-censored) without them*
Chloey! (Insert mock horror here) You mean to tell me you've been a woman this whole time?! *scandalous gasp*

I actually laughed quite a bit at the Anna joke because, being me, I tried to come up with all the different ways Stahl could have been pronouncing 'Anna' to see if I could actually come up with that many pronunciations of 'Anna', it was a surprisingly enjoyable ten to fifteen minutes. I did also find the smashing of the Sacred Stone pretty good.

As for my vote, I believe I'll have to go with Jotari. While Chloey certainly held to the time travel part of the theme the best, and I got more laughs out of Anon's, Jotari's came closest to the merge of the two parts of the theme, since Jugdral and Ylisse are both visited and those two are technically supposed to be part of the same timeline while none of the others are confirmed to be linked.

What you didn't know?  I would have thought the avatar was a give-away since female Robin pose and my name's a female one.  Wow...

:lol:

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10 minutes ago, SoulWeaver said:

*slowly removes glasses in shock*
*quickly puts them back on because is blind as (self-censored) without them*
Chloey! (Insert mock horror here) You mean to tell me you've been a woman this whole time?! *scandalous gasp*

I actually laughed quite a bit at the Anna joke because, being me, I tried to come up with all the different ways Stahl could have been pronouncing 'Anna' to see if I could actually come up with that many pronunciations of 'Anna', it was a surprisingly enjoyable ten to fifteen minutes. I did also find the smashing of the Sacred Stone pretty good.

As for my vote, I believe I'll have to go with Jotari. While Chloey certainly held to the time travel part of the theme the best, and I got more laughs out of Anon's, Jotari's came closest to the merge of the two parts of the theme, since Jugdral and Ylisse are both visited and those two are technically supposed to be part of the same timeline while none of the others are confirmed to be linked.

They also visit two different parts of Tellius. And while they don't go back to any of the world's, I think we can imagine how stealing the Fire Emblems (and killing Chrom) would have a massive affect on how those stories develop.

4 minutes ago, TheSilentChloey said:

That's not actually it nice try though lol

What you didn't know?  I would have thought the avatar was a give-away since female Robin pose and my name's a female one.  Wow...

:lol:

Not to mention Chloey is generally considered a female name.

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1 hour ago, Jotari said:

They also visit two different parts of Tellius. And while they don't go back to any of the world's, I think we can imagine how stealing the Fire Emblems (and killing Chrom) would have a massive affect on how those stories develop.

Not to mention Chloey is generally considered a female name.

Exactly lol!

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16 hours ago, TheSilentChloey said:

What you didn't know?  I would have thought the avatar was a give-away since female Robin pose and my name's a female one.  Wow...

:lol:

 

16 hours ago, Jotari said:

Not to mention Chloey is generally considered a female name.

...

16 hours ago, SoulWeaver said:

*slowly removes glasses in shock*
*quickly puts them back on because is blind as (self-censored) without them*
Chloey! ->(Insert MOCK horror here)<- You mean to tell me you've been a woman this whole time?! *scandalous gasp*

 

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Gotta give it to @Jotari. I did get a few chuckles out of that one. 

Right away with that title, before I even read a word of your story, I wanted to love it.  I do wish there had been some overt homage to Bill & Ted in the story itself--that would have been icing on the cake--but I'm perfectly happy with the Kaga Wants to Destroy the World Because of Bad Literature theme you got going.  

@AnonymousSpeed : ...so just out of curiosity, I copy-and-pasted the "Anna. Anna. Anna." bit into microsoft word. It came out to 31 pages and 1,510 words.

I'm trying to think of a more fitting metaphor for inflating word count just for the sake of inflating word count and--well--I'm drawing a blank. 

