“Hey, one for the missus.”

The vendor blinked as Navarre slammed a few coins on the counter forcefully. I could only see his profile, but I was well-accustomed to the natural scorn the vendor was facing that moment. She held her breath as flicked the coins off the surface one by one, counting them off and probably silently hoping she didn’t have to provide change.

There were so many different varieties of headdresses to choose from, all floral and beautiful. Some were cleverly put together with entwining branches and leaves, others had contrasting colours or similar hues of blue and rich purple. I had an incredible array to choose from, but in my haste, I settled with the one closest to me. It reminded me of an angry sunset, stark canary and burnt orange.

I wanted him to compliment me or otherwise retort how I was wearing it wrong, but I didn’t receive either. He merely flashed the tiniest of smiles before turning on his heel to continue our way. I poured over the mirror and deliberated what flower should be at the front, and by the time I looked up again, Navarre was already several feet down the cobbled streets. I had to break to a small run to walk by his side again.

His fingers played on the hilt of his sword, and he continued to look directly ahead of him as I fell into his vision. I took in every contour of that frame, how dangerously thin his lanky shadow was but far from fragile.

He had wandered alone for so long he enjoyed his own company. As a result he kept matters and people at arm’s length so he could sever ties at a blink of an eye. Perhaps one day he’d disappear into the night and leave me behind, and I’d wake up in the morning with no one to protect me. He didn’t associate with people more than he had to, opting to keep silent even where answers were required.

Despite all his social differences, there were times (albeit few and far between) that the scarlet swordsman showed that he cared in his own clumsy way. He never backtracked on his words, both the good and the scathing, and he never repeated himself; everything he said was completely honest. He was curt with words, but he was undeniably awkward with actions like buying gifts.

My hand reached for his, and though he was surprised, he didn’t resist. It was colder than I expected, so I tightened my grip slightly to make sure he knew I was there. He didn’t reassure me that he felt me.

That first meeting, he had taken hold of me just like this. Maybe he had taken me by the wrist, it was hard to remember. My body was so fuelled with adrenaline I could barely feel his forceful grip as we tore through the leering forest and avoided the greedy clutches of thieves. My heart had been pounding in my head so forcefully the only things I could hear were his voice and my own raspy breaths. My legs were in absolute agony but they still wanted to run even long after the danger had passed.

He had stolen my heart that day and he never noticed.

As I continued to stare, I saw all the imperfections I spent every day overlooking. I noticed the bridge of his nose was too low, his chin too prominent. Even the way he strutted didn’t have the right elegance to it. As the swordsman turned his head, eyebrows too far apart arched to ask, “what?”.

I ran a thumb over Samto’s hand. He could fool the continent, but he couldn’t fool me.

“You’re thinking about him again, aren’t you?”

I cracked a smile. “Am I that obvious?” I should stop harbouring affections towards a man who would never return. The war had concluded only three months ago, but even now it felt like we hadn’t won at all. No one knew the circumstances of how Navarre died, me included, only that his clothing had disguised how much he was bleeding out. He had collapsed on the battlefield, but by the time Sister Yumina came to treat him, it was already too late.

I had never cried so hard. I had spent many waking moments with him, but it was only when he was gone forever, as quickly as he had come into my life, I realised just how little I knew about him. I had thought of him as my world; what a small world that turned out to be.

Samto gave a small shrug. “I wouldn’t say obvious. You just seem quieter.”

I pouted. I wanted to say something witty like “so what” or “are you saying I’m noisy”, but I couldn’t bring myself to say either. I liked Samto very much, that was why I chose to travel with him, but he wasn’t the man I loved.

“The colours suit you.” His hesitant smile favoured his left side as his mouth opened slightly to reveal his teeth. Navarre never showed teeth. “They’re beautiful and vibrant like you.”

It was easier to shake the pain through laughing, singing and dancing. I had discarded so many problems simply by being energetic, problems that no one but me had any knowledge of. I could embrace the present because I buried the memories through smiles and good feelings. I danced my worries away and the darkness was swept away by my skirts.

I let my fingers unfurl from Samto’s and my arms wrapped themselves round my stomach. I wasn’t ready for Navarre to be another dismal memory to snuff out with my carefully-placed steps. I wanted to hold onto him, just a bit longer.

Samto wasn’t going to give up. “Come on, smile for me. We’re a team, you and I. We’re in this mess together.” He brought a hand to my head to adjust the wreath. The tips of the carnations slipped out of view. “I know you miss him, so do I.”

I shrugged him off and forced my legs to walk. I knew that Samto admired Navarre as much as I did, but a selfish part of me didn’t believe it. I wasn’t being fair to him. I hated how bitter I was becoming, but I was so tired of pretending everything was fine. What could he know about truly missing someone?

I was desperate to cry, shout out the name of the man I loved, however once again my body refused to cooperate.

“The truth is, I don’t know how he did it. When I first started out, I only did it to avoid having to explain myself I wasn’t him. I had never met him, so I built someone out of rumours and appearances. Truth is, it was only when I really got to know him I realised how lonely he was.”

I blinked. “Lonely?” Navarre was many things, but lonely wasn’t a word I associated with him. He distanced himself out of choice. He liked being alone more than anything.

Samto brought a hand to his face to move a stray hair from the corner of his mouth. “Navarre drifted from place to place and offered his blade for nothing more than money towards his next destination. He’d fight, claim his reward and disappear without a trace, and so the cycle continues. But he touched so many people and shaped the continent in ways he didn’t see because he never looked back. People need him to feel safe. I assumed his name because the continent is a better place with him in it. The bandits stay in their territory and the pirates become cautious; if they find out he’s gone, they’ll pillage and plunder like no tomorrow. I don’t want that to happen.”

I remembered how Samto and I were when we were around Navarre. We were carefree, frivolous, borderline childish. It was hard to recognise the man walking beside me was the same man. I could consciously feel the corners of my mouth force themselves down into a growing frown. Whilst I had become selfish in my grief, Samto had matured and assumed into a role that went far beyond anything he could have imagined.

I reached for his hand again, but instead of leaving it to hang by our side, I brought his arm across my shoulder and lent into him. I feel closer to Navarre by being with him, because pretence was kinder than reality. I wanted to say I was sorry for feeling that way, and I was a horrible person for using him that way. He was doing everything to keep him alive, to make the continent a safer place to live in, and I was only taking advantage of his charity. “I wish I could be more for you.”

“I need you more than you know,” Samto said calmly, and I felt his answer as I pressed my ear against his torso. “Until I assumed Navarre’s name for good, I didn’t have a bloody clue what I signed myself up to. I’m constantly wondering if I’m doing the right thing, but I know that it’s too late to turn back now. I put on a show wherever I go, and I bury a little more of my guilt every day. I’m going so fast and I’m so deep in this one day I’ll stop feeling guilty, and that’s what terrifies me.”

I didn’t need to look up to know that Samto meant every word; his heartbeat had remained completely steady. Every time he wielded his sword, he had been hurting as much as I had.

“Travelling with someone, with you, keeps me together. You remind me of who I am, not some copycat or a ghost, but just an ordinary man.” He gripped onto my shoulder firmly, and my insides fluttered as we joined by the hip. “Why have adventures when you have no one to share them with? Where’s the fun of fighting for justice if there’s no one to fight with? Whenever you dance, smile, you help ease the burden. Just being with you gives me strength to conquer anything.”

I closed my eyes and I let him guide me forwards. If that was all he needed me to do, I should be able to manage that. As long as I stayed positive and gave him the vitality to go on, I could support him. As long as I encouraged him through fake smiles and tears of laughter, we could somehow prevent each other from tearing at the seams.