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So...I might be clinically depressed.


Anacybele
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Just letting people here know in case my behavior seems off or whatever. This could be why.

I'm not asking for help or advice or anything. This is an FE forum, after all, not a mental problems forum. I just feel like letting folks know.

No, it's not because of losing interest in Heroes. That's silly. I wouldn't go on this downward spiral for something as small as that. It's been going on for weeks now anyway, before I lost a lot of interest. I've lost interest in like, everything that I'd normally find enjoyable. I can't smile much anymore. I can't get excited for things I should be. I hurt inside sometimes. I'm not suicidal or anything though. I could never go that far, as we already lost my youngest brother to that. I couldn't make my parents lose another child.

I think a combination of recent struggles and helplessness has started it. Struggles to cope with Asperger's, despite getting help. Struggles to get a job. I'm still jobless after a year and a half since my last real one despite having gotten lots of interviews and applied to many places. This makes me feel unwanted. I feel helpless to help my parents with their financial situation, despite that I did loan them some money once or twice. But they can't catch a break, it seems. They tell me not worry, but it still makes me feel bad for them. There have been little disappointments lately as well. That Heroes stuff, and Halloween basically being canceled here due to weather. That synagogue shooting of course left a bad taste in my mouth. It happened in my own god damn city, a city that's supposed have a below average crime rate and be generally safe. I can only commend Pittsburgh for coming together like the family city it is and proclaiming to be stronger than hatred and that this is not tolerated here at all.

I'm not officially diagnosed, I'm just guessing. And I don't really care to be diagnosed. I just want to...well, keep moving on with life. So I'm not asking for pity or advice or help. If I decide to get help, I'll get it on my own. Just thought I'd let SF know what I'm going through right now, as I have friends here. And I don't want to send a million PMs. xP

Edited by Anacybele
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3 minutes ago, omegaxis1 said:

Depression is never easy to deal with. Good luck, then. One thing I feel you should do is anything that stimulates the brain. 

Yeah, that's kinda what I was trying to do when my brother died. I actually got myself back into doing a few things I hadn't really done in a long time. Jigsaw puzzles, coloring books, and puzzle books, to be specific. I still had my collections of those from years before and picked them back up. Except coloring books, I no longer had those at all. Maybe one or two, but I definitely bought a few more of them.

I downloaded a color by number app on my phone the other day, and it's been nice. Hopefully that'll help in the meantime too.

Actually getting a real good job would do much for my state of mind as well. I hope to get more help with that at some point.

Edited by Anacybele
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This might not be in the cards for you, but when was very depressed, I always found that going somewhere new and meeting new people would be helpful. Going on a nice nature walk, meeting a nice fellow, and talking calmed my nerves, and let me see there was good in the world.

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13 minutes ago, Geenoble said:

Man, that sucks. Good luck getting through it.

 

Edit: Looking at my cat always makes me feel better, so I'll leave this here.

IMG_4672.thumb.JPG.3cad6f8d5b341a43977be20b3d53d669.JPG

Aw, that's a pretty kitty!

12 minutes ago, DarthR0xas said:

This might not be in the cards for you, but when was very depressed, I always found that going somewhere new and meeting new people would be helpful. Going on a nice nature walk, meeting a nice fellow, and talking calmed my nerves, and let me see there was good in the world.

I do crave some travel, particularly to a new place. But the problem's been money. I have no income. My parents are barely hanging on after this new house got built, after my dog got injured, after getting a crushed water line in the yard replaced, and after Hurricane Florence wrecked part of the house they own in Fayetteville, NC (insurance couldn't cover all of it because some of it was flood damage).

I unfortunately don't live in a very walkable area either. I'm not good at meeting new people, as much as I'd love to be. I don't mean to sound like I'm making excuses, but...yeah. It's just easier said than done for me at the moment. But eventually, I'd love to do exactly what you're saying here.

What sometimes helps as well is a shopping trip every now and then, but again, money... Still though, I hope to have some extra money for Christmas. That kind of shopping always helps me no matter what. Holidays are supposed to be fun!

Edited by Anacybele
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Getting help -- if possible -- is the best option. I got diagnosed after telling myself I didn't have it for four years, and after letting myself believe that I was actually depressed I went to a doc. Get an official diagnosis, the meds can help (I no longer have random, trigger-less panic attacks due to the meds), but above all just keep trucking. Someone earlier mentioned avoiding substances as an outlet, and I definitely agree with that. They will invariably make everything worse. 