@TheSilentChloey You know you missed the mark on the comedy theme. But you were also the only one who really nailed the "unintended consequences" element of the challenge.  Writing itself was fine, if a bit underdeveloped. I'd like to see you get confident enough in your writing that you start taking on more ambitious projects--you could have done so much more with the narrative (i.e. future Lucina is standoffish to Chrom's wife in this timeline, despite her best efforts to treat Lucina like a daughter. Then future Morgan comes--from a future where Robin didn't marry Lucina. And everything gets flipped on its head with Lucina on the opposite end of the [future daughter x wrong  mother] relationship). 

i.e.

Image result for lucina signs of destruction

Like--
@Jotari took on an ambitious project. Kudos. 

 

Edited by Shoblongoo
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8 hours ago, Shoblongoo said:

Right away with that title, before I even read a word of your story, I wanted to love it.  I do wish there had been some overt homage to Bill & Ted in the story itself--that would have been icing on the cake--but I'm perfectly happy with the Kaga Wants to Destroy the World Because of Bad Literature theme you got going.  

 

Coincidentally, I also considered a Bill and Ted title references.

 

8 hours ago, Shoblongoo said:

31 pages

El brilliante.

though that's only 1507 examples of 'anna'

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9 hours ago, Shoblongoo said:

Gotta give it to @Jotari. I did get a few chuckles out of that one. 

Right away with that title, before I even read a word of your story, I wanted to love it.  I do wish there had been some overt homage to Bill & Ted in the story itself--that would have been icing on the cake--but I'm perfectly happy with the Kaga Wants to Destroy the World Because of Bad Literature theme you got going.  

@AnonymousSpeed : ...so just out of curiosity, I copy-and-pasted the "Anna. Anna. Anna." bit into microsoft word. It came out to 31 pages and 1,510 words.

I'm trying to think of a more fitting metaphor for inflating word count just for the sake of inflating word count and--well--I'm drawing a blank. 

@TheSilentChloey You know you missed the mark on the comedy theme. But you were also the only one who really nailed the "unintended consequences" element of the challenge.  Writing itself was fine, if a bit underdeveloped. I'd like to see you get confident enough in your writing that you start taking on more ambitious projects--you could have done so much more with the narrative (i.e. future Lucina is standoffish to Chrom's wife in this timeline, despite her best efforts to treat Lucina like a daughter. Then future Morgan comes--from a future where Robin didn't marry Lucina. And everything gets flipped on its head with Lucina on the opposite end of the [future daughter x wrong  mother] relationship). 

i.e.

Image result for lucina signs of destruction

Like--
@Jotari took on an ambitious project. Kudos. 

 

Yeah but nah.  I don't like that idea...plus it doesn't suit my writing style.

Especially since I have other slightly more serious projects to work on that need to be published...or completed.  This WYBO stuff is whatever time I can spare/avoid writer's block/growth as a writer.  Though that's what the fan fiction is for as well.  I can say that I have been looking into making prompts out of this so there is that at least...

Edited by TheSilentChloey
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And since I'm not able to edit my post (damn it!) Here's the end of Unexpected Consequences:

Spoiler

Lucina stood gaping as Grima casually made it clear that had she not tried to go back in time to stop him, then everything would have happened as it should.  She wouldn't have to pretend that she was Maribelle's daughter and Brady her brother. She wouldn't have to practically disown being Cynthia’s sister...but she most certainly would not have married Caleb, (and Grima didn't know this) or currently be pregnant with the tactician's child.

 

There was a silence at his words and Grima smirked widely, “Tut, tut you worms bore me.” He said having hoped to create a little chaos.  “Did you not hear what I just said?”

Chrom said, “We heard.  We just don't care.” He spoke calmly, “Last thing we need is a puffed up old man telling stories that are not his to tell.”

Lucina gaped at her father, “F-Father…”

Chrom grinned, “Especially a washed up has been who doesn't know a thing about bonds and the strength they give.” He added grinning even wider, and Grima frowned,

“What the hells?!”

Chrom chuckled, “You're a bit slow aren't you Grima?” He smirked,

“Not as slow as you.” Grima shot back,

“Actually, you're even slower than him…”

“You worm!”  Grima snarled, “You dare-!”

