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SF's "Write Your Butt Off" II - Return of Writer's Block


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SF's Write Your Butt Off! II Votals  

11 members have voted

  1. 1. Which submission will you vote for?

    • "The Heart of Dedication"
      0
    • "The Strength Within"
      5
    • "Simply a Hunter"
      0
    • "One More Time"
      3
    • "Perfected"
      2
    • "No One Is Iredeemable"
      0
    • "Going Forward"
      1

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  • Poll closed on 03/09/2019 at 10:00 PM

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So I ended up writing waaaaaaaay too much in terms of critiques...but there were fewer entries this round than the last round I entered in (plus I had some more time). So I tried to be thorough and give some detailed criticism. I'll go ahead and respond to the criticism given to me first! 

@Jotari - I seem to have trouble being super clear with themes. I'm trying to get better with that... I suppose the angle I was going for with "mercy" was meant to be interpreted in a variety of different ways since mercy is one of those things that's different to every person. For Death, his mercy was letting the princess expire last since he observed that the mortals seemed to be fighting for that right. But also his mercy was helping the boy to survive when he clearly didn't have the means to do so on his own. He could easily let him starve or maim himself falling off of trees, but he does care for the child, and the child cares for him. There's also the fact that the god of the realm keeps bringing back creation even after having destroyed it a couple of times. Perhaps it's not mercy to destroy everything, but it might be mercy not to give up completely and hope that one of these days they'll get it right. This was my first time exploring some more "legend" or "lore" type material for some of my own work, so I definitely have more to flesh out. I'm glad to hear that my interpretation of Death at least seems intriguing. I wanted to stay away from anything that seemed too familiar... I almost wanted to make him sound a bit weirder, maybe throw in some scales or a shell or horns, but I didn't know if that would be too much.

@DarthR0xas - It's really interesting that my two critiques kind of contradict one another. I intentionally left Death as kind of strange looking because I didn't want him to conform to anything we're super familiar with in the world. If I could go back, I'd probably be more descriptive in general, but he doesn't really conform to one label like humanoid or canine. (I think I might've made him a little too feline.) Making it longer probably would have helped with the details, but time was also an issue I suppose. I had some more of it, but no patience. I'll definitely be revisiting this and hopefully be able to hammer out a proper legend.

Thanks for the feedback. Now for my own feedback!

@TheSilentChloey

Spoiler

 

I thought this one was nicely written. I spotted a few errors here and there. I noticed you have a tendency to treat dialogue tags as separate sentences.

For example: “I...I can't...I can't do this!” He asked, with wide eyes…. should probably be written as: “I...I can't...I can't do this!” he asked, with wide eyes… Even if dialogue tags follow punctuation other than a comma, they shouldn’t be capitalized unless they’re a proper noun. Not really a critique on the writing itself, but I thought I’d point it out since it was a pretty noteable error throughout the entire piece.

I enjoyed the first two parts greatly. Young Marth was characterized really well. I could easily see him being the reluctant victim of his father’s attempts to get him to “man-up.” Normally using things like “Marth the Girl” would kind of...bother me, since as a female reader, I don’t see that as an insult, but that’s fitting of the time period. I almost would have liked to have seen more from the first scene to develop the idea a bit more instead of casually mentioning that he would have rather been with his sister. But I also think that starting in the middle of the action was a very good choice since it was engaging.

The second part connected very well with the first with some easy parallels between the two scenes. But I also thought it kind of worked against Marth’s development a little. On one hand, it showed that he had gained the necessary skills to make difficult choices in order to protect his people, but at the same time, it also looked like his father had won in a way as if he’s in his ear saying, “You have to end someone’s suffering THIS way. It’s the only way.” And Marth’s thoughts towards the end make it seem like not being able to find his own way as a ruler has been tearing him apart. It’s a very interesting take on him, and I’m not super familiar with his games. I think you intended to show him as a young ruler who abhors violence but does what he has to. Rather than have him angst a ton, it might be more powerful to show him praying over the bodies of the fallen or taking last requests or anything of that nature, so he’s torn but not quite destroyed on the inside.

With the third part, I had some trouble understanding how it connected to the first two. I’m not sure if Lucina was having a dream with Marth’s memories (which would be a little confusing unless the two of them had some sort of spiritual connection from beyond the grave)...or if the Marth in the second scene was supposed to be Lucina which I’m pretty sure isn’t the case. I’m curious to know why you chose to add this last part in. I think you could find a way to weave the two stories together since you can probably draw parallels between Marth and Cornelius as well as Chrom and his tyrant father, but that would require a lot more writing.