Ironically, the things that best help with the symptoms are the things the symptoms make difficult to do. Going outside, socializing with friends, trying a new activity, all of these help a lot more than you'd think -- but they take more energy than it feels like you have a lot of the time. Try to force yourself into it sometimes. I lay traps for myself to force me into it -- I let myself fall into obligations to do things with my friends, and even if i'm not feeling like it that day, the expectation that i'll be there pushes me into it. I generally feel better afterwards. 

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16 minutes ago, Mandokarla said:

Getting help -- if possible -- is the best option. I got diagnosed after telling myself I didn't have it for four years, and after letting myself believe that I was actually depressed I went to a doc. Get an official diagnosis, the meds can help (I no longer have random, trigger-less panic attacks due to the meds), but above all just keep trucking. Someone earlier mentioned avoiding substances as an outlet, and I definitely agree with that. They will invariably make everything worse. 

Oh yeah, I'd never turn to drugs or anything. No way.

16 minutes ago, Mandokarla said:

Ironically, the things that best help with the symptoms are the things the symptoms make difficult to do. Going outside, socializing with friends, trying a new activity, all of these help a lot more than you'd think -- but they take more energy than it feels like you have a lot of the time. Try to force yourself into it sometimes. I lay traps for myself to force me into it -- I let myself fall into obligations to do things with my friends, and even if i'm not feeling like it that day, the expectation that i'll be there pushes me into it. I generally feel better afterwards. 

Yeah, those could help, I bet. I don't really have any friends irl though, mainly out of choice. But trying new activities is definitely an option.

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Aww, you'll be okay! I went to a similiar situation about half a year ago, and I got out of it not only by talking to friends (Speaking of, my PM box and Discord DM's are always open if you need to talk <3) but also by going to therapy, and it helped immensily. Even if things weren't going well, therapy taught me to love myself, and that there are things worth living for. I was never clinically diagnosed either, but therapy still helped. So that's why I definitly reccomend seeing a therapist, as it may help you love yourself more. And the happier you are, you are generally more successful at finding work. I couldn't find work during that period either, and I also have aspergers, just like you (Though I believe it's all just autism now instead of its own thing) and smiles are definitly readable off of your faces, be it eyes or your smile. And don't hurt yourself or your body! That's the worst thing you could do to yourself and your family and friends. Also definitly no alcohol or drugs! They usually make it even worse. Honestly, it might also be a good idea to take a break from Fire Emblem Heroes if you're only getting disappointment from it. I hope you can find the happiness you're looking for, and PM me if you want to chat! <3

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@Geenoble Your cat looks a lot like my Cleo, but my cat is smaller and like to glare at everything:P

I have been depressed on and off for most of my life and I get worse at this time of year, so I know it sucks.  Some things that help me are: going for a walk outside exercise plus the sunshine seems to put me in a better mood, and the other things I do are try to keep as busy as possible so my brain does not have time to deal with all the bad stuff.  Getting help can work, but you have to find the right kind and it can be very hard (I have yet to find it for myself).  

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@Anacybele: Everyone else had said it more succinctly or eloquently than I have or ever will, so I'll instead leave this passage intended for you to further your writing as an outlet (one of many, since you don't have a clear shortage of these; come to think of it, we can argue that we're spoiled for choice nowadays, but I digress).

Spoiler

No one can advise or help you — no one. Go into yourself. Find out the reason that commands you to write; see whether it has spread its roots into the very depths of your heart; confess to yourself whether you would have to die if you were forbidden to write. 

This most of all: ask yourself in the most silent hour of your night: must I write? Dig into yourself for a deep answer. And if this answer rings out in assent, if you meet this solemn question with a strong, simple “I must,” then build your life in accordance with this necessity; your whole life, even into its humblest and most indifferent hour, must become a sign and witness to this impulse. Then come close to Nature. Then, as if no one had ever tried before, try to say what you see and feel and love and lose...

...Describe your sorrows and desires, the thoughts that pass through your mind and your belief in some kind of beauty - describe all these with heartfelt, silent, humble sincerity and, when you express yourself, use the Things around you, the images from your dreams, and the objects that you remember. If your everyday life seems poor, don’t blame it; blame yourself; admit to yourself that you are not enough of a poet to call forth its riches; because for the creator there is not poverty and no poor, indifferent place. And even if you found yourself in some prison, whose walls let in none of the world’s sounds – wouldn’t you still have your childhood, that jewel beyond all price, that treasure house of memories? Turn your attentions to it. Try to raise up the sunken feelings of this enormous past; your personality will grow stronger, your solitude will expand and become a place where you can live in the twilight, where the noise of other people passes by, far in the distance. - And if out of this turning-within, out of this immersion in your own world, poems come, then you will not think of asking anyone whether they are good or not. Nor will you try to interest magazines in these works: for you will see them as your dear natural possession, a piece of your life, a voice from it. A work of art is good if it has arisen out of necessity. That is the only way one can judge it.” 

