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SF's "Write Your Butt Off" II - Return of Writer's Block


Rapier
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SF's Write Your Butt Off! II Votals  

11 members have voted

  1. 1. Which submission will you vote for?

    • "The Heart of Dedication"
      0
    • "The Strength Within"
      5
    • "Simply a Hunter"
      0
    • "One More Time"
      3
    • "Perfected"
      2
    • "No One Is Iredeemable"
      0
    • "Going Forward"
      1

This poll is closed to new votes

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  • Poll closed on 03/09/2019 at 10:00 PM

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58 minutes ago, Rapier said:

How would that work? Would everyone optionally give X out of 10 points to more than one person, or would they give half points to the others they vote for, or...?

Under Serenes's current multi vote format it would be "vote for as many as you like". Someone could vote for only one story, or if they feel so inclined, vote for all of them.

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So far I've read the last prompts.

  • Rafiel's Aria
Spoiler

Rather like the way you describe and write dialogue in your narrative. It was good to read through that prose.

There are some minor inconsistencies, like Makino being also called Yukiko, and Ashley being called Lark. I assumed it was because of vampire shenanigans (I thought they were both vampires and that they've changed identities to hide their immortality, which is why the different names come in, but noticed it wasn't the case when Makino was called Yukiko), but it turned out one of them was fine and the other was a.... werewolf, despite all the hints to blood and the neck bite.

Abuse is always disturbing to read about, even in a prompt, but I think you managed to convey the bond the victim had with their abuser. One thing that I particularly liked is how the victim could simply leave, but chooses not to, out of their affective dependance, because it feels like a realistic approach on abuse and why victims don't simply "quit" as if it were as easy as it seems. He also denies very adamantly that he's a victim, which is also common on abuse victims. The psychological approach seemed well written and you managed to convey their feelings well, I think.

My other problem is that there isn't a conclusion to your prompt. It's left open if the victim is successful on their attempt to cure themselves and flee from the abuse, or if they'll remain like this forever. It's subtly hinted by him searching for a healer, but what happens next is left open. But maybe it was for the best, since the story would drag on unnecessarily, because you've already said everything you needed to say.

All in all, I'm not a good judge, but I liked your prompt and it was a nice read.

  • Ottservia
Spoiler

The problem I had with your story is how extremely vague it is.

Very little is known about the characters, other than that they were on a mission and lost their comrades, and that there's a princess they rescued. Nothing is accomplished after that, because it's a short piece about Tatsuya grieving over his friends, dunking it out with his buddy and... it stops there, like you were rushed for time and cut the rest. We get little about who the characters are, about their personalities and barely any description of them.

As for the characters, I think it's also strange when you have a Steve, a Tatsuya, a Muhammad, a Stukov and a more fantasy-like named character (like Eos) in the same story without it being intentionally culturally diverse. Silver, Tatsuya, Asmodeus and Eos are very different names and it doesn't feel very consistent overall.

Also, you don't need to use that many exclamation points. I'd get the same feel if you used one or at least two, and it gets worse when we have like three exclamations and question marks popping up mid sentence.

  • Dragoncat
Spoiler

This is a fanfic, but I don't think that excludes you from the need of describing and explaining the terms for that universe. For example, what's a hylian combat gear, and what's a twili? I could google these things, but at least the combat gear should be explained, and I particularly also think cultural mentions also should. I'm participating in a Harry Potter RP, and we still take the time to describe what muggles are, that Hogwarts is on Scotland, what Diagon Alley is etc., because then at least a newcomer would understand the terms used for the already established universe, as if we were writing to an audience rather than to ourselves.

There are also parts that tell things, but do not show them (you put all of that into separate info dumps that could've been mentioned within the story).  Like that one:

"The fight escalated, two against one, but the hylian was fierce and driven by hate. Hate for the race that had just been welcomed back into the land of Hyrule after eons of separation. Welcomed back by the goddesses themselves. Border skirmishes were common and bigotry ran rampant in Hyrule. Scenes like this happened nearly every day lately."

The rest of the fight is handwaved, we assume the guard hates them, and we're given a lore drop instead of showing the results of that development. There were other ways that bigotry could've been shown, but it's merely mentioned by other characters (Midna says kids threw rocks at her) and the only occurence of it that we see is the knight attacking the two travelers. Yet it seems like a central issue to the plot.