 

 

@Shoblongoo

Spoiler

 

I really, really enjoyed this piece. I think you do an excellent job developing Tellius’s lore. Begnion society is probably one of the things that intrigues me about the world the most, and I think you create a very interesting theological dialogue between a child and someone who wrote the doctrine. The way you incorporate your own ideas in with the game’s is pretty flawless, some of the more interesting Tellius stuff I’ve seen. It’s a bit early for me, so I can’t delve as deeply as I want to into the conversation, but I thought it flowed rather beautifully.

If I have to critique anything, I probably would have liked to have seen the larger chunks of text broken up a bit. It’s some deep reading I find myself needing to go back to a few times to read over and over again. I feel like there could have been more of a dialogue between Sephiran and Sanaki so she could have a bit of an “Aha!” moment rather than having this massive idea. Then again, I often have my most profound ideas right before bed, especially if it's like...2AM.

I’ll also note that I think Sephiran’s use of “hath” in his inner dialogue is a bit odd as well. I’m not sure why he’d speak archaically to himself, but that’s really just a nitpick.

 

 

@Farina's Pegasus
 

Spoiler

 

I already commented on some comma issues I noticed when you PMed me, so I’ll start off with those before I get into talking about the actual story. If you want me to go through and nitpick things, lemme me know, and I’ll do that via PM. But for now, I’ll just use some examples from the first paragraph:

I was supposed to be home. I was supposed to be sitting on my bed, with my three closest friends next to me, demanding stories from the two weeks I’d just spent in the hamlet of Rosewood, across the continent, population one hundred and eighty-seven.

In the parts I underlined, I think the comma is unnecessary. I tried to find some absolute rule about commas and prepositions, but I got lazy. Lol By using a comma to set off “with my three closest friends” and “across the continent,” you’re basically saying they’re unessential information which is fine for the second example, but for the first, if you take that information out, the sentence sudden becomes: “sitting on my bed, demanding stories from the…” You could probably get away with it in the other sentence, but it still seems unnecessary. Just ask yourself what you want the comma to do when you’re adding it. It shouldn’t just be there to tell your readers to take a breath while reading since some pauses are kind of implied instead of dictated (while others need to be dictated).

Onto the fun stuff!!!

I honestly felt like Rain’s plight was very genuine. I don’t think you needed the little tag about Preston being a threat before you introduced her situation. Being stuck at a train station with a creepy man staring at you? That’s enough to send some shivers down my spine because I’ve been in that situation before. From the conversation with Artemis and Rain, you get the genuine idea that Preston is not a nice place.

I don’t mind that it starts in the middle of something. While it might not function as a complete story, it does tell one and gives the readers a snapshot of something bigger that intrigues me. Like why is Rain broke? I get the idea that she survives a lot off of the generosity of others. But at the same time, how does she buy her mother a smartphone or go on vacation? It also makes me wonder how she’s comfortable wearing a gift like a fox fur coat (which is probably worth thousands of dollars). I don’t think this information is necessary for your intended plot, but they are some details I found myself craving to get a better idea of who Rain is as a person. I almost feel like they’re things she and Trent could have discussed to give them both a better idea of each other.

I think my biggest critique for the story would be Trent. I’m a sucker for the white knight appearing out of nowhere, but given the setting, my first instinct for his appearance was, “Nope. Run, girl. He gonna kill you.” With the way you introduced the murder at the beginning, and the way a seemingly innocent guy appeared to help the girl, I got the idea that this was going to end with him being revealed as a serial killer. This phrase: “but something about him told me that he wasn’t like them” bothered me a little bit. Rain was desperate, but given Artemis’s warnings, it seemed incredibly dangerous to trust him. I 100% wouldn’t get into a car with a stranger like that, not without some serious rapport building first. He was young and not as hobo-ish as the other folks she had seen, so she was inclined to go with him--but I feel like they needed some more exchanges between each other and maybe between Trent and some strangers to build Rain’s confidence in him. For example, Rain sees that other people trust Trent and then thinks, “Okay...there’s at least a 90% chance I won’t die if I get into a car with him.” (Then again, maybe I’m just a jerk who’s not inclined to trust strangers. XD)

Overall, I find the relationship between Artemis and Rain intriguing. I thoroughly enjoyed their exchanges, and I think that portion of the story is strong narrative-wise. If you can create that same chemistry and develop a solid relationship between Rain and Trent, this piece would be a lot more solid. Like others have said, it’s well-written and very easy to read. I don’t find any glaring gaps that leave me thinking, “How did we get here?” I understand the situation. The details are more of a privilege than necessary, and the piece would be infinitely longer if I demanded all of them. (I’m also assuming that this is part of a larger narrative.) I'd definitely like to see more about this setting and situation. What kind of genre do you intend this to be? 