--Rainer Maria Rilke, "Letters to a Young Poet" (1903)

I've relied on those words, the whole work, literally--during my more miserable episodes. And I hope these serve you in good stead as well.

Edited by Karimlan
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I know a bit of how you feel; I went through a small bit of depression during the summer. It isn't fun. 

It's hard for me to explain how I felt or what helped me through it, thanks to my autism. It made it hard for me to explain to others how I was feeling until I realized it was a depression. 

My family helped, spending some time in prayer helped (I'm a Protestant Christian), and watching some upbeat comedies helped. I thought playing the game that I had bought, Xenoblade Chronicles, would help. It didn't, but that's not the game's fault. 

I hope you have a good recovery. 

1 hour ago, Anacybele said:

I'm not good at meeting new people, as much as I'd love to be. 

I can relate. Must be an autism thing. 

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That's unfortunate Anacybele to go through that. A couple weeks ago my younger brother has been in a psychiatric ward for several days. During a school day he had a breakdown saying he wanted to kill himself. My guess is that he was scared by a disagreement between me and our father the night before, and thought thoughts bothered him through the day. The psychiatrist diagnosed him with clinical Depression. After sitting down and having a long conversation he said that for the last 3 years he has felt empty and never found true happiness. He even had a plan to take his own life. i was shocked when I heard about this. My brother is a straight A student with a good friend group, how could I have not noticed this earlier. sure there were some signs, he repetitively scratch his back to like he suffers from Chicken Pox but this.

I fear that for being a pillar for in to look up to, he sees me a peerless person that can do no wrong. Undeserving of being related to me. Time and time again I tell him that isn't true, I care for you with all of my heart. I want to see you succeed in life, not be stick in a pit. Sadly depression isn't something that will go away easily, I  have to be patient with him in order to fully understand him.

As for me, my lowest point was a couple years ago, when I grew numb and angry in the school the surrounded me. Asking why are other student other better than me, am I not good enough? I don't considered that depression, more like a slump. What took me out of it was a change in the people that surrounded me, and daily exercise. For you and my brother the mountain that lies ahead is a daunting task. Going to take different pathways and obstacles, but at the end I'm sure you will met with each other. 

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1 hour ago, EricaofRenais said:

I have been depressed on and off for most of my life and I get worse at this time of year, so I know it sucks.  Some things that help me are: going for a walk outside exercise plus the sunshine seems to put me in a better mood, and the other things I do are try to keep as busy as possible so my brain does not have time to deal with all the bad stuff.  Getting help can work, but you have to find the right kind and it can be very hard (I have yet to find it for myself).  

Sunshine usually makes me feel good too. But it's been cold here also, and it's supposed to rain a lot tomorrow.

57 minutes ago, Karimlan said:

@Anacybele: Everyone else had said it more succinctly or eloquently than I have or ever will, so I'll instead leave this passage intended for you to further your writing as an outlet (one of many, since you don't have a clear shortage of these; come to think of it, we can argue that we're spoiled for choice nowadays, but I digress).

  Reveal hidden contents

No one can advise or help you — no one. Go into yourself. Find out the reason that commands you to write; see whether it has spread its roots into the very depths of your heart; confess to yourself whether you would have to die if you were forbidden to write. 

This most of all: ask yourself in the most silent hour of your night: must I write? Dig into yourself for a deep answer. And if this answer rings out in assent, if you meet this solemn question with a strong, simple “I must,” then build your life in accordance with this necessity; your whole life, even into its humblest and most indifferent hour, must become a sign and witness to this impulse. Then come close to Nature. Then, as if no one had ever tried before, try to say what you see and feel and love and lose...