An important ambassador walking around alone with his niece, when there are tensions between each country and they're very likely to suffer retalliation, also doesn't make much sense. If Queen Midna was already there, why didn't they go with her...?

There are other parts that don't make much sense. The bigotted guy comes back, tries to kill the shopkeeper because... yes? That came out of nowhere. Then he's killed for it, and these events are just handwaved by his little daughter. Is murder that common in Hyrule/Hylia that the shopkeeper just got away with murder because it's self defense?

I've read others, but I don't have any strong opinions about them and I'm half asleep, so...

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First of all I have a vote? But why? What I wrote was shit and I hate it so why? 

35 minutes ago, Rapier said:

The problem I had with your story is how extremely vague it is.

Very little is known about the characters, other than that they were on a mission and lost their comrades, and that there's a princess they rescued. Nothing is accomplished after that, because it's a short piece about Tatsuya grieving over his friends, dunking it out with his buddy and... it stops there, like you were rushed for time and cut the rest. We get little about who the characters are, about their personalities and barely any description of them.

As for the characters, I think it's also strange when you have a Steve, a Tatsuya, a Muhammad, a Stukov and a more fantasy-like named character (like Eos) in the same story without it being intentionally culturally diverse. Silver, Tatsuya, Asmodeus and Eos are very different names and it doesn't feel very consistent overall.

Also, you don't need to use that many exclamation points. I'd get the same feel if you used one or at least two, and it gets worse when we have like three exclamations and question marks popping up mid sentence.

Yeah it is vague which is why I hate it. There was so much more to the scene I wanted to add but alas I was unable. Yeah I probably could’ve lightned up on the exclamation points. Dialogue did seem a little bit excessive. 

As for the naming thing. Well I dunno where I could’ve fit this in the story itself but each character is from a different country(well except asmodeus and eos who are from the same country going for a slight christian motif) tatsuya is from an Asia inspired country that worships dragons(Tatsuya as a name I believe means mark of the dragon though its the internet so...) while Silver comes from one based in norse mythology and Arthurian legend. But all around I probably could’ve made that more clear

Edited by Ottservia
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1 hour ago, Rapier said:

To the surprise of no one, @TheSilentChloey won this round. Still, congratulations. Please come with a new theme so that we may begin the next Round.

Wow.  It is actually a surprise to me.

 

Right.  The theme is as follows:

"Humans make mistakes...no one is perfect after all and life is messy at the best of times.  So don't be too hard on yourself."

Write a story where a character is going through tough times and a friend/family/lover helps them get back on their feet.  The above quote may be used anywhere in said story if desired.  Bonus points for including the quote XD

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4 minutes ago, TheSilentChloey said:

Wow.  It is actually a surprise to me.

 

Right.  The theme is as follows:

"Humans make mistakes...no one is perfect after all and life is messy at the best of times.  So don't be too hard on yourself."

Write a story where a character is going through tough times and a friend/family/lover helps them get back on their feet.  The above quote may be used anywhere in said story if desired.  Bonus points for including the quote XD

ooooh I'm liking this theme already and I don't think I need to explain as to why. Been looking for an excuse to write about Severa and now I finally have my chance!!!

Edit: I am way too excited about this.

also @AnonymousSpeed are you gonna make a new topic then?

Edited by Ottservia
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That's a good one. I could actually use Judo again for it, but I like doing something different each time. I haven't used my Awakening peeps yet, maybe I could figure out something there.

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1 minute ago, Ottservia said:

ooooh I'm liking this theme already and I don't think I need to explain as to why

also @AnonymousSpeed are you gonna make a new topic then?

I guessed it was about fair since most people would hopefully be able to get some ideas flowing.  Heck I have a story in mind already XD even though I don't have too XD.

2 minutes ago, Anacybele said:

That's a good one. I could actually use Judo again for it, but I like doing something different each time. I haven't used my Awakening peeps yet, maybe I could figure out something there.

I tend to be more of a "who fits the theme best" and if it's the same characters as a previous theme (hasn't happened yet) it may end up being the same characters.  Still I look forward to seeing what everyone comes up with XD

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1 minute ago, TheSilentChloey said:

I tend to be more of a "who fits the theme best" and if it's the same characters as a previous theme (hasn't happened yet) it may end up being the same characters.  Still I look forward to seeing what everyone comes up with XD

Fair. I just don't want to risk boring readers with the same stuff over and over. :P

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27 minutes ago, TheSilentChloey said:

I guessed it was about fair since most people would hopefully be able to get some ideas flowing.  Heck I have a story in mind already XD even though I don't have too XD.