 

 

@DarthR0xas

Spoiler

 

I haven’t seen any Star Wars stuff in a while, so this was nice. It’s not my fandom of choice, but I definitely remember all of these scenes. I think if I didn’t, this piece would be a little bit harder to follow, but I didn’t have any issues there.

I’d say beware of your tenses because you started to write in present tense and then switched to past tense almost immediately after the first paragraph. There were a few grammatical errors I noticed here and there, but I know you were short on time so some formatting suffered. (Congrats for hammering out a piece so quickly.) I won’t crucify you for any of that since you seemed a little hard on yourself. If anything, this feels like a rough draft for what could be a really interesting philosophical fic about Vader, so while it might not be a polished piece, it’s an excellent start for one. And writing something is better than writing absolutely nothing! :3

I think you started off the strongest, and you lost momentum towards the end for sure. The scenes were a little disconnected, but for someone familiar with the series, it was easy enough to follow along. It would have felt more complete with one more scene with Luke before the final scene, but once again time was an issue. Just something I’d note to make things flow a bit easier. That and having a solid goal for the plot that makes it a solid story and not just a retelling of the events. I’m really curious to know what your original ideas were, but if you don’t wanna talk about them, that’s fine! Finals and exams are awful. But at least you survived, eh?

 

 

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Since no one actually picked up on the subtle cues, here's Mercy in a nutshell:

Spoiler

The story starts with a Marth.  It focuses on having to kill an animal to end its pain and suffering.  Suffering which was caused by this Marth which he did not want to do.  It sets the scene for the next part, because killing a wounded animal is little different than a soldier who isn't going to make it.

 

The second part is actually based on some real world experience of soldiers having to kill men injured to the point that they're not going to survive unless by some miracle.  This Marth in particular represents those left behind who have to do the killing.  It's not meant to be a pleasant thing.

 

Lastly Lucina's part is what connects them both because she "sees" them while she's in a state of delirium while being treated for her injuries.  Plus she is Marth's reincarnation hence the visions tying into the last part.

So yeah.  Shame people missed my master stroke.  Hopefully the explanation is helpfully.

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12 hours ago, TheSilentChloey said:

Since no one actually picked up on the subtle cues, here's Mercy in a nutshell:

  Reveal hidden contents

The story starts with a Marth.  It focuses on having to kill an animal to end its pain and suffering.  Suffering which was caused by this Marth which he did not want to do.  It sets the scene for the next part, because killing a wounded animal is little different than a soldier who isn't going to make it.

 

The second part is actually based on some real world experience of soldiers having to kill men injured to the point that they're not going to survive unless by some miracle.  This Marth in particular represents those left behind who have to do the killing.  It's not meant to be a pleasant thing.

 

Lastly Lucina's part is what connects them both because she "sees" them while she's in a state of delirium while being treated for her injuries.  Plus she is Marth's reincarnation hence the visions tying into the last part.

So yeah.  Shame people missed my master stroke.  Hopefully the explanation is helpfully.

That's a really interesting take on it. I know for me that the first two parts were plenty easy to understand and had a fairly solid message. But I'm not sure you provided enough context clues in part three to convey what you wanted to even subtly. This is my first time hearing that Lucina is Marth's reincarnation. (I'm not entirely sure if that's a concept explored in the games/other source material which I have played BTW or if it's an idea you've chosen to explore yourself.) I've always been under the impression that she was just his ancestor. I read through it again, and the only clue I can find that Lucina is seeing things through Marth's eyes is this phrase: "a disconnect between what she saw in her ‘dream’ and this reality" which kind of hints at something more but doesn't tell us what that is. The reincarnation concept would have been really cool though, since you started with a young Marth vowing to never make his children fight and shift to a child who basically grew up only knowing war. 

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13 hours ago, TheSilentChloey said:

Since no one actually picked up on the subtle cues, here's Mercy in a nutshell:

  Hide contents

The story starts with a Marth.  It focuses on having to kill an animal to end its pain and suffering.  Suffering which was caused by this Marth which he did not want to do.  It sets the scene for the next part, because killing a wounded animal is little different than a soldier who isn't going to make it.