A flash of blinding light made Grima disappear, “What...just...happened?”

“Grima was pulled to another world to become a hero.” Naga’s Voice said in disbelief, “And apparently the individual who'd summoned him was desperate to have him.”

“What?!”

“It's true.” Tiki said calmly, “This world was saved by that brave summoner...hopefully no hells will be made while he's gone.”

Lucina wanted to pull her hair out and scream.  This wasn't what she had in mind when she came through time.

 

She had only thought to kill Grima and end his tyranny.  Not to put him in the position to become a hero. What had she done?  Why did everything she did have to go so terribly wrong?

 

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53 minutes ago, TheSilentChloey said:

And since I'm not able to edit my post (damn it!) Here's the end of Unexpected Consequences:

  Hide contents

Lucina stood gaping as Grima casually made it clear that had she not tried to go back in time to stop him, then everything would have happened as it should.  She wouldn't have to pretend that she was Maribelle's daughter and Brady her brother. She wouldn't have to practically disown being Cynthia’s sister...but she most certainly would not have married Caleb, (and Grima didn't know this) or currently be pregnant with the tactician's child.

 

There was a silence at his words and Grima smirked widely, “Tut, tut you worms bore me.” He said having hoped to create a little chaos.  “Did you not hear what I just said?”

Chrom said, “We heard.  We just don't care.” He spoke calmly, “Last thing we need is a puffed up old man telling stories that are not his to tell.”

Lucina gaped at her father, “F-Father…”

Chrom grinned, “Especially a washed up has been who doesn't know a thing about bonds and the strength they give.” He added grinning even wider, and Grima frowned,

“What the hells?!”

Chrom chuckled, “You're a bit slow aren't you Grima?” He smirked,

“Not as slow as you.” Grima shot back,

“Actually, you're even slower than him…”

“You worm!”  Grima snarled, “You dare-!”

A flash of blinding light made Grima disappear, “What...just...happened?”

“Grima was pulled to another world to become a hero.” Naga’s Voice said in disbelief, “And apparently the individual who'd summoned him was desperate to have him.”

“What?!”

“It's true.” Tiki said calmly, “This world was saved by that brave summoner...hopefully no hells will be made while he's gone.”

Lucina wanted to pull her hair out and scream.  This wasn't what she had in mind when she came through time.

 

She had only thought to kill Grima and end his tyranny.  Not to put him in the position to become a hero. What had she done?  Why did everything she did have to go so terribly wrong?

 

Haha. I like the original end better, but this is very amusing.

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1 minute ago, Jotari said:

Haha. I like the original end better, but this is very amusing.

This was the intended ending that never was.  :XD:  It would have added a grand three hundred words and fit with theme lol.

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It was indeed an interesting ending. Not as strong dramatically, but as far as comedy goes it's a stronger ending, and it is a clever resolution.

I also feel it would be appropriate at this point to reveal the "inspiration" for the Basilio rant found in the story. Spoilers, if you haven't read that part.

Spoiler
 
4cf.jpg
 
 
I put quotation marks around "inspired" because I really just copied it.
 

 

Edited by AnonymousSpeed
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I would like to wait until the deadline is actually up before making a prompt, but I'm travelling for the next three days so I'll throw one out now on the assumption of victory.

Write me a story about a character who has committed an immoral act (or acts) in their past.

I think that should be just open enough, but also just enough outside some comfort zones to make for a few interesting stories. Entertain me!

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Although I'm not a formal participant, owing to doubts of me being able to truly finish writing anything or with good characters, may I ask the following? 

  1. Does their immorality have to have presently ceased?
  2. Must they have guilt concerning the immoral act?
  3. Must the act have been lacking in any reasonable justification?

I expect the latter two questions to be answered "no" for more creative freedom, but I wanted to get them out the way for others. The first question however, I'm less certain as to an answer for.

Edited by Interdimensional Observer
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