Yeah I've got like three story ideas. Oh so many to choose from

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39 minutes ago, Anacybele said:

Fair. I just don't want to risk boring readers with the same stuff over and over. :P

I totally get it XD

13 minutes ago, Ottservia said:

Yeah I've got like three story ideas. Oh so many to choose from

Good!  That is the whole point of making the theme the way it is XD

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1 hour ago, Rapier said:

Nah, I changed my mind. I'll stay as the host, at least for this round.

I'll also try to write something.

@TheSilentChloey, does the erring character need to be human? Could I make it about a manakete, or a god, or...?

No the character needs to be at least human in intelligence.

36 minutes ago, DarthR0xas said:

Oh no, I see where this is going.

And where would that be exactly?

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35 minutes ago, DarthR0xas said:

Oh no, I see where this is going.

"I thought she was legal- turns out she's not. 

We were heading over to my cot- only to be handcuffed when I called her my thot.

Now I've got time to be lost in thought- so say my optimistic unbelieving mot."

 

-My poor attempt to assemble a joke based the above quote serving as the theme, in rap lyrics form.

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2 minutes ago, Interdimensional Observer said:

"I thought she was legal- turns out she's not. 

We were heading over to my cot- only to be handcuffed when I called her my thot.

Now I've got time to be lost in thought- so say my optimistic unbelieving mot."

 

-My poor attempt to assemble a joke based the above quote serving as the theme, in rap lyrics form.

It's beautiful. Can I vote this as the winner?

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2 hours ago, Ottservia said:

also @AnonymousSpeed are you gonna make a new topic then?

1 hour ago, Rapier said:

Nah, I changed my mind. I'll stay as the host, at least for this round.

There's our answer, then.

 

11 minutes ago, Interdimensional Observer said:

-My poor attempt to assemble a joke based the above quote serving as the theme, in rap lyrics form.

9 minutes ago, DarthR0xas said:

It's beautiful. Can I vote this as the winner?

Whoo, lookin' like Martial over here. Too bad the story didn't hit 1,000 words.

I would like to petition @Interdimensional Observer to make a 1,000+ word lyrical poem for submission this round.

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21 minutes ago, AnonymousSpeed said:

I would like to petition @Interdimensional Observer to make a 1,000+ word lyrical poem for submission this round.

If only. 

As is, I don't think I could even make a normal contribution. Characters and dialogue are such weaknesses of mine I'm not sure I could actually create anything that wasn't as dry as two saltine crackers with the Khadein, Zofian, Yied, Nabata, Jehanna, Grann, Goldoan, and Plegian Deserts wedged between them. 

 

And thanks for the praise. I don't even listen to rap music, or know what "thot" means.

I was just making a joke with the loliketes thing (thanks for adding another 3H- without the new trailer released today I wouldn't have this in mind). Although one could spin it that the speaker is themselves a mentally fully mature manakete male, albeit with the physical appearance of a shota. Unfamiliar with the differences in mental maturation between humans and dragons, they mistake a human loli as being mature and able to give rational consent, only to find out whoopie is a criminal whoopsie.

Edited by Interdimensional Observer
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3 hours ago, TheSilentChloey said:

"Humans make mistakes...no one is perfect after all and life is messy at the best of times.  So don't be too hard on yourself."

Write a story where a character is going through tough times and a friend/family/lover helps them get back on their feet.  The above quote may be used anywhere in said story if desired.  Bonus points for including the quote XD

4 minutes ago, Shoblongoo said:

Right then—back to Tellius (serious prompt is serious)

Yeah man, write the Ike x Soren story we need to save the day.

I can think of a few ideas for that prompt. Might finally have the chance to tap into my love for Kingdom Hearts.

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1 hour ago, DarthR0xas said:

Yeah man, write the Ike x Soren story we need to save the day.

Ew, no thanks. I'd rather see an entry I'm willing to read. Can't stop someone from writing that pairing, of course, but I'd have no interest in reading it, personally.

Edited by Anacybele
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