 

The second part is actually based on some real world experience of soldiers having to kill men injured to the point that they're not going to survive unless by some miracle.  This Marth in particular represents those left behind who have to do the killing.  It's not meant to be a pleasant thing.

 

Lastly Lucina's part is what connects them both because she "sees" them while she's in a state of delirium while being treated for her injuries.  Plus she is Marth's reincarnation hence the visions tying into the last part.

So yeah.  Shame people missed my master stroke.  Hopefully the explanation is helpfully.

That wasn't unclear to me, I assumed Lucina was dreaming of the events. It just seemed unnecessary as it didn't actually add anything to the idea. You already have a connection between the first and second parts because it's the same character.

1 hour ago, Rafiel's Aria said:

That's a really interesting take on it. I know for me that the first two parts were plenty easy to understand and had a fairly solid message. But I'm not sure you provided enough context clues in part three to convey what you wanted to even subtly. This is my first time hearing that Lucina is Marth's reincarnation. (I'm not entirely sure if that's a concept explored in the games/other source material which I have played BTW or if it's an idea you've chosen to explore yourself.) I've always been under the impression that she was just his ancestor. I read through it again, and the only clue I can find that Lucina is seeing things through Marth's eyes is this phrase: "a disconnect between what she saw in her ‘dream’ and this reality" which kind of hints at something more but doesn't tell us what that is. The reincarnation concept would have been really cool though, since you started with a young Marth vowing to never make his children fight and shift to a child who basically grew up only knowing war. 

Lucina is Marth's descendant, not ancestor.

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1 hour ago, Jotari said:

That wasn't unclear to me, I assumed Lucina was dreaming of the events. It just seemed unnecessary as it didn't actually add anything to the idea. You already have a connection between the first and second parts because it's the same character.

Lucina is Marth's descendant, not ancestor.

For the purpose of this story she is his reincarnation.  And from what I can see, no one really enjoyed the story so wasted time and effort.  Another thing to cross off.

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1 hour ago, TheSilentChloey said:

For the purpose of this story she is his reincarnation.  And from what I can see, no one really enjoyed the story so wasted time and effort.  Another thing to cross off.

I don't think anyone said they didn't enjoy it... Just from what I've seen/written myself is that people were confused by your execution of the ending. That doesn't mean you wasted your time or effort into the story. I still enjoyed reading it. Folks can still enjoy reading something and be critical of it. If feedback is constructive, there's no need to get down about it. Just take some notes for possible revision or for your next project. It's all a learning process. Like I told someone else via PM, any changes made to a piece are ultimately an author's choice, but usually it's wise to consider the feedback you've been given. However, you can't please everyone.

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1 hour ago, TheSilentChloey said:

For the purpose of this story she is his reincarnation.  And from what I can see, no one really enjoyed the story so wasted time and effort.  Another thing to cross off.

Did you miss the part where I said this was probably your best work so far, that I liked how you played with the theme and that it was true to Marth's character? Because in case that's not clear, it means I enjoyed the story.

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Alright--responding to feedback + leaving my reviews

@Jotari @Rafiel's Aria @DarthR0xas

...concerning the idea of "the roles being reversed," or Sanaki seeming like she understood too much compared to Sephiran...

My thinking going into this one was that on the one hand you have Sephiran--this several hundred year old sage whose as intelligent and worldwise and knowledgeable of history and ancient texts as any man can possibly be. But he's a broken man. Hes on the ultimate path of self-destruction. He's lying to himself and everyone around him and is coming from this place of deep moral confusion. He cannot provide clarity for himself, much less for another who seeks it--only empty words and meaningless platitudes and half-truths. 

Then on the other hand you have Sanaki--a pampered child with a child's experience and understanding of the world. But she is innocent. She is unjaded. She is still coming from a place of absolute moral clarity. She's closer in spirit and belief to the man Sephiran use to be than Sephiran himself; now too tormented and too far astray to take-to-heart words that still reach her.  (And his greatest folly is that in the end, he does not see it)

So yeah. The role reversal there was intentional--I stand by it.

______________________


REVIEWS


@DarthR0xas

...not bad at all for the time constraint you put on yourself. I mean its basically just a novelization of scenes from the Star Wars movies with a few lines of narration and inner dialogue thrown in--not the most ambitious of undertakings--but the scenes you chose made sense and had a nice flow to them and followed a consistent theme (and made good use of the prompt, which was really tricky this round). 