...Describe your sorrows and desires, the thoughts that pass through your mind and your belief in some kind of beauty - describe all these with heartfelt, silent, humble sincerity and, when you express yourself, use the Things around you, the images from your dreams, and the objects that you remember. If your everyday life seems poor, don’t blame it; blame yourself; admit to yourself that you are not enough of a poet to call forth its riches; because for the creator there is not poverty and no poor, indifferent place. And even if you found yourself in some prison, whose walls let in none of the world’s sounds – wouldn’t you still have your childhood, that jewel beyond all price, that treasure house of memories? Turn your attentions to it. Try to raise up the sunken feelings of this enormous past; your personality will grow stronger, your solitude will expand and become a place where you can live in the twilight, where the noise of other people passes by, far in the distance. - And if out of this turning-within, out of this immersion in your own world, poems come, then you will not think of asking anyone whether they are good or not. Nor will you try to interest magazines in these works: for you will see them as your dear natural possession, a piece of your life, a voice from it. A work of art is good if it has arisen out of necessity. That is the only way one can judge it.” 

--Rainer Maria Rilke, "Letters to a Young Poet" (1903)

I've relied on those words, the whole work, literally--during my more miserable episodes. And I hope these serve you in good stead as well.

Thanks. I've had no motivation to write much lately, though much of that is due to waiting on my co-author to get back to me on something. Hopefully when he does, that'll help.

2 hours ago, Michelaar said:

Aww, you'll be okay! I went to a similiar situation about half a year ago, and I got out of it not only by talking to friends (Speaking of, my PM box and Discord DM's are always open if you need to talk <3) but also by going to therapy, and it helped immensily. Even if things weren't going well, therapy taught me to love myself, and that there are things worth living for. I was never clinically diagnosed either, but therapy still helped. So that's why I definitly reccomend seeing a therapist, as it may help you love yourself more. And the happier you are, you are generally more successful at finding work. I couldn't find work during that period either, and I also have aspergers, just like you (Though I believe it's all just autism now instead of its own thing) and smiles are definitly readable off of your faces, be it eyes or your smile. And don't hurt yourself or your body! That's the worst thing you could do to yourself and your family and friends. Also definitly no alcohol or drugs! They usually make it even worse. Honestly, it might also be a good idea to take a break from Fire Emblem Heroes if you're only getting disappointment from it. I hope you can find the happiness you're looking for, and PM me if you want to chat! <3

Yeah, I already said I'd never resort to drugs or alcohol. My dad had problems with those some years ago and I don't want to go down that road myself. He's lucky he had someone to help him. Almost all his family cut him out. I am kinda taking a break from Heroes too.

50 minutes ago, vanguard333 said:

I know a bit of how you feel; I went through a small bit of depression during the summer. It isn't fun. 

It's hard for me to explain how I felt or what helped me through it, thanks to my autism. It made it hard for me to explain to others how I was feeling until I realized it was a depression. 

My family helped, spending some time in prayer helped (I'm a Protestant Christian), and watching some upbeat comedies helped. I thought playing the game that I had bought, Xenoblade Chronicles, would help. It didn't, but that's not the game's fault. 

I hope you have a good recovery. 

I can relate. Must be an autism thing. 

Thanks. I'm not religious at all, but I'm glad that could help you. And yeah, having poor social skills is the common thing in autism.

15 minutes ago, Jingle Jangle said:

That's unfortunate Anacybele to go through that. A couple weeks ago my younger brother has been in a psychiatric ward for several days. During a school day he had a breakdown saying he wanted to kill himself. My guess is that he was scared by a disagreement between me and our father the night before, and thought thoughts bothered him through the day. The psychiatrist diagnosed him with clinical Depression. After sitting down and having a long conversation he said that for the last 3 years he has felt empty and never found true happiness. He even had a plan to take his own life. i was shocked when I heard about this. My brother is a straight A student with a good friend group, how could I have not noticed this earlier. sure there were some signs, he repetitively scratch his back to like he suffers from Chicken Pox but this.

I fear that for being a pillar for in to look up to, he sees me a peerless person that can do no wrong. Undeserving of being related to me. Time and time again I tell him that isn't true, I care for you with all of my heart. I want to see you succeed in life, not be stick in a pit. Sadly depression isn't something that will go away easily, I  have to be patient with him in order to fully understand him.

As for me, my lowest point was a couple years ago, when I grew numb and angry in the school the surrounded me. Asking why are other student other better than me, am I not good enough? I don't considered that depression, more like a slump. What took me out of it was a change in the people that surrounded me, and daily exercise. For you and my brother the mountain that lies ahead is a daunting task. Going to take different pathways and obstacles, but at the end I'm sure you will met with each other. 

That sucks about your brother. I'm glad he got help. It was sadly too late for mine. He showed no signs at all. I could tell something was off with him, but... I didn't think it was that bad.

I could just be in a big slump myself. It might not actually be real depression. But regardless, I do hope it passes by soon.

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