You get a meme:
 

 


Image result for anakin killing yuenglings

 


@TheSilentChloey

I also completely missed how Part 3 tied into Part 1 and Part 2. I went back and looked at it again after you explained it. Still not entirely sure I'm seeing it, but the idea of Lucina being a reincarnation of Marth is a cool one. I don't think I've seen that before. 

Part 1 and Part 2 on their own as a standalone-story work fine tbh. The juxtaposition between the two scenes was well-done. 

@Rafiel's Aria

...I was really confused here. Like I read this, and I have so many questions. Is Death literally "Death"? Is he supposed to be a representation of the Grim Reaper  or The Beast of Revelations? Who is "The Master?" Who's The Boy? Am I supposed to be taking everything literally, or is there some elaborate metaphor that's going over my head?  (the endnote clarified a bunch of stuff that wasn't clear from the story--maybe the contents of that note could have been somehow worked into the story itself???)

 I was able to get the feel before reading your notes that this was supposed to be some kind of post-apocalyptic hellscape + origin point for the beginnings of a new world. That was a success, and as always the actual writing itself you produce is excellent. 

I think I just needed some more context within the story--knowing nothing else about this setting you've created--to really take in the characters themselves and what they represent and what they're talking about. (although again, to be fair, you did largely address this in the endnote. I might be harping on this point too much)

Nitpicks aside: undeniably cool and original work.

I still don't know if I'm supposed to interpret this as literal depictions of characters and events, or as an allegorical creation myth. And I like that ambiguity. 

You have me wanting to learn more about your world here. 

@Farina's Pegasus

...I feel like one of those judges on the cooking shows saying Beautiful plate of food. Perfect cook. Perfect knife work. Perfect proportions. *tastes food.* Its--completely bland. Where's the flavor???  

There's some great technical skills being showcased here. You have a good balance of story and exposition--there's no unanswered questions here. Good wordsmithery. Good transitions. A nice, vivid picture of your scenes.

At the end of the day the story itself was just kinda--bland, I guess, to stick with my first impression? "Generic," maybe???

i.e. Take a VICE setting. Now self-insert a young female author. Now have her stumble around for a bit. Now the good guy appears to help her out.   

I've definitely seen this or something like it sooooooooooooooooo many times before.  Change a few names and tweak a few descriptors, and this could be the beginnings of a FanFic for anything from Fire Emblem (AU) to Pokemon to Harry Potter.  

This was a tough round to jump into for your first go at it. "Mercy; intentionally left open-ended" was a difficult prompt to take guidance from, as the lack of specific direction there made it hard to really latch onto a story concept. I think this piece in particular may have struggled a bit with that. 

Good writing though! Nail the concept end of it, and I think you're definitely gonna produce some amazing work in future rounds.

Edited by Shoblongoo
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15 hours ago, TheSilentChloey said:

For the purpose of this story she is his reincarnation.  And from what I can see, no one really enjoyed the story so wasted time and effort.  Another thing to cross off.

That was one of my two guesses as to why the third piece was there. The other was that I thought Marth in part 2 was Merth(Masked Marth), recalling part 1, which had become something of a fable about Marth by her time(similar to George Washington's Cherry Tree here in the US), and seeing how it applied to her at the time. I did enjoy it, it just took me a sec to catch on to why part 3 was so important. I also think you do a very good job at writing the Robin-Lucina pairing if that means anything.

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8 hours ago, Shoblongoo said:

Alright--responding to feedback + leaving my reviews

@Jotari @Rafiel's Aria @DarthR0xas

...concerning the idea of "the roles being reversed," or Sanaki seeming like she understood too much compared to Sephiran...

My thinking going into this one was that on the one hand you have Sephiran--this several hundred year old sage whose as intelligent and worldwise and knowledgeable of history and ancient texts as any man can possibly be. But he's a broken man. Hes on the ultimate path of self-destruction. He's lying to himself and everyone around him and is coming from this place of deep moral confusion. He cannot provide clarity for himself, much less for another who seeks it--only empty words and meaningless platitudes and half-truths. 

Then on the other hand you have Sanaki--a pampered child with a child's experience and understanding of the world. But she is innocent. She is unjaded. She is still coming from a place of absolute moral clarity. She's closer in spirit and belief to the man Sephiran use to be than Sephiran himself; now too tormented and too far astray to take-to-heart words that still reach her.  (And his greatest folly is that in the end, he does not see it)

So yeah. The role reversal there was intentional--I stand by it.

______________________


REVIEWS


@DarthR0xas

...not bad at all for the time constraint you put on yourself. I mean its basically just a novelization of scenes from the Star Wars movies with a few lines of narration and inner dialogue thrown in--not the most ambitious of undertakings--but the scenes you chose made sense and had a nice flow to them and followed a consistent theme (and made good use of the prompt, which was really tricky this round). 

You get a meme:
 

  Hide contents


Image result for anakin killing yuenglings

 


@TheSilentChloey

I also completely missed how Part 3 tied into Part 1 and Part 2. I went back and looked at it again after you explained it. Still not entirely sure I'm seeing it, but the idea of Lucina being a reincarnation of Marth is a cool one. I don't think I've seen that before. 

Part 1 and Part 2 on their own as a standalone-story work fine tbh. The juxtaposition between the two scenes was well-done. 

@Rafiel's Aria

...I was really confused here. Like I read this, and I have so many questions. Is Death literally "Death"? Is he supposed to be a representation of the Grim Reaper  or The Beast of Revelations? Who is "The Master?" Who's The Boy? Am I supposed to be taking everything literally, or is there some elaborate metaphor that's going over my head?  (the endnote clarified a bunch of stuff that wasn't clear from the story--maybe the contents of that note could have been somehow worked into the story itself???)

 I was able to get the feel before reading your notes that this was supposed to be some kind of post-apocalyptic hellscape + origin point for the beginnings of a new world. That was a success, and as always the actual writing itself you produce is excellent. 

I think I just needed some more context within the story--knowing nothing else about this setting you've created--to really take in the characters themselves and what they represent and what they're talking about. (although again, to be fair, you did largely address this in the endnote. I might be harping on this point too much)

Nitpicks aside: undeniably cool and original work.

I still don't know if I'm supposed to interpret this as literal depictions of characters and events, or as an allegorical creation myth. And I like that ambiguity. 

You have me wanting to learn more about your world here. 

@Farina's Pegasus

...I feel like one of those judges on the cooking shows saying Beautiful plate of food. Perfect cook. Perfect knife work. Perfect proportions. *tastes food.* Its--completely bland. Where's the flavor???  

There's some great technical skills being showcased here. You have a good balance of story and exposition--there's no unanswered questions here. Good wordsmithery. Good transitions. A nice, vivid picture of your scenes.

At the end of the day the story itself was just kinda--bland, I guess, to stick with my first impression? "Generic," maybe???

i.e. Take a VICE setting. Now self-insert a young female author. Now have her stumble around for a bit. Now the good guy appears to help her out.   

I've definitely seen this or something like it sooooooooooooooooo many times before.  Change a few names and tweak a few descriptors, and this could be the beginnings of a FanFic for anything from Fire Emblem (AU) to Pokemon to Harry Potter.  

This was a tough round to jump into for your first go at it. "Mercy; intentionally left open-ended" was a difficult prompt to take guidance from, as the lack of specific direction there made it hard to really latch onto a story concept. I think this piece in particular may have struggled a bit with that. 

Good writing though! Nail the concept end of it, and I think you're definitely gonna produce some amazing work in future rounds.

My issue was less with the actual opinions of Sanaki or Sephiran and more to do with how fully developed and nuanced Sanaki's interpretation was. She's a very intelligent and mature child, but she is still a child. The way she described her belief came with a sense of too much depth and deliberation. I don't doubt that a child can be deeply philosophical, but explaining their beliefs so exactly, neatly and completely that Sephiran has little to no counter argument seems unlikely.

 

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9 minutes ago, Jotari said:

My issue was less with the actual opinions of Sanaki or Sephiran and more to do with how fully developed and nuanced Sanaki's interpretation was. She's a very intelligent and mature child, but she is still a child. The way she described her belief came with a sense of too much depth and deliberation. I don't doubt that a child can be deeply philosophical, but explaining their beliefs so exactly, neatly and completely that Sephiran has little to no counter argument seems unlikely.

 

Shows how well you know children.

 

Kids can be very deep and meaningful, some have much more nuance than you might expect.  So if I were you I wouldn't down play the abilities of children because nine times out of ten kids are far better than those of us so called adults.

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I’m doing responses to feedback I’ve received first, and then I will post my own feedback to stories in a separate one (as well as my Response to Chloey once she looks over mine). Also it was a pain to try to do a bunch of quotes from separate pages so I hope no one minds that I'm just responding.

@Jotari
 

Spoiler

 

I wouldn't say it was part of an overarching narrative as much as it is that Rain's a character I've been using for a very long time, as well as the town of Preston (that and it being partially based off my own experience). And I actually did originally have a scene with her on the train before arriving, before I realized it wasn't advancing the plot, and I will admit that I did rush the ending somewhat.

Also I never realized until you pointed it out how much the setting was like something off of Vice. It totally is. I hope that’s a good thing? 

 

 

@Shoblongoo

Spoiler

I understand what you mean. I get that kind of feedback quite often- “it’s well written, but I’m just not interested”. I only had the time to edit this once before it was time to post, so I guess I could say that I might’ve been able to do better with more time. I'm also glad to hear that you think I hit the theme well, because that was my main concern when I submitted my entry forest.

@Rafael’s Aria
 

Spoiler

 

Yeah, I passed up a good opportunity to try to develop Rain when she was in the car with Trent. I also still don’t think I tried hard enough to come up with a good reason for her to get in with him, now that I look back on it. The story would have been way more realistic for her to have found a police station instead or even some kind of travel aid, or like you suggested, if Trent ran into some friends on the way.

I’m glad you enjoyed Rain and Artemis, though, tbh I enjoyed writing them the most, and I’m a fan of writing telephone conversations as well. Like I said to Jotari, though, it’s not really part of a continued narrative, it’s more so just being able to include a lot of details because I’ve had the ideas for the characters and the setting (though not the plot, which I think shows) for a while.

Also… I don’t write with a specific genre in mind very often, a lot of my work usually fits into a kind of non-specific personal drama sort of story. Which is also something I should try to break away from. 

Thanks a lot for such a detailed critique, by the way. I know it takes a lot of time and effort to write one- and a healthy amount of practice, too. 

 

 

Edited by Farina's Pegasus
sorry for the different font, wrote this in notepad. Apparently I can't change it.
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1 hour ago, TheSilentChloey said:

Shows how well you know children.

 

Kids can be very deep and meaningful, some have much more nuance than you might expect.  So if I were you I wouldn't down play the abilities of children because nine times out of ten kids are far better than those of us so called adults.

I actually work with children for a living. Did you read my comment? I said, I don't doubt that kids can be deeply philosophical, it's the exactness and we'll formed expressiveness of her argument that I see as unrealistic.

Edited by Jotari
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31 minutes ago, Jotari said:

I actually work with children for a living. Like I said, I don't doubt that kids can be deeply philosophical, it's the exactness and we'll formed expressiveness of her argument that I see as unrealistic.

Some kids do go to that level of smarts.  I should know.  I was apparently one of them myself.

 

ETA:

Though you would be excused to think I wasn't these days.  It does however depend on the topic of conversation mostly...

Edited by TheSilentChloey
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1 hour ago, Jotari said:

My issue was less with the actual opinions of Sanaki or Sephiran and more to do with how fully developed and nuanced Sanaki's interpretation was. She's a very intelligent and mature child, but she is still a child. The way she described her belief came with a sense of too much depth and deliberation. I don't doubt that a child can be deeply philosophical, but explaining their beliefs so exactly, neatly and completely that Sephiran has little to no counter argument seems unlikely.

 

A precocious 10 year old born to rule an old world theocracy + instructed in the highest forms of religious education for pretty much the entirety of her formative years??? Wouldn’t put it past her.

Edited by Shoblongoo
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40 minutes ago, Shoblongoo said:

A precocious 10 year old born to rule an old world theocracy + instructed in the highest forms of religious education for pretty much the entirety of her formative years??? Wouldn’t put it past her.

Neither would I, but it's also important to think of the context in which this situation takes place. She is literally about to collapse due to how tired she is. I don't care how smart you are, at that point I think I'm safe in asserting that no one could argue philosophy and religious text to that extent. Sanaki absolutely could do it, just maybe not quite as well in the situation that has been devised.

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13 minutes ago, DarthR0xas said:

Neither would I, but it's also important to think of the context in which this situation takes place. She is literally about to collapse due to how tired she is. I don't care how smart you are, at that point I think I'm safe in asserting that no one could argue philosophy and religious text to that extent. Sanaki absolutely could do it, just maybe not quite as well in the situation that has been devised.

This is probably something that was hitting me too without realising it. Sanaki seems to come up with the explanation of her perspective on the fly, even though it's clear shes been thinking of it a while. I could see Sanaki debating the issue with preparation before hand (Sanaki in the model UN is something I suddenly want to see), but being so well presented on the spot, towards her actual teacher, who she was asking his perspective of to more solidly form her own opinions, seems to tip the balance.

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10 hours ago, Farina's Pegasus said:

I’m doing responses to feedback I’ve received first, and then I will post my own feedback to stories in a separate one (as well as my Response to Chloey once she looks over mine). Also it was a pain to try to do a bunch of quotes from separate pages so I hope no one minds that I'm just responding.

@Jotari
 

  Reveal hidden contents

 

I wouldn't say it was part of an overarching narrative as much as it is that Rain's a character I've been using for a very long time, as well as the town of Preston (that and it being partially based off my own experience). And I actually did originally have a scene with her on the train before arriving, before I realized it wasn't advancing the plot, and I will admit that I did rush the ending somewhat.

Also I never realized until you pointed it out how much the setting was like something off of Vice. It totally is. I hope that’s a good thing? 

 

 

@Shoblongoo

  Reveal hidden contents

I understand what you mean. I get that kind of feedback quite often- “it’s well written, but I’m just not interested”. I only had the time to edit this once before it was time to post, so I guess I could say that I might’ve been able to do better with more time. I'm also glad to hear that you think I hit the theme well, because that was my main concern when I submitted my entry forest.

@Rafael’s Aria
 

  Reveal hidden contents

 

Yeah, I passed up a good opportunity to try to develop Rain when she was in the car with Trent. I also still don’t think I tried hard enough to come up with a good reason for her to get in with him, now that I look back on it. The story would have been way more realistic for her to have found a police station instead or even some kind of travel aid, or like you suggested, if Trent ran into some friends on the way.

I’m glad you enjoyed Rain and Artemis, though, tbh I enjoyed writing them the most, and I’m a fan of writing telephone conversations as well. Like I said to Jotari, though, it’s not really part of a continued narrative, it’s more so just being able to include a lot of details because I’ve had the ideas for the characters and the setting (though not the plot, which I think shows) for a while.

Also… I don’t write with a specific genre in mind very often, a lot of my work usually fits into a kind of non-specific personal drama sort of story. Which is also something I should try to break away from. 

Thanks a lot for such a detailed critique, by the way. I know it takes a lot of time and effort to write one- and a healthy amount of practice, too. 

 

 

Yeah...about that...

 

I don't really do critiques.  So if you really need it I supppose I can do it over PM?  Though the short of it was I skimmed through and didn't exactly pick up enough to be critical of it.  And usually if I skim it that means I didn't like it/it doesn't sit nicely with me.

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10 hours ago, DarthR0xas said:

Neither would I, but it's also important to think of the context in which this situation takes place. She is literally about to collapse due to how tired she is. I don't care how smart you are, at that point I think I'm safe in asserting that no one could argue philosophy and religious text to that extent. Sanaki absolutely could do it, just maybe not quite as well in the situation that has been devised.

 

10 hours ago, Jotari said:

This is probably something that was hitting me too without realising it. Sanaki seems to come up with the explanation of her perspective on the fly, even though it's clear shes been thinking of it a while. I could see Sanaki debating the issue with preparation before hand (Sanaki in the model UN is something I suddenly want to see), but being so well presented on the spot, towards her actual teacher, who she was asking his perspective of to more solidly form her own opinions, seems to tip the balance.

I mean I'd liken talking religious doctrines of Tellius with PoR Sanaki to talking piano composition with a 10 year old Mozart, or Golf Strats with a 10 year old Tiger Woods.

She shouldn't need to be particularly awake or lucid to do it at a level that would confound most adults.   

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On ‎2018‎-‎12‎-‎27 at 4:43 AM, TheSilentChloey said:

Yeah...about that...

 

I don't really do critiques.  So if you really need it I supppose I can do it over PM?  Though the short of it was I skimmed through and didn't exactly pick up enough to be critical of it.  And usually if I skim it that means I didn't like it/it doesn't sit nicely with me.

No, that's okay, I just assumed it was something required for the contest because everyone else was doing it.

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I don't know why the poll had a different date from the countdown, but still, Round 5's over, since we've reached the estipulated deadline (January 31).

The winner of this round is @Shoblongoo. Congratulations!

Please submit a theme for us to head to Round 6. Here's to hoping I actually participate this time

Edited by Rapier
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2 hours ago, Farina's Pegasus said:

No, that's okay, I just assumed it was something required for the contest because everyone else was doing it.

Nah, just something most of us like to do. I do it so I can put my thoughts into words, which makes it easier to vote. Giving others helpful critique is a great side-plus.

1 hour ago, Shoblongoo said:

Alright. Here’s a new one. Write a story about something that happened because your main character got really, really, really, really drunk.

Ooh, now I have some ideas for that. I'ma start writing now so I don't run into the round 5 situation again.

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